| Brizzlewick, village of the damned A sitcom by Fraser Campbell 1. INT � HEAVEN - DAY 1. We drift up the white steps of a magical palace, blinded by the light emulating from a pearl doorway. Glorious heavenly music accompanies our passage through the building, mirrors gleaming through the shafts of light. An ANGEL SECURITY GUARD steps in our way. At the end of the corridor we crash through the open doors. Beyond which lays a silver throne and light as bright as the sun. RAYMOND shields his eyes from the piecing light, casting bleached shadows over his eyes. RAYMOND God? BOOMING VOICE What is it now? RAYMOND It�s so bright...you couldn�t....put the blinds down, could you? BOOMING VOICE It�s me - I am the light. RAYMOND O....K.....you couldn�t.......wear a hat or anything? BOOMING VOICE Suppose so. The light in the room diminishes. It�s more fragmented but it�s still quite bright. BOOMING VOICE Well..what is it? RAYMOND I know your very busy.....but....you see I�m thinking about creating my own religion....and... I was thinking...you�d maybe have some advice you could..um..pass to me. BOOMING VOICE Advice? I am the true one. The father and son. RAYMOND (chuckles) He he.....the sun has got his hat on...but seriously I know you�ve got a lot of rivals...but.. if you could throw some advice my way I would be extremely grateful... Actually...I am a big, big fan..of yours...all that sinning and stuff and those places of worship...the concept of existence... RAYMOND produces a notepad and pen. ..er.....can I have your autograph please? A pounding wind and RAYMOND�s autograph book is blown upon the floor. He struggles on his knees to pick it up. Retrieves it, outstretches his book and pen and waves it into the light. RAYMOND It�s for my mother really...she actually believes in....your particular faith. BOOMING VOICE Your Mother is a sinner and one of the damned! RAYMOND Ah shit! You know everything. BOOMING VOICE And while you down there get repenting! I curse your religion, it will be reaped in failure. And all those who live by your falsehood will be eternally punished.....You will be cast into the pits of hell, and, from the groin of Beelzebub, I shall lay my wrath upon thee.... Atmospheric wind sweeps through the glorious cavern. A tense silence between two Gods. Two ANGELs walk through the door and towards RAYMOND. BOOMING VOICE Could you go now, my hat�s on fire.....Where�d you get my address from? 2. EXT � HEAVEN - DAY 2. RAYMOND is getting hustled out of the golden gates by the ANGELS and falls to the floor in a heap. He gets up and brushes off his clothes with his hands. RAYMOND Bloody God. Thinks he�s so high and mighty. Beside RAYMOND on the steps the DEVIL is talking to 2 INSIGNIFICANT people. DEVIL, who is wearing a business type suit, points to a gaping flame ridden doorway with the word �hell� on it in massive letters. DEVIL No....heaven�s that way!....er... (to RAYMOND) Excuse me sir, can I help? RAYMOND Er...well...who are you? DEVIL I am the devil. The poison that engulfs the world. Temptation and suffering. RAYMOND Hi, I�m God. They shake hands. The DEVIL looks a bit confused. RAYMOND Well I�m not really a God...yet. But someday I will be. I will have a pad like this and people will worship and really appreciate what a good job I did making them. Like this guy. DEVIL (pointing at heaven) He worked bloody hard to get where he is today. He didn�t do it all overnight, you know. RAYMOND It took him 6 days. DEVIL Yes, but he got up really early each time. None of that slack creation crap, Gods sitting around in whatever they slept in. He�s a dedicated guy. Wore clean clothes all the time. RAYMOND hmm...maybe we could team up.....we both have the same interests....I mean....if they follow me they don�t follow him, right? DEVIL (considers offer) No. I can�t go behind his back again. He does kind of rely on me..I mean...who do you think administers justice around here? RAYMOND takes this on board. The DEVIL walks over to INSIGNIFICANT people. DEVIL says something, they laugh, shrug their shoulders and head to the flaming doors. RAYMOND stands looking numb until he returns. DEVIL What you need to do is make your own world. Your own vision of creation. There�s loads of booklets and things on how to do it. Kits and such like. You know.. telling you how to start on your own. But you don�t know what you�re taking on, really. RAYMOND I know you�re busy with all the temptation and stuff.....but when my business does get off the ground...you wouldn�t mind opening it would you? DEVIL Sure, I�m available for opening of new universes, supermarkets and after dinner speaking. RAYMOND Thanks. I know you�re meant to be the Devil...but you seem like such a nice guy. DEVIL thinks for a second about this. Then he pushes RAYMOND. This takes him completely by surprise and RAYMOND staggers back, towards the steps that stretch miles down into the darkness. On the last ledge of safety, RAYMOND�s toes curl for grip. The DEVIL blows a kiss and waves a cheeky goodbye as RAYMOND�s body arches forward, arms flapping frantically for balance for about a second. Then with an almost silent whimper he is bowled over backwards, and engaging in a jarring, painfully noisey decent. JUDY ONE and JUDY TWO, two more insignificant people jump out of his way and look briefly at his crashing decent. DEVIL Evil enough for you? (calling to JUDY ONE and TWO) Hell, free