The Narrator
Guy A: “Did you hear that?”
Guy B: “Hear what?”
Narrator: There was a sudden
cracking noise similar to that produced when a foot is pressed down on a fallen
twig.
Guy A: “That!”
Guy B: “What was that?”
Guy A: “I don’t know.”
Guy B: “It sounded like a foot
being pressed down on a fallen twig.”
Guy A: “That was exactly what I
was thinking.”
Narrator: “Same here.”
Guy B: “Who are you?”
Narrator: “The narrator.”
Guy A: “The who?”
Narrator: “Narrator. I am the one
who narrates your story for the readers.”
Guy B: “Well what are you doing
in the story?”
Narrator: “It is not fun being
the narrator. You don’t get any of the fame. No one ever remembers the
narrator.”
Guy A: “If you hate being a
narrator so much why don’t you quit?”
Narrator: “I can’t. My wife would
never let me. She says I have to have a job with a steady salary. Think of the
kids she says.”
Guy A: “If you don’t want to be a
narrator, what do you want to be?”
Narrator: “A squirrel.”
Guy A: “Excuse me?”
Narrator: “A squirrel.”
Guy B: “It sounds like you are
saying a squirrel.”
Narrator: “I am.”
Guy A: “Why would you want to be
a squirrel?”
Narrator: “They are majestic
creatures. Running from tree to tree in search of nuts for the winter…”
Guy B: “Yes but there is a
slight problem with you being a squirrel.”
Narrator: “What’s that?”
Guy B: “You are a human.”
Narrator: “So?”
Guy A: “You kind of lack the
necessary attributes to be a squirrel.”
Narrator: “I don’t understand.”
Guy A: “Well, humans don’t have
the same tree-climbing ability of a squirrel.”
Narrator: “I could learn.”
Guy A: “Yes I suppose you
could.”
Guy B: “Okay what about your lack
of a bushy tale?”
Narrator “I can grow one.”
Guy B: “Grow one?”
Narrator: “Yes.”
Guy A: “You can’t grow a tail.”
Narrator: “Why not?”
Guy A: “It is physically
impossible.”
Narrator “They said the same
thing about the man who wanted to grow an elephant trunk.”
Guy B: “And he couldn’t.”
Narrator: “Yes but that is not the
point.”
Guy A: “What is the point?”
Narrator: “The point is that I
can grow a tale if I put my mind to it.”
Guy B: “That is a pretty stupid
point.”
Narrator: “Don’t call my points
stupid.”
Guy B: “What else should I call a
point that says a man can grow a tale?”
Narrator: “You may disagree with
me but there is no need to resort to name-calling.”
Guy B: “If I can’t ridicule a man
who thinks he can grow a tail then I don’t know if you can ridicule anyone.”
Narrator: “Why would you want to ridicule
someone?”
Guy A: “Comedy.”
Narrator: “Comedy?”
Guy A: “Yes, making people
laugh.”
Narrator: “Never heard of it.”
Guy B: “Where you from?”
Narrator: “Germany originally.”
Guy B: “That explains it.”
Narrator: “Explains what?”
Guy A: “You don’t know what
comedy is. You are from Germany. Do we need to spell it out?”
Narrator: “You are ridiculing
Germany?”
Guy B: “I suppose in a way.”
Narrator: “How do you sleep at
night?”
Guy B: “Face down, why?”
Narrator: “Part of my tax form.”
Guy A: “Really? You still fill in
your own tax form?”
Narrator: “Yes, don’t you?”
Guy A: “No. No one does any
more. You just fill in your personal details and then send the tax form to the
government and they sort it out for you.”
Narrator: “Doesn’t that mean they
can charge you pretty much any amount of tax that they want.”
Guy B: “Yes. But government abuse
of personal freedom is a lot easier than filling it in by yourself.”
Narrator: “The moral of this
story is this, don’t let your comedy writing team look out the window when they
should be working. It leads to rushed stories that make no sense, that aren’t
funny and invariably involve squirrels in some way.”
Guy A: “That was pretty good; I
don’t know why you would want to give up narrating.”
Two Guys And A Tall Building.
There was a man sitting on
the ledge of a tall building.
Man: I’m going to jump! Don’t try
to stop me!
Guy: Go ahead.
Man: Excuse me?
Guy: I said go ahead.
Man: Shouldn’t you be trying to
stop me from jumping?
Guy: No, you’re thinking of the
other guy. I’m here to encourage you to jump.
Man: What?
Guy: You know how there is a good
angel and a bad angel?
Man: Yeah.
Guy: Well there is a guy who
stops people from jumping and there is a guy who encourages them.
Man: And you encourage them?
Guy: Yep.
Man: Why?
Guy: It’s God’s way of keeping
the number of stockbrokers down.
