no4

The garden of Eden, never before or since has such a paradise existed. It�s details perfect in every way, unspoilt by man. A lush selection of green and brown, laced with tropical flowers delicate and shimmering in the soft breeze. Adam passed his days playing with the wonders of God�s animal kingdom, apart from the odd one he ate. Everyone tried to stay on his good side. For they were all friends in a corner of life removed from disease, stress and modernisation. The rough essentials formed the only ingredients of living. Life was a neverending dream through the uncharted motions of freedom. A fertile existence, where joy was the only rule against life was to be measured.

�Oy! Why can�t our garden of Eden be like that?� asked Adam, falling over some plasticine.
�I�m on a budget, OK� God protested �Stuff like that costs money. Still you�ve got life, those second had Cliff Richard records I picked up at that car boot sale and.....er.�
�er means bollocks all� Adam confirmed �And that�s what I�ve got. Well I�ve got bollocks but trees...there aren�t even any trees or greenery. We need them, you know carbon dioxide into oxygen into carbon dioxide. How�s the air meant to circulate around?�
�We�ve got a fan� God pointed out.
�And..� Adam tapped the Christian bible he�s holding �This God made a compound of nutrients called soil so plants actually grew, rather than just being sellotaped to the floor. And the Sun...where is he?�
�I can only afford to hire him for two hours a day� said our loving, tight fisted, father.
�This Christianity seems like a much better religion.� said Adam, putting down the bible and firing a sly remark at God.
�Cheapskate�
�What was that?�
�Cheapskate!�
�How did you get that book?� An amazed God gazes at the bible before slowly realising. �Bloody Jehovas witnesses. I knew I shouldn�t have given you a front door. Trying to poach people from other religions...... So their God has a better job than me and is a more skilled creator, he might even have a degree. You�ll just have to make do until the next Giro.�
�That�s not good enough.� Adam mouthed off �You�ll have to do better.�
�OK, I�ll see what I can do� mumbled God looking down at his mug of coffee. �But you�d better believe in me, else �.I�m broke�.
God was up for most of the night. Slumped over his desk and frantically trying to save his religion. In the spare room the Sunset over the horizon, then left and went to the toilet. It scolded itself in mid stream and peed over his leg, almost putting itself out. In the room next door God was pondering. He needed more resources, so decided to increace taxes or make further cutbacks.

Then he decided that the religion would be a lot cheaper if he was to kill Adam. He Then he decided that he couldn�t be arsed.

The following morning God paid a visit to Adam and his glorious sellotape kingdom.
�Bless you my child. Thou hast forsaken me�. he said after looking it up in a God phrase book.
�Oh....it�s you� said Adam �Got anything to eat?�
�Thou shall live of the land, my child. Destroy the sacred creation that surrounds you.�
�I�m meant to live off kebab boxes and cardboard?� Adam gazes up in bewilderment
�You a dietriction?�

�That�s gonna be great when I start to try and pull birds. The best resturants will be linked with office world, instead of a knife and fork we�ll use scissors. That�s if you ever get around to making someone else I can actually ask out. I end up having to hang around with some plasticine. And I�ve got nothing to eat.�
So, half an hour later, it came to pass the first miracle came as God furnished his people, protecting and loving them. First a shaft of light, then, doth commeth a giant hand from the sky, throwing down the sacred McDonalds happymeal. Then, a booming voice. �There you go, you bastard� - �twas the voice of the Lord �And don�t go eating my rolos else I�ll disown you, you twat!�
�Why hath you resorted to such, junk food. I should suckle from your natural Bounty ...ah!.. you gave me a coke and not a milkshake, you arse!�
�Well....sorry� a sarcastic voice from the heavens �I give you life, a planet, a happy meal and that is not enough. Life is the greatest thing before death and milkshake is but a small part of it. Make you�re own milkshake, use the milk from the race of cows that roam your earth. Offering you milk and meat�.
�But......they�re made out of plastic� pointed out Adam. And lo...they were.
�Yes I haven�t got around to making that yet....I used Duplo instead. However...thee shall hath the sacred cow and the milk that floweth from it�s belly.�
�Hurry up, I want a McDonalds milkshake� protesteth Adam.
�There�s no milk in them anyway� God mumbles, and with not much ado goes to McDonalds via the cowfarm to purchase a race of milk bearing animals. But no, traditional cattle cost too much so he goes to the Unigate warehouse and buys 3000 milkfloats which he painteth black and white. Soon a race of cattle littered the earth, but Adam wasn�t satisfied.
�These cows have a top speed of 3 MPH and incapable of getting up hills� Adam pointeth out, supping his strawberry thickshake. �Any chance of a transfer to another religion?�
�You got your drink, what you complaining about?� asks God, leaving him behind.

