| Talking to the wall. The idea The idea has potential. It doesn�t seem like a regurgitation of a set formula or a string of clich�s. Initially there may seem to be a little hint of Psycho in there, but, considering the emphasis is on the aftermath of the killing and the death is accidental, makes this an unfair comparison. The return of a dead wife in the mind of the killer is a worthy premise on which to build a film. Narrative The narrative essentially breaks down into two main strands- the present day and two months prior (the build up to the accident). In the storyline this appears more like a �time switch� than a series of specific flashbacks, making it essentially disjointed. A lot of the physical elements (settings etc.) are the same in both of these, so the potential for confusion is my main concern. For this to work clearly the varying times need to be distinct from each other as the audience needs to know which �strand� they are currently engaged in. Perhaps with one caption to anchor which time fits which visual code. A single �two months earlier� the first time the time join is enforced. Then, with the distinct differences, the appropriate time can be associated throughout. There are numerous ways of achieving differences between the two elements. Here are some suggestions. Post production effects: Although essentially stomping on the toes of the director�s role, it is clear that the main division could be executed through giving one strand a different visual style. Tints, different lenses, filters, to separate the two intertwining elements. A classic example being the use of black and white to distinguish time difference. Mix edit effect could be used (other than an obvious cut) to imply that the next scene is not a linear continuation. The appearance of John: Quite simply, John could look different on one of the strands. The obvious conclusion would be a deterioration of John, with him seeming more �together� two months ago as it has been a stressful time! It is entirely feasible that this may have taken it�s toll on his appearance, maybe reflecting his state of mind and inner turmoil. The possibilities for physical change are endless. From body disfigurement, a new beard, dirty clothes, slight malnutrition from a lack of home cooked food, or even cutting off his ears to stop the torment of his nagging wife! Whether it�s on it�s own, or part of an overall pattern of change, it may be worth considering. State of the house: As John and his wife had lived together for so long, it seems they have taken each other for granted, overlooking what they actually give to each other. Although, emotionally, the relationship seems long dead, such a dramatic change would have unforeseen effects. An example - a brief shot of Sandra hoovering around establishes that she is if not house proud, at least house competent. Therefore, upon her dying, the state of the house would naturally deteriorate (assuming John is unwilling or incapable of doing it himself). This would actually fit in, in the sense that upon her disappearance, no one seems to miss her that much. This , while reinforcing stereotypes about housewives, would help account for this. Extra thought on this: It might be worth thinking about other examples of what John has long taken for granted from Sandra, but upon there removal he misses or needs. There are many possibilities for what has been removed, perhaps anchored by speech in the earlier flashbacks, when John demands things. Naturally now they cannot be provided. Unironed shirts at work, perhaps (trouble with Mike!). Narrative (2) Another approach, rather than just clearly separating the two strands visually thus signposting which one we are on, is to restructure the narrative. Traditional flashbacks are provoked by an older person talking about their past. This wont work in the film as John is a closed individual who doesn�t give much of himself away. He also goes mad and paranoid, which isn�t a natural state of mind for storytelling! However the voice in his head could be utilised in this capacity where harrowing speeches could trail off into relevant visuals. Here�s two specific examples of where they might fit in, linking things together. Second flash back: This is after John gets up the first time to go to work. Mike could be used here, actually at work to reinforce the impression (set by Barry) of domestic unrest. In this proposed scenario John would get summoned to the office much earlier in the script. Mike could then say �the last few months you�ve been distracted at work.. have there been any problems at home..� This could lead to the second flashback of them arguing. Cut back to the office, then John might say something like �There was problems a couple of months ago..but you know how these things sort themselves out�. Implying either he�s lying, or the argument was in the past. Bus sequence : A number of flashbacks could be intertwined as images going through Johns head. Possibly provoked by the constant badgering of his wife�s voice, the harrowing flashback of the argument and how she dies. This could all build up into a terrifying climax, rather than having the two items separately. This would increase the build up to John�s outburst on the journey. In this journey to work John could be surrounded by specifically ironic characters on the bus, reminding him of his wife and fuelling his inner torment. Episode structure: Used to great effect in �Pulp fiction� and �reservoir dogs� the narrative could be broken down into a series of �episodes� - sequences clearly labelled with captions. This means the non-linear sections are seen as individuals and would help separate them, thus eliminating potential confusion between the various elements. General story Evaluation: The text has many positive components: - The subplot about Kate works well, complementing Johns world of fantasy and the state of his marriage. - Jill�s involvement adds more tension - Mike brings a dash of humour to it. (He could also help link the narrative together, which I think is the main problem.) - The uncertainty whether the voice is extra person or a manifestation in Johns mind Minor things: - Kate says that there is nothing between them �two months ago� This would work better set in the present day. - I�m not totally convinced that the police would be turn up on the evidence that Jill can provide, but I�m no an expert on police procedure. Perhaps she could have some weight at the police station, or it could be Barry the landlord who forces his way in with Jill (possibly with a copper from the bar). The wall: Although a central theme in the script, it seems a little odd that the first place John thought to hide the body was in a brick wall. Maybe a little bit where he can�t bury it in the garden for some reason (possible disturbance, light goes on next door, etc) before he decides to put it in the wall. Although not an overwhelming concern, just a thought. Suggestion: Comedy potential: There is the potential to exploit the situation of being possessed for great comedy effect. This is hinted at for the scene with Mike. Perhaps some motivation could be established (revenge etc) in the living Sandra, and the voice could use Johns body to carry it out. It would make an interesting subplot, if another one is needed. Characters John: John is obviously the main character and there�s a lot of weight resting on him. The John people know is deeply introverted and mainly alone. The main thrust of the script is the voice in his head, and this introverted nature makes this more believable than in a more expressive individual. Another aspect of Johns personality is his aggression. It only surfaces in the �wife killing incident�, here a note of caution may be advised. I important that his sudden snap into violence should be well provoked, or at least be able to emphasise with his attitude towards his wife. If the confrontation is trivial, then we see him as a psychopath and may assume it has happened before. Idea: John Becoming an alcoholic This might be an interesting way to illustrate the downward spiral of Johns life, as well as the passage of time. Johns character profile fits that of a potential alcoholic (drinks alone, quite a lot) and, with his persistent mental torment, it seems feasible that he might growing reliant on this drug. Although the voice of his late wife disputes the drinking, John often ignores his wife and his need for escape could verge on dependence. It might be worth a little think about, and bring another angle into the story. Sandra: In the flashbacks Sandra comes across as argumentative and nagging. It�s difficult to judge without the dialogue, as this is where most of her personality is revealed, but caution�s advised to prevent her from being a one-dimensional, nagging, housewife. The Voice of Sandra: Without any dialogue to go by (obviously a dialogue rather than action based character) it is hard to judge this. The only point where I felt it slightly out of character was when she pleads with him not to leave the room which her body is in. Perhaps she is more likely to demand him to stay. Wild idea as to how to further illustrate main characters: A wild idea would be to give Sandra a pet, which is often seen as a substitute for children. This would also give us more of an insight into Johns personality, considering what�s happens to it after Sandra s untimely passing. If he�s uncaring it would be neglected. If he hates the pet, but carries on looking after it, it says complementary things about his personality, and the audience may warm to John a little more. Perhaps it�s illustrative of his marriage. Having a pet is more of an idea more than a suggestion. Supporting cast A little word complementing the supporting characters. All seem believable, within there limited capacity, adding more depth to the world John lives in. Suggested dialogue �It�s like talking to a bloody brick wall, with you, innit?� � in an argument between Sandra and John. �The walls have ears� could also be used effectively in the right context. Treatment as it stands As it stands the Treatment is clearly well presented. Perhaps a little more effort than was absolutely required was put into the title page, but it does it�s job more than adequately. There�s some questionable punctuation at times, but all elements are present and I get a general picture of events and how they unfold. However the storyline can be a little vague at times, especially with references to the arguments between John and Sandra (when she was alive). This would have enlightened me further as I�m not sure what they are fighting about sometimes. All in all Overall encouragement should be advised, and considering the rough nature of the provided storyline, perhaps there are subtle details that can make the current narrative set up work better. I hope this document helps enhance an worthy story. |