to get in, first drink a pound. Never closes. TITLE SEQUENCE 3. INT � OFFICE - DAY 3. At the end of a long table HAROLD, wearing a scuffed shirt is sat opposite 3 corporate INTERVIEWERS in immaculate suits. HAROLD looks nervous as they ask the questions. INTERVIEWER 1 So you applied for the position of......God. We�re a new conglomerate, just setting up in this field so..er what qualities and experience do you feel you would bring to this position? HAROLD Well..fifteen years working for Jehovah.. INTERVIEWER 2 turns to INTERVIEWER 3 as HAROLD continues his spiel. INTERVIEWER 2 Jehovah..I�ve heard of him. HAROLD ..I started on the shop floor but I moved up, picking up foreman and management skills..and with my new qualifications I really think I�m God material... INTERVIEWER 3 Would that be the course on planet making and solar design? HAROLD Something like that...yes. Nightclasses you see, trainee God by night...landlord by day. HAROLD gives out a false smile and chuckles nerviously. INTERVIEWER 2 It says you�ve been out of work for 34 months..how have you spent this time? HAROLD Looking for a job. An almighty silence (no pun intended). The INTERVIEWERS look at each other. INTERVIEWER 3 We�ll let you know. 4. INT � OFFICE FOYER �DAY 4. HAROLD walks through the reception. TERRY, dressed in a suit gives a smarmy smile. HAROLD�s eyes meet with his and he is suddenly injected with venom, clawing punches at this well dressed individual who scuffles back. The receptionist intervenes. 5. EXT - -----------BRIZZLEWICK - DAY 5. Out of the office building HAROLD walks. It is a big block. It has the words �Bentholicism Corporation� on a plaque on the wall. HAROLD walks past the head quarters of lesser well off religions, ranging from the moderate palaces to a shoebox with action figures. Several cheap churches and mud huts made out to be churches. The place is swarming with the lesser Gods that look a lot like normal human beings. RAYMOND falls from the sky, landing flat on his back, his eyes squinting in pain. Up in the sky RAYMOND sees an ANGEL look down and tut at him. HAROLD offers his arm to help RAYMOND HAROLD Ah....my child. I see thou hast fallen into my loving womb. Come....let me take you...care for you...excuse me (HAROLD clears his throat and gobs a massive load of snot) my child. I am your God. RAYMOND No...I�m God. HAROLD lets go of RAYMOND�s arm. RAYMOND falls back into the mud. HAROLD continues on his way. RAYMOND struggles to get up by himself and runs after HAROLD, through the mud huts of the middle of the village. RAYMOND What is this place? HAROLD turns to look around. He points at a sign which says �Brizzlewick- land of the Gods�. RAYMOND What? But he�s the only- RAYMOND points up into the clouds. HAROLD Nah! - just we aren�t all as popular as his majesty up there. This is kind of a giant Godly dustbin, all the successful ones live in the nice area. 6. EXT �WORKSHOP - DAY 6. Swarms of people are gathered around a reasonably well built but scruffy small workshop. Here DAVE is dressed in a fake white beard and white coat. He�s next to a kind of black, bomb shaped device with the words �big bang machine� on it in white letters. DAVE Gather around, gather around. For the big bang! A new universe will be created today. A new world a new life, a new solar system. I will rule it - I am it�s God..... Applause from the crowd. DAVE It took years of planning and precision to get this far. I�ve always wanted my own universe. And now my dream is coming true. The big bang machine is immaculate, and obviously new. GOD IN CROWD Where�d you get the money? DAVE opens up his coat and it has the word �Supernoodles� written on it. DAVE Sponsorship! This is the first universe to be sponsored by Supernoodles. They will have their logo to be imbedded in the igneous rock and a religious holiday named after their product, Supernoodlemas......I�ll work it into the bible somehow or other... The members of the crowd look at each other in uncertainty. DAVE Once my fuse is lit the big bang machine....will go �puff!� and the universe will start in an instant. It will grow and grow and get bigger and bigger, then no one will be sure if it will contract or carry on expanding for ever and ever and everyone will get worried... All the Gods in the crowd start to laugh. ....I know...I know...thought you�d like that..All that remains is for my special guest to light the thing and for a universe to be created..it�s the 35c version of the universe with a reasonably sturdy time frame phenomenon, all things are relative and it�s 10 times faster than the last model as it�s got a new processor, the 482. GOD IN CROWD Has it got a modem? DAVE gives a scowling look across the crowd. DAVE So now, a very special guest..the guy we sent to scupper Christianity on that planet..Charles Darwin. Rapturous applause greet this individual. DARWIN Animals turning into other animals..what a bunch of crap! They still fell for it..I now declare this universe....created. DARWIN strikes a match and hovers it above the fuse leading to the big bang machine. The fuse is lit. 7. EXT � BIG BANG - DAY 7. Computerised images of a deep space explosion, matter is flung across space as the new universe is created. 