The next day God again decided to visit his loyal subject and procide over him. God sees Adam using his hands in a rapid, yet productive, way. God sneezes and Adam falls on the floor, scurrying off, all embarrassed before being ran over by an electric cow. �Just......testing er...the.......the sooner you invent woman, the better.�
God laughs and sneezes. Lo the second miracle came to pass, It rained snot.
�Use a hanky for Christ�s sake!� shouts the cry of the subject �I�m splattered in the stuff�.
�Use hanky for who�s sake?� an insulted God �That hurt�.
�Sorry� Adam apologised before plucking up the courage to ask a big question that had obviously been troubling him �If you are the true God, you�ll know the ways of the world...so.. what....happens after I die?�
�Well� said God �I havn�t got first hand experience of this but I guess someone buries you.�
�Is that all?� Adam was expecting more meaningful and deep explanation. Drip more info out of the source of all knowledge �Is that all?�
�Well they could put a marker on top, a pyramid or whatever. Everyone says nice things about you for a couple of days. Then, thousands of years later someone digs you up and you get to be on �meet the ancestors� or the discovery channel.�
�Yes....� shouted up Adam from the ball of snot kingdom. �But what will happen to me, the spirit in me.�
�I dunno, you shouldn�t have been drinking�
�That was a bad, bad pun� Adam complains. �Just....shame on you.�
�I know� said the Lord, �but I get paid by the page so I�m not really bothered�.
�This is a crap religion� Adam says �No afterlife. I�ll shop around and see what else there is. I�ll get back to you.�
�Try finding a better religion. I�ve got a monopoly to maintain� God says as advisors cringed.
�So that�s it, is it? If there was competition in the market you�d have to provide a better service. But now I�ve got to settle for this crap� complained Adam.
�Great. I�ve made the first Tory� thought God walking away from the tyrent of abuse.

God dreamt that night about having a dream, then he woke up and had one. It was a strange dream in which he got up, had a shave, brushed his teeth and had breakfast. It was a weird day in general. This long dream consisted of his usual daily routine, designing new creatures for the world, watching Neighbours etc. After a tiring days sleep he went to bed to get some wake.

Still the abuse continued as Adam wasn�t satisfied. He would mouth off at the Lord who�d then threaten to get his rolling pin out and flatten the whole planet. He partially carried through this threat once but ended up making a cake.

�I didn�t vote for you.� Yelled up the spotty blue rosset wearing Adam �We need a nice, conservative government, penalising the many for the few and all that shit. The few that actually earned the money probably deserved it for being so clever, so slobs like me can starve and have to eat plastic and plastic substitutes, like food�.
�I�m just saying..� God persisted �that.....in order to have an afterlife we will have to raise taxes�
�What�s there to tax? I got nothing down here�.
�There could be a plasticine tax.....a ...kebab box tax on those mountains.�
�You won�t make an afterlife in order to curtail public spending. No afterlife then I won�t believe in it. World population 1, Atheist 1.�
A pause as God frantically searches for the pools coupon. He staggers about in the background, fumbling on the mantelpiece. Charlie looks up from writing scripture. �How�s it going, er how�s Adam?�
�Er.....fine....apart from he�s an atheist.�
�Still not believing you eh? Nevermind religions don�t die easily.�
�All over a sodding afterlife. It�s as if he just wants reasurence that he won�t die.�
�Well perhaps we should consider investing in such an assest. It would help the ratings. If you think about most religions they have some kind of carrot and stick. Something to make people believe in them and something that will happen if you don�t believe it.�
�Like what?� pissed off God snarled as he puts a pizza in the oven.
�Well..it could be reincarnation. If you follow the ways then you�ll come back as something really great, like Liz Hurley�s bra. If not, it�s a bog brush for you. Then there�s the after death lives. Do it all really well and you�ll end up in harmony, fuck up and you�re in shit street. We need to make disobeying the religion a huge risk. Non believers will take the risk of missing out on this great promised reward at the end of their life. A huge risk that few actually take. See the theory in it�

�Perhaps if we can�t afford a reward then we could work on the fear side of things.�
�Saying BOO!?� asked God.
�Let�s make a devil.� Charlie advised�What do you think is the most, most scariest thing there is?�
�My pants� God suggested.
�Might work, might work...unconventional but no - it might be defeated by Persil.�
�Not these ones� the Lord of distaste speaks �But now I can think up something scarier�
In the end they hired the clown. Soon he was terrifying Adam, throwing bucket fulls of paper around and playing with a revolving bow tie. Adam reamed in terror. Will the juggling never cease? He would do anything, anything to avoid this nature of entertainment. Anything but give into Gods demands to sign up to the religion. He first wanted reassurance from this force that was imposing itself on him, an eternal afterlife. He would not be bullied into submission.

That night God came to him in a dream. �Wake up� he said. �ZZZZZZZZZ� Adam replied. God gathered together an army of alarm clocks which he placed around his subject in a circle. They went off at the same time. All going �beep, beep take notice of me please�. �ZZZZZZ� replied Adam in arrogant defiance as God went and got his Mum. A blood curdling roar as a confused Adam leaps out of bed, discussed and bewildered. Scratching his head at the defining din. The alarm clocks took early retirement. �What�d you want?� Adam called up to the heavenly ceiling of the spare bedroom.

�I want to convert you to the ways of the true God. See the light my son, the light�
Adam mumbled something about buying a torch.
�No no - convert to my ways and I�ll give you a toffee crisp� said the Lord
�That is the cry of a desperate God, dying for attention and subjects. Go away. What flavour is it?�
Adam dives back under the sheets. God looked down at the lump that was his less than devoted than expected. He didn�t care that he didn�t have anything to offer him.
�I want an afterlife� Adam mumbled.
�There is an afterlife� God said �It�s called death.�
�I want an afterlife. The thought of their being nothing one is way too scary�. Adam �I�m gonna become a Christian. They have heaven, a master sanctuary for all who believe, all who are born again.�

�Oh C�mon� God came back after minutes of thought. �There�s gotto be some other way of getting in. How do they keep out the riff raff anyway? Do they have bouncers or what? It�ll just be like a club, a bit of false ID, remember to say that you believe, you�ll be in no trouble.�
�Really?� Adam stuttered out of his bed in interest.
�Sure....� God continued lying for his own profit �Pick anyone from their bible and pretend to be them, although Philistines and Lions aren�t advised. Say you wandered out without a passport or something. Fake Joseph�s can get in. He�s a carpenter, right? so make a coffee table and you�re in there. Heaven is full of believers, hippies and old CDT teachers. You could disguise yourself as Mary, but they might ask you if you�re a virgin. A bit embarrassing, that one.�
�Dress up a Mary - it�s quite an attractive option� Adam pondered.
�There are other ways of getting in� the web of deceit continues �It�ll be like Glastonbury, just jump over that fence for the neverending gig of a lifetime. Like the cinema, you can sneak in the fire exits�
�Hmmm does heaven have any fire exits?� Adam pondered �Hell probably doesn�t�.

The next day Charlie thought up an idea to get Adam on side. Not a very original idea, one which every God had to do at some stage. Raymond had to make women. The moment he�d been dreading was finally nearer. Peace on earth - not bloody likely. That night at the drawing board he built up the excitement required. The enthusiasm swept through his veins. If only enthusiasm was matched with skill.

�This is the best invention ever� God thought as he started scribbling away on the design work. It�ll sweep the design awards and it�ll be totally original. I�ll be christened as the creator of the generation. After thinking about his speech at the annual ceremony he decided to get down to work. �Where to start?� God asked himself �At the feet...� his train of thought continued. They can be made out of....plasticine.�

expalain osssssss
Hours of hard labour passed. In the end he had the baby. Strange, he thought - he didn�t know he was pregnant. He oozed creativity from every orifice. Yesterday he had done a poo and created a blockage in the local sewer system. Tomorrow he�d make a cheese sandwich. With this in mind he tucked himself firmly into bed and drifted, quietly off to sleep. Once he got there he started to snore and latterly, dream. This was moderately noisy.

The big day had come! After three weeks of toil the world was to witness the biggest population growth it had ever seen, or was likely to see. A two fold population increase which would surely wouldn�t be paralleled in the history of the race, unless Eve had twins. God woke up early, unable to sleep through not being awake. Little in God�s world made sense. His Mum was most displeased when he got up straight away rather than going through the usual early morning fiasco. All was prepared for the grand opening. His friends were due around at half ten, he�d even invited around the real God. He�d doubted he would come, he�s always busy, but there again he was everywhere. He took her from under the bed. The Eve he had been creating and now was the moment to bring her to life. God had had little impact on the image of Eve.

To the creation room with the shoebox. Downstairs, away from the preying eyes of God�s Mum and the randy eyes of God�s Dad, lay the damp seller. God got out his �how to make thing�s come alive kit� purchased recently from the door to door salesman who had secretly provided him with Adam. He opened the box and threw away the instructions. This he instantly regretted but someone threw them back. Vigorously he started to read the confused mumbling of a second rate God kit. Soon all the crocodile clips were in place wound around the lifeless plasticine in the shoebox. The tension mounted as God proceeded over the clips. disguised with the amateur God kit that was aimed at seven year olds, but was also the cheapest.

God picks up the lifeless shell of Eve, beautifully defined by a creator of infinate power, Charlie. Her shoulder length hair, her heaving bosoms, defined and squeegee. Adam would love that. If bullying with clowns and gifts of happymeals wouldn�t get Adam to sign up to this new religion then sex would. Eve was a stunner, a sculpture without a chip, a priceless masterpiece with no smudge, a Morris minor without a dent. All God had to do was attach her to a 2cc battery and there would be life, the life of women, well that�s what it said.
�Oh God! Eve�s melted!� Ray sits in the corner and starts to cry. Fear grips him.

He tears around the house in a fit of desperation. Frantically squawking, looking for some kind of replacement. From the electronic brothel of a kitchen to the vacant living room where his parents were seated. �Oh who?� his Dad asked, looking up from a paper which Ray grabs. �I was talking to myself, OK?� a quick reply, covering up his mistake. God scuries off with frantic hopes of reaching weeks of expert precision in fifteen minutes.

The wire, coathanger skeleton padded out with plasticine, the head that looked like a packet of crisps, never would Adam feast his eyes on such beauty. The new improved, Eve. Eve II, master of all, lover and creator. From this mere mortal would spring an entire race. God was pleased with incorperating several features which hadn�t been conceived of before in the history of design. A streamlined head, different coloured feet and a removable arm for eating crisps. God decided not to tell Charlie about the moderation�s and the demise of his inspiration or that he couldn�t afford to pay him. Against the backdrop of worry the human race was about to take off. An arrogant race, thinking it�s the most important form of life. God gave them licence to bully and bruise all other form of life that they evolved from. Dismissing and hurting all that is not their own and much that is their own. Tearing up the natural habitat and replacing it with their own image, blocks, paving slabs, skyscrapers, tarmac. Distorting the balance of Gods creation and torturing the earth with pollution. This race was about to be invented, supposedly in God�s own image. What was he thinking about? The moment of this implantation approached, drawing nearer and nearer. The past getting further away. The present rapidly becoming the past and being replaced by the future.

Half an hour to go. God picked up the new Eve and her head falls off! A long cry of frustration as the world is polluted with the largest blasphemy ever seen. Eve with no head, it might work. God was that desperate. Charles the first had overcome this problem by dying. Perhaps a dead Eve, no that was pretty stupid. A knock at the door! God rushed towards it. Can�t they see he�s busy panicking? All he could think about was opening the door, knowing salvation lay on the other side. A last minute reprieve from the hell he�d created. He lifted the latch and the other side lay his destiny.
�God kits �4.99� the mysterious salesman�s familiar cry. God slumped to the floor in relief.
�You got any Eves?� he asked.
�Sure - �9.99 each, �12.99 for a pack of three�
�How much? That�s two pages work! Haven�t you got anything cheaper?�.
�Only... factory seconds. I�d be glad to get rid of her. Man, she�s ugly, they stuck Kens head on her by mistake but I can�t imagine anyone wanting her..hairy....sweaty....a little more weight than necessary.. .Adam might have to be drugged to get off with her.... but she�s 50p cheaper.�
�I�ll take her� the exhausted God collapsed further on the floor.
�She�s a bit smelly but so�s the factory. I�ll just run her through the scan, see if there�s anything else wrong with her. Anything genetic that might pass down, filter down into the race.
�Oh don�t bother� Ray dismissed �I�m not Hitler, she doesn�t have to be perfect�.

At eleven o�clock a modest audience saw the implantation of woman on the earth. Charlie was relaxed and confident, knowing this divine model would swing Adam into his favour. The more beautiful the world the more chance there was of people believing in a God. The small gathering anticipated what was under the blanket, thinking what Adam would think of the result of the defining moment, trying to make out the figure of Eve from below the covers. The scene was reminiscent of the end of �changing rooms�. Charlie envisaged it as the launch of a new car, the covers sliding away to reveal a sexy, curved exterier. He was oblivious to the new model, factory made, pretending to be the tailor made. Supermarket against village shop, artist against corperate image. For Adam it was like an arranged marriage, the tension intensified millions of times but he was also excited at the prospect of getting a shag. God finally spoke, breaking the deadlock of expectation. �Adam I gave you life and now I give you women. Go forth and multiply�.

A gasp went around the room. People feated their eyes on Eve. Miss world she was not but she was a Miss, barely. Charlie put his head in his hands, knowing that all was lost. Adam folded up in horror. His jaw dropped at what confronted him.

�What?� Charlie can�t believe it.�You arse, you�ve blown it for us�
A pause as God didn�t remember blowing his arse.

�Multiply? With THAT� an outcry from Adam upon the sight of his new bride. Stood infront of him was the naked figure of eve. �Isn�t it time we invented clothes� Adam suggested.
�I..I wish I hadn�t created smells� God said before running to the cover of the attic and returning a couple of minutes later wearing a bee keeping suit.
�Oh well...enjoy� had been his departing words, leaving an uncomfortable silence behind him. Adam tentatively said �Hello�. Eve shyly said �Hi�. Adam sensitively asked whether she was a pregnant gorilla. Eve lovingly kicked Adam in the nuts, placing the entire human race in doubt. Eve nagged Adam to get a job. Adam stormed off in a huff. The mould had been set. �Humanity will prosper� God had thought while rummaging around in his attic for his old beekeeping gear because he thought it was smell proof. Eve had sanitation problems. He had considered going more up market but then he remembered the money he�d save.
�God....I suppose I�d have to tell you eventually...and...there�s no easy way of saying this....�Adam stares up at the great beekeeper in the sky �but the thing is...you see...I�m gay.�

Silence from the audience. Silence with sheltered giggles, wanting to be free. A furious Charlie leaves the room, banging the door shut. This increaces the pressure on the observers, the shelters straing and being blown away. The revelation sends shockwaves through God�s spine. The information speeding through God�s nerve network, polluting everything it touched. Minutes later it reached the brain where details of his proposed breeding programme were kept and the full impact was assessed. It would complicate things slightly.

