| New Religion So it came to pass that some skint and struggling writer decided to make a new religion. A bit puzzling really as I think religion might be more trouble than it�s worth. Division and separation are the most common sources of conflict in mankind. The less we define ourselves the less we have to fight about. So if everyone (anyone!) actually follows this then don�t fight for it, please. It seems strange that people have died for their religion when no one�s sure if it�s true, or like this one, complete bollocks. At the end of a conflict everyone sits around a table and starts to talk, this is wars inevitable outcome. Wouldn�t it be easier if we just did this at the start, kind of skipping out the bit where we try to hurt each other? Think of the money we�d save! We could sack all the soldiers but they�d kick the shit out of us. At the end of religious wars we�re back where we started, pretty much. So remember everyone, violence solves nothing, apart from wars. There has to be better ways of working out our differences anyway. Instead of wars let�s have a massive game of cricket to sort out our differences. It might not have the same ring to it �we declare cricket on your country� but we could give it a go. Fast bowlers form around the colonies get the call up. Visions of invading forces loosening up on the beaches and terrorising the locals with seamers and fine field placing. Kithchener points at people saying �your cricket team needs you (unless you�re Mike Atherton)� The country set about raising the largest volunteer cricket side in history. Soon two vast cricket teams confronted each other, spread along the length of France. They took strides towards each other, the vast opposing forces. They had just tossed and eleven o�clock was approaching. From the pavilion the eyes of the world peered down, anticipating the match that would alter the balance of power in Europe. The commonwealth had decided to bat first. The players took to the pitch. The bowler marks out his run in. Tension mounts as he turns around and bears down on the wicket. The first delivery of what was sure to be a gruelling conflict. Then a spot of rain falls and the Umpires consult with each other. Play is suspended and the first world war is a draw. Then came the settlement at Versailles. Britain�s greatest off spinner, Lloyd George settles the match in the allies favour and a compromise is drawn. The Germans get the Rover group and a ban on our beef while we place a ban on penalty shoot-outs deprive them of sausages. The strength of the latter part of the agreement sent the German cricketers spiralling into retreat. Everything was calm for a few years but there was trouble simmering under the surface. Through the ranks rose a new leader, mesmerising the masses with his magnificent speech and dodgy moustache. Passion was risen by this orator who said the great German cricket team of 1914 had been stabbed in the back and that never should have been a run out. Tensions building in Europe. The new German chancellor had been steadily arming his reserves and gearing the economy to a state of cricket. The whole country was ready. Hitler takes wicketkeeper and yells �C�mon we�ll have you now!� before stomping into the sudetenland. Tension was mounting as the policy of appeasement continued to do bugger all. The coach came back with a piece of paper declaring that conflict should not arise between the two nations again, but it really said �I am a fool�. He waved it joyously over his head at Heathrow airport as Hitler wiped his bottom with his copy. The German race of superior cricketers continued to prepare methodically for the task they set themselves, invading collosal parts of europe with massive beach towels. This was backed up with a vigourous cricket offensive. Factories were producing thousands of bats and the youth were programmed with attack and placement. Charts were issued showing how to identify enemy balls that would surely fly in from all angles. The second world cricket engulfed the earth as gloom threatened. A stronger leader was needed, one who was the master of military tactics and who would shape the country into a slick fighting force. Churchill was in the running but in the end they chose Ian Botham. He stood on the steps of Downing street, a white jumper with red stains around his waist delivering an inspirational speech to the assembling forces of the United Kingdom, which then had an empire. �We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them at the Oval, we will fight them on uncovered pitches...but we�ll have to shove a key into these surfaces before the match�. Rapturous applause. �They will say, never have so many, slept for so long�. Then the new Premier salutes the Nation in his trademark style. First he pretends to bowl a leg break into the gathered masses. The crowd scream �Howzat!� as Botham, now wearing an Umpires hat, deliberates. Then, slowly and painlessly, he raises a single finger above his head. Lbw! Only 200 million Germans left! The crowd go wild. �Victory is in our grasp�. Churchill had suggested a double finger salute but that was just stupid. There could be a battle situation where one side of the battlefield lie several hundred wickets, each defended by a lone batsmen, preparing for defence. Then, on the other side of the vast arena are lines and lines of tanks, mortars, infantry preparing to bombard enemy lines with lots of cricket balls. Upon the command the bombardment will shower down hundreds of cricket balls as the soldiers valiantly defend their stumps from the onslaught, trying not to edge it to hundred of enemy wicket keepers stationed behind their lines, while giant scoreboards record millions of runs. Meanwhile the county game is in disarray. The cricketers have taken the conventional army�s jobs so the roles are reversed. The sweet sound of leather on willow is interspersed with the exploding of mortars and hand grenades. The usual county championship has been replaced by trench warfare, bombs bullets and shells pound the enemy lines. The new captain of Warwickshire, Rambo, leads the attack as Essex start to crumble. The scent of bitter defeat was in the air as the relentless advance mercilessly continued, but it was nearly tea time and low light interfered with play. A meeting was called to analyse the revamped county game. The gentlemanly conduct seemed to have dispersed. Now it�s all blood and guts and only the hardest survive. A softer version of the game was installed which upset the current county champions, Leeds United. So if anyone disputes that this religion isn�t bollocks then don�t have a fight with them, will you? Challenge them to a cricket match to solve the difference. Unless they�re Australian, then, run away. It seems that religion is part of the reason we can�t get along. Sure it�s human sinfulness that abuses the system, just like any other philosophy that�s been invented, but the more we see everyone as brothers or sisters, or brothers pretending to be sisters, in this human family then the less we have to fight about. There will always be a difference in the sexes but besides this there shouldn�t be much natural division. Skin colour is just permanent clothes. Heterosexual/ Homosexual? The human bodies are 97% the same anyway. There are a few key differences but they are just physical. It�s the artificial differences, the man made divisions that start to bug me. We�ve pigeon holed people into sections, which gives them something to fight about. Who cares if a person comes from Germany or Sweden? We all evolved from Africa so, does it matter? I see religion as one of these needless, artificial barriers that we�ve imposed upon ourselves. Sure it can give people�s lifes meaning, but I think the world would be a better place if we placed faith in ourselves rather than an invisible entity to sort out our troubles. You have you�re own view so you can look out of the window. Unless there�s blinds. |