Man: That’s a pretty stupid
reason.
Guy: He’s a pretty stupid God.
Man: You can’t say that.
Guy: Why not?
Man: They’ll never let us
broadcast it.
Guy: I don’t know the BBC is
pretty liberal nowadays. They broadcast that show about giant killer arses.
Man: What show?
Guy: You know, there was an
accident a nuclear power plant and several giant killer arses were created.
They proceeded to terrorise the local area by sucking people up inside their
rectums.
Man: Are you sure the BBC
broadcast this show?
Guy: Come to think of it I might
not have seen it on the telly.
Man: Anyway as I was saying
you’ll never be allowed to say that about God.
Guy: Why?
Man: Think of the mail we’ll get.
Guy: We always get mail.
Man: Yeah but this will be from
religious nuts.
Guy: What’s the difference
between religious nuts and normal nuts?
Man: The religious nuts think they
are doing what God tells them to do.
Guy: And the normal nuts?
Man: I’m sorry.
Guy: The normal nuts, who do they
think is telling them what to do?
Man: The voices in their heads.
Guy: That doesn’t sound much of a
difference.
Man: Let me put it this way,
would you rather listen to, the voice in your head or God?
Guy: Would it be a female voice?
Man: Okay, I going to have to
stop this sketch right now.
Guy: Why?
Man: It has gotten too silly.
Guy: No it hasn’t.
Man: What are you talking about?
Killer giant arses? Calling God stupid?
Guy: That’s nothing. The writers
next door are writing a sketch about a stealth fighter pilot being trapped in
an underground cave with two of the three tenors, the people who write the
Oxford English Dictionary (Hi guys, told you I could get you into one of my
sketches), and a crate full of table salt, three melons and a hyperactive Irish
settler.
Man: That’s pretty fucked up.
Guy: It just goes to show you
silliness is all relative.
Man: Like intelligence.
Guy: Hey that reminds me. Are you
coming with us to America next week?
Man: No, I have a doctor’s
appointment.
Guy: Can’t you reschedule?
Man: Yeah but three years from
today I have a dentist appointment.
Guy: Too bad.
Man: Yeah.
Guy: So where were we?
Man: You were trying to convince
me to jump.
Guy: Oh yeah, go on its not that
far. You might survive.
Man: Is that the best you can do?
Guy: Yeah sorry my heart isn’t
really in it.
Man: Why not?
Guy: I got passed over for
promotion last week.
Man: Really?
Guy: Yeah, you see that really
tall building over there? Well they gave it to a 25-year-old. There doesn’t
seem to be any room in the encouraging people to jump off building business for
an old relic like me.
Man: Don’t say that. I’m sure you
are just as good, even better, than anyone else in this business.
Guy: Really?
Man: Sure, why the hell not. What
you need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself, stand up on your feet and
convince me to jump off this building.
Guy: You’re right. I’m not
that old. I have my whole career ahead of me. I’m going to do it.
Man: That’s the spirit.
Guy: You know your newly married
wife?
Man: Yeah?
Guy: She’s having an affair.
Man: What?
Guy: With your brother and best
friend.
Man: Those bastards.
Guy: And that stock you just put
all your money into.
Man: Yeah?
Guy: It has collapsed. The
company had been cooking the books for the past ten years.
Man: Oh my God.
Guy: And your dog was run over.
Man: No little poochie.
Guy: Yes little poochie.
Man: Oh God. [Starts crying]
Guy: There is nothing left for
you here. Go ahead jump. Put yourself out of your misery. Just jump. It’s only
one small step and then it’s all over.
Man: Just a small step?
Guy: Just a small step.
Man: It’s not like I have
anything to live for.
Guy: Nothing.
Man: You’re right. I’m going to
do it. Good job by the way, very convincing.
Guy: Thanks. If you want my
advice don’t shout aagh on your way down.
Man: What should I shout?
Guy: I don’t know. Something
memorable
Man: Memorable? Okay I got it. It
has been nice talking to you.
Guy: You too. Good luck.
Man: Thank you.
[Man does a running jump off the
building]
Man: I’m Gayyyyy!
Guy: Interesting choice.
[Massive thump]
Guy: Ouch! This job never gets
any easier.
[Another man appears out of the
roof door]
Guy: Hey you, have you ever
thought about jumping?
The Mapmaker
Bob: So have you got the new map
ready?
Mapmaker: Just finishing it,
Espquin.
Bob: Bob.
Mapmaker: Where?
Bob: No I’m Bob.
Mapmaker: I thought you were
called Espquin.
Bob: No one is called Espquin.
Mapmaker: I thought there was a
King of England called Espquin.
Bob: King Espquin?
Mapmaker: That’s the fellow.
Bob: There was no King Espquin.
