| 18.55 nov 13 00 (Monday) 1 EXT � DESERT VALLEY � DAY ALISER rides through desolate valley, awkwardly on his horse. He is dressed in a cowboy outfit and also boasts a wide collar and a golden medallion around his hairy chest. He wipes his brow that has gathered pools of sweat from the fading sun. He approaches a roadsign with a picture of a disco ball on it. His horse instinctively rears to a halt, as if it can sense danger. ALISTER takes a deep breath and kicks his horse. They step over the boarder. Further down the track ALISTER discovers the burnt out remains of a brightly painted Volkswagen van, lying on its belly beside the faintly sketched roadway. Debris is scattered in the area. A headband, a hair extension and a sergeant peppers lonely hearts club band LP lie smouldering on the floor. ALISTERS eyes bubble with tears as the wisps of smoke curl towards the baking sunlight. He takes a good look around, scanning the barren valley. There is no movement. From the left side of the horse, he produces a shovel. CUT TO: 2 EXT � DESERT VALLEY - DUSK ALISTERs silhouette is cast against the setting sun as he digs with a swooping manly action. He wipes his brow and steps back, pauses to look at his work. Respectfully he places the LP in the hole over the shadowed remains of brightly dressed, long hairy, dead people. Then starts to cover the remains after taking a good look around the empty valley. He places above the makeshift cross made out of splinters of wood the headband woven around the top. He salutes a relaxed signal of honour to the makeshift memorial. ALISTER takes one last puff off his rolled cigarette, then lays it down respectfully. He mounts his horse that clatters into motion, jerking like a robot. He arrives at a small western town, Gringo. CUT TO: 3 EXT - GRINGO - NIGHT Gringo is a small, dusty town. Wooden structures are piled against the moonlight. Outside these constructions are often boards which host citizens in similar dress, with shotguns. One has a GUY in a shiny silver body suit dancing to a disco playing jukebox next to revolving mirror ball. GUYS WIFE, in more traditional wild west costume, looks at her feet, embarrassment flushing through her face. ALISTER rides past on his jerky horse, almost throwing him off balance a couple of times. He approaches a saloon, tethering his horse outside. ALISTER tips his cowboy hat to the sleeping guardsman, DOUG MC SALAD who is mumbling incoherently and holding a shotgun and a hot-dog - it�s tomato sauce slowly creeping towards the wooden floorboards. He strides through the double doors. CUT TO: 4 INT � SALOON � NIGHT ALISTER takes a small, calculating look around at the people there, all dressed in disco outfits with cowboy accessories, relaxed and drinking. Some are playing board games. He heads for the bar and is no time drinking neat whiskey. He slams the glass down on the table. ALISTER Is groovy kid bongo here? The bar falls silent. People shuffle uncomfortably. CHUCK HEADBEATER takes a couple of moments to pluck up every ounce of courage in his afro. His voice wavers in uncertainty. CHUCK HEADBEATER Er�who�s askin? ALISTER (Firmly) Me. The whole barroom takes a collective intake of breath. CHUCK HEADBEATER You�re..askin�? ALISTER Yes. That�s why I asked. The people in the saloon chatter in amazement amongst themselves. CHUCK HEADBEATER So..you�re askin? ALISTER Who�s askin? CHUCK HEADBEATER points nervously at THAT GUY. CHUCK HEADBEATER Er..that guy. ALISTER grabs the unsuspecting THAT GUY and throws him into a game of scrabble. BARMAN, a plump middle aged man in an off white apron, continues to wipe the beer glasses with a cloth. He doesn�t look up when he speaks. BARMAN Sure..he�s here. Increased mutterings are heard. Some in amazement. A GIRL feints. BARMAN (shouts) Bongo, get your ass over here! Towards the back of the bar, a wooden door creeks open. Out steps GROOVY KID, wearing a cowboy hat and a white suit. He is about 3 feet tall and speaks with a quite high tone of voice. DADDY, in contrast speaks with a deep Yorkshire accent. DADDY Groovy kid..we thought you weren�t around here nowadays. GROOVY KID No. Just none of you asked anymore. A couple of cowboys slap their foreheads. Beside one of them, a LITTLE KID tugs the trouserleg of his DADDY. LITTLE KID Daddy. Why is he the leader? GROOVY KID removes his cowboy hat. It releases the finest and most bristly afro known to man. It stretches a good two feet circumference from his head, glinting in under the dancing lantern glow. The room breaks into applause. Some cowboys kneel. GROOVY KID (to ALISTER) Yeah, stranger, what�d ya want? ALISTER I come with information. About the enemy. GROOVY KID Sure, boy, we�re all listen�. ALISTER They will send an undercover operator to detach your afro, sending the cowboys into civil war over a new leader. Nobody else has hair big enough. GROOVY KID My God, boys. I kinda could do with some helmet or