Glastonbury weekend. Been a quiet week. Today and yeserday I�ve sat around and thought. Relaxed and contemplated. Most of my friends have gone home.
Wednesday was a ten hour drinking session which ended up in me not being invited to Sals. Some bullshit about looking at Debbie. Deep rant to Helen on the way home. I suppose it started off the void of deep thoughts. Deep + pleasent.
Thursday was spent mainly in bed and recovering and throwing up. I take a picture of it.
I cannot remember what I got up to Thursday night. But Friday was spent in Jaz�s lesson and on internet. Find some highly amusing religious rants. Sport is pointless. We should spend the time repenting our sins. It�s becoming too much so I decide to ease off the old religious stuff for a while. Went for a walk and stumbled across a Kiddies disco in a pub.
Gaze mesmodically at the green flashing lights and run around. Enjoyued myself but wouldn�t want to do it every night - it�d be boring.
Yeserday (Sat)
Orbital at glastonbury. Sit around listening to music all day. Nipped to housing office, shut so old mill lane library to copy over some MyWork folder over. Exciting life!
Sit next to a special needy type person on the internet and he has no idea. Mumbles, cannot hold the mouse and ends up with mysterious images on his screen. I really feel sorry for him as I casually flick through a beatles website. I point him in the right direction a couple of times but it�s way beyond my expertise.
It took him ages to log on because his password was �this is to confirm that (his name) of Denwood Park Rotterham was born on the (birthday).
Emotion runs through my head as I consider how lucky I am.
I tried to write some stuff but confidence is flagging.
One of the most eventful moments of an uneventful day happened when I was sleeping. I started to have a dream. I begin to slide into the dream mentality as it took the form of a film. A pointless chase sequence that I enjoyed completely. At one point the conciouss part of my mind said �I hope my film (MIHK) is as good as this�. Before it�s conclusion I woke up and realised this is where most of the challenge lies. In making thoughts into images. That�s partly why I�m doubting myself and riddled with artistic uncertainty at the moment. It�s just words, clean and typed. The same mind that thought up this stupid dream thought up that stupid script, with the chase sequence at the end. Surely this is worth the pain and rejection. When it happens it will feel good. That�s if I see it, can�t take anything for granted. This morning I almost got ran over by a van.
Sunday 4th July 1999
Sit on a wheely bin in the back garden (yard) in Farrar st. For me - life is just begining. I�m aware of this fact. My limited tenancy on this planet is still in it�s prime. Sit and gaze at the wonderousness of everything. My feet dangling and banging on the bin. I�m alone, my mind is empty. My pen holding hand wiggles to make strange shapes that can be interpreted and understood. A feint voice of a baby cries.
I�ve done this quite a lot lately. Sit in silence, go for walks contemplate somewhat. I suppose it all started off by sitting in that field a couple of months ago. It�s better to sit in the fresh air than shout at people, do some writing or be confirmed to the mechanisms of our society.
One day I�ll be gone. Fraser Campbell will be no more. A hole in the ground opens. I will fill it. Religion, philosophy we only have one window to the world and that is our senses. Poke the wall with my pen. A strimmer goes off in the background and a noisey motorbike glugs past. The warm glow of the sunshine defines sharp shadows, rectangular. The clothesline sways in the wind.
Life seems irrelevant. Some day I�ll die.
I hope it isn�t soon and I hope I will sample what life has to offer. I must look strange sitting here but I am contempt.
Perhaps I�m a bit of a dreamer. Philosophal in my young age. Someone shouts to break the harmony, but with a gust of wind some of the presence remains. Tim Henman went out at Wimbledon.
I don�t know how people percieve me. I know how I feel.
Tuesday 6th July
The times they are a-changing. All around me and in my absence things have grown and died. I feel that I am static from the blurred world flowing around my face. People move on. I am frozen. Progression is my middle name - and Lawrence. How illfitting it is.
Around me, people seem to be laying down the foundations of their lives. Relationships, jobs careers. I stand motionless, locked in a childish transe.
Scotts playstation packed up and, in Neighbours Hannah has a new hairdo. The winds of change are more than subtle breeze.
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