Mapmaker: Are you sure?
Bob: Very.
Mapmaker: Maybe it was James.
Bob: Anyway, how’s the map?
Mapmaker: It’s my best ever.
Bob: Isn’t it your first?
Mapmaker: Technically yes.
Bob: What does that mean?
Mapmaker: It means yes, but makes
me sound more intelligent.
Bob: Oh, I just pause before I
answer questions to make me sound more intelligent.
Mapmaker: How’s that working?
Bob: [Pause] Fine.
Mapmaker: Okay I’m done. What do
you think?
Bob: Nice, very colourful.
Mapmaker: Yeah, I used yellow,
green, blue, purple and red.
Bob: All in the one country I
see.
Mapmaker: It’s a very important
country.
Bob: Luxembourg?
Mapmaker: Yep.
Bob: You didn’t happen to be born
in Luxembourg, did you?
Mapmaker: How did you know that?
Bob: Just a hunch.
Mapmaker: How much do I weigh?
Bob: Just inside your ideal
weight range.
Mapmaker: That’s amazing.
Bob: It’s a gift.
Mapmaker: Who gave it to you?
Bob: My uncle.
Mapmaker: What did you get him in
return?
Bob: Pair of socks.
Mapmaker: Matching?
Bob: Yep.
Mapmaker: Nice.
Bob: I thought so.
Mapmaker: I dream of making
enough money to buy matching socks.
Bob: Say it seems like you have
missed out America?
Mapmaker: Amer-what?
Bob: America. You know the United
States.
Mapmaker: Never heard of it.
Bob: You have never heard of the
United States of America?
Mapmaker: Should I?
Bob: Depends on your point of
view.
Mapmaker: Do you think people
will miss it?
Bob: Probably.
Mapmaker: Well I best add it in.
Where does it go?
Bob: Between Europe and Asia.
Mapmaker: I can’t put it there.
Bob: Why not?
Mapmaker: Look.
Bob: Ahh, I see your problem.
Mapmaker: What problem?
Bob: You have drawn the world
flat.
Mapmaker: So?
Bob: It’s not flat.
Mapmaker: It’s not?
Bob: Nope.
Mapmaker: How do you know?
Bob: Satellite photos.
Mapmaker: Oh. They’re pretty
accurate are they?
Bob: Pretty.
Mapmaker: No chance they made a
mistake?
Bob: Not on the whole roundness
of the Earth issue.
Mapmaker: So I guess I will have
to change the map.
Bob: There is something else
about the map.
Mapmaker: What?
Bob: You seem to have drawn
Luxembourg surprisingly large. In fact so large that it covers most of the map.
Mapmaker: You mean Luxembourg
isn’t that big?
Bob: No.
Mapmaker: How big is it?
Bob: About this big.
Mapmaker: That’s quite small.
Bob: Indeed.
Mapmaker: I guess I better redraw
the map.
Bob: Can I ask you a question?
Mapmaker: Sure.
Bob: Have you ever been outside
of this room?
Mapmaker: Of course.
Bob: Really?
Mapmaker: No.
Bob: You’re not really the best
qualified to draw a map, are you?
Mapmaker: No, no I’m not.
Bob: Mapmaker is kind of a
strange choice as a career.
Mapmaker: Well I never did want
to be a mapmaker.
Bob: No?
Mapmaker: My father pushed me
into it.
Bob: Was he a mapmaker?
Mapmaker: No, he was a lamppost.
But he always wanted to be a mapmaker.
Bob: What did you want to be?
Mapmaker: Well ever since I was a
kid I have always dreamt of being a lumberjack. Jumping of tree to tree in
British Columbia-
[Lawyer enters]
Lawyer: Stop that!
Bob: Who are you?
Lawyer: I am a lawyer
representing Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
Mapmaker: Oh, crap.
Lawyer: We have an injunction
against you from performing the Lumberjack song as well as the Spanish
Inquisition sketch.
Bob: He hasn’t performed the
Spanish Inquisition sketch.
Lawyer: Give it time, give it
time. Well, I have to go deliver some injunctions across town. Have a nice day.
[Lawyer exits]
Bob: That was strange.
Mapmaker: Happens all the time.
Bob: Really?
Mapmaker: Yes.
Bob: All the time?
Mapmaker: Yes.
Bob: That?
Mapmaker: Look, I didn’t expect
the Spanish Inquisition.
Bob: He was right.
Mapmaker: Lawyers usually are.
Bob: No they’re not.
Mapmaker: Sorry I meant rich.
Lawyers are usually rich.
Bob: Oh, okay.
Mapmaker: So you are not doing to
buy my map?
Bob: No, sorry.
Mapmaker: Don’t worry I
understand.
Bob: What are you going to do
now?