8. EXT � WORKSHOP - DAY 8. DAVE looks satisfied. People begrudgingly applaud, envy streaming from their eyes. DAVE Now to throw away the matches...so the scientists will have no idea about what started it.... More laughter from the crowd as the matches are thrown away. DAVE And there we go. It�ll take a while for life to develop...14 billion years or summot...so I�d like to go on holiday for a few days. And remember everyone - eat Supernoodles. The crowd starts to disperse, splintering away into their separate groups. RAYMOND stands around, gazing at the new universe longer than most, transfixed for a moment on it�s pulsating glow. He then looks around and HAROLD has gone. RAYMOND turns and sees the back of HAROLD�s head in the bustling market place and runs away after him. On his way he gets blocked by CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER, a man who has a tray full of merchandise in the sense of a door to door salesman, tying to sell a box the size of a boardgame. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Life kits! The majesty of life in a box RAYMOND really wants to get past. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER is moving so he blocks RAYMOND�s path at every turn, trying to sell his boxed items. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER ....Adams� Abrham�s and Buddahs. Get your favoured dominant species off to a flying start.... RAYMOND tries to bundle past CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER, in the process he knocks an Adam on the floor and treads on it. CHARLIE looks at the crumpled up boxed Adam on the floor and holds out his hand. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER I45 truckles. RAYMOND What? CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER That�ll be 145. RAYMOND (making half hearted dig into wallet) 145? I�ve only got 15! CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER It�s ruined! It�s no good to me now. No good for anyone. Can�t start humanity with an Adam that�s been trodden on. RAYMOND looks at the ground and ponders for a moment. A thought strikes him. RAYMOND (nervy) Hang on, I�m God! Get on the wrong side of me and I�ll do the zapping thing with all lightening and wrath and stuff.......er...(long pause)...how much for some lightening? CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER 5 RAYMOND digs deep, deep into his wallet and produces a note of some alien currency. He gives it over in exchange for a small packet of lightening. RAYMOND unwraps the cellophane, nipping his mouth in the process and burning his finger. He holds it in his hand and points it at CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER. RAYMOND (trying to be threatening but soft and not) I�m not afraid to use this. er..now - let me off the debt. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Nope RAYMOND Er..... RAYMOND fumbles the lightening in his hand, which he is obviously reluctant to use. He closes his eyes, screwing up his face in the horror of using this weapon, despite it�s tiny size and the fact it has 4 volts written on it. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER starts to smile, enjoying the moment. RAYMOND This is your last chance.... CHARLIE clearly isn�t scared at all. After a further pause and tense music CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER starts to whistle sarcastically. RAYMOND is growingly perplexed and uneasy. The tension mounts and RAYMOND lets the lightening bolt drop down by his side. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (amused) It�s alright..it doesn�t work without clouds, you dope. RAYMOND heaves a sign of relief and looks down at himself not sure what to do. Slightly embarrassed. He flicks his hand and a strike of lightening sets a nearby house on fire. RAYMOND and CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER look at each other for the briefest of moments before hastily walking away in their opposing directions. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (Calls to RAYMOND) You still owe me! CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER waits a moment before picking the packaged Adam off the floor and putting it back in the tray. He continues walking away from the market place, trying to flog dodgy God accessories. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Get your miracle kits here! Walk on water, swim on land. 9. EXT � BRIZZLEWICK MARKETPLACE �DAY 9. Through the marketplace RAYMOND wanders through. He pushes through the crowds of people trying on false beards and coats. Stall holders trying to sell their latest religious accessories, mobile hell units and wrath kits. Past a stall selling burning bushes. STALLHOLDER Roll up..roll up..get your burning bushes right here...illuminate your lawn..set Alan Titchmarsh on fire..it�s great fun! Past stalls offering bible covers and scholars writing, HOPE SUMMERS is dressed like a kind of jester has a guitar. He sit by a sign that says �Hymns written �3T �. HOPE SUMMERS strums away on his instrument and sings part of a song. HOPE SUMMERS (sings to a familiar tune �the lord is my shepherd�) The Lord is my owl.....