| Made In Hong Kong BEDROOM - INTERIOR - DAY In the bedroom there is JOCK who is kneeling beside the four poster bed occupied by his FATHER who looks very ill, death on two legs. His withered body broken and bruised. The walls are lined with evidence of fading riches such as mouldy hunting trophies. FATHER Son, I�m dying. There is little time for me in this plain of life. A new chapter awaits. I am preparing my soul to embark on a great journey, hopefully to a better place. JOCK Yeah, this is a bit of a shithole really. FATHER Jock. A great secret has plagued the fading fruitless moments of my existence. Something I should have uncovered many years ago. FATHER grabs JOCKs hand in fatherly gesture JOCK My God, you�re not gay, are you? FATHER You�ve a brother, Jock, someone you�ve never met. He ran away years ago to make...things. He owns a factory miles away or something. JOCK (clearly not paying attention) Sorry, my inheritance is what? FATHER Jock, you are the last in the line of McAngus. We ruled half of scotland and there have been lords and dukes McAngus. I want there to be a name for you son. JOCK I�ll be called (insert actors name here) FATHER That�ll never catch on. Sounds like some skankey actor. The fragile flame of life is almost extinguished, only the embers remain. A shadow of my former self... DAD seemingly dies. There�s a massive gurgling sound and his head reclines indicating a state of death has passed. JOCK My.... FATHER gurgles again. A pause as JOCK waits for him to finish. JOCK My...he�s finally gone. All my... FATHER groans again. JOCK Finished? (briefest pause) My...he�s finally gone. For years he dominated my life...ruled it with a iron fist, I had no freedom. At last! My first fag. JOCK produces a fag and a lighter from him pocket. It becomes obvious he has no idea how to light it, juggling the fag and it�s lighter. He eventually gets the lighter to work but succeeds only in setting his sleeve alight. In a desperate attempt to put it out he wafts his hand around, but only increases the intensity of the flames. His frantic, flaming limb makes contact with the bedclothes, setting the bed and his FATHER on fire. After the initial shock JOCK tries to regress the situation by throwing the contents of a nearby jug onto the bed. Unfortunately it triggers off a minor explosion. JOCK�s panic steps up a gear as he grabs a nearby cat and squeezes it. The spurt of liquid that flies out starts to deaden the blaze. JOCK puts his arm in a nearby toilet, solving the difficulty. A moments pause follows where everything settles and a wave of relief overcomes JOCK. FATHER I suppose that was passive smoking. A hunting trophy falls on the slightly singed four poster bed. The dust settles before he starts to crawl out. A segment of ceiling falls on him. JOCK I am free at last. Free from the grasp of oppression. He was rich all along, there�s a fortune stashed in the cake tin. I�ll use it to sail around the world. JOCK knocks on a wardrobe door in the bedroom. Out pop many people in the mood to party, including GIRL and CLIVE. GIRL We can get married now, Clive. GIRL and CLIVE embrace before the party atmosphere is abruptly deadened. FATHER You know, perhaps I�m not dead. JOCK Shit! The uncomfortable silence is broken when RAB bursts in. RAB So I hear the old sod�s snuffed it. A moment silence. FATHER waves at RAB. CLIVE Ah...I know. CLIVE disappears into the wardrobe where he appeared from and returns seconds later with a massive weapon which he fires at FATHER. The party atmosphere is restored. RAB leads the mass exodus of excited people. We focus on the remains of FATHER. FATHER I guess I�m just resilient, that�s all. TITLE SEQUENCE features ANNA typing a letter on a type writer. The sequence ends with ANNA sealing the letter in a distinctive envelope. STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY We see BOB, JIM, MR RAT and TAM. All Scruffy looking and sitting in the gutter. JOCK and RAB stand nearby. BOB A sailor you want - don�t get Tam to do it . He�s jinxed. JIM He lost the Anne-Marie, most of the crew and the cargo of Gold bullion. TAM I didn�t loose the ship. It just went missing....so I was navigating at the time. JOCK(referring to MR RAT) Who is he anyway? MR RAT (rummaging around in pocket) Now where did I put that caption? Ah! there it is. CAPTION: Mr Rat - the maddest psycho in the production. There follows a manic spell in which the surrounding area is destroyed by MR RAT. MR RAT I�m the maddest person in the film..although the competition isn�t as tight as it once was....there�s not enough Psychopaths around.. I blame the media. All that censorship means people are just...sane. TAM I�ve seen and done it all. Sea discovery, fishing, shipwrecks....well not the last one. But I am a trained navigator. BOB Don�t fall for it. He�s crap! We went on a round the world cruise and ended up on the moon. He�s demented! JOCK and RAB begin to walk away. MR RAT A wee bit demented? You�re the kind of lads I�m after. TAM, BOB and JIM look at him in interest. PUB - INTERIOR - DAY RAB and JOCK take a seat, well one each. They witness the feeble entertainment that is on show on a makeshift stage. The main performer WALDO and his girlfriend DORA are both dressed in fading, budget sparkly numbers. Failing this, clothes. WALDO (expecting applause) Thank you ladies and gentlemen. No one has clapped. DORA And now Waldo will stop an anteater from eating him alive....because he isn�t an ant. WALDO comes on stage dressed as an ant. An anteater comes on too