Mapmaker: Become a drug addict.
Bob: Which drug?
Mapmaker: Probably heroin.
Bob: Can I suggest cocaine
instead?
Mapmaker: No, I hate needles.
Bob: Well okay then, have fun
with that.
Mapmaker: I will.
Author’s note: I do not nor ever will
endorse the taking of illegal substances. Not even if I was offered a lucrative
corporate sponsorship deal. Well, I’ll certainly look at any such deal but
ultimately I’ll reject it, probably. I mean if they offered a large amount of
money then I certainly would think about it. I’m not saying that money would
change my mind but a lot of it probably would. Well anyway I do not endorse the
use of drugs except for medical and possibly creative purposes.
This story has been brought to you by
Cocaine UK ltd. Hmm-mm that’s good Cocaine.
“I say, did you feel that?”
“Feel what dear?”
“It felt like the ship hit
something.”
“You and your imagination.”
“I’ll just go up and have a
look.”
“You do what you want dear.”
[Up on deck]
“I say, did we hit something?”
“That is what I came to find
out.”
“It felt like we hit something.”
“What do you think it could be?”
“I hadn’t the faintest idea. What
do ships hit nowadays?”
“Other ships?”
“I don’t see another ship?”
“Maybe we sank it.”
“Titanic is a large ship. It is
certainly capable of doing that.”
“Yes it is a mighty fine ship.”
“Oh look there’s a steward let’s
ask him. Hello, steward!”
“Yes sir?”
“What did we hit?”
“An iceberg, sir.”
“An iceberg?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Are you sure?”
“I saw it with my own eyes, sir.”
“Well, thank you very much.”
“Is that all, sir?”
“I couldn’t get some brandy could
I?”
“Certainly, sir?”
“What about you?”
“I could go for a spot of
brandy.”
“Okay, two glasses of brandy.”
“I’ll be as quick as I can, sir.”
“Jolly good stewards on this
ship.”
“Jolly good.”
“So, it was an iceberg not
another ship.”
“I suppose all the ice on the
deck was a clue.”
“Well hindsight is 20/20.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not entirely sure. Sounds
good though.”
“Oh it sounds good. I was just
wondering what it meant.”
“It probably means nothing. You
know, like, raining cats and dogs.”
“That actually happened to my
friend.”
“What did?”
“It rained cats and dogs.”
“Really?”
“Yes, there was an explosive at
an animal shelter.”
“That’s certainly a turn up for
the books.”
“Not just the books.”
“Well I didn’t mean the turn was
limited to the books.”
“Oh, of course.”
“Say if we hit an iceberg is
there any danger of us sinking?”
“No this is an unsinkable ship.”
“But isn’t that just company
propaganda.”
“It started out as such but it
was widely accepted as fact.”
“Does that make fact?”
“Pretty much.”
“Public opinion is powerful.”
“You have no idea.”
“I have some idea.”
“Well of course you have some
idea. But really you have no idea.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I hardly ever do. I’m an
upper-class Englishman in a Hollywood film.”
“Shouldn’t you be some sort of
villain?”
“No I’m too old for that.”
“If you’re not the villain then
what are you?”
“I’m the lovable, eccentric old
man.”
“Is that you?”
“Yep.”
“Well it’s nice to meet you.”
“And you. What are you again?”
“I’m one of the English
villains.”
“Oh, how’s that working out?”
“Not good, I don’t think I’m evil
enough.”
“I suggest you act mean to
someone socially below you.”
“That is what I have been doing.”
“Okay, how about acting reserved
and apparently uncaring?”
“I haven’t tried that.”
“It worked well for me.”
“Well thanks for all your
advice.”
“No problem.”
“Well if we do sink then I’ll try
and hold a place for you in the lifeboats.”
“That’s jolly decent of you.”
“It’s not trouble.”
“It was nice acting with you.”
“You too.”
“So, what have you created
professor?”
“Giant radioactive monkeys.”
“Giant radioactive monkeys?”
“Yes, giant radioactive monkeys.”
“Why giant radioactive monkeys?”
“Well after creating a small
cheese-eating pig, giant radioactive monkeys seemed the next logical step.”
“I see. And exactly how giant are
the giant radioactive monkeys?”
“You know King Kong?”
“Not personally.”
“You should, nice fellow. Well
imagine him having a child with a giant radioactive monkey. Are you imagining
it?”
“Yes.”
“Horrible isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“I mean the sheer logistics of
King Kong and a giant radioactive monkey having se…”
“Professor!”
“Yes?”
“You seemed to have gone off on a
tangent.”
“I have? Sorry, I do that
occasionally. I start talking about giant radioactive monkeys then it moves
onto King Kong having se…”
“Professor!”
“Yes?”
