CHAPTER ONE: 1 It was like finding termites on the brow of Jesus. George fell to his knees, dropping wallpaper on the otherwise pristine fitted carpet. A shrill old cackle came from the hall, chilling every sound wave it endured. Mavis had arrived. 2 Mavis speared a bony finger at George. �Come� she said �I need your soul�. George�s eyes tear away from their point of fixation. The words plop out of his mouth, breaking through a trance. A fire of inquisition erupted into a lone question. �Why does God�have pornography?� Bullets of sweat drain from his head. Mavis looks up and sniggers. 3 �It was put there by the last decorators� Mavis explained �You know�us�. Realisation dawned on George�s face. A smile failed to contain itself. �Stupid bastard ought to do his own wallpapering� Mavis reflected, sloshing more paste over the cracked surface. �Upper classes, eh?� 4 �Mavis - Why do you want my soul?� �I�ve ran out of panini world cup stickers� she grinned broadly. He fell off the steps banging his head, blunting his brain further to a stump. Mavis howled with jagged laughter - a chandelier swung with muted violence; a picture seemed to shuffle across the wall to avoid its power. Everything seemed to relax when it receded. George�s arms craned his upper body to a slouch. Some of his colour melted away. �Souls�but �it�s dangerous! There�s powerful collectors�the Devil� God�the Chinese Mafia�� �Are we gonna get this job done tonight?� Mavis snapped �I got the souls to collect�. CHAPTER TWO 1 George struggled to find the remote control. It was somewhere, but he couldn�t see a television so it wasn�t worth looking. One was in his hand, encased in a nugget of hardened paste, but he didn�t notice. He passed some time admiring the current colour scheme in his flat. �Fine�fine job� he thought slowly. �Should I do it again?� He drifted back to earlier in the day, the brush against the paper�lining up the patterns. The daydreaming exploded into streaks of horror. An airbubble stood bold and true. Airbubble? Never in all the generations stretching back, proudly carrying the baton of trade secrets down his family bloodline. Never had they been so secure before the time of George � he had forgotten them. 2 Mavis collected souls deep into the night. When the long evening settled into morning she had four, which she stuck in a book. None were much good, these were stale and flat like old pop. Vibrant were the most prized souls. The people that wanted to live, that were uncrushed by depression. 3 The square blob on the other side of the wall goaded him. Every glance tugged him further towards a pit of despair. He stole a look every few seconds, ruing what was there. �I�ve wallpapered over the television� he gasped, and a rock hit his inner pride. 4 �Give us your soul!� cried the lumped figured Mavis, her eyes sunken beneath the rim of her hat. �Give us your soul!� Passerbys quickened their pace along the street. �I�ll look after you forever� her voice wavered in unconvincing tones. �Keep and never destroy. There are two paths to eternity, but people die before they get there.� A Doctor lurked nearby, moving strangely. �You alright?� he asked, waving a handsignal behind him. Somewhere nearby, a car engine prowled into action. 5 �I�ve wallpapered the settee as well!� George clutched his head in disbelief. He shook it hard, trying to dislodge his mental agony. A bellow of distress smoked in the chambers of his lungs. It was released like a demon into the world. After a series of light, steadying face slaps the redecorating started. 6 A shiver of fear struck Mavis� nose, making her brain rattle. Her wolf like eyes widened and fixed on the black car cutting effortlessly through a shoal of pedestrians. In an instant the future uncoiled before her. Her body squeezed aside all reasoning, leaving the solid bones of instinct. All thoughts of souls faded. Her jaw hung open dumbly for a spilt second before closing itself with a soft pop. How had they found her so fast? 7 �That�s better�. George relaxed, his paste splattered clothes sticking to the shabby settee. The television now revealed itself. Sitting proud with the wallpaper behind it. Somehow it looked sad, lifeless. A glossy pane to a dull world. �Aah�it�s off� he concluded, dozily. Now where�s the remote? 8 The car skidded rails of rubber across road and pavement. The doors flung open. Three boxy Chinese enforcers jumped out. Evil glares stamped on their faces. Mavis grabbed her small and unpleasant bundle of belongings and pounded down an alley. Her body pumping like a rusty steam engine. 9 �Aaah!� Hard pockets of wallpaper hung from the ceiling like mutated stalactites. Squinting, he made out the shapes. One was a square oblong, possibly a phone. Another quite clearly a houseplant and yes, as he feared, the remote. He sighed and tried to get up. The seat resisted his movements, clinging to him in a tangle of fibre and wallpaper paste. He was tugged down then gave up the struggle landing clumsily. From somewhere on his body fell an object to the floor; a remote control. 10 �Small time collector� the Doctor assessed �Maybe seven or eight. They�ll be in the bag�. The three hired enforces took long, ungraceful strides to the mouth of the alley. She was in their sights. 