and starts to eat him. WALDO slips out of his costume and expects applause. ANTEATER ARMED WITH KNIFE AND FORK I won�t eat him. He isn�t an ant! DORA (shaking empty tin) Offering you the best in entertainment. And now Waldo will wrestle with a lion. WALDO tries to show off his �muscles� which are obviously padding as some falls out of his jumper. Then he picks up a very obviously unalive lion skin (possibly with the word �rug� written on the side of it) and tries to make it look like it�s attacking him, throwing punches and suchlike. He pauses to sip a drink. At the bar a WAITRESS talks to her BOSS. WAITRESS God. Every night. Do we have to go through this shoddy ...act? BOSS It�s not my fault. It�s the owners miles away....they insist. WAITRESS I bet they�re doing badly BLOKE BY BAR Wow! What a link! HARRY�s LIVING ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY A moderately well furnished room. Not a palace but no where near short of a bob or two, money either. PETER The profit margin for March dropped in our chain of pubs due to the shoddiness of the provided entertainment. However this is only a small part of what we own and was drowned out by success in other areas. Any questions? HARRY Yeah....what do we make? PETER I�ve logged the progress of the committee under annual projections. Anything else? HARRY Cup of tea would be nice. Gosh that was boring. PETER rings a bell. MOLLY, a shabby servant girl appears. HARRY C�mon don�t wanna be waiting all my life. PUB - INTERIOR - NIGHT BLOKE BY BAR shrugs his shoulders. We focus in on the table occupied by RAB and JOCK. JOCK All my life has been lived by a strict code imposed by my father. Never did I have the chance to express myself or experience the things that let characters build and personality flourish. RAB Perhaps that�s why you�re so boring. JOCK It....you can�t understand the frustration that�s built up. I don�t want to look back in my last hours and realised I�ve wasted my innings, been isolated by what life can offer. Our dream of going around the world is coming true. JOCK produces a wad of notes. On the stage the continuing heroics of WALDOis going pretty much unnoticed. The �lion� is still around his neck. He pulls out a gun and shoots it. Fluff goes all over the stage. DORA takes out the tin that absolutely no one has put any money it. DORA Now Waldo will be injected with rabies. DORA pulls out a massive syringe and �injects� WALDO with it. WALDO falls down semi-convincingly until he falls on his knee and clutches it before falling over. General shots of the unmoved crowd. A man slaps someone on the back, he laughs. DORA My....he�s dead! A general pause before people start to cheer. DORA cups her ear. DORA But what�s this? It has to be the sound of Zulu�s who can dance a remedy. Their footsteps cure all known diseases. Loads of ZULU warriors enter onto the stage, dancing around WALDO. Cut to unmoved crowd. In the next shot the performer has made a magical recovery and is juggling while riding a unicycle. This is something he manages to sustain for a limited period of time before ending up on a heap in the floor. RAB I could do that - it�s easy! STREET - EXTERIOR - NIGHT MR RAT seems agitated as he preaches crime to BOB, JIM and RAB. MR RAT C�mon it�s easy! Let�s go over this one more time. A mugging is a simple procedure that can be broken down into several main stages. We cause a distraction...(points at BOB) you can do that. I�ll pick his pockets. Tam, you kick him in the bollocks...then we run away. Any questions? TAM (after some thought) What if it�s a girl? MR RAT ( groans in frustration, gives him a small package) Just hold this. In the distance we see a person walking down the street. MR RAT sees him too. MR RAT Let�s practice.....go on...cause a distraction. BOB I dunno what to say....I suppose I could just shout.... DISTANT VOICE Ay! This is a distraction! MR RAT gives a suspicious look and turns around to find himself being pick pocketed by MIKE, who kicks him in the nuts. MR RAT turns around hitting and flooring MIKE. He gets up and hugs MR RAT in a friendly mate kind of way. MIKE Just training up a few psychos. MR RAT YTS Psychos. It�s Mike. He taught me everything I know...armed robbery, bike ram raiding....muggings. (puts arm around Mike) He�s been on the top ten wanted list for the last 20 years, apart from when he kicked David Mellor in the shins, then he was top of the National hero league. Then he pushed his way up the criminal charts to number four, a spot he held for eight weeks. SUPERIMPOSED RED CAPTION: Dodgy pun alert. MR RAT He even made it on �On top of the cops�. Possibly the sound of a snare drum before the cast wait around, seeking critical acclaim for this moment that will horrify the Gods of comedy. MIKE Public enemy number two now...I�m in politics you see. You�d do well in it, walking around the local area boring people. MR RAT I�m in. Give that package to me Tam...you know... in your left hand. TAM looks really confused and has no idea what is going on. MR RAT Give it to me Tam. After a significant pause TAM kicks MR RAT in the bollocks. After the initial expression of shock and pain these emotions drain from his victims face and are replaced by pure rage. TAM starts to leg it. PUB - INTERIOR - NIGHT The WALDO act continues. WALDO (pulling arm from under jumper) .....and the arm just grows back. DORA And now WALDO will fight the deadly Cannibal Pete. TAM walks towards RAB and JOCK. Loads of people stop completely as the venue seems to freeze. Most of the