“How about answering the
question?”
“There was a question?”
“Yes. It was how giant are the
giant radioactive monkeys?”
“On a scale of giantess they are
a 8. That goes up to a 9 if you count their wings.”
“They have wings?”
“Of course.”
“So they can fly?”
“Unfortunately nope.”
“Why?”
“Well you see the genetic
material for the wings comes from a fruit fly.”
“They have fruit fly wings?”
“Giant radioactive fruit fly
wings.”
“There is something that bothers
we about this project Professor.”
“What’s that?”
“Why make the giant radioactive
monkeys, radioactive?”
“How else would you make them
giant?”
“Stretch them?”
“We tried that but the animal
rights people were all over us.”
“They don’t mean you making the
monkeys radioactive?”
“Oh they mean, it’s just that the
monkeys simply eat them now.”
“Well, that’s lucky.”
“Not really.”
“Why?”
“They don’t seem to like the
taste of taxmen.”
“That’s a pity.”
“I know, imagine the market for
giant radioactive taxmen-eating monkeys.”
“Indeed. So will you be working
on a future model which does eat taxmen?”
“No, we thought about doing that
but the moral implications were considered to high.”
“By moral implications do you
mean mass-murder?”
“No, I mean forcing the monkeys
to eat tax-men.”
“Ahh…that is a moral problem.”
“We just couldn’t do it to the
monkeys.”
“I understand. So what is your
next project?”
“My next project is to create a
squirrel capable of playing Beethoven’s 9th symphony.”
“Why the 9th?”
“We have found that the 9th is
the easiest of the symphonies for the squirrels to play.”
“Are you having much luck?”
“Not at the moment, the squirrels
seem to prefer gangster rap.”
“Are they any good?”
“The majority aren’t but one or
two are showing promise. If they developed at the rate they are developing then
we are hopeful we can have a single out by Christmas.”
“Well a gangsta rapping squirrel
sounds like the material for Christmas number one. [Turns to camera] So that is
it from me, Bill Ijustfarted, at the genetic experimental labs in the Liverpool
Street London Underground station.”
“What happens when you die?”
“People inherit your stuff.”
“And spiritually?”
“I suppose they could inherit
your religion too.”
“No I meant what happens to you
spiritually when you’re dead?”
“You don’t have to go to church.”
“How do you know?”
“Well if it was heaven then there
would be no need. If it were hell then there would be no reason. And if was
neither heaven nor hell then there wouldn’t be a church.”
“But what if you were
reincarnated?”
“I don’t see how you were killed
has anything to do with it.”
“No, reincarnated.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t know what that means,
do you?”
“Yes.”
“What does it mean?”
“It means [insert definition].”
“Actually it does mean that.”
“I told you I knew what it meant.
You have to be more trusting.”
“Or you could look more
trustable.”
“How would I do that?”
“Buy shares in trustable
limited.”
“At their current prices?”
“I have heard that the world
market for trust is about to skyrocket.”
“Why?”
“An election is going to be
called.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m calling it.”
“How can you do that?”
“I’m the Prime Minister.”
“You?”
“Yep.”
“Really?”
“I know, most people have a hard
time accepting it.”
“I didn’t even know we had a
Prime Minister.”
“It’s part of the whole
constitutional monarchy thing.”
“We’re a constitutional
monarchy?”
“Of course.”
“Since when?”
“Since forever.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Britain has had a monarchy
since the dark ages, I wonder if that is a coincidence.”
“This is Britain?”
“Yes.”
“I’m in the wrong country.”
“Which country should you be in?”
“America.”
“You’re American?”
“Yep.”
“What do you do?”
“Run the country.”
“You’re the Vice-President?”
“Nope, President.”
“Oh, well, I suppose that is just
as good.”
“That is what they tell me.”
“What you doing here?”
“I got on a helicopter to go to
Camp David and got out here.”
“Camp David is quite a long way
away.”
“The journey did take eight hours
longer than usual.”
“So, how do you like the
country?”
“It’s fine except you don’t seem
to speak very good English.”
“We are English.”
“Well, then you have no excuse.”
“I suppose we don’t.”
“I’m glad we got that sorted out.”
“While we are getting things
sorted out, can I just say that your football doesn’t involve much foot to ball
action.”
“So?”
“I’m just saying calling it
football probably wasn’t the best thing.”
“We’re American, when do we do
the best thing?”
“When all the alternatives have
tried.”
“Exactly.”
“So, shouldn’t we be discussing
what happens after you die?”
“Why?”
“Well that is the overall topic
of this sketch.”
“Yeah but when do the writers
stick to the overall topics?”
“When they write bad sketches.”
“And when they write good ones.”
“So pretty much every sketch.”
“Yeah.”
“Damn writers.”
“You said it.”