(stops).....something not quite right about that. HAROLD is pursued by RAYMOND, scurrying behind. RAYMOND So..how do I get started? HAROLD reluctantly turns around and huffs. RAYMOND If you�re a God you should be open and honest, above reproach, pure and...........all that shit. HAROLD (reluctantly) OK - there�s two ways of doing it. You can seize upon someone else�s creation. Kind of the cuckoo method. Some say old Grand Daddy upstairs did that.....you can�t actually trace it back that far, and it�s only really Constantine who spread it from being a minority faith to being widely accepted, and oh! the persecution of the different ones and rewards for not being Pagan..Bloody Romans..I had a 10% stake in the old Paganism... RAYMOND So - he didn�t create everything? HAROLD Who knows? There�s that many claims to it. Still he�s a leading player, so you�ve gotto respect that. RAYMOND So why does all that bad stuff happen with religion? All them wars and fighting and dying. Suffering. HAROLD It�s not his fault if people are an arse with it. Now, you gonna stop bugging me? Go in there, my child..... HAROLD points to a small building with the words �careers office� written on it. RAYMOND steps inside. 10. INT � CAREERS OFFICE �DAY 10. RAYMOND enters the office. Behind the desk is CARREERS ADVISOR. A confused RAYMOND tries to listen to what he is saying. CAREERS ADVISOR Well what you want to do, is start out with a desolate universe full of dead, dead rock. Then, magically life will come alive, out of nowhere! Just a bunch of acids that will form with all the gasses and magna and sulphate and stuff. Then they should kind of turn into weird spirally shaped fish in the depths of the ocean. They don�t do much, but it�s a start. RAYMOND nods. CAREERS ADVISOR continues. Then they will start to explore the land, using strange kinds of scuba packs to keep the moisture going until they grow lungs. Then some of them should develop into massive kind of fierce creatures with sharp, sharp teeth. They go (CAREERS ADVISOR makes a massive roar) and stomp around with their tree trunk legs and rule the earth...... RAYMOND starts to get up and edges to go. RAYMOND Thanks..you�ve been very helpful. CAREERS ADVISOR (Higher tempo) Then get a massive rock and throw it at your home planet. BLAM! It�ll spin off it�s axis and then it�ll all the poles will change and everything will die apart from little rodents then some will develop into ape like beings..and then a climate change will force them out of the forest and then they will find an alternative food source such as the marrow in rotting corpses and brains and they�ll become so brainy they can develop tools, scavenge around, build houses, domesticate wildstock and make soap operas... RAYMOND looks a little uncomfortable. ..then they�ll start running the world like they rule the place. Paving over all your good work and basically become a bunch of shits and they�ll cry out to you when it all goes wrong as their home is clogged with pollution and they�ll choke on their own fumes and yell into the heavens �father forgive us and save us from this dirt- why have you let us do this to ourselves?� A slight pause. ....then get another rock or meteorite.....(thinks for a moment)...a tennis ball and throw it at yer planet. And this new race will completely shit themselves. They�ll be a mass panic and they aren�t prepared for it at all - then enter someone called ......Bruce Willis. He�ll go mining on the moon and will single handily save humanity and they�ll make a film out of it...and Van Damme will get involved and they�ll finally wise up to the mess they�ve made but it�ll be too late! The earth will be a slab and they�ll be forced into finally swallowing the waste, cleansing their ways or face eternal doom in the cluttered wasteland that ate my paradise. It was perfect when I gave it to them but now is ruined, distorted by their tarmac and waste................or you could just make an Adam an Eve - it�s fine so long as they don�t like fresh fruit. RAYMOND gets up and prepares to leave the office, he takes a couple of leaflets from the side of the room. 11. EXT � CAREERS OFFICE - DAY 11. RAYMOND looks at the leaflets he has just picked up to do with creation and such like. HAROLD is waiting outside. HAROLD You�ll need digs, right. 12. INT � HALLWAY - DAY 12. RAYMOND and HAROLD enter the house, a reasonably tacky hall with bits of crumbs scattered on the carpet. HAROLD It may need a bit of a tidy up....but we don�t all start out in palaces, you know. 35 truckles for the little room.50 for the others..no time to waste...eh? RAYMOND I�m gonna start on my creation first thing tomorrow. HAROLD Yeah...right! 13. INT � RAYMONDS BEDROOM �DAY 13. Early morning. RAYMOND�s alarm clock goes off. He struggles to turn it off and then goes back to sleep. 14. INT � KITCHEN �DAY 14. RAYMOND, still in crumpled clothes that he slept in, squints to read the clock on the cooker. It�s half past eleven. A little rummage then he produces a cookbook with �how to make your own world�. RAYMOND opens the book and fingers through the index. To find the home planet section. He turns to the relevant page and glances at the recipe. 15. INT � LIVING ROOM �DAY 15. RAYMOND is watching DELIA SMITH mix up the ingredients on a daytime television, she mixes together a planet. RAYMOND looks keenly at the screen, noting things down on a notepad. 