somethin�. A number of people in the bar scurry around at this order. Some try on hats of differing sizes, hitting each other in the back ground to test their protective qualities. GROOVY KID Scheming ninjas. Say, d�ya know what this guy�ll..look like..so we can raise the guard a little. ALISTER He has no shadow. In one swift movement of ALISTER rips GROOVY KID�s afro hairstyle from his head and dives on the floor. While down ALISTER quickly folds up the hairstyle and stuffs it into a specially made section of his belt. The bar room erupts with motion as DISCO COWBOYS search for their concealed weapons. ALISTER flips to his feet, now armed with two swords. He tears away his cowboy costume to reveal a black ninja suit with flowers on it. CHUCK HEADBEATER has his gun at the ready and steadies himself for a shot. He fires and the glass BARMAN has been cleaning shatters in half. He holds his hands up in a state of apology but the BARMAN throws the rest of the glass at him, bouncing off CHUCK HEADBEATERs head and to the floor. CHUCK HEADBEATER falls backwards onto a table where two AGING DISCO COWBOYS are playing cards. The table supports his weight easily and the older cowboys start to throw the cards on his chest, not noticing the change of their playing surface. COWBOY ONE picks up a chair from beside the bar and holds it above his head, charging forward at ALISTER. More cowboys come streaming towards ALISTER, who�s swift ninja reactions are articulate and precise. A flaying of limbs and three cowboys are put on their backsides (the last due to a faulty chair). COWBOY ONE slows down his charge and stops himself from his aggressive approach, obviously scared. He tries to cover his previous threatening chair holding position by sitting on it and whistling. After a brief pause of consideration ALISTER kicks him off it onto a pool table. Again some people continue playing pool, not noticing they are actually firing balls directly at COWBOY ONE head. There are still about seven cowboys present, surrounding ALISTER. But they are more cowardly than before. ONE OF THEM makes a hesitant step towards ALISTER. ALISTER simply moves suddenly to make ONE OF THEM run away and dive on three people who are playing scrabble around a small table. ALISTER, alert, his hands hovering ready for action backs away, his eyes fixed on the potential threats. He moves backwards and almost trips over a chair. Stretches out his right hand and moves a chess piece on a nearby board game that more people are playing. ALISTER backs out of the door. COWBOY FOUR, standing near the bar, rubs his head and speaks to the BARMAN. COWBOY FOUR Do you reckon...that was the secret agent guy? BARMAN nods. Did he have a shadow..I wasn�t paying attention. CUT TO: 5 EXT � GRINGO - NIGHT ALISTER briefly looks to the right and left but he is pumped full of haste. He jumps on his horse, without bothering to untie it. Instead he sits and slaps the side three times. A clash of metal as the horse transforms around him. It turns inside out and a few seconds later ALISTER is at the controls of a stelf looking ninja vehicle. It is sleek and the jet like motor whurrs into action, like the bat mobile. In seconds he has gained sufficient revs and is ready to speed away. On the back there is a bumper sticker that reads �disco sucks�. Cowboys pile out from the saloon. CHUCK HEADBEATER brushes playing cards off his chest and grabs his lasso. He takes a rounded swing. And it wraps itself around the back axle of the ninja mobile. He tries to yank it free. On the third frantic tug it is released and wraps itself around the railing before him. He heaves a sigh of relief. Then the ninja mobile is activated and shoots, rocket like into the distance. It is also still tied to the railing. CHUCK HEADBEATER looks on, then realises he is indirectly attached to it. There�s no time to let go of the lasso that�s wrapped around his arm and he and the railing are dragged along with it. After a couple of terrifying seconds his hands let go and his momentum flies himself into the front of the house with GUY at the front in silver suit. GUYS WIFE is in shock. From the cab of the ninja mobile two metal stars are flung. One lodges itself in the jukebox that is playing a disco track, the other slits through the cord that holds the glitter ball. It falls on top of the injured CHUCK HEADBEATER, who lies crumpled on the floor. DOUG MC SALAD arises from slumber, gets up, treads on his hot dog and fires two shots as the car speeds into the horizon. A couple of seconds later two pigeons thump to the ground. DOUG MC SALAD looks slightly embarrassed and sits back down and goes to sleep. CUT TO: INT � SALOON � NIGHT BARMAN is still cleaning glasses, victims are lying scattered on various board games. LITTLE KID (wearing cowboy hat) tugs the sleeve of his DADDY. LITTLE KID Daddy, why did they do this? DADDY spits on the floor. DADDY They�re Hippies, that�s why. Ninjas