“I’m not sure if I did. I can’t
tell who is speaking hard the time.”
“That’s the writers fault.”
“Why is it we always get stuck
with the crappy writers?”
“Because we’re part of a rubbish
union.”
“I knew the whole no dues thing
was too good to be true.”
“I think we should organise our
own union and then go on strike for better writers.”
“That’s a good idea. We should
start right now.”
“Okay.”
“We need a slogan, though.”
“Yes, we do.”
“Hmm…how about what do we want?
Better writing! What are we doing to get it? Start striking!”
“That’s good but a bit complex.”
“How about, we’re here! We’re
queer! We want lots more beer!”
“That’s perfect.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?”
[Both of them] “We’re here! We’re
queer! We want lots more beer!
“Hey, do you know the meaning of
life?”
“Not at the moment.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I did know the meaning of
life but I forgot it.”
“You forgot it?”
“Yep.”
“That must have been annoying
it.”
“Not really.”
“You forgot the meaning of life
and you’re not annoyed?”
“Nope.”
“Why?”
“I figured that I will remember
it again.”
“How did you figure that?”
“I can’t remember.”
“You hadn’t got much of a memory
have you?”
“I have a great memory but I
don’t really the useless stuff.”
“The meaning of life is useless?”
“Yep.”
“What do you consider useful?”
“Something like where did I put
my car keys.”
“I suppose that is useful to
know.”
“What day of the week it is.”
“That’s important.”
“What the 25th letter of the
alphabet is.”
“Yeah, we can’t live without the
letter y.”
“You see what I mean?”
“Yeah I do.”
“I mean what good is it to know
the meaning of life? It is like knowing the score of a football match before
you watch the game.”
“I suppose it would be nice to
know why we are here.”
“Why?”
“It can give meaning to our
lives.”
“No, it will make you aware of
the meaning of your life.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Let me put it this way, what is
the point of living if you know the meaning of life?”
“Cheese.”
“Exactly, humour.”
“So you are saying the meaning of
life is humour?”
“No I am saying that if you know
the meaning of life then the reason to live is humour.”
“But that doesn’t make any
sense.”
“Does it have too?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“If it doesn’t make sense then it
is just nonsense.”
“And nonsense is funny.”
“Only if you are English.”
“Who cares about anyone who isn’t
English?”
“Those who aren’t English?”
“Yes but if you are not English
then your opinion doesn’t matter.”
“That is bizarre logic.”
“But it is logic.”
“I suppose, in a way.”
“And it is rational to do what is
logical.”
“Yes it is.”
“So it is rational to consider
the non-English are non relevance to the meaning of life.”
“I suppose.”
“Therefore the meaning of life
must be, in some way, to do with being English.”
“Uh-huh.”
“The question that must then be
asked is what is special about the English?”
“Yorkshire Puddings.”
“That is just Yorkshire.”
“Oh yeah, but that are very
nice.”
“Indeed. Not the ready-made ones
they sell in the supermarkets though.”
“Oh, of course not them. I’m
talking about home-made ones.”
“Okay I agree with you then.”
“Humour.”
“Exactly. English humour is
unique.”
“Like this.”
“This isn’t humour.”
“I thought it was humour.”
“Does it look like humour?”
“Well part of it made me laugh.”
“Yes but you are English.”
“So this is only funny to the
English?”
“Not all the English, just the
funny ones.”
“Isn’t that encouraging people to
say and think this is funny so that they consider themselves and others
consider them to be funny?”
“Yes.”
“So this might not be funny at
all?”
“What is funny?”
“A guy getting hit in the groin.”
“Indeed. So if that is funny and
humour is the meaning of life…”
“That means that the meaning of
life is laughing at a guy getting hit in the groin.”
“See, working out the meaning of
life isn’t that hard.”
“So you forgot that?”
“Forgot what?”
“Forgot that the meaning of life
was watching a guy get hit in the groin?”
“Oh no.”
“I thought you said you did.”
“No, the last time I worked out
the meaning of life it wasn’t that.”
“There is more than one meanings
of life?”
“Nope.”
“I’m confused.”
“It is fairly simple. I don’t
know the meaning of life, no one does. This whole conversation wasn’t about
working out the meaning of life but was a satire on people’s desire to know the
meaning of life.”
“A satire?”
“Yes, the conversation is random,
chaotic and simply ridiculous. Just like the search for the meaning of life.”
“So basically this whole
conversation is an attempt to make fun of the search for the meaning of life by
showing how stupid such a search is.”
“Yep.”
“So you don’t actually know the
meaning of life?”
“I told you. I forgot it.”
“Oh yeah. That’s a pity, it would
have been nice to know.”
Steve: Dave! How you been?
Dave: Fine, fine, you?