Adam had suspected this for some time. During his long months alone he�d socialised mainly with the female plasticine but he�d clearly fancied the male. He had been a mass of wavering indecision wondering whether to come out and face up to himself. He wondered whether to live a lie for a few months, knowing the implications it would have on humanity, he owed his happymeal providing God that much. But he couldn�t live a lie. Seeing Eve had put him over the edge.

God legs it out of the room as the assembled audience burst out laughing, the shelters ripped from the ground. Out of the front gate a distraught God tears away, yelling after the salesman upon who he�d come to rely. Charlie speeds off around the corner in his BMW, looking to escape the low budget God. Cal steps out of the front door, observing the creator chasing a man selling world accessories up the street. The wrath and general unfitness of God. He finally catches up and picks up the energy to lift up his right arm and punch the provider of God merchandise. A scuffle emerges, viewed from a distance. The Devil claps as God gets beat up.
�Let me go!� God says, immobilised by a sleeper hold, � I will lay my wrath on you and strike you with lightening.....er.. ..how much is a packet of lightening?�
�What�s the problem?� his asselant gleefully asked, never having a God in this position before.
�What�s the problem?� outraged God� Adams gay, that�s a problem.�
�Oh right� the salesman starts loosens his grip �One in ten Adams are gay.�
Gods lip starts to wobble and more tears swell behind his face.
�But...but...� he blurbered �The father of the human race can�t be gay. It wont work.�
�You should have bought a gay proof Adam, shouldn�t you?�
�What the.....?�
�The more expensive model with the sunroof head.� Relief melds into God�s head as the sleeper hold is released. It�s unprofessional to kill your clients.
�Look.....as you�re such a good customer I�ll do you a deal. You can part extchange your old Adam and have to pay half - that�s �3. Just a couple of hundred words work to save the hassle of having to make them mate somehow. Spiking their drinks and dressing them up Eve up as a man and doing this for thousands of years. Most men would be gay. Only one in ten will be attracted to women...so you�ll have to rely on these to tender natural children.�
��3!� said God, looking in his wallet �Adam�s gay, that�s fine�

Months rolled past without Adam or Eve commiting themselves to the new religion or to each other. The earth was scattered with propaganda from other religions, air dropped in at night. The mass of leaflets were swept up by the fan, from the daunting Kebab box mountains to the blu tak sea of the south. The comitee knew the chances of loosing Adam and Eve to Christianity was quite great. It was approaching Christmas as they both liked sprouts and were running out of socks. The start of December, the time where anyone who has had a song in the charts rushes out to make a �greatest hits� album or repackage their latest�greatest hits� album. Adam wrote a song called �Fuck off Eve�, Eve bought it and hit him with it. It was the first Christmas number one. Eve�s entry �Adam, do the ironing� was a feable effort in comparison, selling no copies. Eve would have bought it but she was busy ironing. It was before the time of political correctness and Eve�s pop career never took off. She was always busy doing the laudry.

On the 24th December God gave into the enievitable. He summond the attention of his people. Adam was sitting, drawing a painting of the plasticine landscape. Cal steps forward, talking softly and clearly. Calmly stating the vision of the final resting place, built and designed to get them on side. A mood of peace spread through them as the announcement was made. Adam�s long campagns were met with the result. Persistence always pays off,unless you want to be the champion of giving up. Cal explains that the afterlife was to be set in the heavenly sanctuary of Hichon.
�Hichon is light in the darkness, apart from at night. It rests on an island surrounded by great walls and bouncers to keep out the riff raff. The streets are paved and perfect while each person has his own room but have to share showers. Seven rivers slush all the shit out, everything is calm and peaceful. People gaze up into the sky and say �I have love. I have life. I am in Hichon and binday is Tuesday�.