Hippies. They like the beatles, flounce around, smoke and play their guitars. They are evil, son. They won�t stop until all disco (he does a little turn at the word) music is stopped. It�s censorship, boy. We aint done nothin� to upset them. Sure we deleted their mastertapes, but that was after they trashed our BeeGees album. They�re bad baby, real bad. LITTLE KID Have we always been at war? DADDY A long long time ago. The two factions were at peace. And Gringo was under the guidance of a king.. DISSOLVE TO: INT � KINGS CHAMBER � DAY A throne room. ELVIS sits on the throne. VOICE OVER (DADDY) ..the King ruled this kingdom. There were tensions ..but the King, yup, we loved that guy so much he could just sort it out. At the foot of the throne a HIPPIE hits COWBOY with his acoustic guitar. A full scale fight breaks out between the two rival factions. ELVIS, on the throne, points and tuts. The fighting stops. VOICE OVER (DADDY) ..But then, one sad day, he left us and set out to a far flung job in a retail outlet. EXT � GRINGO � DAY ELVIS has his suitcase in his hand. Numourous Hippies and Cowboys hug him. A woman cries as he enters a stagecoach that rides into the distance. As soon as it�s gone the hippies and cowboys shift into two separate groups, some hesitantly shuffling across the road so they are standing next to their own like. After a pause the two sets of people start to fight each other. VOICE OVER (DADDY) ..It was that day we realised we hated each other. Peace summits were called but it was hopeless, the different ideologies of disco cowboys and ninja hippies could not live together � so now we live apart. At war. INT � SALOON � NIGHT Back to as it was. LITTLE KID But how are we governed now, Daddy? ONE OF THEM Will somebody shut this kid up? Emotional music. DADDY puts his hand on his heart. DADDY We devised our own system of government, based on truth, justice and who has the biggest afro. GROOVY KID shrieks as he looks in the mirror. He is bald. He cries. A couple of people comfort him. :CUT TO INT � NINJA MOBILE � NIGHT In the scarcely lit cockpit. A muffled explosion and ALISTER glances down at his belt, troubled. His hands move to that area, but it is too late. The hair is escaping, starting to seep through his fingers. CUT TO: EXT � DESERT VALLEY � NIGHT ALISTER�s ninja mobile speeds across the boarder. The track that is dry road is turfed up by the speed of the mobile. CUT TO: INT � NINJA MOBILE - NIGHT ALISTER is having trouble seeing as most of his vision is blocked by the stolen haircut. It gets in his nose, he sneezes. The ninja mobile shakes on the roadway but ALISTER regains control. CUT TO: EXT � NINJA HOMEBASE � NIGHT Groups of people are strumming acoustic guitars beside campfires, huddling around in clusters outside their tepees. A screeching is heard in the distance. The chords of the peters out, and light mumble of conversation becomes a sheet of silence. The crackled sound of a radio playing an Elvis record wavers through the new silence. Out of the darkness thunders the hair filled Ninja mobile. It�s pilot grasping around the frizzy obstacle between him and his controls. He struggles, and banks away from the main dwelling. A hippie rises, holding the neck of his guitar and is mesmerised like a ghost at the vehicle hurtling in their direction. CUT TO: INT � NINJA MOBILE � NIGHT ALISTER fumbles around for the controls, latterly using a comb to comb his way through the hairstyle that threatens him. He stretches out a hand blindly through the hair he is wrestling against. He presses a red button. CUT TO: EXT � NINJA HOMEBASE � NIGHT The ninja hippies watch as parachutes come out of the back of the mobile. It skids. ALISTER can just about be made out struggling with the controls through fist fulls of bad hair. He looses control and the mobile banks and slides, tearing through hippie memoriabilia and a clothes line full of period clothes. It veers and skids, eventually colliding with a marquee. An explosion of foil on the impact. Chocolate bars are flung into the sky and land like raindrops in the smoke filled air. A rush of Hippies leave their guitars and weapons and rush over to the site of the crash. CUT TO: EXT � SUPPLIES MARQUEE� NIGHT The toppled tent is crumpled in a pile of canvass and broken chocolate. The HIPPIES who left the campfires scurry around, digging out the tinged Crunchie bars and wading through the remains of the tent. Soon ALISTERS car is located and uncovered. They bang on the hatch, a flap is lifted. The lever pulled. The hatch opens. All they can see is hair. Out of which arises a spluttering, frantically waving ALISTER. The mood changes and the Ninja Hippies start to celebrate. NAMELESS CHARACTER, a hippie who�s smoking a joint, looks at the stranded remains of toffee crisps and a slight despair registers on his forehead. NAMELESS CHARACTER Oh man, you hit the munchies. All the hippies try to pick the