16. EXT � BRIZZLEWICK MARKETPLACE - DAY 16. RAYMOND looks around the market place. He approaches a store selling all kinds of things. After a brief moment STU, a store holder serves him. RAYMOND 3 lbs of earthmix please. STU gets his scoop and puts some of the mix in a bag. STU Old earth getting a bit corroded, eh? Need a few storms to deposit some new dust. RAYMOND No, actually it�s a new planet. STU How big�s the surface? RAYMOND I dunno STU Well you want at least half a pound for two hundred miles, and that�s if it�s a thin surface. A deep pan world would require even more. RAYMOND Get us........er 32 million units of oxygen, please. STU You know I kind of get the feeling you don�t know what you�re doing.....you start with carbon dioxide and then the plants produce oxygen......you know they do a great range of instant worlds nowadays.....you just add boiling water. RAYMOND (interested) Really, how much? STU shows him a tin. It has a label on it. We don�t see the price. RAYMOND (taken aback) I�ll do it the old way. STU You sure? There�s a lot of skill involved in making a planet. Chopping all the elements together. Making cycles that never can expire. Electrons orbiting atoms, planets around the sun, on their paths and never colliding. Can you create such an intricate masterpiece? RAYMOND Sorry - what was that? RAYMONDs attention is diverted by HOPE SUMMERS who is strumming the same tune as before, and still experimenting with a key lyric. HOPE SUMMERS (sings) The lord is my octopus. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER is running past with his range of merchandise. RAYMOND stops in his way. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER looks flustered and in a hurry. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER (Agitated and looking behind him) What you want? RAYMOND Get me a life making kit - er.....and an Adam. Small Eden packet and glue, please. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Budget or standard? RAYMOND Budget. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER looks behind him once more he quickly conducts the deal by almost throwing out the relevant materials and taking RAYMOND�s hard found pound coins. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Gotto go! CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER runs away, some items falling off his tray. RAYMOND turns back to the stall and collects his items. When his back is turned a couple of policemen continue their chase, charging down the alley with their truncheons flailing. RAYMOND picks up the merchandise of the floor. It�s tiny black party popper sized thing, a piece of string coming out of the side. It says in little letters, �little, almost pathetic bang machine�. RAYMOND collects the stuff he bought from the stall and smiles a naive smile. 17. INT -KITCHEN - DAY 17. RAYMOND gets a bowl out of the cupboard. The cookbook is on the table and he refers to it, looking down to check his actions at every step. In this sequence RAYMOND puts several key ingredients into the bowl, rock base, earth mix, nitrates, he mixes them together with various implements. RAYMOND is working away, kneading the mixture and still following the instructions, mixing and stirring away. Singing �he�s got the whole world in his hands�. We focus in on a packet of Supernoodles on a shelf in the kitchen. 18. INT � WORKSHOP - DAY 18. The phone rings and JOHN picks it up. On the other end of the line is DAVE. DAVE Hi - how my religion going on? JOHN It�s mad! We need more money. DAVE Um..... JOHN The Sun wants a pay rise now they�ve invented solar power. Capricorn and Gemini are just pissed off with being expected to know the future all the time. We�re being sued by NASA.... ..Taurus killed some guy in a spacesuit who was waving about a red blanket. The whole place needs a serious amount of investment, else... all those fortune tellers are gonna be fucked! DAVE It�s alright, they probably saw it coming. Just do more sponsorship. JOHN It gets worse. JOHN looks at a newspaper which has the words �Supernoodles goes bust� on the front cover. 19. INT � KITCHEN �DAY 19. RAYMOND looks in the oven and takes out his planet he�s cooking up. With some oven gloves he manages to put it on the table. The world looks a bit like the planet earth and during transport a bit falls off the bottom. RAYMOND Shit! There goes Australia. With the world now safely on the table RAYMOND consults his �cookery book�. He kneads away, quite happily at the surface, gives it a stir and puts it in the oven once more. He goes in the living room where HAROLD is watching TV. 20. INT � LIVING ROOM �DAY 20. HAROLD Did you use bottled water then? RAYMOND Uh? HAROLD Well � it�s always better to use bottled water for the home planet. Less chlorine, that can cock up the sea. RAYMOND Water.....shit I knew I�d forgotten something. RAYMOND sits and glares at the television. Moments pass. HAROLD Hadn�t you better do something? RAYMOND Ah crap! RAYMOND snaps out of watching some tacky Australian soap opera and reluctantly levers himself off his chair and slowly walks back to the kitchen. 21. INT � KITCHEN �DAY 21. RAYMOND takes the planet out of the cooker and trips over Australia. He slips and most of the planet is in tact, apart from China, which lands in the sink. RAYMOND scoops it up and loosely plonks it back on the surface, almost randomly. He goes to the sink and turns on the tap - nothing comes out. He looks outside to see a watermain is being repaired. He consults the book, flicking through the pages at a leisurely pace as the �home and away� theme tune plays. A change of the channels then the theme from �Neighbours� comes flitting through from the television and RAYMOND is injected with urgency, flicking through the book to the �what if?