Steve: Never better, we just got
some very good news.
Dave: Really?
Steve: Mary is pregnant.
Dave: Well, congratulations.
Steve: Thanks. In fact, we have
organised a kind of impromptu party to celebrate. You’re welcome to join us.
Dave: Thanks.
[Steve and Dave enter dining
room]
Dave: Hi Jane.
Jane: Hi.
Mary [to Steve]: Did you tell
him?
Dave: He did and congratulations.
Mary: Thank you.
Jane: Have you thought about a
name yet?
Mary: A name? God, that hadn’t
even occurred to me.
Steve: Well, I have some
suggestions.
Mary: You do?
Steve: I was thinking Steve Jr.
[Dave laughs]
Dave: Steve Jr.?
Steve: Yeah, what’s wrong with
Steve Jr.?
Mary: We are not naming my child
Steve Jr.!
Steve: Okay, how about Charles.
Jane: That’s a little posh, isn’t
it?
Mary: What about Abigail?
Steve: That’s a girl’s name.
Mary: It could be a girl.
Jane: There is a 50/50 chance.
Dave: Slightly more than that.
Steve: It’s not going to be a
girl.
Mary: Sure, dear.
Jane: How about Maura?
Steve: It’s not going to be a
girl!
Jane: I was only saying.
Steve: It is going to be a boy. Only
suggest boy’s names.
Mary: Okay, Thomas?
Steve: Thomas? As in the tank
engine?
Mary: As in Thomas Jefferson.
Steve: Yeah but everyone is going
to think we named our son after a talking train.
Mary: Fine, forget Thomas.
Jane: William?
Steve: Bill?
Jane: No, William.
Steve: Bill Clinton.
Jane: Okay forget about William.
Mary: What about you Dave? Got
any suggestions?
Dave: How about Hank.
Jane: Hank? Who names a kid Hank?
Dave: My brother is called Hank.
Steve: Your brother is called
Hank?
Dave: Yeah. Why?
Steve: I thought only Americans
were called Hank.
[Pause]
Steve: Dave?
Dave: All right! My brother is
American.
[Everyone gasps]
Jane: American?
Dave: Yes.
Steve: Are you…are you…American?
Dave: Uh-huh.
[Everyone gasps again]
Mary: We had no idea.
Dave: Well, I don’t go around
advertising the fact.
Steve: I thought you were born in
Cambridge.
Dave: Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Jane: I can’t believe you are
American.
Dave: I’m still the same me.
Mary: Yeah…yeah, of course you
are.
Jane: Yeah…of course.
Dave: Steve?
Steve: What?
Dave: You okay with this?
Steve:…err…yeah
Mary: It’s just that it is a bit
of shock.
Steve: Yeah…a shock.
Dave: I wanted to tell you
earlier but there was never a good time.
Jane: I wouldn’t have thought
there would ever be a good time to tell someone you are American.
Mary: Yes, it was very brave of
you to tell us. Wasn’t it dear?
Steve: What? Oh, yes…brave.
Dave: Thanks Mary. It’s not easy
being…an American.
Jane: I suppose not everyone is
okay with it?
Dave: No, not everyone.
Mary: Even in this day and age?
Dave: Well, it’s getting better
but some people just hate you.
Jane: Simply because you are
American?
Dave: Yeah.
Mary: People are right bastards.
Dave: It’s not their fault. It
just the same old prejudices that have been handed down generation after
generation.
Jane: I can’t believe you are
defending them.
Dave: I have found that when
faced with hatred the worst thing you can do hate back.
Mary: I don’t know if I could do
that.
[Dave goes over to Steve who has
moved to a corner of the room]
Dave: You okay?
Steve: I’m fine…fine.
Dave: This won’t change a thing.
Steve: No, no…of course not.
Well, at least I can now say that one of my friends is American.
Dave: Yes, yes you can.
“I believe in a vengeful God.”
“Why is that?”
“God created humans, didn’t he?”
“God also created dung-beetles.”
“He has a sense of humour.”
“I suppose that would explain the
platypus.”
“So, do you want to join my
religion?”
“What would I have to do?”
“Nothing.”
“No sort of church service?”
“Nope, I figured God is
everywhere and so you can worship him anywhere you want and at anytime you
want.”
“How do you worship?”
“You don’t.”
“You don’t worship?”
“I figured that God is like this
really powerful thing and so doesn’t need us lowly humans saying how great he
is.”
“What about prayers?”
“Useless, God can’t interfere
with the universe.”
“It’s not much of a religion, is
it?”
“He’s not much of a God.”
“In fact the only thing
separating your religion from atheism is a belief in God.”
“To be honest I am considering
phasing out that belief.”
“So it’s not really a religion at
all.”
“It must be. It ends in ism.”