chocolate around them on the floor. Then there is a clapping of hands and everyone parts away with respect. MR MENZAGGI, an aged Oriental hippie strides forward and glances at the detached hairdo. He then looks at ALISTER and offers him his hand out the ninja mobile. MR MENZAGGI Alister sir, you have come a long way. CUT TO: EXT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY A YOUNG ALISTER (10 years old) arrives barefoot, at the doors of a Oriental palace. The mist circulates around the triangular tower. YOUNG ALISTER knocks at the great doorway that leans across the side of the house. It opens and, behind it is MR MENZAGGI. MR MENZAGGI, slightly younger, is wearing a white cloth and sandals. He bows to YOUNG ALISTER, YOUNG ALISTER bows back. CUT TO: INT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY MR MENZAGGI is pruning his bonsai trees, delicately weaving wires around and clipping branches with a small cutting implement. His eyes look over his glasses and meet YOUNG ALISTERs. MR MENZAGGI Paint the fence. Up down. Paint the fence. CUT TO: EXT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY YOUNG ALISTER, now wearing a Chinese style headband with flowers on it, paints MR MENZAGGI�s fence. He uses red paint. Putting it up and down in large stroke movements. CUT TO: INT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY MR MENZAGGI is still working on his bonsai trees. YOUNG ALISTER looks up at him, his clothes covered in red paint. MR MENZAGGI Sweep the carpet. CUT TO: INT � CARPETED ROOM IN NINJA TRAINING CENTRE� DAY YOUNG ALISTER sweeps the carpet. CUT TO: INT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY MR MENZAGGI Do the ironing. Iron left, iron right. YOUNG ALISTER looks more and more pissed off. But he manages to filter it out of his face in a short, restraining, flex of muscle. CUT TO: INT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY YOUNG ALISTER looks longingly out of the window where MR MENZAGGI is teaching some people karate kicks. YOUNG ALISTER irons with frustrated, agitated movements, knocking over a jug with one of them. CUT TO: INT � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY MR MENZAGGI is selotaping explosives onto a bonsai tree when YOUNG ALISTER approaches with a basket full of laundry. MR MENZAGGI Very good, sir. Now, scrub my undies. YOUNG ALISTER�s face drops in horror. YOUNG ALISTER With the greatest respect master, perhaps I am blind like a sheep on animal hospital, and you are the Rolf Harris that can guide me, but I fail to see how unyellowing your stains will aid my quest to be a ninja. MR MENZAGGI is taken aback by this speech. MR MENZAGGI I�m sorry � I thought you were the cleaner. CUT TO: INT � CLASSROOM - DAY MR MENZAGGI speaks before of a class of about 15 boys, including YOUNG ALISTER, YOUNG NAMELESS CHARACTER and CONFUSED POTENTIAL NINJA. ALISTER is keenly taking notes. MR MENZAGGI To fight present you must confront past. To seek new path, you must look back. Unless you cross road, that very important. CONFUSED POTENTIAL NINJA puts his hand up. CONFUSED POTENTIAL NINJA Please sir, what if you�re walking backwards? CUT TO: EXT - � MENZAGGI�s NINJA TRAINING CENTRE � DAY YOUNG ALISTER trains in a line with other classmates. CONFUSED POTENTIAL NINJA is facing the wrong way. CUT TO: INT - CLASSROOM � DAY MR MENZAGGI teaches infront of the pupils. CONFUSED POTENTIAL NINJA is sitting the wrong way. Mr MENZAGGI points to a picture of a dark figure on a flip board at the front of class. MR MENZAGGI Snaddon, who, legend has it, is locked in a cupboard and cannot get out. MR MENZAGGI flips over the page. It has a picture of a fine wooden cupboard. MR MENZAGGI He is like a shadow in the night. Very dark. He will come and save our people. MR MENZAGGI flips over the chart again. There are loads of pictures of household appliances. MR MENZAGGI points at an ironing board. MR MENZAGGI The legend foretells... CUT TO: INT � GRINGO FM � DAY DJ DAVE is a stereotypically loud DJ, wearing a coloured shirt. He is surrounded by the usual radio paraphernalia. DJ DAVE Whether your waiting for Snaddon or the other chick, Gringo FM, cranking it loud and strong. Hu..we have a caller here. HIPPIE ON LINE We was wonderin� where you was..cos with the war an� stuff we could kinda..kill you. Then we could play our records cos.. (weeps) we lost twelve sgt peppers today. DJ looks across to GUARD, an old guy with a shotgun. DJ DAVE We realise both sides want us. That is why we have a crack security team. Now do you have a request? HIPPIE ON LINE Yup..all you need is love..man.. DJ DAVE Hey. I�m tryna stay neutral here. Here�s some Elvis. CUT TO: INT - CLASSROON � DAY MR MENZAGGI produces a plant. He rubs the leaves and smells. MR MENZAGGI This plant very important. It mean lot for major Hippie legend. It get you stoned, man. MR MENZAGGI inhales a drag from a joint he�s holding. YOUNG NAMELESS CHARACTER (unsure) Is