people hide under the tables. A WAITRESS with a tray of drinks remains standing up but shuts her eyes. RAB spots this opportunity and drinks the contents of the tray before turning his attention to some nearby tables. He doesn�t drink them but drinks some of the drinks on them. RAB You can carry on now. TAM continues walking towards JOCK and RAB. This involves passing several tables in which ONE LINE (POSSIBLY SHODDY) ACTOR is. ONE LINE (POSSIBLY SHODDY) ACTOR Don�t eat me Pete! I�m poisonous. ONE LINE (POSSIBLY SHODDY) ACTOR bites his finger and pretends to suffer, dramatically, from indigestion. Keeling on the ground, squirming around. DORA (producing tacky prop) Pete�s not him.......it�s this cardboard cut out. ONE LINE (POSSIBLY SHODDY) ACTOR makes a dramatic recovery. Everyone returns to their previous positions. Some people turn their empty glasses (due to RABs intervention) upside-down. TAM completes his journey to RAB and JOCK. TAM I wanna get out of here! I�ll work free of charge........buy you a drink too. MR RAT enters and TAM dives under JOCK and RABs table. RAB shakes his hand in agreement. We then see MR RAT beating up WALDO. He throws him near the table, which RAB takes cover under with TAM and the conversation continues as mayhem surrounds them. RAB Nice time being a psycho? Learn much? TAM Yeah....loads. Shoplifting, mugging, media assault, ram raiding...... RAB Muggings, eh? STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY The pain is apparent on JOCKs face as he lies there clutching his testicles. RAB counts his handful of notes and TAM smiles. The camera pans up to the night sky - the night sky turns into day. Tilt down to where a lonesome JOCK is still seething in pain and clutching his nads. He is approached by a COPPER. COPPER Alright? JOCK (in visible pain) Been mugged. COPPER Crime�s everywhere nowadays. Good thing too else I�d be out of a job. There�s crime all over the United kingdom you know. Coppers too. A SIMILAR STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY CAPTION: Elsewhere in the United Kingdom. A MAN walks down the street. We see him get mugged in a kind of a kick in the nuts kind of way. Pull out to see we have been watching this from an upstairs window of a middle class house. GORDON pulls the curtain back and talks to his WIFE. MIDDLE CLASS HOUSE - INTERIOR - DAY GORDON Muggers nowadays. Didn�t even take the shoes. WIFE gives GORDON his briefcase. WIFE I can�t believe you�re going away again. Well...don�t miss the train this time. Don�t want you to have to stay the whole weekend again. GORDON Oh...don�t know why the bank couldn�t send anyone else really...but you know what the boss is like. WIFE (after much deliberation) Are you having an affair? GORDON (after much thought) Not with him, no. SIMILAR STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY GORDON walks out of his house and along the street where we have previously seen. GORDON stops walking way from the crippled MAN after a moment and pauses in thought. TRAIN - INTERIOR - DAY Close shot of GORDONs shoes recently acquired from MAN. Zoom out to see GORDON is sitting on the train. ANNA comes and joins him. ANNA Does you�re wife suspect?.....you know about us seeing each other. GORDON Um...no it�ll be OK. How about your boyfriend? ANNA I told you I haven�t got one. GORDON Sorry, must be thinking of Kelly. ANNA (after briefest of thoughts) Who�s Kelly? GORDON Er...Did you type that letter for me? ANNA Why did you think I�m your secretary? Because of my efficiency and typing or �cos of my heaving breasts? ANNA leans over exposing more cleavage, just for the lads in the audience and I dare say the odd lesbian. ANNA hands him the letter that we saw in the title sequence. KIM is a passenger sitting within earshot of the current conversation casually flicking the pages of a newspaper with her hooked hands (traditional pirate style). KIM looks nice in a sexual kind of way. KIM Gave me the job and I can�t type. Not since that Pirate offered to operate on my itchy knuckles. (sighs) If only I�d known. ANNA feels a little uncomfortable with her company for a second or two. Then the whistle goes nearby and the train starts to move. A LATE ARRIVER has got onto the train at the last possible minute. GORDON sees her and immediately starts to panic, hiding his face by grabbing KIMs newspaper and submerging his face in it while LATE ARRIVER passes. GORDON gingerly returns the paper. KIM hits GORDON. Another WOMAN stands in the aisle beside GORDON while he tries to explain to ANNA. GORDON I.....I owe her some money that�s all. ANNA nods in acknowledgement. ANNA (to WOMAN) You got a problem? WOMAN It�s just that he ran off before I had a chance to do this. WOMAN twists GORDONS ears, breaking bits off before storming away. ANNA Violent debt collector? GORDON Violent debt collector, yes. A GIRL is serving refreshments on the train. She progresses up the carriage. This is a relief for GORDON as the pressure is mounting and it offers a break in the conversation. GIRL reaches where GORDON and ANNA are seated. GIRL Tea anyone? GORDON sticks his hand up. ANNA does too. GIRL approaches them and is about to present the purchase to GORDON when she sees his face for the first time. GIRL pours tea all over GORDON and storms off. GORDON Er...old friend....well more of an enemy really. TICKET COLLECTOR makes his way up the middle of the train. He progresses up near GORDON doing his job of inspecting tickets. He sees GORDON and shouts.. TICKET COLLECTOR You broke my heart! He