11 Mavis lobbed her bag of souls over the garden fence; her head snatched a view at the ferocious waddling of her pursuers, locking on longer than intended. Her body filled with terror as three plump machines of death advanced towards her. The fence bent as she forced herself over, dropping heavily to the other side. 12 George was confused. He gazed through the thinly masked minefield of objects in the ceiling. His old remote blinked, transmitting useless instructions to an obscure corner of the room. The houseplant seemed to sigh and the phone rang hollow, distant tones in his imagination. He picked up the foreign remote. The workings of his brain twitched and strained, resisted, then cracked, like putting pressure on twigs. �I must have picked it up from God�s house� the thought composed itself then drifted away. Blankness as the next shades of thinking formed, grey at first, then blunt focus. �It must be his remote control�. He turned it over slowly and lines of realisation drew themselves on his face. �My God�he�s�got cable� CHAPTER THREE 1 �Nice wallpapering� God commented, passing through the rooms of his house. �What was his name again? George? Well...I�ll see to him, maybe he�ll die just a couple of yards away from eternity, the others will be miles away�apart from the girl who did the kitchen�nice job�. �God�do you exist?.�no offence, but you just seem like a whacko� said the bravest butler in the world. �er�you�re fired� said his boss �Righto� said the butler, before realising what this meant ��shit� �Oh erm�before you go� God continued �you haven�t seen the remote have you?� The former butler shrugs unprofessionally, loosening his tie. His voice now gruff and unpolished. �The one for the stereo or the other�key to eternity thing?� �Not the stereo�the other one� God gazed around the room. �You were daft making it into a remote. Why�d you do that - Wacko?� God huffed. �Can�t be arsed to go all the way to the set� he said, truthfully. The former butler clomped towards the exit, then hesitated. �er can I have my soul back?� �No�I collect them� said the Wacko. �Fine� he sarcasted �I�m sure I�ll find another one� 2 �You gotto help me� Mavis flustered �there�s three men�I think they want my souls� The stranger stopped calmly. His head jerked back. Green puke overflowed from his mouth, dripping from his body like snotty lava. His face crumpled and stretched, the features distorting in a twist of melting flesh. Clothes tore, skin buckled and broke. Both hanged off the body like worn rags. Two short horns broke through the summit the hat and a terrible creature stood boldly in a pool of frothy blood. Mavis shuddered with fear as the fire-glazed eyes of the Devil confronted her. �Don�t take my souls!� she cried timidly. �Souls? I�m bored of them� he shrugged �I�ve started to collect panini stickers� 3 George aimed the remote at the television and fired, once with his thumb. It flashed into life. 4 The Devil�s ears pricked. �There�s an opening, one, which God himself must have charged. I will take you to the place beyond death. The fee is your soul �� he hesitated �� don't know if it is anymore�� �How about�Mexico 86 and football 88?� Mavis bargained. The Devil tossed the offer around the chambers of his brain. �They complete?� he considered. �As complete as the self made tyranny mankind hangs itself from�� Mavis assured him �honest�they�ve got the reflective team stickers and everything� �Then �tis done� Devil retorted. �But if Peter Shilton isn�t in the Mexico 86 album I�ll be annoyed� He shot a firey glance. It broke into a wild smile that was just as terrifying. �Now�to your friend. And the mysteries that await.� He stepped out of the sludge of his guts and flesh. �I�ll clear this up afterwards�. 5 �The gate� the Doctor called �use the gate!� The mounds of Mafia flab turned around, amazed of this lightening bolt of wisdom. With the fence gate barged open, the chase was on. 6 They couldn�t fit through, pretty soon it was called off. �You�re shit, aren�t you?� Doctor assessed �Complete bollocks�. CHAPTER FOUR 1 George could see further than the eye of the sun. The galaxy stretched before him, a lush blanket of woven stars. The depths of Gods inner thoughts lay unravelled, in it, the corridors leading to eternity. �This is dull� he thought, then watched The Bill on UK Gold. 2 A knock. A phone fell from the ceiling. George winced at the hole it tore away and waded towards the door. The other side was a hounding sight. He hadn�t painted it in years, being an interior decorator. Another knock; the houseplant crashed to the carpet. He�d better open the door before the phone rang and he had to answer it. 3 Mavis and Devil barged in. Devil seized the remote and the picture changed. He stared into the new image, his eyes dancing wildly. �Hey�I was watching that� George protested. Then became transfixed on the spell of eternity laying beyond the maze of the abyss. They shuffled forwards. 4 The Devil wove them through glowing corridors. Charred skeletons lay in tortured lumps. The remote carved passageways through walls, its forcefield dumbed traps. It pointed the right way at the T-junction. They raced forward, a rush of white emotion spread through their bodies, cleansing all it touched. From the brink of the abyss they stared into eternity. 5 �Shit� said God �I�ve lost the stereo remote as well!� 6 Light bathed their bodies, burning new channels, mining untold wisdom into their minds. Swarming greedily towards the mental roots, electrifying flabby wastes. Devil clicked his fingers and a sheet of darkness fell. After exposure at such light, it was as if the blanket of death had fallen. Eternal brightness buzzed behind, but they were staring into a barrier of evil. At first, Mavis thought the Devil had brought them to death, but then she realised he just wanted the sticker albums. Soon it was done. At the sight of Shilton the Devil stepped back in awe. The light was released. Its glare of everlasting vitality came forward, calling to them. A deftly harmonic tone was mixed with the distant, echoing theme tune of the Bill. Mavis and George looked into the swirling mists, then at each other. Taking each other�s arms, they stepped forward into its depths, where many could exist forever. 7 �This is boring� said George �let�s go back�. |