it dangerous? MR MENZAGGI is now floating around the room. MR MENZAGGI It have few side effects..but used all over world. CUT TO: EXT - ANTARTIC � DAY A STONED HIPPIE floats past. About three feet above the ground. He gets attacked by a polar bear, clawing his legs. A STONED HIPPIE Whoa..that tickles. CUT TO: EXT � JUNGLE � DAY A rustle in the bushes. HIPPIE TWELVE is scared, he looks behind him then scampers forward, his hands yanking back the thorns. Urgently and afraid. There is a roar. HIPPIE TWELVE�s lip quivvers with fear. He starts to climb up a small mound. Another roar, much closer. HIPPIE TWELVE slides down the mound a couple of feet, settling on his back in a lying position. Then a smile breaks around his face and he searches through his pockets and finds a joint. He lights it and inhales. Out of nowhere a LION crashes through the bushes and towards him. He exhales with a mighty blow and the LION breathes it in and floats up into the sky. HIPPIE TWELVE starts to hover. CUT TO: INT � CLASSROOM � DAY MR MENGAGGI It good shit. But every ninja get munchies. CUT TO: EXT � JUNGLE � DAY HIPPIE TWELVE bangs frantically on a vending machine. He floats away before he can gather his chocolate. CUT TO: INT � CLASSROOM � DAY MR MENAGGI You boys sleep very well. All the members of the class look ill. They groan. Some float. CUT TO: INT � GRINGO FM � NIGHT A record by Elvis comes to an end. DJ DAVE speaks into the mike, sitting next to him is GALY FREWT � a conservatively dressed journalist. DJ DAVE Gringo FM. Cranking it loud and strong. With the latest developments - here�s our wartime correspondent Galy Frewt. GALY FREWT The world of disco music was thrown into a muddle tonight as their leader Kid Bongo was brutally decapitated into two pieces..his body and his Afro Carribean hairstyle. This is believed to be a deliberate ploy from the Hippies to instigate a state of civil war, which is expected to break out after Starsky and Hutch. CUT TO: EXT - GRINGO � NIGHT In a candle lit ceremony DADDY and some other cowboys prey to albums by Donna Summers. Some weep hysterically. GALY FREWT (Continued) The more religious Cowboys have missed the programme and are believed to be preying to their God, Donna Summers, in street rituals until the civil strife is resolved. Some of them recorded the episode. CUT TO: INT - SALOON � DAY A small television set has the end credits of Starsky and Hutch. Nervous glances as the titles come to an end. Uneasy moments. GUY enters, wearing a massive and obviously false Afro. The wig falls off. He picks it up and tries to put it back on his head. Mumbling - the rest of the Cowboys are not sure what to do. ONE LINE COWBOY We�ve never had a civil war before, what do we do? BARMAN Get drunk and dance. The people shrug their shoulders. CHUCK HEADBEATER leaps with excitement. CHUCK HEADBEATER Dancing competition! DISSOLVE TO: INT - SALOON � DAY A sign says �civil war�. Disco music plays. The saloon now has more of a space in the middle, cleared back tables and chairs now occupy the perimeter. CHUCK HEADBEATER leaps into the middle and a short dance routine of a funky disco nature ensues. He still has a glitter ball over his head, this accounts for why, while pointing in the sky he pokes ONE LINE COWBOY in the eye, he falls back onto a game of chess. CHUCK HEADBEATER Sorry man..but in war there is always innocent victims. The dance routine comes to a close with CHUCK HEADBEATER balancing a table on his disco ball encased head. This wins the approval of most of the audience apart from GROOVY KID. GROOVY KID Hey..baby that aint right. A panel of JUDGES, sitting at an oak table, gives CHUCK HEADBEATER 8 out of ten for his performance. This is presented on a bunch of boards. GROOVY KID takes to the floor, to the cheers of the surrounding audience. His body pop routine goes down really well. He dances on the bar, he leaps around like a man possessed. All groovy disco. Rapturous applause greets this performance. The judges mark 9 out of ten. Then GROOVY KID leaps thirteen feet into the air, grabs onto the circulation fan and spins around on it for numerous seconds. He lets go, somersaults through the air and lands on a horse outside, pointing in the air. Then the horse does a shit. Despite this, from inside JUDGE ONE points and shouts a verdict. JUDGE ONE It�s you! GUY steps forward. GUYS WIFE clasps her head in her hands, embarrassed. GUY Don�t be so sure. Go DJ. The disco music starts and GUY feebly dances but he thinks it�s really good. He just jogs his arms and legs up and down a little. His performance ends with a quite pathetic attempt at the splits. The JUDGES look unimpressed. One of them shakes their head. A verdict is reached. JUDGE ONE We decide that Groovy kid bongo is fit to govern the internal and external affairs of the disco cowboys. A cheer of appreciation rings around the crowd. JUDGE quells the applause. JUDGE ONE But there�s more..the