tears off leaving everyone in the carriage looking at GORDON who is visibly embarrassed when the train approaches a tunnel. ANNA I�m so looking forward to this weekend. GORDON So am I The train goes through the tunnel so all goes dark. After a moment we hear the sound of someone getting beaten up badly by several people. Someone revs up a chainsaw. UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE Calm down Patsy! The chainsaw stops. A few more beatings before we hear the scampering of feet up the corridor. When the train exits the tunnel things are pretty much as they were except that GORDON is beaten up badly. GORDON Yes, I�m looking forward to this too. He looks up to see LATE ARRIVER standing at the end of the carriage with a massive rocket launcher on her shoulder, pointed at GORDON. LATE ARRIVER Bugger! We see a shot from her perspective. Everyone in the carriage is looking at her, including some policemen. After a lot of thought LATE ARRIVER takes the device off her shoulder and starts to leave the carriage. LATE ARRIVER When�s the next tunnel? ANNA So...where are we sleeping tonight? The passenger of the carriage are familiar with the routine and join in the following dialogue, speaking the same words in similar momentum. At first just one or two but towards the end everyone is joining in, including a nearby dog. GORDON Hotel de Bristo. But they frown upon unmarried couples staying there so this involves the standard bribe...ugh!...I�m afraid I�ve lost my wallet.. You couldn�t help me out could you? Only the best for you my darling......(clearly guessing) Louise? YOUNG LADY walks past and throws GORDON�s briefcase out of the window. GORDON I..owe her a bag...I lost it...her bag...last summer. ANNA (firmly) Anna. My name�s Anna. An awkward moment as the train pulls up at the station. GORDON Here already. Time to go! GORDON goes to get his baggage and gets hit several times by various people in the process and also gets pushed over. GORDON leaves the train and ANNA is in shock. We see an innocent looking frail old LADY sitting by the door that GORDON has just exited. She tries to comfort the distressed ANNA. LADY Nevermind. It�s not as big as he say it is, you know. After a moment ANNA starts to cry. STREETS - EXTERIOR - DAY GORDON sets out over the streets of Glasgow. FEMALE clobbers him with her handbag. This happens several times as he tries to go to the hotel. A gathering of people are gathered for political reasons as MR RAT, who is clearly standing for MP by all the posters and banners, is delivering a speech. In the background GORDON is getting beaten senseless. MR RAT There just aren�t enough psychopaths around. No one even sticks their head in a bus shelter anymore! My party will put an end to all of that. It�s the media�s fault. I seek vengeance! At this point MR RAT attacks the photographers which are surrounding him. HOTEL RECEPTION - INTERIOR - DAY A beaten up GORDON arrives at the hotel reception and is greeted by a member of STAFF. STAFF What? You�re using the front door. And you�re alone! Where�s Mrs Smith. GORDON Look! I�m here for important business. Just stick this in the post will you? GORDON hands over the distinctive letter which ANNA typed for him. SOLICITORS OFFICE - INTERIOR - DAY JOCK, GORDON and TIM (a professional looking solicitor) are sitting around a table in the middle of the room. In the corner ASSISTANT scribbles on a pad. TIM We�re here to discover the final wishes of....the dying old man in scene one. It is a lengthy and complicated procedure...it�s more expensive that way...meaning it requires complete and undivided attention. JOCK�s thoughts I need to know what happened to the money. I need to know! PUB - INTERIOR - DAY RAB and TAM are showing signs of drunkenness. RAB So we�re decided. We�re gonna buy a ship and sail around the world looking for pubs ...because it�s what Jock would have wanted. TAM Ugh...yeah....Jocks dream is the most important thing. (slightly quieter) Now I can prove myself to those sailors who think I�m jinxed. RAB And I can get pissed! TAM Right then, let�s see about that sign . A notice by the bar says �for sale, ship, cheap, by the water�. RAB I�d rather see about that one. Beside the previous sign is a neighbouring one saying �Beer and other alcoholic beverages - free to a good home�. RAB Ah! his Dad was loaded anyway. He�s probably scooped a cash prize in that will. SOLICITORS OFFICE - INTERIOR - DAY JOCK looks excited. JOCK �20,000, �20,000! A �20,000 debt, does that mean I�m rich? A shot of the general amuse and bemusemant around the room. TIM A large sum of money must be collected by Jock..... JOCKs face lights up. Facial expression that is (not due to electrical implants) ....and given to Glasgow�s renowned psychopath, Mr Rat, to whom the debt is owed. Otherwise this Mr has the right to administer a savage attack when legs will be torn off and...... TIM takes a closer look at the document he�s holding and starts to read silently. We can�t hear him read. His facial expression changes to one of horror. ....He continues....don�t worry, there�s more than enough stored in the secret location.... Relief on the face of JOCK. He crosses his fingers. .........the cake tin! JOCK Shit! Everyone looks at him. A pause before TIM continues. TIM This is Gordon.....he represents a bank in which your father invested in. He came a long way to be here so it must be important....millions perhaps. GORDON I�m afraid ...the details of the financial transaction may be a little sketchy....I parted company