� chapter. RAYMOMD reads out loud, his finger guiding his words. RAYMOND If your planet has no liquid, then life will not transpire and no one will go swimming..(ponders) hu...need water...don�t want to miss Neighbours....hu... RAYMOND looks around the kitchen, casually glancing around the work surfaces, the first dialogue from his favourite television programme comes through. On the work shelf there are two bottles - A bottle of bleach and a bottle of Fanta. RAYMOND ponders, his outstretched hand quivering between the two. He grabs the FANTA and pours it in the mixture. 22. INT � CHURCH - DAY 22. CAPTION: In a universe not so far away. PRIEST, who wears an enormous hat with an advertisers logo on it, conducts a sermon. PRIEST Let us prey. A traditional set up with people preying, kneeling with their hands together. Kneeling on their knees, that is their hands grasped together in a kind of hand held together kind of way. They chant the words in sync. CONGREGATION Our Father Who lives near ASDA hallowed be your name give us this day our daily Mighty White, We remember those words of wisdom you once said �buy an Express newspaper every day and eat Shreddies Deliver us from evil and always shop at Argos� Amen PRIEST, who wears a holy robe that looks like the overalls for a formula One racing team, a patchwork of sponsors labels with a collar to give off religious undertones leaves his alter. The alter is draped with the massive logo of some company or other and heads to a clearly marked bottle of �Holy Sunny Delight�. He takes a sip then turns to the audience. PRIEST Now let us sing hymn 186 The whole congregation rises and sings �I feel like Chicken tonight�. With actions and full organ accompaniment. An exterior shot of the church reveals it is covered in revolving billboards, a hatch serves hot food. 23. INT � LIVING ROOM �EVENING 23. The end credits of a film flit across the screen as RAYMOND goes into the kitchen. 24. INT � KITCHEN �EVENING 24. RAYMOND strolls in and takes the world out of the oven. It is burned. He takes the oven gloves off after placing it on the table. Australia falls on the floor again. RAYMOND goes to a shopping bag and produces an �Eden kit�. Shots of him gluing it all together, frustration growing in his eyes and the movements becoming more and more angry, his hands are soon stuck together. Images of RAYMOND frantically making a hash of things. Thumping down the tropical trees like a badly fitting LEGO set. Forcing things into holes that won�t budge and again consulting an instruction book. He ends up using sticky tape. Out of the bag RAYMOND produces a brightly packaged �life kit�. He looks at the label. � it says - �Lord F Hughman�s mini �make things come alive� kit playpack. Give your kids a head start in creation. Ideal for aged over 32 months. Batteries not included.� RAYMOND Now to make the plants come alive. RAYMOND looks at the brightly coloured box. Turning it on it�s end and back. He manages to get it open and fumbles around with it�s insides. Very shortly he has two crocodile clips in his hands. RAYMOND tentatively holds the wires above the plants. His fingers wavering above the lifeless greenery. He sneezes, his head snapping forward and depositing bogeys all over the table. He looks at them fascinated. Then he sneezes again, his head jerking violently forward, he grabs the table and the electrons touch. His bogey has come alive. MR SNOT My God, I�m homeless! All my life I�ve been in that dark snout, fearing the merciless devil hankie. Now I�m alone, all alone! Lost and with no home. (produces magazine) Big issue, mate? RAYMOND Um...sure - how much? MR SNOT A pound. RAYMOND A pound!? RAYMOND looks through his wallet. He has several pound coins. RAYMOND Um.....I don�t think I have...erm....a pound MR SNOT You can�t spare a pound? One measly pound could get me off the table to my own place. Sure it may be a small nose at first, but then I�ll have an address and I�ll be able to get work - I�ll live in a big place like Barry Manalow�s or even, a trunk! You haven�t got a pound! Well I suppose you�d better just put me back up there - you know - where I used to live. RAYMOND tentatively points to his nose. MR SNOT Yes! C�mon scoop me up on that grotty little finger of yours. RAYMOND scoops up MR SNOT on his finger. MR SNOT seems quite happy with this transport and the finger is reaching RAYMOND�s nose. RAYMOND stops, after a moment he puts MR SNOT in his mouth. He here his scream as RAYMOND eats his bogey. RAYMOND swallows hard then turns the crocodile clips to the plants and charges the current, at the critical moment he slips on the half baked Australia and the wires go flying in the air. A massive explosion. The room is blackened and smoke spirals from the floor. Coils of dust settles after momentary being thrown into limbo. Then through the broken haze, we see the stirring of movement. Forks stretching their backs and starting to crawl along the work surfaces. The cheese grater starts to smile and a nearby lump of cheese shys away, worried. RAYMOND stands there, gazing at the life forms that are surrounding him. The kitchen table starts to shiver. RAYMOND throws a table cloth over it and it starts to smile. RAYMOND backs away into the frame of the door. Then he sneezes again, much to the disgust of the kitchen appliances, who give out a general groan of discontent. RAYMOND steps back, trying to take in this strange happenings. He sneezes again and a Giant bogey is spattered over MR FORK, her name, MRS SNOT. MRS SNOT You killed my husband! 