runner up becomes 1st minister of defence...as he can balance a table on his head. CHUCK HEADBEATER places a table on his head and spins it around. JUDGE TWO But don�t overdo it. INT � GRINGO FM � DAY GALY FREWD conducts a report. GALY FREWD The shortest civil war in history saw Kid Bongo dance his way to victory. In other news the hippies have problems of their own - an unprecedented lack of chocolate based snacks due to a supply error is forcing them to eat mud. EXT � RIDGE OVER VALLEY - DAY High on a ridge ALISTER looks down at a stagecoach that is passing through the valley. He palms into his mouth a lump of mud. ALISTER puts up to his eyes a pair of binoculars that are brightly coloured. The stagecoach is guarded by DADDY, GUY and CHUCK HEADBEATER who now has a table on his head. DOUG McSALAD is slumped at the back - a brown blanket smothered around his rifle bearing hands. ALISTER removes the flouncey binoculars from before his eyes and briefly glances down to a nearby cave, just off the track. Then back, focusing through his lenses at the contents of the stagecoach. It is full of wagon wheels � the chocolate kind. He finally drops the enlargement spectacles so they dangle around his neck and hurries towards a zip line that is set up. ALISTER leaps onto the apparatus and is sliding down the side of the mountain. Half way down his decent he jumps off the line and lands swiftly on a rock base with NAMELESS CHARACTER and HIPPIE GUY. They are listening to the Elvis track on a small radio. ALISTER gestures and they turn it off. He peers through his binoculars. ALISTER Give it 20 seconds. CUT TO: INT - CAVE � DAY A couple more HIPPIES roll a massive contraption, wooden and on wheels. It is hard to make out what it is at this stage, just a vertical piece of wood supported on a trolley. CUT TO: EXT � MOUNTAINSIDE � DAY ALISTER 19. ALISTER urges his men by pointing in their ears. They scurry around almost frantically. ALISTER coolly puts ear plugs in. CUT TO: EXT � CAVE � DAY The urgent squeaking of the wheels grind through the dirt as the wooden construction is moved. In the cave ANOTHER HIPPIE checks wires that are connected to the wooden structure. CUT TO: EXT � MOUNTAINSIDE � DAY On top of the ridge, NAMELESS CHARACTER, now with ear guards on, is holding a microphone. ALISTER looks tense and braces himself. CAPTION: Eighteen seconds later. CUT TO: EXT - VALLEY � DAY The stagecoach sees something in the distance. It is a massive wooden cut out of the disco diva, Donna Summers. CUT TO: EXT � MONTAINSIDE � DAY ALISTER Now. NAMELESS CHARACTER presses play on a tape deck. The sound of Donna Summers disco music echoes around the valley. He grasps the microphone ready. CUT TO: EXT � VALLY - DAY The approaching stagecoach halts immediately at the sight of a wooden cutout of Donna Summers at the side of the road. CHUCK HEADBEATER gets out and starts dancing, tripping over his table. So does GUY, who dances the most applauding moves. DADDY bows. The music clicks off, NAMELESS CHARACTER starts to speak through the loud speaker in the back of the wooden Donna Summers. NAMELESS CHARACTER (very slow in a false accent) I am one of your Gods. I demand sacrifice. Leave the munchies and go away. DADDY But..doesn�t the sacred text foretell that we must burn 3 sprinkles of smegists on our foreheads seven miles away from the Onan valley, two days before a full moon. DADDY bows at the feet of the fake Donna Summers. NAMELESS CHARACTER Wagon wheels will do. Now go! Just leave the munchies, man! Er..that�d be hip. DADDY (now suspicious) I.. thought you were tied to a crane. NAMELESS CHARACTER That�s just a myth ..like.. the nightmare reject bin where the spice girls live..er..David Soul being a trampoline.. or Snaddon.. Ah..I�m so sleepy. I think I�d better go. The wooden Donna Summers is wheeled back towards the cave. The Cowboys start to unload the wagon wheels. Then, the wooden cut out hits a rock and sways. ALISTER looks anxious. It wobbles, crashing on it�s side and breaking into two pieces. The Hippies are horrified. The Cowboys turn to look, then run towards the broken Demi-God. GUY overruns and collides with Donna Summers, breaking her into further pieces. DADDY hits him. Then he looks across to see an electrical wire. At the end of it HIPPIEs stand, in a cave. They are frozen like ghosts. One of them is peeing. CUT TO: EXT - MOUNTAINSIDE � DAY ALISTER waves frantically, giving a relay of instructions. Then he slides down the side of the mountain and towards another cave. From another cave. Step the CHUCK HEADBEATER There�s danger a brewin� Beside the sleeping DOUG McSALAD an alarm clock is ticking down. It is ticking towards the word �Danger�.. He holds a knife to the neck of GUY. GUY stops dancing and looks around nervously towards CHUCK HEADBEATER. GUY What do I do..minister of defence. CHUCK HEADBEATER I dunno..hit him. GUY DOUG McSALAD is brushing his teeth. DOUG