�Well, that�s OK.� Adam states. �But it better be true. I�ll be well pissed off if I spent all my life looking forward to something that wasn�t there.�
�What if we don�t believe?� Eve asks.
�People who fail the test of life end up in God�s pants draw with a second rate clown. God has no mercy on those who disobey him, or disbelieve this bible book that no one is sure who wrote or whether they were hallusinating at the time or if it�s true.�

The documents were passed down and the religion finally had it�s first subjects. An exhasted God slumped down to watch the Bill, ready to celebrate Christmas, something he realised he shouldn�t really do. But everyone else seemed to go along with it without believing, have a good time and eat too much, so why shouldn�t God.

Then disaster! The human race disobeyed the Lord�s word. They ate Gods rolo�s and became ashamed of their nakedness.
�I am naked.� Eve said �I must sew together fig leaves to cover my shame.�
�Thank fuck for that!� said Adam, taking off his blindfold.
That night God returned, fresh from yellowing his blankets after being intoxicated. He couldn�t see Eve or Adam or where he was going and threw up over the planet.
�I got some great stuff tonight� he murmoured, his head simmering with pain, the room floating around him. �These fuckin� road signs�ll be top handy and...beerglasses... I can make shit loads outta them....ah! (seeing Adam and Eve and struggling to focus) You�re wearing fuckin� clothes. What�s goin� on?�
God turns off the video camera, knocking it off the tripod and dropping his Kebab.
�Why...fuck..you do that?� he murmoured, pissing up Mars. �and....where�s my fuckin� rolos?�. A thump as God collaspses. Followed by choking and giggling, echoeing through the heavens all night.

Late the following afternoon God mumured back into some form of life. After barely stomaching his fry up he opened the door to the universe, the spare bedroom. Approaching it with some strong coffee and a dettoxicating head. His voice revved up from a croak.
�Where�d these road signs come from?� he scratched his head before feasting his eyes upon the garden where lay the source of his fury �Who�s eaten my rolos?�
�It was me� said a guilty looking Eve �That is why I am ashamed of my nakedness.�
�Really? I didn�t know rolos could do that� said God �But I�m well pissed off!�
�The serpent told me to do it� said Eve
�I can�t talk� said the serpent
�He�s got a point you know. Since when has a serpent been able to talk?� Adam asked, turning to Eve �You on drugs?�
�No, but this cellery�s good shit� came Eve�s response.
�This is bullshit� said the serpent �Magic rolos and talking serpents. Pure mythology�
�No it�s all true� said Adam �I made it up with my own head. You�re to blame for everything.�
�Wasn�t me� said the serpent. �I�m not the root of all evil, you know�.
�I don�t believe you. You�re a liar.� said hungover toffee crunching budget God �Upon your belly you will go and dust is what you shall eat for the rest of your days� .
It wasn�t long before the serpent died of starvation but it got a job as a vacumm cleaner first.
�Ah C�mon!� said the serpent munching away behind the sofa �I was only having a laugh. You�re not gonna blame me for all the troubles of mankind are you? And why don�t you hoover around once in a while?�.

Then God said some sexist shit that I�m not gonna have in my book. Something to justify male dominance, so every woman who is dominated by their husband is obeying the bible and those who exercise individual talent or opinion are not acting according to God. How any woman ever believes in it I�ll never know. It gave Adam licence to control his wife, shadowing her moves.

�I shall greatly increace the pain of childbirth.� said our forgiving Lord.
�Unlucky!� said Adam.
�I�ve not had a child - so how will I know the difference?� Eve pointed out.
�OK� said God �I�ll decreace your child benefit�.
�You still can�t get us until we have a child� Eve pointed out.
�I�m upset� said Adam �they were my rolos�.
�If you didn�t want us to eat the rolos then why did you put them down here?� asks Adam.

That night God kidnapped Eve whilst she was sleeping and dressed her up as He-man. Adam woke up by God�s prodding. �God! my luck�s in!� he said, there was no stopping him. He-man was a little podgy and a lot more hairy than in the cartoons, and there was a dreadful stench, but he�s bound to have lost his way since the series was axed. Adam was up all night, grinding away. Shaping pieces of metal was an unusual chat up technique bu it seemed to work. Soon the first man of the human race was at it hammer and tong. The hammer was a buy but the tongs were ground by himself.