“Not all isms are religions.”
“Yeah they are it’s just we don’t
call them all religions. Think about it.”
“Do I have too?”
“Not if you join my religion.”
“Okay I’ll give it a go. Where do
I sign?”
“Nowhere. We don’t believe in
signatures.”
“That’s a little unusual.”
“You have to have a gimmick.”
“Yes, yes you do.”
The Garden of Eden
“Was that you or me?”
“Pardon?”
“Who just spoke you or me?”
“Shouldn’t you know that?”
“I get confused as to which one
of us is speaking.”
“It is not hard, we talk
alternatively.”
“Oh, okay. That is fairly
simple.”
“You would think so.”
“So anyway, what was this book
you were telling me about?”
“The Bible.”
“Is it any good?”
“It’s okay.”
“What kind of book is it?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You must know. Is it a whodunit?
I love whodunits.”
“It tells you who did it so it
mustn’t be a whodunit.”
“Well, who did it?”
“Won’t that spoil it for you?”
“Probably but I don’t know if I
will read the Bible.”
“Oh, okay. A character called God
did it.”
“God?”
“Yep.”
“First or last name?”
“Doesn’t say.”
“Probably last name.”
“Why?”
“I can imagine a Mr. God. Hello
Mr. God, nice weather Mr. God, how are the children Mr. God?”
“It could be a nickname.”
“Who has God as a nickname?”
“This guy.”
“It’s definitely not a nickname.”
“How are you so sure?”
“If it was a nickname then it
would be Goddy.”
“I suppose it would.”
“So what does God do?”
“Creates the world.”
“This world?”
“Yep.”
“That was nice of him.”
“That is what I thought.”
“Did he go anything else?”
“He created human beings.”
“Maybe he wasn’t so nice.”
“Well wait until what you hear he
did to them.”
“What did he do?”
“He put them in a garden of
Paradise where they could do whatever they wanted except eat apples from a
particular tree.”
“They weren’t allowed to eat
apples?”
“Nope.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t say.”
“That sounds very mean.”
“I know, these apples sound very
tasty.”
“Fancy saying you are not allowed
to eat apples.”
“Weird, isn’t it?”
“So then what happened?”
“The humans ate the apples.”
“Good for them. What did this God
chap do?”
“Kicked them out.”
“What?”
“Yep, kicked right out.”
“Just for eating the apples?”
“Yep.”
“Didn’t they get a second
chance?”
“Nope.”
“What about due process of law?”
“Nope.”
“He didn’t give them due process
of law?”
“Nope.”
“That is immoral.”
“I know.”
“How can you not give them due
process of law? Who does this guy think he is?”
“Apparently he thinks he is
all-powerful.”
“All-powerful?”
“And all-seeing.”
“Sounds like this guy has a big
ego.”
“Yeah.”
“I would never live in a place
that didn’t have due process of law.”
“Not even Paradise.”
“It wouldn’t be Paradise without
it.”
“I suppose.”
“You suppose? That is one of the
fundamental rights of humanity. We fought for thousands of years to get that
right. People have given up their lives so that aren’t abused by the tyranny of
governments refusing to give its citizens due process of law.”
“You feel very passionate about
due process of law.”
“It is a freedom and I feel very
passionate about freedom.”
“Sounds like you wouldn’t much
like this God chap.”
“I tell you if he was real I
would have some very strong words for him.”
Son of God
Joseph: Hey Mary.
Mary: Hi. How was your day?
J: The usual. One guy wanted a barn but
I had to tell me that we don’t do barns.
M: When are you going to get the
government license for barn building?
J: I haven’t a clue, you know
governments.
M: Yeah.
J: Why?
M: Well, Joseph, I have something to
talk you.
J: What is it?
M: I suppose I better just say it…I’m
pregnant.
J: Pregnant?
M: Yes.
J: How is that possible?
M: Didn’t your mother tell you about
the birds and the bees?
J: Yes she did but…well, we haven’t had
sex.
M: So?
J: Sex is how you make babies.
M: It is?
J: Yes.
M: I thought it was the stork.
J: No, that idea hasn’t been invented
yet.
M: Oh.
J: Anyway only children bought up on
Disney believe that.
M: Disney?
J: Doesn’t matter. So are you sure
you’re pregnant?
M: Yes. The doctor confirmed it.
J: NHS?
M: No, private.
J: Oh, then it must be true. Wait, if
you’re pregnant and we haven’t had sex…okay who is he?
M: Who?
J: The guy you have been sleeping with?
M: I haven’t been sleeping with anyone.
J: What sort of an idiot do you think I
am?
M: I don’t think you’re an idiot
J: You have obviously been sleeping
with someone, who is it?
M: I haven’t slept with anyone!
J: Listen, