| Vettex - reith In the background. GOD1 and POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER, two lesser known Gods are having an argument. DEVIL pulls off the curtain. Behind it there is an empty table with a planet on the floor. The audience are bemused by the blank table. Some slowly clap, unsure what it is to do. RAYMOND runs around and picks up the world off the floor, back onto it�s crude wire frame. RAYMOND Do you reckon it�s crashed? RAYMOND picks up Australia and slops it back on the surface. The crowd start to laugh, some shake their heads. SOME GOD That is the worst Universe I�ve ever seen. It hasn�t even got a sun! RAYMOND looks guilty as he repositions the lamp that has fallen over on the tabletop. More laughing, even from the DEVIL. RAYMOND looks ashamed. GOD1 Sunday is my day of rest! POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER No it�s mine! I cast beams of lightening at you.........lay upon you my wrath! POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER points with his right arm and flicks a switch with on his left sleeve. Nothing happens. POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER bloody batteries. GOD1 laughs a little while before clubbing POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER with a cross a self proclaimed mother force feeding her son sprouts because she thinks they�ll be good for him. Knowedge is truth and truth is knowedge. If knowedge isn�t truth then how would you know? you sucker! Where�s God? Where was he when I needed him? Just where has he gone? On thaT hellhole somme He stood by and let us destroy ourselves A world driven apart by greed Squeeming on it�s knees Why didn�t he interveen Just where is he? We�ve been going solo we shouldn�t have nicked his rolos. who the fuck are you? In the background. GOD1 and POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER, two lesser known Gods are having an argument. GOD1 Sunday is my day of rest! POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER No it�s mine! I cast beams of lightening at you.........lay upon you my wrath! POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER points with his right arm and flicks a switch with on his left sleeve. Nothing happens. POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER bloody batteries. GOD1 laughs a little while before clubbing POLOMAGLALIUMMONKEYBEATER with a cross. PETE Here is Adam....look at the size of his knob! The Maryland is covered in shadow. People gasp and an old lady giggles. Then a sound of someone loosing his footing. The rival Gods start to laugh Adam has fallen over, knob first. ---------------------------------------------------------------shit line---------------------------------------------- *(everything below this line is shitty*) GOD mumbles before we hear the noise of Through the swirling clouds where angels roam free, sometimes four. We are about to embark upon a vison of our world. Pictures of the vast intrecasy of the environment. The world is beautiful and precise- that of a master creator. This guy could make life out of lego. One thing�s for sure he�s on a hell of a budget. This is a story. A story about a religion that failed. A world starved of funds and a dodgy God. *like most of the stuff above it isn�t. SITCOM Sitcoms are bollocks. I can write bollocks! Blank sheet staring at me. I hate this moment. I type in to the abyss, the void that can be filled with good or bad, indifferent sometimes. There�s some talent competition and the Beebbc are desperatefor sitcoms. I can come totheir rescue with mybrand of bollocks. Me and this keypad can make money! but first i must sweat my bollocks of and write words! write words like you�ve never written them before. OK - it�s the religion the same idea. The problem lies with the set-up. The creation of our world. The big bang. (sings) You�re a bunch of turds who do whatever the bible says, you don�t think who wrote it or whether they were halusinating, oh those wonderful plants (note to self - this needs work) Through the swirling clouds where angels roam free, sometimes four. We are about to em BIG BANG - EXTERIOR - DAY. ukpg pt [tyt ---------------------------------------------------------------shit line---------------------------------------------- *(everything below this line is shitty*) HOPE SUMMERS appears and hassles RAYMOND. HOPE SUMMERS is dressed like a kind of jester. He has a guitar that is strapped over his shoulder. He shakes RAYMOND�s hand in a complicated way, several movements as if it is some kind of special cool signal. GOD mumbles before we hear the noise of HOPE SUMMERS Word up! Hope Summers. Hymns and jokes! RAYMOND Hello I�m�er God. HOPE SUMMERS What�s your turf? RAYMOND Eh? HOPE SUMMERS You aint the lord unless you have some turf, man.....Some one beliving in you...even then it�s sketchy. RAYMOND Eh? HOPE SUMMERS Who actually believes in you, man? Does anyone actually put themselves out of their way for you�eh? How many people prey to you about hairloss and plenty of other things you don�t give a shit about? I�ve written a song. (sings - really poor and out of tune) All was quiet in the temple All was dead in the graveyard apart from the gravediggeres They dug the holes, the slaughtered voles rose up and all played scrabble The hope was with them The hope of God The hope was in them Slaughtered sinners are damned for damnation and not going to survive All those voles who belive will stay alive. And get reasonable letters in the scrabble game - no Z�s or Q�s - because they believe in God. DEVIL Hey mate, that�s if he really made it. No one can tell. There�s so many claims to it. But it doesn�t end with creation. Possessing people to write the bible. Forcing people to go to Sunday school. All that violence. DAVE raking in money and re-writing the bible. Crossing out passages and putting advertisers names in. RAYMOND shakes his head and walks away. HOPE SUMMERS strums away WORKSHOP - INTERIOR - DAY DAVE gets his bible. The front cover is blatant affair - the words �Bible - by your father and creator - Dave�. He opens up the cover, inside are the words �in association with Supernnodles, ASDA, Argos, Lycos and Time Warner.� He scratches his head. DAVE I�m sure I can make some alterations here and there. ------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- -------------------------- ba What do you think eh? It has to chart like �the lord is my skunk�. ----------------as was/is on m8th april (Sunday)@20:48 computer clock time----------------- An, as yet, untitled Sitcom by Fraser Campbell 25 Blondvil st Cheylesmore Coventry CV3 5EQ HEAVEN - INTERIOR - DAY Superimposed caption: Heaven We drift up the white steps of a magical palace, blinded by the light emulating from a pearl doorway. Glorious heavenly music accompanies our passage through the building, mirrors gleaming through the shafts of light. An ANGEL SECURITY GUARD stops our way. ANGEL SECURITY GUARD Excuse me, my child. None should pass into God�s heavenly sanctuary. A hand punches him out of the way as they continue on the journey. At the end of the corridor we crash through the open doors. Beyond which lies a silver throne and light as bright as the sun. RAYMOND shields his eyes from the piecing light, casting bleached shadows over his eyes. RAYMOND God? BOOMING VOICE What is it now? RAYMOND It�s so bright...you couldn�t....put the blinds down, could you? BOOMING VOICE It�s me - I am the light. RAYMOND O....K.....you couldn�t.......wear a hat or anything? BOOMING VOICE Suppose so. The light in the room diminishes. It�s more fragmented but it�s still quite bright. BOOMING VOICE Well..what is it? RAYMOND I know your very busy.....but....you see I�m thinking about creating my own religion....and... I was thinking...you�d maybe have some advice you could..um..pass to me. BOOMING VOICE Advice? I am the true one. The father and son. RAYMOND (chuckles) He he.....the sun has got his hat on...but seriously I know you�ve got a lot of rivals...but.. if you could throw some advice my way I would be extremely grateful.....Actually...I am a big, big fan..of yours...all that sinning and stuff and those places of worship...the concept of existence... RAYMOND produces a notepad and pen. ..er.....can I have your autograph please? A pounding wind and RAYMONDs autograph book is blown upon the floor. He struggles on his knees to pick it up. Retrieves it, outstretches his book and pen and waves it into the light. RAYMOND It�s for my mother really...she actually believes in....your particular faith. BOOMING VOICE Your Mother has never been to church in her life. She is sinner and one of the damned! RAYMOND Ah shit! You know everything. BOOMING VOICE And while you down there get repenting! I curse your religion, it will be reaped in failure. And all those who live by your falsehood will be eternally punished.....You will be cast into the pits of hell, where fire shall lick up your plump behind. And, from the groin of Beelzebub, I shall lay my wrath upon thee.... Atmospheric wind sweeps through the glorious cavern. A tense silence between two Gods. Behind RAY, two ANGELs walk in the door. BOOMING VOICE Could you go now, my hat�s on fire.... .Where�d he get my address from? TITLE SEQUENCE. HEAVEN - EXTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND is getting hustled out of the golden gates and falls to the floor in a heap. He gets up and brushes off his clothes with his hands. RAYMOND Bloody God. Thinks he�s so high and mighty. Beside RAYMOND on the steps the DEVIL is talking to 2 INSIGNIFICANT people. DEVIL, who is wearing a business type suit, points to a gaping flamey hole in the ground. DEVIL No....heaven�s that way!....er...(sees RAYMOND) excuse me sir, can I help? RAYMOND Er...well...who are you? DEVIL I am the devil. The poison that engulfs the world. Temptation and suffering. RAYMOND Hi, I�m God. They shake hands. The DEVIL looks a bit confused. RAYMOND Well I�m not really a God...yet. But someday I will be. I will have a pad like this and people will worship and really appreciate what a good job I did making them. Like this guy. DEVIL (pointing at heaven) He worked bloody hard to get where he is today. He didn�t do it all overnight, you know. RAYMOND It took him 6 days. DEVIL Yes, but he got up really early each time. None of that slack creation crap, Gods sitting around in whatever they slept in. He�s a dedicated guy. Wore clean clothes all the time. RAYMOND Well - me and you have a lot in common. You see....I will set up a new religion, a religion that will sweep the world and people will praise me. I was thinking...maybe we could team up.....we both have the same interests....I mean....If they follow me they don�t follow him. DEVIL (considers offer) No. I can�t go behind his back again. He does kind of rely on me..I mean...who do you think administers his justice ? INSIGNIFICANT 1 and 2 shrug their shoulders and dive towards the pit. DEVIL What you need to do is make your own world. Your own vision of creation. There�s loads of booklets and things on how to do it. Kits and such like. Get some careers advice....you know tell you how to start on your own. RAYMOND takes this on board. RAYMOND Thanks. I know you�re meant to be the Devil...but you seem like such a nice guy. DEVIL thinks for a second about this. Then he pushes RAYMOND with his little finger. This takes him completely by surprise and he staggers back, towards the steps that stretch miles down into the darkness. The DEVIL waves a cheeky goodbye as RAYMOND is struggling for his grip. RAYMOND tumbles down a nasty flight of stairs that seems to go on for miles, JUDY ONE and JUDY TWO, two more insignificant people jump out of his way and look briefly at his crashing decent. Hear his cries of pain upon impact of every step. DEVIL Evil enough for you? (calling to JUDY1 and 2) You ever considered going to hell? MARYLAND - EXTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND falls flat on his back, his eyes squinting in pain after his colossal fall. Up in the sky RAYMOND sees an ANGEL look down and tut at him. ------------------------?--------------------------- Maryland is a mainly mud village with the odd sign of religious activity, several cheap churches and mud huts made out to be churches. It is swarming with the lesser Gods that look a lot like normal human beings. One of them stops drawing a cart behind him full of symbols and tuts. RAYMOND squirms about in some pain. This draws the attention of HAROLD. A scruffy looking guy who offers his arm to help RAYMOND up. HAROLD Ah....my child. I see thou hast fallen into my loving womb. Come....let me take you...care for you...excuse me (HAROLD clears his throat and gobs a massive load of snot) my child. I am your God. RAYMOND Well....thank you...but I�m kind of thinking about becoming a God of my own. HAROLD lets go of RAYMOND�s arm. RAYMOND falls back into the mud. HAROLD Oh God, yet more competition. HAROLD continues on his way. RAYMOND struggles to get up by himself and runs after HAROLD, through the mud huts of the sweltering village. RAYMOND Hey - what is this place? HAROLD turns to look around. HAROLD This is where the Gods live. RAYMOND What? But he�s the only- RAYMOND points up into the clouds. HAROLD Nah! It�s just we aren�t all as well off as his majesty up there. Plenty of us haven�t got any churches, palaces or afford to clean our teeth or go out. This is where the lesser Gods live - the dustbin of all of us that never really caught on, or newboys clawing their way up to the top, converting people to their ways or starting their own creations. I see Dave finally got his up and running. Swarms of people are gathered around a reasonably well built but scruffy small house. Here DAVE, dressed in a fake white beard and scrubby white cloak. He has a stick and enthusiastically jumps around pointing at a flip chart. He�s next to a kind of black, bomb shaped device with the words �big bang machine� on it in white letters. DAVE Gather around, gather around. For the big bang! A new universe will be created today. A new world a new life, a new solar system, lets hope it�s less shitty than the last one. I will rule it - I am it�s God.....but I couldn�t have done it without the help and support of my wife. ROSIE, a scruffy looking creature at the front of the crowd looks happily at DAVE and applauds along with everyone else. DAVE It took years of planning and precision to get this far. Ever since I�ve realised how fun it is to boss people around I�ve always wanted to have my pet project, my own universe. And now my dream is coming true. GOD IN CROUD Where�d you get the money ? DAVE opens up his coat and it has the word �supernoodles� written on it. DAVE Sponsorship! This is the first universe to be sponsored by supernoodles. I get a hefty sum to finance the initiative, they will have their logo to be inbedded in the ignious rock and a religious holiday named after their product, Supernoodlemas......I�ll work it into the bible somehow or other... STABLE - EXTERIOR - DAY A shining light above the traditional set up. Oxes with the word �Supernoodles� stuck to them etc. MARY and JOSEPH crouch over their new born child. Three wise retailers come into the shop. VOICE OVER (DAVE) And far from the east came three wise men who gave each gave him gifts of....Gold...supernoodles and toast. MARYLAND - EXTERIOR - DAY DAVE Yeah....that�ll do! The members of the croud look at each other in uncertainty. A hand fills DAVE�s pocket with money. DAVE Once my fuse is lit the big bang machine....will go �puff!� and the universe will start in an instant. It will grow and grow and get bigger and bigger, then no one will be sure if it will contract or carry on expanding for ever and ever and everyone will get worried... All the Gods in the crowd start to laugh. ....I know...I know...thought you�d like that..All that remains is for my lovely wife to launch the thing and for a universe to be created..it�s the 35c version of the universe with a reasonably sturdy time frame phenomenon, that�s about 10 times faster than the last model and it�s got a new processor, the 482. GOD IN CROUD Has it got a modem? DAVE gives a scowling look across the croud. DAVE So here we go. Polite clapping as ROSIE steps from the croud. A feminine woman, like most of them. She puts on a frilly hat and gloves like the Queen. ROSIE I now declare this universe....created. ROSIE pulls a lever and a champage bottle swings towards the Universe. A look of alarm resigiters on DAVE�s face as he leaps in and saves the bottle from impact on the machine. DAVE Don�t do that - it�s very dangerous. ROSIE takes a sparkler and hovers it above the fuse leading to the big bang machine. The fuse is lit. BIG BANG - EXTERIOR - DAY Computerised images of a deep space explosion, matter is flung across space as the new universe is created. MARYLAND - EXTERIOR - DAY DAVE looks satisfied. People begrudgingly applaud, envy streaming from their eyes. DAVE It�ll take a while for life to form, a couple of billion years or so....so I�d like to go on holiday for a while. And remember everyone - eat supernoodles. The hand puts more money in his pocket. The croud starts to disperse, splintering away into their seperate groups. RAYMOND stands around, gazing at the new universe longer than most, transfixed for a moment on it�s pulsating glow. He then looks around and HAROLD has gone. RAYMOND runs away after him. On his way he gets blocked by CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER, a man who has a tray full of merchendise in the sense of a door to door salesman. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Three in one God kits! Make inanimate objects come alive, you sir, you look like a God who�s just starting out. This kit can make any creation, even the wildest ideas come alive. RAY really wants to get past. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER is moving so he blocks RAYMONDs path at every turn, trying to sell his boxed items. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER ....Adams� �15 each �40 for a pack of three. Abrham�s and Buddahs. Get your master race off to a flying start.... RAYMOND Could I get past please. RAYMOND tries to bundle past CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER, in the process he knocks an Adam on the floor and treads on it. CHARLIE looks at the crumpled up boxed Adam on the floor and holds out his hand. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Fifteen quid. RAY What? CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER That�ll be fifteen quid. RAY Fifteen quid? I havn�t got that kind of money.... CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER It�s ruined! It�s no good to me now. No good for anyone. Can�t start humanity with an Adam that�s been trodden on. RAY looks at the ground and ponders for a moment. A thought strikes him. RAYMOND Hang on, I�m God. Disobey me and I�ll do the zapping thing with all lightening and wrath and stuff.......er...(long pause)...how much for some lightening? CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER 50p RAYMOND digs deep, deep into his pockets and produces a shiney 50p piece. He gives it to CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER in exchange for a small packet of lightening. RAYMOND unwraps the celophane, nipping his mouth in the process and burning his finger. He hold it in his hand and points it at CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER. RAYMOND (trying to be threatening but soft and unfrightening) I�m not afraid to use this. Not many have been struck by lightening and survied, well - lightening conductors. Now - let me off the debt. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Nope RAYMOND Er..... RAYMOND fumbles the lightening in his hand, which he is obviously reluctant to use. He closes his eyes, screwing up his face in the horror of using this weapon, despite it�s tiny size and the fact it has 4 volts written on it. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER starts to whistle, enjoying the moment. RAYMOND This is your last chance.... After a further pause and tense music RAYMOND pulls the trigger. He opens his eyes to see what damage has been done. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER is still there as nothing has happened. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (amused) It doesn�t work without clouds, you dope. RAY looks down at himself not sure what to do. Slightly embarassed. He flicks his hand and a strike of lightening sets a nearby hut on fire. RAYMOND and CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER look at each other for the briefest of moments before hasily walking away from the scene. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (calls to RAYMOND) You still owe me! CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER waits a moment before picking the packaged Adam off the floor and putting it back in the tray. He continues walking away from the market place, trying to flog dodgy God assecories. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Get your miracle kits here! Walk on water, swim on land. MARYLAND MARKETPLACE � EXTERIOR Through the marketplace RAYMOND wanders through. He pushes through the crouds of people trying on false beards and coats. Stall holders trying to sell their latest religious accessories, mobile hell units and wrath kits. Past a stall selling burning bushes. STALLHOLDER Roll up�.roll up�.get your burning bushes�..right here...eluminate your lawn�.set Alan Titchmarsh on fire�..it�s great fun! Past stalls offering bible covers and scolars writing, HOPE SUMMERS is dressed like a kind of jester has a guitar . He sit by a sign that says �Hymns written -�3 �. HOPE SUMMERS strums away on his instrument and sings part of a song. HOPE SUMMERS (sings to the tune of �My lord is my Shepard) The Lord is my owl.....(stops).....hu something not quite right about that. HAROLD is pursued by RAYMOND, scurrying behind. RAYMOND So how do I get started? HAROLD relucantly turns around and huffs. Stopping in HAROLD Why should I tell you? Uh - OK (reluctantly) There�s two ways of doing it. First is to seize upon someone else�s creation. Kind of the cuckoo method. Some say old Grand Daddy upstairs did that.....you can�t actually trace it back that far, and it�s only really consontine who spread it from being a minority religion like mine to being widely accepted, and oh! the persecution of the different ones and rewards for not being pagan..I had a 10% stake in the Pagan religion. Seemed like a good idea at the time..once it was all the rage but now all the Gods...........you don�t wanna know what they�re doing. STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY A PAGAN GOD is brushing shoes. After the final buff PAGAN GOD gets kicked in the face by the freshly shined shoe. The person runs away. PAGAN GOD Stop him! I used to be God!! Still he�s a leading player, so you�ve gotto respect that. It�s not his fault if people are an arse with it. Now, you gonna stop bugging me? Go in there - RAYMOND enters the hut. Behind the desk is CAREERS ADVISOR speaks as if he�s speaking to a child. Condecending with CAREERS ADVISER Hello. What do you want to be when you grow up? RAYMOND I�er�want to be a God. CAREERS ADVISER Oh�A God. I see you�re growing up fast. Mummy and Daddy will be pleased - you might get to stay up to watch the Dukes of Hazard. That is if you promise not to wet the bed. RAYMOND (flabbergasted) What? What are you talking about � I want to be a God? God�s don�t wet the bed. CAREERS ADVISOR (patronising) Oh�you�d be surprised. Pleantys the time when too much moisture escapes. The toilet is just too far away for those poor peeps. A pause as a confused RAYMOND looks around the room in disbelief. CAREERS ADVISOR Well what you want to do, is start out with a desolate universe full of dead, dead rock. Then magically life will come alive, out of nowhere! Just a bunch of acids that will form with all the gasses and magna and sulphate and stuff. Then they should kind of turn into weird spirally shaped fish in the depths of the ocean. They don�t do much, but it�s a start. RAYMOND nods. Then they will start to explore the land, using strange kinds of scuba packs to keep the moisture going until they grow lungs. Then some of them should develop into massive kind of fierce creatures with sharp, sharp teeth. They go (CAREERS ADVISOR makes a massive roar) and stomp around with their tree trunk legs and rule the earth��� RAYMOND starts to get up and edges to go. RAYMOND Thanks�you�ve been very helpful CAREERS ADVISOR No I�m not finished yet....Then you wanna get a massive rock and throw it at your home planet. BLAM! It�ll spin off it�s axis and then it�ll all the poles will change and everything will die apart from little rodents then some will develop into ape like beings�.and then a climate change will force them out of the forrest and then they will find an alternative food source such as marrow in rotting corpses and brains and they�ll become so brainy they can develop tools, scavange around, build houses, domesticate wildstock and make soap operas�. RAYMOND looks a little uncomfortable. ......then they�ll start running the world like they rule the place. Paving over all your good work and basically become a bunch of shits....or you could just make them in your vision with an Adam an Eve. But where�s the fun in that? RAYMOND gets up and prepares to leave the room, he takes a couple of leaflets from the side of the room. As he is about to go CAREERS ADVISOR starts to talk yet again. After a moment to figure out that it has no value to him, RAYMOND finally leaves. CAREERS ADVISOR Then get another rock or metorite.....(thinks for a moment)...a tennis ball and throw it at yer planet. And this new race will completly shit themselves. They�ll be a mass panic and they aren�t prepared for it at all - then enter someone called ......Bruce Willis. He�ll go mining on the moon and will single handedly save humanity and they�ll make a film out of it...then.....a couple of thousand years later someone called Pete will trip over and land head first..... CAREERS HUT - EXTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND looks at the leaflets he has just picked up �How to invent a Universe�. HAROLD is waiting outside. HAROLD You�ll need digs, right. HAROLD�s HOUSE - INTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND and HAROLD enter the house, it has a scruffy appearence. HAROLD You�d best make your Universe profitable in the next two weeks else your out there with the God ------------------how to make your own world--------------- RAYMOND produces a cookbook type book and fingers through the index. Through stuff like black holes and space anomolies. To homeplanet. He turns to the relevant page and we see the recipe. Under the list of ingredients are massive, rocks, oxygen, magna, nitrates, water etc. RAYMOND reads the text and gets ready for action. RAYMOND Preheat the oven on gasmark 6. Then take the basic earth mix, what�s that?.... HAROLD, who is watching from behind the door, crumples up and giggles. MARKET PLACE - EXTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND looks around the market place. Past the burning bushes and bible people. He approches a store selling all kinds of things. After a brief moment STU, an ordernry store holder serves him. RAYMOND 3 lbs of earthmix please. STU gets his scoop and puts some of the mix in a bag. STU Old earth getting a bit corroded, eh? Need a few storms to deposit some new dust. RAYMOND No, actually it�s a new planet. STU (surprised) How big�s the surface? RAYMOND I dunno STU Well you want at least half a pound for two hundred miles, and that�s if it�s a thin surface. A deep pan world would require even more. RAYMOND Get us........er 32 million units of oxygen, please. STU You know I kind of get the feeling you don�t know what you�re doing.....they do a great range of instant worlds nowadays.....you just add boiling water. RAYMOND Really - I suppose it would solve a couple of problems - how much? STU �650 per tin. RAYMOND (taken aback) I�ll do it the old way. STU You sure? There�s alot of skill involved. Chopping all the elements together. Making cycles that never can expire. Nitrates in the soil, the rain that falls upon the land, Oxygen creating plants that thrive on Carbon dioxide, even the rocks rotate on a class creation, but we don�t see many of them around. Electrons orbiting atoms, planets orbiting the sun on their paths and never colliding. Can you create such an intricate masterpiece? RAYMOND Nah! It�s alright - I�ve got a book. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER is running past with his range of merchendise. RAYMOND stops in his way. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER looks flustered and in a hurry. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (Agitated and looking bahind him) What you want? RAYMOND Get me a life making kit - er.....and an Adam. Eden kit and glue, please. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Budget or standard. RAYMOND Budget. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER looks behind him once more he quickly conducts the deal by almost throwing out the relevant materials and taking RAYMONDs crisp five pound note. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Gotto go! CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER runs away. RAYMOND turns back to the stall and collects his items. When his back is turned a couple of policemen continue their chase, charging down the alley with their battons flailing. DIGS KITCHEN - INTERIOR - DAY RAYMOND oreading instruction book. Thank you for picking the Lord F Hughman Mini make things come alive kit playpack. It is based on a book I once read but isn�t plagerised in any way. I photocopied it. Simply take the four step challenge. One insert crocodile clips onto the subject, two wire a 2c battery to execute the charge. RAYMOND tentativly holds the wires above the action man. His fingers wavering above the figure. He sneezes, his head snapping forward and depositing bogeys all over the table. He looks at them facinated. Then he sneezes again, his head jerking violently forward, he grabs the table and the electrons touch. His bogey has come alive. MR SNOT My god, I�m homeless! All my life I�ve been in that dark place, fearing the mercyless devil hankie. Now I�m alone, all alone! Lost and homeless. (produces magazine) Big issue, mate? RAYMOND Um...sure - how much? MR SNOT A pound. RAYMOND A pound!? RAYMOND looks through his wallet. He has several pound coins. RAYMOND Um.....I don�t think I have...erm....a pound MR SNOT You can�t spare a pound? One measly pound could get me off the table to my own place. Sure it may be a small nose at first, but then I�ll have an address and I�ll be able to get work - I�ll live in a big place like.........(fffffffffffff)�s or even, a trunk! You havn�t got a pound! Well I suppose you could just put me back up there - where I used to live. RAYMOND tentativly points to his nose. MR SNOT Yes! C�mon scoop me up on that grotty little finger of yours. RAYMOND scoops up MR SNOT on his finger. MR SNOT seems quite happy with this transport and the finger is reaching RAYMONDs nose. RAYMOND stops for a moment, he�s obviously thinking. After a moment he puts MR SNOT in his mouth. He here his scream as RAYMOND eats his bogey. RAYMOND swallows hard then turns the crocodile clips to the Adam, at the critical moment he slips on the ------. and the wires go flying in the air. A massive explosion. The room is blackened and smoke spirals from the floor. Coils of dust settles after momentary being thrown into limbo. Then through the broken haze, we see the stirring of movement. Forks stretching their backs and starting to crawl along the work surfaces. The cheese grater starts to smile and a nearby lump of cheese shys away, worried. RAYMOND stands there, gazing at the lifeforms that are surrounding him. The kitchen table starts to shivver. RAYMOND throws a table cloth over it and it starts to smile. RAYMOND backs away into the doorframe. Then he sneezes again, much to the disgust of the kitchen appliences, who give out a general groan of discontent. One fork, MR FORK, raises his discontent. MR FORK He gives us life then sneezes over us. I�ve never been so insulted in all my life...well it only started a couple of minutes ago. But what kind of God is that? RAYMOND steps back, trying to take in this strange happenings. He sneezes again and a Giant bogey is spattered over MR FORK, her name, MRS SNOT. MRS SNOT You killed my husband! CHURCH - INTERIOR - DAY CAPTION:In a universe not so far away. PRIEST, who wears an enourmous hat with Supernoodle logo on it conducts a sermon. PRIEST Let us prey. A traditional set up with people preying, kneeling with their hands together. Kneeling on their knees, that is their hands grasped together in a kind of hand held together kind of way. They chant the words in sync. CONGREGATION Our Father Who lives near ASDA hallowed be your name give us this day our daily Hovis, We remember those words of wisdom you once said �buy an Express newspaper every day and eat Shreddies Deliver us from evil and always shop at Argos� Amen PRIEST, who wears a holy robe that looks like the overalls for a formula One racing team, a patchwork of sponsors labels with a collar to give off religious undertones leaves his alter. The alter is draped with the massive logo of some company or other and heads to a clearly marked bottle of �Holy Sunny Delight�. He takes a sip then turns to the audience. PRIEST Now let us sing hymn 186 The whole congregation rises and sings �I feel like Chicken tonight�. With actions and full organ accompaniment. An exterior shot of the church reveals it is covered in revolving billboards, a hatch serves hot food. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A suntanned DAVE returns to his Universe. DAVE Hi - how my religion going on? HAROLD? It�s mad. It costs so much to heat. All that stuff. We need more money. DAVE Um..... ------------------- DAVE�s financial advisor, JOHN. JOHN I�m afraid this Universe is proving hard to maintain. All the expenditure! The Sun wants a pay rise now they�ve invented solar power. Capracorn and Gemani are just pissed off with being expected to know the future all the time. Taurus handed in his resignation last night. The whole place needs a serious amount of investment, else all those fortune tellers are gonna be fucked! DAVE It�s alright, they probably saw it coming. ------------------------------------------------------------ HAROLD staggers to the kitchen in a drunken state. He picks up a glass and puts it beside the sink. HAROLD Er......Raymond.....why is the kitchen......alive? RAYMOND I dunno. WORKSHOP - INTERIOR - DAY DAVE gets his bible. The front cover is blatant affair - the words �Bible - by your father and creator - Dave�. He opens up the cover, inside are the words �in association with Supernnodles, ASDA, Argos, Lycos and Time Warner.� He scratches his head. DAVE I�m sure I can make some alterations here and there. DAVE I�ve finally found a way to get rid of it! MARYLAND MARKET PLACE - EXTERIOR - DAY DAVE steps forward to the waiting croud. Several hundred hopeful Gods cling onto their raffle tickets. The Universe is in the middle.DAVE puts his hand into the pot and picks out a ticket. The tension is rife as it�s revealed. DAVE Number 53! RAYMOND looks through his wallet and there�s a series of tickets. He jumps into the air with delight. SUPERNOODLE UNIVERSE - INTERIOR - DAY/NIGHT RAYMOND We�ll make a few alterations here and there. Beside a planet with the word �Supernoodles� written all on it, The hand of God (not Diego Maradonna) places next to it his plastic monstrosity. Plastic and plasticine next to planet Supernoodle. HAROLD waits a moment before throwing a tennis ball at the planet Supernoodle. The credits roll as we see it hurtling towards this place. They stop. VOICE FROM PLANET SUPERNOODLE (terrified) It�s coming right at us! My God! The credits roll for a bit. STREET ON PLANET SUPERNOODLE - EXTERIOR - DAY Thousands of people run around crapping themselves. ONE SHRIEKING WOMAN runs towards the foreground of the shot. ONE SHRIEKING WOMAN (petrefied) My God! Bruce Willis - where are you? PLANET SUPERNOODLE - EXTERIOR - DAY/NIGHT Images of the metorite hurtling through space, heading for it�s planet destination. More credits. LAUNCH PAD ON PLANET SUPERNOODLE - EXTERIOR - DAY BRUCE WILLIS straps into his seat on the spacecraft. It is preparing to take off. PLANET SUPERNOODLE - EXTERIOR - DAY/NIGHT The credits end as the meterite is approaching it�s destination. BRUCE WILLIS (V/O) We don�t have much time, Goddamn! Hold on....it�s a long shot but....our last chance! The metorite is heading, bearing down and about to impact. At the last possible second Out of the side of the earth extends a massive arm holding a tennis rachet. It bats the ball away. The Supernoodle people cheer and the ball goes hurtling through deep space. It is heading for another planet. Again a massive arm extends from the side of it. We see two planets playing tennis. After a brief ralley the ball flies off course and towards a set of stumps suspended in the middle of the universe. A giant cricket bat comes down from the sky, but the defence isn�t great enough. The tennis ball hits the stumped shape arrangement of asteroids. VOICE Oh, crap! HOPE SUMMERS (sings) The lord is my girapphe. The suberban streets full of grotty houses. HAROLD looks at the mail at the foot of the door. Magazines include �What religion� with the words �Catholacism is on the comeback�. He takes the paper and looks through the job section. HAROLD What you know - Jehova�s after a new Chief angel action co-ordinator. My old job. He screws up the paper in anger on the floor and makes his way upstairs to the spare bedroom and knocks on the door. HAROLD Anchinet God of tubolsia- the rent�s due. HAROLD steps into the bedroom. BEDROOM - INTERIOR - DAY GOD OF TUBOLSIA is sitting on the bed in a full godly glory, a mini planet shining in her foreground. She looks stressed. GOD OF TUBOLSIA I can�t belive these people! They still won�t belive in me. --------------------waz marblesjjjjjjoooo HAROLD Not my bloody religion. RAYMOND If you kind of explain a few things then.............I�ll belive in you HAROLD (genuine interest) What? Someone might belive in me. Actually follow me. The metorite is heading, bearing down and about to impact. At the last possible second Out of the side of the earth extends a massive arm holding a tennis rachet. It bats the ball away. The Supernoodle people cheer and the ball goes hurtling through deep space. It is heading for another planet. Again a massive arm extends from the side of it. We see two planets playing tennis. After a brief ralley the ball flies off course and towards a set of stumps suspended in the middle of the universe. A giant cricket bat comes down from the sky, but the defence isn�t great enough. The tennis ball hits the stumped shape arrangement of asteroids. VOICE Oh, crap! |