25. INT � HALLWAY � MORNING 25. The suburban streets full of grotty houses. The morning light shines across the valley of Maryland. In a house HAROLD looks at the mail at the foot of the door. Magazines include �What religion?� with the words �Terry to become new God�, a postcard informing that the water will be cut off and a letter from the Bentholicism people. He opens it excitedly, then groans in disappointment. He shakes his head and throws it in a bin. He takes the paper and looks through the job section. Jobs such as Chief angel overlord, new idol required, stuff like that. (�Stuff like that� is a highly qualified position). He makes his way to the kitchen. 26. INT � KITCHEN � MORNING 26. HAROLD throws the papers on the table � it groans. There layered sounds of snoring emulating through the darkness. HAROLD pulls open the curtains � she lets off a shriek. Still oblivious to the strange happenings he opens a cupboard, picks up a glass and puts it beside the sink. It walks away. HAROLD, in his half waken state is drawn to excited noises emulating from the corner of the work surfaces. He focuses on the toaster and the kettle, who are humping each other. It is over as the kettle boils and toast pops out. The other implements that are awake groan with distaste. HAROLD shakes his head and walks out of the kitchen. Then he turns around and looks again. He moves into the living room where RAYMOND is eating crisps and watching a programme that looks like Thomas the tank engine. 27. INT � LIVING ROOM �DAY 27. HAROLD approaches RAYMOND, who is slouched across the sofa like a slob.. a brief hesitation before casually asking a question. HAROLD er......Raymond.....why is the kitchen......alive? RAYMOND (shrugs shoulders I dunno. HAROLD shrugs his shoulders and sits in a chair beside him, putting the glass on a coaster during this process. He lifts up the glass, who�s legs are swinging around like a dangling frog and takes a sip. It spits at him. RAYMOND Gotto sort out the opening today..after Teletubbies. 28. INT � WORKSHOP - DAY 28. DAVE gets his bible. The front cover is blatant affair - the words �Bible - by your father and creator - Dave�. He opens up the cover, inside are the words �in association with Supernoodles� Supernoodles is now crossed out. He scratches his head and his eyes glint with tears as he is confronted with a mountain of bills. He reluctantly picks up the phone and dials. DAVE Hello....I�d like to sell my universe�..It�s the 482... so what if it isn�t on the Internet?....what do you mean they�ve brought out a 496?...it was worth thousands last week.... 29. EXT � HEAVEN �DAY 29. RAYMOND climbs up the steps to heaven. Through the clouds, the spiralling steps and up and beyond. The sun beating down upon him, the panting wreck that strummers through the worlds. He gets to the top and is confronted with the holiest gates of them all. He rings the doorbell. ANGEL answers. RAYMOND Hello � is the Devil in? ANGEL gives a strange look, a clap of thunder makes RAYMOND turn around. Arising from the steps is DEVIL. He gives a grin and holds out his hand, welcoming RAYMOND. DEVIL Hi, Ray. RAYMOND Oh..er hello. Ready for the opening of my universe on Tuesday? DEVIL I will bring a dark shadow of evil over it�s crisp, virgin soil...Yeah...Tuesday�s fine. RAYMOND Say around three o�clock. DEVIL Cool, just one more thing. DEVIL pushes RAYMOND again and he falls down the stairs. Tumbling thousands of feet again. RAYMOND (screams on tumbling decent) Whyyyyyyyyyyy? DEVIL Sorry, it�s my job. The DEVIL straightens his tie. He gives out more flyers. 30. EXT � HOUSE - DAY 30. A small curtain arrangement and a very moderate, bored looking crowd. People look at their watches. CAPTION: Tuesday 10 past four. HAROLD So......who is this mysterious celebrity who�s opening then? A black shadow engulfs the rays of the sun. A blurred figure swoops through the sky. The DEVIL lands, in his full traditional red skin, pointy stick and horns. The disappointment is evident and crowd start to boo this star guest. DEVIL I am the Devil...the evil in all of you....sorry I�m late. RAYMOND Wow! You�re wearing your uniform. DEVIL Formal dress. Formal occasion. The GODs in the crowd start to boo. HAROLD turns to RAYMOND. HAROLD (whispers) He�s got more followers than everyone here! DEVIL I now declare this universe...or whatever the crap it is....open. DEVIL is handed the �little, almost pathetic bang machine�. He gets out his lighter and prepares to light the thing. It takes a lot of co-ordination as the fuse is so small. 31. EXT � LITTLE, ALMOST PATHETIIC BANG � DAY 31. Computer images of a little �puff� followed by rocks, very slowly expanding away. 32. EXT - HOUSE �DAY 32. Dissolve through images of impatience. RAYMOND taps his feet. Everyone looks bored/unimpressed. RAYMOND God....it�s so slow. 33. INT � LITTLE, ALMOST PATHETIC BANG � DAY 33. The universe is still in a poor state, incredibly small. We see a bar you get on computers, a graph that says how much is left to load. It is a grey window with �expanding� written on it. It barely moves. 34. EXT � HOUSE �DAY 34. RAYMOND Do you reckon it�s crashed? 