with my briefcase on my journey. Your father opened a high interest account many years ago. As you can imagine the interest on...even the smallest capital would conspire to form a substantial amount. However this is irrelevant as he didn�t put any money in, so it�s my duty to present you with this check for nothing. For a moment everyone in the room looks confused. JOCK looks absolutely gutted. TIM Well...what you doing here then? GORDON My boss sent me...you see...when I�m gone he sneaks into my house and screws my daughter. TIM Well...why do you think I sent my assistant on that three week training course? ASSISTANT, who�s scribbling in the corner, jolts in shock, breaking the bib of his pencil. TIM The rest of the wishes are pretty standard. He wants you to become a Nun, you�re adopted...that kind of thing. The mole repellent goes to Ruth... RUTH, who is covered in garden moles, gives a wide smile. Despite a brief shot of the ongoing struggle, JOCK is sitting there looking downbeat. TIM tries to comfort him...although not very hard. TIM I�m sure that psycho won�t mind. He�s gotto be reasonable. Actually....I dunno, he�s a politician now. No (holding back tears of laughter).....trust me, everything is gonna be fine. TIM finally bursts out laughing. HOSPITAL - INTERIOR - DAY We see the mummified and crippled sight of JOCK lying on a bed in the ward that contains other PATIENTS. RAB and TAM enter the place. TAM holding some TAM holding some haggard, shaggy flowers which he shapes to give to JOCK. JOCK Wrong bed, Tam. TAM goes to the next bed which contains SOMEONE who�s bandaged up so much he can�t talk despite trying. A muffled moan is the limitations of his oral output as TAM offers him some flowers. SOMEONE couldn�t accept them if he wanted to as he�s got two broken arms and only two arms. TAM notices this too. TAM I�ll put them in some water. TAM puts them a container by the bed. We move back to JOCK�s bed. RAB You alright? Look, Me and Tam have been doing some thinking and we think you should pay that man his money. JOCK (frustrated/terrified) I haven�t got the money! RAB Well...we could rob a bank.....or ask them for a loan. JOCK If I was to get a loan...I�d still be in debt. TAM arrives at the bedside, fresh from disturbing SOMEONE. TAM You may get a nasty letter that�s all, but I heard a story about someone who didn�t pay up. He ripped off his... We pan away from the detailed account of slaughter at the hands of MR RAT to the nearby bed, previously disturbed by TAM. DOCTOR Now let�s take a look at this urine sample. DOCTOR takes a look at the container with the flowers in it. DOCTOR Hmm...unusual.....some kind of pesticide living in the body.....I recommend a course of injections ..of....er...weed killer. SOMEONE vigorously tries to protest about the treatment but the tight bandaging prevents this. Pan back over to JOCK�s bed where TAM is continuing his speech to a disgusted TAM ......and even the barbed wire got piles! RAB throws up in another PATIENTs sample. DOCTOR picks it up. BANK - INTERIOR - DAY A professional looking GORDON is seated at a desk near a safe. JOCK, TAM and RAB are the opposite side of the desk. JOCK We�d like a bankloan please. GORDON I�m sorry... we�re right out of cash. RAB You can�t have a bank without any money. GORDON Not so...we�re skint. TAM Well....what�s in the safe? GORDON Air mainly...we�re broke! A fairly long pause follows. Then a masked raider MR RAT breaks into the office. JOCK instantly dives behind the desk, cowering in fear. MR RAT Right, hand over the cash. TAM He said their isn�t any. MR RAT (pointing gun at GORDON) What? What kind of bank is this? RAB (unhelpfully) A...bankrupt one. MR RAT Just give me the money. Hang on (referring to GORDON) I�m sure I�ve seen you before. You slept with my wife ....and you (he looks at TAM) kicked me in the bollocks. JOCK (standing up) Thank God he didn�t see me.......shit! STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY Mixed shots of GORDON, TAM , JOCK and RAB running away from MR RAT, who is soon followed by JIM and BOB. Mixed shots until MR RAT stops abruptly. MR RAT Look! Celtic fans! MR RAT leads his followers in another direction. GORDON, TAM , JOCK and RAB are oblivious to this and continue running. SHIP - INTERIOR - DAY Fresh from their pursuit GORDON, TAM , JOCK and RAB run into the interior of the ship and fasten the door firmly behind them, familiarising themselves with their environment. The interior of the ship is filled with beer. TAM Did you spend the...rest of the money on beer..? RAB Ah no. The beer was free. Blew that lot on the Vodka....and the captain I hired. Out of the shadows steps CAPTAIN PISSHEAD. A rough seawise figure. He�s holding a Vodka bottle...and it�s empty! CAPTAIN PISSHEAD (slurred speech) Hello. Captain Pissheads the name. JOCK With a crew like this everything will just be fine. GORDON I�ll write my will. Cut to GORDON writing against a wooden panelled background. We pull out to see that it is not the interior of the ship as we originally imagined, but a piece of debris floating on the sea. OPEN SEA - EXTERIOR - DAY Wooden debris is supporting GORDON, TAM , JOCK, RAB and CAPTAIN PISSHEAD. JOCK is leaning over him in a nursing type pose. RAB holds his hand in a hitch hikers position. A modern speed boat with a water-skier roars past, causing many waves and water disturbances. TAM falls into the sea. RAB How is he Jock? JOCK Not too good...I think he�s dying. CAPTAIN PISSHEAD My final wishes are that Captain Pisshead should not