� There are no losers here tonight, yet.
� For the first time ever the Oscars are being stimucasted in HDTV, so I�d like to give a big hello to the three guys watching at Circuit City.
� A lot of people are here tonight, hey there�s Roman Polanski�Get him!
� Hey Mickey Rooney, (Sitting in the back) sorry we couldn�t get you a better seat, Vin Diesel is here.
� Actors today are paid in millions, he was paid in colorful beads (Mickey Rooney)
� And in accordance with the court order, I am 20 feet away from Halle Berry (She is in the front row)
� You know, Nicole Kidman has worn a fake nose in all her movies, except The Hours.
� A few years ago, Billy Crystal rode a horse on stage to promote his new movie, City Slickers 2 and it just made me feel like Bringing Down the House.
� We are here to honor writers, directors, and actors. In case we run out of food, that is the order we are eating you.
� We have some lackies putting Michael Moore (director of Bowling for Columbine) into his trunk
� I found a pattern with the winners, they were all nominees,
� I�d do anything to look like him, except exercise and eat right.
� Don�t be shy if you�ve slept with me. (Pictures of all the best actresses, Hale Berry, Ted Damson, Andy Rooney, and Stitch.
� Here is a man with the same name as the first James Bond. (Sean Cannery enters)
� Meyrl Streeps performance in The Hours really made me think. I�ll never forgive her.
� When I learned that Richard Gere didn�t get the nomination, I said, welcome to my world Richard Gere.
� With the success of such films about artists like Frida, I am pleased to announce next year I will be staring in The Sherwin Williams Story
� I want to thank Steven Spielberg. Why? Because it couldn�t hurt.
� (After the montage of the montage of those who died during the year) I hope I�m up there some day.
� And coming later, a montage of people you think are dead
� (Talking about what actors can be) They can be straight, or gay. (Picture of Jack Nicholson)
� If you would like a transcript of tonight�s show, write everything down.