35. INT � WORKSHOP � DAY 35. DAVE and JOHN are in frank discussions about their investment. DAVE So.. what we gonna do? JOHN We�ve got a ancient 482. No one wants the bloody thing! And the running costs are spiralling� bloody zodiac..or double dip signs or whatever we�ve now called them! We�ve sponsored everything we can! DAVE Could flush it down the toilet? JOHN Do ya wanna get sued? There�s millions of year deals on some of those sponsorships.oh..and billions of people will die. We need another way. DAVE Hmm..jumble sale? Tombolla? It�s still a pretty good universe. 36. EXT � HOUSE �DAY 36. HAROLD takes out a copy of the yellow pages and thumbs through the section on universe maintenance. He looks through the advertisements, RAYMOND leaning over his shoulder. He points to an advert �Johns high class universe service�. RAYMOND points to another one, �Wooperdinger�s maintenance service � and universe repair, incredibly cheap�. HAROLD gets out his mobile phone and calls. DISSOLVE to: DEVIL and RAYMOND waiting around, unimpressed. The universe is very tiny and a bigger crowd are laughing at the progress. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER walks up with his toolbox. He takes a look at the universe and nods his head. RAYMOND looks embarrassed as CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER gets out a screwdriver and starts to work on it. DISSOLVE to: RAYMOND is drinking a cup of coffee as CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER approaches him, universe in-between finger and thumb. CHARLIE WOOPERDINGER Sorry..just can�t get the parts for these nowadays. 37. EXT � WORKSHOP - DAY 37. DAVE steps forward to the waiting crowd. Several hundred hopeful Gods cling onto their raffle tickets. Out of the edges DAVE steps up to a massive hat. He looks upset. The Universe is in the middle. DAVE Since I was a child I�ve dreamed about being a God..having my own place. Dreams are shattered by reality. A cautious hush descends upon the crowd, most of which are clutching pink tickets. JOHN It your last chance get your tickets! A couple of people wade through the crowd to purchase some. JOHN gives a final look around for more punters. None are forthcoming. JOHN nods. DAVE shuffles the tickets around and puts his hand into a massive pot and picks out one. The tension is rife as it�s revealed. DAVE Number 53! RAYMOND looks through his wallet and there�s a series of tickets. He jumps into the air with delight. 38. INT - SUPERNOODLE UNIVERSE - DAY/NIGHT 38. In a glorious moment the hand of God (not Diego Maradonna) places next to a planet with the word �Supernoodles� written all on it, his half baked monstrosity. Beside there it spins, in harmony with the universe. Australia falls off. The hand of God creeps in again, armed with some pritt-stick. Move over to the Supernoodle planet. HAROLD�s voice Hadn�t you better get rid of that? RAYMOND mumbles something. 39. EXT � CAR PORT �NIGHT 39. RAYMOND sits looking at his new universe. He seems sad looking at the activities of the Supernoodle world. HAROLD sits beside him, on the carport step. RAYMOND I just can�t do it..all those people on that planet.. swarming around..oblivious to the politics..do I have to kill them? HAROLD nods. RAYMOND All of them..? Can�t we convert them or something? A pause. HAROLD puts his arm around RAYMOND. HAROLD When they space travel, they�ll discover an alien planet, life that was formed millions of years before them. No one will believe in you. It must be done. RAYMOND flinches to throw the tennis ball but he can�t do it, his face is emotional. He hands the ball to HAROLD. HAROLD waits a moment before throwing a tennis ball at the planet Supernoodle. RAYMOND is on the brink of tears as they go inside the house. The credits roll as we see the tennis ball hurtling towards this place. They stop. VOICE FROM PLANET SUPERNOODLE (terrified) It�s coming right at us! My God! The credits roll for a bit. 40. EXT �STREET ON PLANET SUPERNOODLE - DAY 40. Thousands of people run around crapping themselves. ONE SHRIEKING WOMAN runs towards the foreground of the shot. ONE SHRIEKING WOMAN (petrified) My God! Bruce Willis - where are you? 41. EXT - PLANET SUPERNOODLE - DAY/NIGHT 41. Images of the meteorite hurtling through space, heading for its planet destination. More credits. 42. EXT � LAUNCH PAD ON PLANET SUPERNOODLE - DAY 42. BRUCE WILLIS straps into his seat on the spacecraft. It is preparing to take off. 43. EXT - PLANET SUPERNOODLE - DAY/NIGHT 43. The credits end as the meteorite is approaching its destination. BRUCE WILLIS (V/O) We don�t have much time, Goddamn! Hold on....it�s a long shot but....our last chance! The meteorite is heading, bearing down and about to impact. At the last possible second, out of the side of the earth extends a massive arm holding a tennis racket. It bats the ball away. The Supernoodle people cheer and the ball goes hurtling through deep space. It is heading for another planet. The planet starts to sweat at the prospect of this hurtling missile. At the last moment a massive arm extends from the side of it, being held by VAN DAMME. We see two planets playing tennis. After a complete rally the ball flies off at a weird angle and out of the universe. 44. INT � CAR PORT �NIGHT 44. The tennis ball flies away and hits an ADAM and EVE off a shelf. They shatter on the floor. 45. INT � KITCHEN �DAY 45. RAYMOND is looking out onto the garage. RAYMOND Ah...crap! RAYMOND grabs some superglue. |
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