be remembered by the simplified..but accurate name but for the content of my....oh sod this. CAPTAIN PISSHEAD�s head subsides, indicating death. CAPTAIN PISSHEAD Stupid film anyway....didn�t get any good lines. RAB Now there�s just the four of us. JOCK ( after some time counting) Hang on, where�s Tam? GORDON Overboard. Maybe our luck will change. JOCK A good friend is dying and you...you... GORDON Ah, C�mon. We all know he�s jinxed. Our luck will change. RAB (pointing to distance) Look! Glorious music as the characters feast their eyes on a distinctive ship in the distance. Upon the vessel is clearly engraved the name Anne- Marie. RAB (exited) The Anne- Marie! That�s the boat Tam lost......he...he said it was carrying a cargo of gold bullion. JOCK We�re all rich! GORDON See - our fate is definitely linked to the presence of Tam. Tam surfaces. For a moment it seems the problems of the long suffering adventures are permanently solved. A brief celebration then everyone expects something to go wrong. A moments pause before the Anne-Marie explodes scattering golden debris on them. JOCK Actually, there might be something in that theory of yours. RAB How did you survive under there for that long? TAM Well I had some help from an old friend. DOUG surfaces. He is mysterious, haggard man. DOUG Hi. I�m Doug, the most knowledgeable person in the film. Gordon your wife knows about Amy, Anna, Helen, Susan but not Shelly. Rab I know I�m getting paid more than you. RAB Bloody actors unions. RAB hits DOUG, who falls into the water. RAB You didn�t know I was gonna do that, did you? DOUG On the contrary - I�ve prepared my retaliation. DOUG makes a sweeping gesture and RAB is the target of a mild attack from pikes which leap from the sea. An seagull lands on his head and Octopus clings to his face. DOUG waits patiently with a smug smile. Then he whistles. The shipping debris RAB is supporting his buoyancy with begins to show signs of movement from below. There is a pause before RAB is gobbled up by a massive sea monster and spat out a few seconds later. DOUG Well..I�m here to start the emergence of a plot. GORDON, TAM , JOCK and RAB look completely shocked. GORDON There�s a plot? Was this in the contract? DOUG Small print, eh? I know of Jock�s brother...well I think so. There�s someone who looks just like him towards the end of the production. TAM That�s just down to the shortage of actors...they�ve even got me doing my own washing. DOUG Well...It could be him...in a kind of brotherly plot way. RAB You don�t know that much at all. DOUG Well....no. I�m only the most knowledgeable person because...everyone else involved in this is thick. But I�m not, I�m out of here. I know who you�re going to get rescued by in a minute. A fade to indicate time has passed. The sea stranded characters are approached by A mysterious vessel which draws up alongside the floating wreckage. They climb aboard in the absence of any other real alternative. DECK - EXTERIOR - DAY. On the misty deck of the mysterious vessel nothing happens for a second or two as the tension mounts and mist slowly starts to disperse. A distant scream is heard. This is followed by a second scream, much closer. The mist clears and multiple screaming can be heard. The mystery is revealed and atmosphere relaxes once they are surrounded by 50 screaming children wearing sailors uniforms. Then there is CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES, who looks blatantly like Captain Birdseye. JOCK (to CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES) I�ve seen you on Tele. Your the fish related munchies man. Feeding all those children. You must be top friendly. TAM shakes his head. CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES Bollocks am I. Lock �em up. They are taken to a secure place below deck, escorted by armed sailor children... ...armed with forks with fish fingers on the end. They point them towards their captives who wisely do not go near them. By using this method to coax the into a secure location. SECURE LOCATION BELOW DECK - INTERIOR - DAY GORDON Tam...is there anyone you don�t know? TAM Well..I suppose I have quite a wide circle...know Santa Claws for instance. Drives like a maniac. Almost killed me three times. Owes me so many favours...if ever I�m in trouble I just give him the signal and he�ll come and save me....swear at me at least. RAB If you�re so knowledgeable....how do we get out of here? TAM Oh, the secret exit from here is....in that chest. TAM is referring to a chest on the floor. RAB approaches it, enters and finds himself in a strange, new world. STRANGE NEW WORLD - INTERIOR - DAY A dark corridor. RAB lights up a match and reads the following inscription that is calved in the wall. �You are approaching a place of grave danger. It is another world and is ruled by the ruthless Bixhem people who show no mercy for those who tread beyond this point.