f BEACH - EXTERIOR - DAY Mr RATs new band of psychos, mainly consisting of martial arts masters, arrive on the beach. MR RAT gestures them to form a line. They for an orderly line. We look at MR RAT then pan across to see the ninja knife thrower KNOSHI.     NARRATOR Knoshi - knifeman. KNOSHI throws a knife beyond the camera and a groan is heard. We move to see DECKADOSH - another ninja person who has a massive pole.     NARRATOR Deckadosh will castrate all camera operators with his big stick. CUT to another camera angle showing a camera operator being painfully attacked between the legs with a pole. The alternative camera focuses on another mysterious ninja, RAGRA SMITH.     NARRATOR Ragra Smith, crack shot with tommy gun. RAGRA SMITH produces a tommy gun and sprays the direction of the camera we�re seeing through with it�s contents. All kinds of weird and unprofessional camera angles follow . Someone picks up the camera and once the filming quality is restored we follow the line again, picking up with FLLOYD.     NARRATOR Flloyd. Crack shot with.......head. FLLOYD attacks the camera we�re seeing through. The view is wobbly for a second or two, when the operator has recovered he films the next in line, LITTLE FLLOYD.     NARRATOR Little flloyd....following in his fathers footsteps. LITTLE FLLOYD goes mad at the camera. Cut to another camera angle. More of a profile view. Pan across to BOB and JIM. During the following narration we pan to see the NARRATOR talking to a microphone.     NARRATOR And a couple of hangers on. Together they formed one of the deadliest political forces since....... The NARRATORs narration is cut short because he�s killed by someone throwing a bucket at him. Something like that, anyway. Perhaps a ninja attack would be more realistic.     JIM Do you think we got carried away?     MR RAT Perhaps.  (excited and pointing at the current camera) We missed one! They all advance on the camera position we�re seeing through. The brief selection of unprofessional camera work which follows is accompanied by comical groaning. ANOTHER PUB - INTERIOR - DAY JOCK, GORDON, TAM and RAB are enjoying a quiet drink when TERRY, MR RAT, FLLOYD, RAGRA SMITH, LITTLE FLLOYD, KNOSHI, DECKADOSH, BOB, JIM and PETER enter.     TERRY Told you they�d be in here. JOCK GORDON, TAM and RAB all get up and leave. They are chased by all the aforementioned characters (excluding themselves). STREETS - EXTERIOR - DAY A brief running chase sequence, nothing special. They come to a fork in the road. Not a piece of cutlery, but a place when the road divides into two lanes.     MR RAT Where is it now?     PETER Right. MR RAT runs ahead of TAM, RAB, JOCK and GORDON. He positions himself so he�s blocking off the left route and screams. TAM, RAB, JOCK and GORDON are shepherded to the right. AMIPTHEATRE - EXTERIOR - DAY TAM, RAB, JOCK and GORDON are herded through massive door which are shut after the chasing pack are inside. A brief panoramic view of the setting. TAM, RAB, JOCK and GORDON are trapped. The setting is full of people, loads of extras sit in the seats of the amphitheatre. HARRY sits on a throne type thing, he gets up and addresses the foursome.     HARRY Jock, let us put an end to this shares business forever. The company belongs to me. You should be glad it worked out like this. At least one of us has maintained the family tradition of being ace. I built a massive business empire.     JOCK It�s mine now.     HARRY My thriving business makes a great profit. It�s the biggest organisation in the world.... RICHARD BRANSON, who is floating past tied to a balloon gets shot down. ....now.     TAM Yeah...but the entertainment in the pub was crap.     HARRY That�s Peter�s area.     RAB Along with everyone else. He�s the brains, you�re the wallet.     JOCK I bet you don�t even know what your factory makes.     HARRY Who cares? It�s in Hong Kong. It�s probably some plastic crap. I�m glad I did what I did. If you�d have escaped from that dive all those years ago what would have become of it? I fashioned a meaningful business. What do you have? A silly idea about going around the world. I�m the only one of us who could have made such a venture. I�m the  mature one. At this point GORDON pinches HARRYs blanket. HARRY starts to cry. A little game of �keep away� follows where HARRY pathetically tries to get the blanket from JOCK and his friends. RAB runs away with it and hides with TAM. They tease HARRY by waving his blanket at him.     