McSALAD shaves his face while reading a newspaper. DOUG McSALAD yawns, picks up the gun and aims it at his own head. Then he realises, in his weary state of mind, that he should point it at someone else. More yawning. He has the gun by his side momentarily and it goes off. Up above, a feint whimper can be heard. LION falls out of the sky, landing on CHUCK HEADBEATER. The LION starts to attack the stagecoach, ripping into the cargo of circular marsh mallow based chocolate snacks. The stagecoach rocks violently. DOUG McSALAD lines up another shot at the LION. The trigger is pulled and rifle sound cracks through the valley. CHUCK HEADBEATER falls to the floor. Towards the hill both sets of Hippies and Cowboys run. A trail of weapons lies scattered on the ground. The rest of them run to the hills. A pod falls from the sky. It is about one foot by two and a half feet and oval in nature. A lid cracks open, like an egg. Out creep sensors and cameras on what appears to be like a car aerial. It makes a buzzing sound. EXT � GRINGO FM � DAY A speaker gives out feint Elvis music. SNADDON (locked in a fine wooden cupboard) shimmies along the lane. A GUARD patrols nearby, the roof of Gringo FM. From the keyhole of the cupboard SNADDON sees him. A scurrying of cupboard bits as SNADDON dives for cover. The GUARD looks around � SNADDON is scarcely disguised by a thin selection of pot plants. GUARD takes a brief look and walks back. EXT - Behind a plantpot. SNADDON That�s not all my problems. SNADDON, a dark black entity, steps out of the cupboard. His head is entangled in a mess of wire coathangers. SNADDON looses his footing and tumbles down the hill. He lands in . Where do they keep coming from? Eastfife. CUT TO: INT � MOTHERSHIP � DAY The interior of the spaceship is white and covered in crystal slime that glints between the shadows of the crevices in the slippery walls. The walls have almost a leaf type organic pattern to them, in contrast to the grey, solid floor. The sound of heavy machinery gets louder and louder as we move around the corner and towards a sealed doorway. CUT TO: INT � BOY BAND FACTORY � DAY The room is based around a giant production line. Almost alien like pieces of machinery whurr and sprain, afixing details to blobs of wax. Some sculpt minor details into their forming faces. ONE POOR KID, who�s also made of wax, gets a developing spot on his face. He instinctively puts a finger over it, but it is too late. Alarm bells ring, there�s red lights. A robotic arm comes into view, it slides down a rail suspended above the line. It picks up ONE POOR KID and throws him into a reject bin. The process continues. They are packaged into groups and go through a �Shit name generater�. The side of the machine lights up with various names. BOYZ34, SUTL, RFD, Y42. CAPTAIN FLANNAGON Now you see � we usually handpick one guy for a lucrative solo career. The rest are..usually made of wax. HIPPIE No. We all have four beats to a bar.. we all have .. why can�t we work out our differences and put to one side our differences and concentrate on what we have in common.. they are shit! CUT TO: EXT � GRINGO � DAY The middle of the town is made out like a festival. LITTLE KID Please sir..if I may ask..how come you have no shadow? ALISTER places his finger in his lips and removes it. His face changes into more of a flippant expression. ALISTER Oh..that�s just bollocks. GROOVY KID In the name of Elvis..charge! To a clearly managed white room. They are presented with a guitar. BOY 1 takes it in his hands and looks confused. He puts it to his ear, the main bit of the instrument where the hole is presses against the side of his head. It makes a little twangy noise. BOY 1 jumps back in shock at the noise. Then he bangs his head on the guitar as it�s stuck to his hair. The excessive hair gel intertwines with the strings of the guitar. A dorkish expression engulfs BOY1�s face. Behind the glass CAPTAIN FLANNOGAN grasps the microphone. CAPTAIN FLANNOGAN (fairly urgent) That�s enough! Get him out of there. Two CLEANLY PRESENTED BULKY GUYS open the door of the room and lead BOY 1 safety, past BOY 3, who has a tuba stuck in his ear ring. CAPTAIN FLANNAGON In this instance we opted for an aggressive marketing strategy. CUT TO: EXT � GRINGO � DAY DRONES smash the jukebox. DOUG McSALAD goes to bed. INT � PRACTICE ROOM � DAY Into the practice room steps BOB DYLAN. He is presented with a guitar. He gracefully accepts. Behind the glass CAPTAIN FLANNAGON shifts his posture indicating this is very strange. BOB DYLAN starts to strum one of his own compositions, desolation row. His whiny, untrained yet unique voice streams out from him. Halfway through, a robotic hand decends and picks him up. He is ceremoniously dropped into a hole in the ground. ALISTER grabs the ironing board. It protect from rodents. They are a little image conscious. CUT TO: INT - SALOON � DAY Drones surround him. In their well presented way. They shuffle along. ALISTER is pressed back against the wall. He fumbles blindly beside himself. His facial expression changes to one of intrigue. He lifts up his hand, he is now holding an armed paint brush. The DRONE lurches forward. In two swift vertical movements DRONE�s face is plastered with red paint. His arm flay around like a malfunctioning windmill. He looks at himself in the mirror and cries - his hair is messed up. He runs to a salon. DRONE TWO gets splashes of red paint on his jacket. He rubs at it vigorously. Now he has red paint on his hands. He looks in the mirror emotionally breaking down at the sight that confronts him, ending up weeping on the other side of the room. Crouching in a pathetic pile that is propped against the wall. He puts his head in his hands, then looks up. It is smeared with red paint. Upon seeing his refection he lets out a girlish scream then dies. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- hhhhhh Background COWBOY ONE is still spread on the pool table. Some kind of limb contact. From down the corridor creeps more DRONES. ALISTER grabs a broom and frantically sweeps the red paint towards the oncoming boy bands. The DRONES robotically continue their advance. When the paint touches them, their feet start to sizzle like acid is eroding at them. ONE BOY BAND MEMBER breaks past the paint onslaught. As ONE BOY BAND MEMBER approaches ALISTER has to think fast. He grabs the iron from MATTY and hit�s him with it, in a sweeping movement similar to what hit the plant pot previously. DRONE THREE and ALISTER are entangled in a fistfight. ALISTER picks up a glass and is about to pound it on to the head of the enemy. A stray limb from DRONE THREE knocks another glass on the floor. BARMAN looks from the bar with squinting, angry eyes. BARMAN (infuriated) You broke a glass! BARMAN�s anger rises, his head turning a deep red. His fists are clinched. Suddenly he leaps onto DRONE THREE � who�s some 10 yards away, kicking and punching with violent, pumping ferocity. Soon DRONE THREE is a wax puddle on the floor. A flurry of sound effects and all the remaining DRONES lie in bubbling piles. ALISTER very, very carefully puts his glass on a nearby table. He winces with fright as it wobbles. He tiptoes out of the bar. CUT TO: SNADDON falls. He screams. Below. DAVID SOUL is holding out his hands to catch him. SNADDON falls out of shot. Then he bounces up. And is soon jumping four or five times, each time getting more controlled and lower to the ground. You can�t go to bed now! CUT TO: EXT � REJECT BIN � SNADDON is standing next to DAVID SOUL. He hugs him in a jerky movement. SNADDON Thank God you�re really a trampoline. A rustle in the shadows. SNADDON steps over the remains of a boy band member. He steps on his head. The wax seeps over his shoe. In the distance the feint mumbling of the ballad strike a note of fear into SNADDON. DAVID SOUL reassures him. DAVID SOUL Sh..Listen to what I have to live with. In the distance the feint, but distinctive sound of �Spice up your life� echoes around the reject bin. DAVID SOUL shudders. Then a line is lowered into the bin. It has a platform big enough for two. DAVID SOUL gracefully removes the fruit machine from the head of SNADDON and throws it at POSH SPICE. They get on the line together and are winched toward safety. CUT TO: REJECT BIN � DAY DAVID SOUL is being jumped on by LITTLE KID. The reject members that are wax in origin just dance aimlessly. CHUCK HEADBEATER walks up to GALY FREWT. CHUCK HEADBEATER Do you fancy..er..falling in love? GALY FREWT Yeah..alright. Now madly in love, CHUCK HEADBEATER and GALY FREWT embrace and kiss, despite the obstical of CHUCK HEADBEATERs glitter ball. The moral of the story is..boybands suck. ROLL CREDITS over party CUT TO: EXT � LUSH TROPICAL ISLAND � DAY Underneath the tropical skies a group of rugged sailors clink together bottles of Malibu. They pour the liquid into battered sea mugs. There dress sense is mildly peculiar. They seem to be a cross between pirates and rastapharians. Some Reggae music comes over the radio and all them start to dance and laugh. CAPTAIN CHUNDLER Yeh, we�re the reggae pirates, man. More foolhardy laughing, malibu and strange cigarettes that make people float. In the background a spaceship crashes into the sea. After a brief submergence, it starts to float about innocently on the horizon. The faint sound of manufacturing mixes with the gentle reggae. CAPTAIN CHUNDER turns to ELVIS who�s seated nearby. CAPTAIN CHUNDLER You know, without you, us and them techno dwarves would never get along. Behind them a bunch of TECHNO DWARVES dance. ELVIS Sh, baby � gotto go to work. ELVIS put on a kwick save uniform. He points at the camera and makes a clicking sound. ELVIS Peace. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk DOUG MC SALAD awakes from the corner. DOUG McSALAD I have large shoes. DOUG McSALAD falls back asleep. |