� RAB moves the match down to uncover further inscriptions. �Hello again� it reads � You could die here you know. It�s wriggled with traps and smells awful. Those bixhem people are completely insane and will disembowel anyone who dares to venture any further�. RABs match goes out. He lights another one which lights a further inscription, �entry fee �2.50�. RAB scrounges around for his wallet. Once some money has been inserted into the vending machine standing machine style slot nothing happens. Another moment when nothing happens follows - exciting! RAB punches the vending machine style slot and kicks the area below it. A trapdoor opens which RAB falls through. He slides down the a tube which deposits him in a candle lit cavern. Mysterious chanting is heard as RAB pushes his way along the pillars of the cavern. The chanting gets louder and intensifies as RAB approaches. On the wall there are loads of hyraglifics that look like ears. RAB This is eary. RAB turns the corner and we see writing on the wall saying �severely dodgy pun�. He turns another corner and sees the source of the chanting for the first time. Several people in black robes are making a sacrifice, sacrificing a big Mac. The chanting changes as they ask their God whether he would like a milkshake and fries. RAB steps into their view. They look at each other for a second or two. RAB looks back. At exactly the same moment the silent conflict is ended. RAB decides to run away at the moment they decide to chase. They pursue RAB around a mysterious Indiana Jones style world of adventure including zip lines, booby traps, mysterious caverns etc. After a while, or when the production company is about to run out of money for special effects, RAB comes to a mine shaft with two parallel rail tracks with carts at the ready. Beside it is a huge vending machine marked �travel sickness pills�. RAB grapes it before getting in a cart and pushing it down the rails. His pursuers are soon to follow in the cart on a parallel track. Mixed shots of the epic chase along the poorly lit winding tunnels. Occasionally the tracks cross, meaning the carts come close to collision. Eventually the tracks come to their end and a mysterious cavern and are buffered by piles of obstructive rocks. RABs cart crashes into them and the airbag softening the blow. Close up of RABs wallet on the dusty floor which he has lost in this incident. RAB stumbles down a musty passageway. GIGANTIC POOLROOM - INTERIOR - DAY Two GIANTS are playing pool. One of them pots a ball. STRANGE NEW WORLD - INTERIOR - DAY RAB softly jogs down the passageway, when behind him we hear a rumble. He turns around and sees a giant pool ball behind him, rolling down the passageway Indiana Jones style. RAB really starts to leg it. SECURE PLACE BELOW DECK - INTERIOR - DAY RAB leaps out of the chest. He shakes with fear and slams the lid down and fastens it. He pushes himself over the other side of the chamber and folds up in fear. RAB I�m aint ever going in there again. RAB feels his pockets. TAM You forgot your wallet Rab...Rab? We see RABs legs sticking out of the chest. JOCK Tam. You know everyone. Who�s that Doug then? TAM Oh...he used to be the old man of the sea. He lives anywhere where there�s water. That�s why I don�t wash anymore. BRIDGE OF SHIP - INTERIOR - DAY CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES is steering with MR NOBODY beside him. MR NOBODY is a traditional little apprentice person looking through a telescope. MR NOBODY (excited) Ship Ahoy! Ship Ahoy! There�s a ship ahoy! CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES It�s OK. There�s no need to make a song and dance about it. There follows a song and dance routine from members of the crew. The song goes along the lines of �ship ahoy, ship ahoy, there�s a ship ahoy�. CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES Bloody dancing! Not again. DECK - EXTERIOR - DAY RAB emerges from the cupboard on the deck. He looks worse for wear due to his recent encounter with the strange world. Possibly evidence of his encounters could be on his person (e.g. Arrows sticking out of his spine and rubble in his pants). He looks in his wallet which he went through so much to retrieve. RAB Ah! It�s empty. RAB gets caught in the dance routine. �Ship, ahoy, ship ahoy, starboard bow, ship ahoy� etc.�. The song ends with a powerful climax. RAB Hang on. You trying to say there�s a ship ahoy? MR NOBODY Er.... yes. RAB grabs the telescope from MR NOBODY and puts it to his eye. We see from his viewpoint an image of a pirate ship. RAB Captain! Captain! It�s a pirate ship. CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES Kids nowadays. Copying videos. RAB No you don�t get it. You just don�t get it! CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES No I don�t. I mean why don�t they just go to the video store like everyone else? RAB No, these are fierce pirates, armed to the teeth. CAPTAIN FISH RELATED MUNCHIES Don�t like their dentists eh? (calling to distant vessel) want some fishfingers? RAB shakes his head and runs to the place where the others are being held captive. On his way he runs past a lifeboat and stops to look at it for a moment. SECURE LOCATION BELOW DECK - INTERIOR - DAY RAB bursts in. RAB Pirates! Let�s get out of here! JOCK So...they copy the odd video. RAB No you don�t understand these are vicious sea rogues. They aren�t from Legoland. They�re real, scary pirates! We see TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON launching the aforementioned lifeboat, rowing from the FISH RELATED MUNCHIE vessel. The camera pans across the vessel to view the pirate ship drawing up alongside it. Out steps CAPTAIN JOLLY ROGER, a giant pirate Lego man. CAPTAIN JOLLY ROGER We need all your sun cream else we�ll melt. OPEN SEA - EXTERIOR - DAY The lifesize Lego pirate ship floats past the small lifeboat containing TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON. They look worse for wear, tired and hungry. GORDON Not a morsel of food. We can�t survive. TAM I saw this film once when there was this wagon train and winter fell like an icy hand. They decided to survive and had no food. In the end they