HARRY Give it me back. Guards! GUARD and TWO SECURITY OFFICERS laugh before half-heartedly trying to take the blanket off them.     RAB Are you sure you want it back? Jock wiped his nose on it. The GUARD eventually gets the blanket back off TAM and gives it back to HARRY.    HARRY You didn�t really.    JOCK Na, we were just kidding. HARRY comforts his face on his blanket. A child like gesture.    GORDON Yes it was his bum really. HARRY is furious.    HARRY Send them weird media hating politicians in. TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON are given cameras and are set upon by all those people we saw on the beach. I can�t be arsed to type out all those complicated names again. The battle continues and TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON are getting beaten up. Shot of HARRY looking smugly happy and smirking one of them stupid smiles that everyone hates. Cut back. In the midst of battle some of RABs clothes are ripped and his Scotland T-shirt is revealed. HARRY squints as he�s reading it.     HARRY Ha...Scotland never heard of it (much louder) Is that in England? The happiness drains from HARRYs face. A quick shot of the conflict. Mainly due to RAB going nuts the cabbage party is defeated.     HARRY OK. Water artillery. Attack. All the watching EXTRAs lining the sides of the amphitheatre throw water bombs at TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON. Very soon they are saturated. The firing stops.     TAM I�ve had worse.     GORDON Nappies still not working then.     HARRY I was hoping it wouldn�t come to this...he just hasn�t been right since his head came off. ROBOT starts to act aggressively towards TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON. His red eyes piercing through them. He spins around making strange noises and dancing before continuing to stalk the main cast. He breaks away to do a cheesy dance routine with the fish related munchies crowd. The violent stalking position is resumed once more. However before the ROBOT can do any violent damage he turns all limp and lifeless as in the state he was before the batteries were in place. HARRY gives him a prod, groans in frustration, removes the batteries and throws them at JOCK and his friends. They miss and hit MR RAT.     HARRY There's gotto be some other way of making electricity. What did they teach us at school? SCHOOL HALL - INTERIOR - DAY A young HARRY observes an ageing TEACHER giving a lecture on static electricity with a balloon and hair.     TEACHER Just comb your hair and there will be static electricity, like this. TEACHER tries to comb his ageing hair. This results in some difficulty and the problem is resolved by using an unsuspecting member of the audience. TEACHER finally manages to attach the balloon to the wall using stickytape. AMPHITHEATRE - EXTERIOR - DAY HARRY produces a comb. He combs his hair and places the charged instrument on ROBOT�s back. A moment before ROBOT is covered in balloons that seem to appear from nowhere. Deterred but desperate HARRY harasses a nearby HIPPIE by combing his long hair. A huge white bubble appears from nowhere (as in the cult series �the Prisoner�). It chases HARRY who runs past an airport entrance where an ORGANISER is bossing about people who are dressed as numbers.     ORGANISER Number one two...C�mon number six. A MAN DRESSED IN A BIZARRE 6 SHAPED COSTUME objects to the way he�s being spoken to.    A MAN DRESSED IN A BIZARRE 6 SHAPED COSTUME I am not a number. I am a free man. HARRY continues out of shot. Soon the situation is calmed. HIPPIE goes to where HARRY is hiding and talks to him.     HIPPIE We�ve got it now, man. Several people are surrounding the balloon, who is cornered. Surrounded by people with pins of various descriptions. Suddenly the balloon jumps into life and runs over some of the people armed with pins and forks. The balloon parks itself on a nearby bouncy castle. Possibility of simulated love making.     HARRY Oh, how romantic. In the middle of the amphitheatre TAM, GORDON, RAB and JOCK stand. From the distance many female characters emerge and confront GORDON with various items. GORDON takes one look at the amassed people, all the women in the film especially those on the train, he starts to run. MR RAT throws down his water bomb as if he means business. The dusty floor of the setting sweeps in tune to the wind and a tense silence descends on the mass of people gathered there. Western style music starts to cut through the air as we discover the ordinary costume is interspersed with that associated with the Wild west. MR RAT and JOCK stand a couple of hundred yards apart. Their hands hovering over their holsters that they now have strapped to their sides.     