It came to pass that Eve bore a child. T�was a son. �You must call him Cain� God commanded.
�He�s our son...we�ll call him what we like� Adam protests �Let�s call him..... Twat!�.
�He�s the third human alive - you can�t call him that!� Lord complains.
�Twat!�s quite a nice name.� agrees Eve, lovingly embracing the baby.
�Where do we get him baptised?�- Adam deliberatly winds up God.

Twat! had a brother. God wanted to call him Abel, but Adam named him Fuckwit. One day Fuckwit got killed by a big Twat.

God wasn�t best pleased and banished Twat! away with his wife who seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

So the human race evolved. Twat! had a couple of sisters who pretended to be brothers and the general drugging and making them shag thing was maintained. Prickarse had intercourse with his wife and in their 35th year they had a son called Penisbreath. Penisbreath had two wives. The first was called Bob, the second Jim. He was the first to be invited on the Jerry Springer show. Bob and Penisbreath had intercourse and somehow managed to plant seed, they called him Spunk on my face 0891 567 567, after some mysterious literature found on the ground.Wives seem to appear from nowhere as everyone seemed to have one when Eve only seems to originally produce two sons. Everyone got invited on Jerry Springer. To cut a crap story short Eve ran away with tarzan, taking a pile of laudry with her. Her family prospered without her and all was fine for her until Tarzan fell in love with King Kong. Adam got a job in the social services.
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Some years later though, he had a problem. 930 years after his birth he died. It may have been a good innings, but afterwards he found Hichon was still under construction. The builders were still under the room and he demanded his money back. God said the religion had no guarantees and would he mind stopping in hell until he persuades the builders to work for free.
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WASPS

In the coming weeks, under the tuition of Charlie much was done. Many, many new creature roamed the earth. God spent several minutes devising each of them, there�s the pogostick monster, a weird cross between a dragon and Zebedee. These were hard, scaly creatures that left strange footmark impressions around the world. There was the dog made out of bus tickets, but still Adam wasn�t satisfied.
We want people who spend their life looking forward, neglecting the present, wishing their life away for a better time beyond the grave. Life is a test and death is results day.�
�Shit I�d better revise� said God.

�er...why would people believe us?� asked God, who no-one believed in real life.
�Ve will drum it down their throats from an early age� said Goebells. �They will teach it in schools, parents will force their children to go to church rather than asking their opinions or giving them time to form opinions. Once they�re hooked they can still turn away but Abe Lincon said �If we were born where they were born and told what they were told, we�d believe what they�d believe.� If they are born on our planet, made out of our blu-tak and held together with our sellotape then the will believe our religion and our bible written on a fag packet because we�ve got no paper.�
�They have free choice.� Charlie says �But Atheism offers nothing, we offer them peace of mind, purpose, and a great afterlife�.
Who�s the boss around here?�
�What? - I�m your God! I created you.� a booming cry from the heavens.
�Proove it!� said Adam
�You�re the only person alive!� said God �Are you gonna believe what I say or what?�
�Why do you permit suffering?� asked Adam �I fell over and scratched my ankle. If you don�t look after me, what�s the point?�.
�Er....I love you my child I will guide your lost soul to the uncharted world that can give your life meaning. There are strings attached and you�ve gotto live your life in a certain way but follow me. I will lead the way to paradise.�
�What if I don�t want to?�
�eh?�
�You�re just on a power trip, aren�t you?�

�Look at the world around you - how do you think this came about without a creator, some devine being, powerful and loving?�
�But how do I know it�s you?� asked Adam. �The world is beautiful for people from all cultures.�
God mumbles to himself because the first thing that he�d invented didn�t like him. He had a cup of tea and went to bed to think about his problems.
�But still Adam doesn�t believe.� God pointed out. �Let�s send the Raymond witnesses around.�
and left scorch marks around the bathroom. God needed more income