all died. Dissolve to mixed shots of them being stranded in the middle of the sea. After a little while DOUG appears and manages to clamber aboard. TAM Alright Doug...any news on the plot? DOUG It�s all about your brother Harry, Jock. He ran away with your Mum many years ago...sounds dodgy. That happened when you were little, took your Dads savings to build a business empire making....things. Your Mum Clara owned most of the shares...the company basically..and well let�s explain this visually. CLARA�s BEDROOM - INTERIOR - DAY PETER is kneeling beside the bed containing a frail looking CLARA holding a scroll and a pen. CLARA I leave my scalextric to Eddie Irvine, dog to the zoo. Pele can have that football. PETER That�s OK...er...what about the shares? CLARA (after a moment of thought) I leave my shares to my favourite son. CLARA leans over to scribble on the document. HARRYs LIVING ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY A fairly formal gathering of friends and hangers on. They are engaged in general conversation. MOLLY approaches HARRY with the distinctive envelope. HARRY takes it before PETER approaches the room, bursts in with the will. HARRY puts the letter on the mantelpiece. PETER Upon death Clara will leave her catapult to Steve... DENNIS THE MENACE punches the wall with frustration. ...her false teeth to jaws, arms to Israel...and the bananas to Jo. JO, a well trained monkey, thumps her chest in celebration before rampaging around the room. An ISRAELI citizen forces his way through, holding a box full of fake arms. PETER continues. PETER And the shares to her son. HARRY (excited) That�s me! OPEN SEA - EXTERIOR - DAY DOUG So, just to explain it to all the thick Americans in the audience, she actually left them to you Jock. When she dies you should control the company. But Harry and his sidekick don�t want this to happen....for some reason. Good luck at the box office. DOUG jumps overboard and starts to swim away. SUPERIMPOSED MAP - ILLUSTRATED GRAPHIC The map charts the progress of the vessel so far. The rowing boat is clearly marked travelling in a straight line along the channel. VOICE OVER With the nearest chippy 20 miles away, the situation seemed dire for the crew. Although they did now seem to know what they were meant to be doing, the downward spiral of events continued when Tam snapped the rudder. The clearly marked boat starts to waver off it�s straight course and goes around in circles. VOICE OVER Then someone stole the map. The map we are seeing gets folded up by massive hands. VOICE OVER So they couldn�t see a massive boat when it came. OPEN SEA - EXTERIOR - DAY Close up shot of the lifeboat. Pull out to see it is being totally overshadowed by a massive vessel sailing directly towards the liferaft on collision course. Contact is made and TAM, JOCK, RAB and GORDON have no chance and fall into the sea. In the next shot an inflatable liferaft is lowered on a winch from the side of the boat. GORDON swims below it, eager to be rescued. Predictably the rope holding the raft breaks while GORDON is below. The raft goes hurtling down and by some physical magic GORDON�s head goes through the bottom of the raft. The raft gets caught in an unusual gust of wind, both GORDON and the raft fly through the air. They bounce of the water several times as we see land approaching. They approaching land even, bouncing towards the shoreline. A SEA DIVER surfaces with his hands full of riches. SEA DIVER I got them Dave, I finally got them. Rather predictably GORDON�s liferaft lands nearby, the disturbance created causing SEA DIVER to drop his catch. He submerges again. On the beach a sandcastle competition is taking place. A SMALL GIRL is being presented with a prize near a marvellous sandcastle. A small audience applaud. We see GORDON�s liferaft bounce into view. Cut to shot of GORDON trying to alter the course of the unrealistic transport. He succeeds as the raft bounces yard away from the masterpiece and into the distance. A WOMAN eager to see more of the strange transportation steps back, treading on the award winning sand construction. LITTLE GIRL sobs to her MOTHER. OUTSIDE SWIMMING POOL - DAY An INSPECTOR stands on a makeshift platform and addresses a crowd which has gathered beside the pool. INSPECTOR It gives me great pleasure to announce, after years of effort, this swimming pool meets the demands of inspection and can finally....er..be swum in. This is all due to the tireless efforts of one man. ONE MAN proudly comes to the platform. Cut to shot showing the advancing GORDON bouncing to land on his raft. INSPECTOR I know you�ve been working towards this for so long. And I�m so impressed with the facilities that I�ve e decided my own offspring should swim here. A small audience applaud as a certificate is about to be presented. This is moments before GORDONs unusual transportation lands on the pool, splashing water everywhere. INSPECTOR (ripping up certificate) I�ve just changed my mind. General disgust is expressed from the small audience who throw things at GORDON. ONE MAN goes off his nut. He grabs a nearby hose and viciously sprays everyone with a fierce jet of water while shouting obscenities. He turns his attentions to INSPECTOR who ends up being drenched. Things eventually settle down. INSPECTOR (producing real document) Only joking. PAUSE as all attention is focused on ONE MAN. ONE MAN (hiding hose behind his back) Er...so was I. The atmosphere relaxes as GORDON climbs out of the pool. GORDON Where am I? MR GOAT Calais de France. |