PETER I know this. The first to draw their gun is bound to win. The tension mounts as both people ponder whether to draw from their holsters. The music builds to a tense climax as MR RAT produces a big gun. JOCK pulls from his holster a felt tip pen. From his pocket he produces a handgun. In the next shot JOCK is madly scribbling on his flipchart, drawing a picture of his gun. A shot of MR RAT madly scribbling on a nearby flipchart, drawing his weapon. MR RAT�s gun is much bigger than JOCK�s, so the result of the competition isn�t a surprise.     JOCK Finished!     HARRY My God, he drew it first. We could possibly have a �dodgy pun� warning somewhere before MR RAT kicks his chart over in anger, throws his gun away and walks towards JOCK. MR RAT starts to beat up JOCK who is knocked to the ground. JOCK�s head bounces on a nearby vending machine, from which spills loads of cans of spinach. Despite the breach of copyright JOCK squeezes can Popeye style, munching on the contents he catches in his mouth. His muscles grow limb by limb. The spinach empowered JOCK approaches the raging MR RAT armed with his new found strength. JOCK attacks his enemy and is sent flying into a table of drinks.     HARRY He�s no chance. This is a real David and Goliath affair. In the next shot a fully fit JOCK is confronting MR RAT armed with a slingshot. After a brief period of anticipation, JOCK fires. The missile is a direct hit which blows a hole instantly heals terminator style. A shot of the crowds reaction who stop supporting JOCK in favour of who�s beating him up.     JOCK My God. I feel like Frank Bruno. MR RAT stretches JOCKs limbs into all kinds of bizarre and unhealthy positions. MR RAT ties up JOCK and places a radar on his head (JOCK�s head). In the next shot a bowing 747 swoops and lands on JOCK, his head sticking out from under the carriage.     JOCK Phew! That was close! The escape chutes are extended, one right over JOCKs face and a FAT WOMAN is the first to slide down.     JOCK I�m no� dead yet!     MR RAT Of course...you�re one of them. We�ll see about this never die......thing. MR RAT lifts the vending machine over his head and is about to test JOCKs super resilient strength to the maximum. It hovers above his head, the terror on JOCK�s face.     NARRATOR Jock was in a perilous position. He had to think fast.     JOCK    (pointing at HARRY) Er...he�s a Celtic fan. MR RAT turns around and throws the machine at HARRY, it misses. HARRY and PETER start to run away. TAM, JOCK, RAB and MR RAT follow. STREETS - EXTERIOR - DAY The characters run past a Legoman who is melting under a clearly marked sun lamp. GORDON, who is seemingly being pursued by the entire female population joins in with the rest. COUNTRYSIDE - EXTERIOR - DAY The chasing parties go down the river. MR RAT stops to punch a photographer in the face. COUNTY LANE - EXTERIOR - DAY The chasing people run past a gun fight between the Arab and Israeli nations. The Israelites are armed with the plastic arms, previously given to them in Claras will. They hold them at arms length, squeezing the fingers instead of pulling conventional triggers. One of them goes to a box of hand grenades which look like fake hands (ho ho!). HOSPITAL - INTERIOR - DAY The procession rushes past DOCTOR who is inspecting a urine container that also contains some false teeth. FRENCH BAR - INTERIOR - DAY They run through the pub in France. A figure walks in and hangs up his coat on a stand, revealing it�s really a GIANT FLY. GIANT FLY takes one look around and hurriedly grabs his coat before departing. BANK - INTERIOR - DAY BANK MANAGER IN SUIT is confronted by a masked ROBBER who is holding him at gunpoint.     ROBBER I�d like to steal some air please. The by now familiar procession run past. BEACH - EXTERIOR - DAY RAB stamps on the site of what was once a sandcastle. SMALL GIRL sobs to her MOTHER, MR RAT pushes them both over. CHURCH - INTERIOR - DAY A white balloon is marrying a bouncy castle in a service being conducted by what appears to be a normal MINISTER. The rows of the church are filled with friends and relatives so there are lines and line of balloons and inflatable objects. A bicycle pump is in charge of first aid. After the chase has gone past the MINISTER opens up his cloak to reveal he isn�t human, but is actually a cunningly disguised, deadly pin. MINISTER chuckles to himself evily as panic breaks out in the room. Many of the inflatable balloons belonging to both sides of the family try to escape out of the nearby windows. Very few are successful. We start to follow one through the sky as the sound of popping and screaming fade away as we track this lucky survivor. SKY - EXTERIOR - DAY The balloon goes past an ANGEL sitting on a cloud toilet. We see his face of horror as a sleigh closes down on the helpless ANGEL. The driver of the sleigh wears a red outfit with white trimming. They are on collision course. At the last moment the sleigh pulls up, narrowly missing the ANGEL. This amuses ANGEL�s friends who are watching from a nearby cloud. The sleigh driver takes off his hood to reveal he�s ANOTHER ANGEL.     ANOTHER ANGEL We thought it�d help with your constipation, that�s all. BETTY, SUSAN and JOAN nearby on their vacuum cleaners, laugh. The balloon we�ve been following floats neat the Starship enterprise. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE - INTERIOR - DAY     SOME BLOKE Balloon on the starboard side. Everyone is visibly scared.     CAPTAIN Red alert! Mayhem on the bridge. Red lights flashing on and off (etc). STARSHIP ENTERPRISE - EXTERIOR - DAY The balloon brushes against the side of the hull and leaves a massive hole. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE - INTERIOR - DAY Inside the air is decompressed and things are flying out of the balloon shaped hole. People are clinging on (no pun meant) to their consoles and stuff. Dodgy camera movement to simulate rocking of ship.     CAPTAIN It�s alright - it�ll sort itself out by the end of the episode. Usually does. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE - EXTERIOR - DAY The enterprise blows up.     VOICE OF MAN HURTLING THROUGH SPACE     FACING AN EARLY DEATH BECAUSE OF A     BALLOON What was that? We pick up the balloon again which is now in freefall decent. A possible dissolve or two and it lands on the street where it gets trodden on by the feet of MR RAT. SIMILAR STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY MAN on the street struggles to get up. We see from his viewpoint as his blurred vision tries to focus on his lack of shoes. The procession runs swiftly past apart from MR RAT who stops to push MANs head to the floor. Upon impact it makes a comical hollow sound. At a nearby cafe COPPER is enjoying a cup of tea.     COPPER Hooray! I�ve still got a job! ANOTHER BEDROOM - INTERIOR - DAY TIM is sharing a bed with ASSISTANT�s DAUGHTER. A sound of the door closing and ASSISTANTS voice is heard.     ASSISTANT�s voice Hello! The course finished early today! The chasing procession runs past the window and we cut while he�s halfway through  swearing. ANOTHER STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY In the next few shot we come past several confrontations. A vampire is confronting a man with a cross, ROBOT is having a stand off with a tin opener and a walking toilet is being tamed with a bog brush. A man dressed as the POPE is wrestling with a massive condom. Next we see a mock willy that sprays a weird substance over a pair of scissors. The teenage mutant ninja TURDs are in combat with some massive toilets who, every so often, pull their chains. The turds retreat when Domestos cleaner enters the battle. The chase comes to a halt as MR RAT sees a clearly marked media convention. While he ponders this, the women chasing GORDON catch up and beat him with their handbags. MEDIA CONVENTION - INTERIOR - DAY The conference facility is overtaken by the disturbing presence of MR RAT. Mixed shots of the mayhem he causes, violently attacking the stands and media professionals. GORDON is still being hunted by loads of bloodthirsty women around the complex. He heads for the toilets and just makes it. The mob wait outside for him. MEDIA CONVENTION LATRINE - INTERIOR - DAY GORDON heads out of the window. MEDIA CONVENTION - INTERIOR - DAY We see an award ceremony being conducted by an ANNOUNCER in a typical formulaic format.     ANNOUNCER The prize for the.....biggest cash donation to the judges is.....Made in Hong Kong. Will the Producer or Director come forward to accept the prize of....half your money back. Applause as out of the crowd steps the DIRECTOR and PRODUCER. They have a little scuffle over who is going to collect the prize.     PRODUCER I deserve this more than you. Without me they�d be no film. Many people in the audience decide to throw things at the PRODUCER. Popcorn, tripods, chairs, tripods etc. By the toilets the women club an unsuspecting member of the public who has just done a dump. STRANGE NEW WORLD - INTERIOR - DAY The continuing chase is briefly conducted in this setting. GORDON has shaken off the women and is in the following pack with MR RAT, JOCK, TAM and GORDON. Mixed shots of adventurous strange new world sciences feature Indiana Jones style action shots. In the end the lot of them go through a strange glowing porthole which is suspended above the ground. PUB - INTERIOR - DAY WALDO and DORA are continuing the �entertainment� on their stage which is partly obscured by some scaffolding PAINTER is using to Paint the ceiling. Despite this the act continues to bore the pants of the few who are listening.     DORA And now an Australian Kangaroo, all the way from Australia, will attack Waldo. WALDO goes behind a curtain. We hear fighting sounds. CAPTIONS: Biff! :Sock :Pow :Moo :Flash :Kangaroo supper tonight! WALDO appears with a shabby kangaroo rug and expects applause. DORA shakes the tin and almost expects people to put money in it. She is bitterly disappointed. The crowd are visibly unmoved, apart from one member which it stirs some kind of feint reaction from, a GENUINE AUSTRALIAN KANGAROO sits drinking his beer and smoking. He wears a ridiculous corked hat.     GENUINE AUSTRALIAN KANGAROO Looks nothing like one, mate.     DORA Now Waldo will be infected with toxic fumes. DORA disappears into the stage flap and re-appears moments later with a box with a tube on it labelled �toxic�. She sticks the nozzle down WALDO�s throat. WALDO falls on the ground, gasping for breath and it is very, very, unconvincing. We move to the bar where a fiercely bandaged SOMEONE is talking to FARMER.     SOMEONE ....so the doctor pumped me so full of weed killer it drained my intestines and I had to drink 30 gallons of fertiliser to make them grow back. �It�s OK� he said �You could get a job as a lawn�     FARMER Growing lawns eh? I�ve spent 30 years growing this marrow. FARMER produces a massive marrow from around his feet and places it on the bar. Beside the bar MR RAT punches another photographer onto the scaffolding which is supporting a Painter, who struggles to maintain his balance on the now wavering structure. Pots of green paint fall on the unsuspecting public below. The structure finally gives way, scattering debris over the place. Some poles fall on the other end of the bar, making the bar shoot up catapulting the contents of the other end in the air. Knives pin people to walls and RAB runs after a catapulted beverage that id flying through the air. Slow motion replays as he catches the glass goalie style. In the end he stands and is about to sip his hard won drink when the handle breaks, spilling the contents all over him. An old spittoon ends up being struck directly on the local policeman, PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS�s head. He staggers around, his sight totally impeded by a full spittoon. A pause as everyone has a chance to absorb what has just happened. PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS staggers blindly. Finally, after much struggle he manages to get the spittoon off his head. It makes a comical popping noise and PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS gets soaked in the process. Long pause as everyone looks at MR RAT.     MR RAT    (pointing at WALDO) He started it. MR RAT runs away with the rest of the procession who�d been watching the chain reaction. PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS steps back to take in the damage. He trips over a piece of debris and falls on the PERSON BEHIND HIM. The PERSON BEHIND HIM is firing a crossbow at a dartboard and this puts him off aim completely. He shoots SOMEONE who is looked at by SOMEONE ELSE. (I sometimes wish I could think up real names).     SOMEONE ELSE My....he�s dead. A silence fills the room. Once it�s full it is  broken by a sound as DORA shakes the empty tin.     DORA    (hopefully) Offering you the best in entertainment. She is showered with money to her and WALDO�s delight. A moment of joy in a lifetime of anguish and it is short lived. BAR TENDER points to a sign that says �You�ll have to pay for the damage�, just above another one saying �don�t nick glasses, we�re loosing enough already�. PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS gets out his notepad and starts scribbling.     PC WHATEVER HIS NAME IS Hefty fine, sir.     PAINTER I�ve broken my leg!     SOMEONE   (suddenly alive) My family will want compensation. From behind the bar FARMER arises holding his unharmed marrow above his head with two hands. A miracle it survived in the wake of such destruction.     FARMER So...this would have taken thousands to replace. MR RAT returns briefly to take the marrow out of FARMERs safe hands. He headbuts the vegetable before replacing the it to it�s previous position and running off. Everyone looks at WALDO.     WALDO (mightily pissed off) I�m joining the circus! CIRCUS ARENA - INTERIOR - DAY Signs indicate we are about to witness �Waldo�s lion taming show�. DORA is still the announcer while WALDO is in a cage with a real lion.     DORA And now Waldo will.... In the background the lion attacks WALDO and starts to eat him. WALDO�s legs struggle comically outside the lions mouth.     DORA ......er....get eaten by a lion. PRISON - INTERIOR - DAY We see CELLMATE cowering in his cell alone. He is in mid conversation with the GUARD, who�s voice comes through the cell door.     GUARD�s VOICE So, they almost fired me....just for giving away that key. Oh well...gotto go. CELLMATE looks up and notices something is wrong.     CELLMATE Hang on, you�ve forgotten something. Cut to another shot showing the now headless GUARD walking off. He�s left his head on the floor. A mysterious porthole opens and the chasing parties run out of it. They run past MOLLY and BLOKE who are trying to escape. GUARDS head gets kicked about somewhat by the passing procession. As MOLLY looks up the porthole vanishes.     MOLLY Ah! That was a two way porthole HARRY�s LIVING ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY The chase is on the verge of climax as HARRY and PETER race into the room encountered many time in the production. They close the door and press themselves against it. PETER barricades the door with a chair while HARRY runs off shot. Once the door is temporary secure PETER follows in this direction but stops at the foot of the fireplace and calls to HARRY.     PETER Hold on. I�ve seen Mary Poppins. I know what to do. HARRY goes back to meet him. PETER leads the way as they jump in the picture of a park that�s before of the fireplace. PARK - EXTERIOR - DAY A bright sunny day as HARRY and PETER find themselves riding on detached Carousel horses through the precise park surroundings. The wonderful landscape fills the horizon and the scene is accompanied by pleasant music. Suddenly the atmosphere starts to change as dark clouds block the sky. A crack of thunder and it starts to rain yellowy rain. The magical world starts to dissolve. HARRY�s LIVING ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY Beside the fireplace we see MR RAT peeing on the picture. After a short time HARRY and PETER appear at the foot of the fireplace, they are drenched in wee and voice the odd grunt in disgust. MR RAT seizes the moment and grabs HARRY by the throat, lifting him up.     MR RAT You Celtic scum. I�m not gonna let you down until you convert to Rangers.     RAB And you admit that Scotland isn�t in England.     JOCK And.....I er...want them shares. A long pause in which everyone expects someone else to do something. HARRY points at MR RAT.     MR RAT Er...line. Pan across to see the DIRECTOR and PRODUCER fighting over the money the film �won�. Pan back. A MAN WITH A SCRIPT     A MAN WITH A SCRIPT I�ll break your neck like a...     MR RAT Er...that�s it! (collects himself and gets into character). I�ll break your neck like a twig. MR RAT still has HARRY in a precarious position. His grip tightens as the nearby PETER opens the distinctive envelope after removing it from the mantelpiece. PETER starts to read the contents of the letter, quietly, to himself. Meanwhile HARRY finds himself in an awkward position.     HARRY (trying not to laugh after the script cock up, but not the line) A twig never broke anyone�s neck. MR RAT looks very confused for about three seconds, this is the time the music has completely stopped. After a very short time it all starts up again. MR RAT twisting and stretching HARRY�s neck which is manipulated into all kinds of weird positions. He lets go and it snaps back. MR RAT persists with more punishment, putting HARRY�s head near to the blazing fire.     HARRY Okay. Rangers are better than Celtic and Scotland is not in England. Mr RAT lets go of HARRY, who briefly gasps a breath.     JOCK What about the shares? MR RAT threatens to resume the torturous treatment of HARRY.     HARRY OK you can have them aswell. With his limp hand he sighs something that GORDON is waving at him. The atmosphere turns into a mood of celebration.     JOCK He�s signed them over to me! I�m rich! JOCK, TAM, GORDON and RAB run from shot. The deprived HARRY tries to recover from the onslaught of the encounter with MR RAT. He�s helped by the words of PETER who has finished reading the letter from the mantelpiece/opening credits.     PETER It�s alright, we�ve gone bust anyway. Black screen. Roll credits for a moment. The should of a gunshot is heard. HARRY�s HOUSE - INTERIOR - DAY We return to the scene almost as we left it. There�s evidence of the filming breaking up with the odd light in shot, actors slipping out of their more uncomfortable costumes etc. A SOUND ENGINEER rushes into shot.     SOUND ENGINEER My God! The director�s killed the producer!     TAM What?     SOUND ENGINEER The directors shot the producer.     JOCK Where is he?     SOUND ENGINEER Lying on the floor with blood all over him.     GORDON No...the director. We see a studio door swing shut.     SOUND ENGINEER He�s just left.     TAM Let�s get after him. They run towards the door, members of cast and crew then GORDON turns back toward the camera.     GORDON Hey....bring the camera. We might get an Oskar for this! Some go back to get the camera and yet another fucking chase is on, a simple affair. MEDIA CONVENTION - EXTERIOR - DAY MR RAT gets beaten up by loads of media people.     MR RAT Look...I was acting...OK? ROUGH COUNTRYSIDE - EXTERIOR - DAY DIRECTOR, possibly with his chair attached to his bum, is being followed by the bunch of cast and crew. He jumps over a stone wall and lands safely on the other side, which happens to be flat grass. This happens another time as we are taken through a forest where a girl in red is being attacked by a wolf. The sequence continues as DIRECTOR continues running along a road with a stone wall on the side. Puddles line the ground and out of one extends the hand of DOUG, tripping up the DIRECTOR. This allows the pursuers to gain on him. Seconds before the potential capture of the DIRECTOR a dubbed voice kicked in.     NARRATOR The capture of the Director seemed imminent. Then he made a fatal miscalculation. DIRECTOR jumps over the wall expecting it to be another harmless field. Cut to an image of him falling off the side of a viaduct. Everything seems to be in slow motion as the fate of the DIRECTOR seems to be sealed. A stirring chord as SANTA swoops below the falling  DIRECTOR, seconds before impact. SANTA veers his sleigh up and lands on the bridge, delivering the DIRECTOR to the awaiting ROBOT who attaches him to a tree with a bikelock.     SANTA I�m a bloody superhero...and they say I don�t exist. Well I�ve got presents for all of you....Jock�s and Mr Rats are quite valuable....but you can�t get them until Christmas. If you�re good that is! JOCK looks at MR RAT in a kind of devious way. MR RAT nods indicating they are thinking along the same lines. They advance on SANTA with the clear intention of mugging him. We cut to the credits moments before their feet connect with SANTA�s groin. BEDROOM - INTERIOR - DAY The crumpled wreck of the bed is as we saw it last. A knocking is heard. FATHER slowly gets up and scratches his head, clearly shocked and disorientated after repeatedly almost dying at the start of the film. He staggers over to the door and opens it. On the other side is CLARA.     CLARA I�ve come back...if you�ll have me. CLARA steps in as FATHER goes over to the window engrossed in thought. BEDROOM - EXTERIOR - DAY We see FATHER looking out of the window before the house falls down.     FATHER    (voice from wreckage) Oh! bloody hell!      CLARA    (at pretty much the same time) Shit!

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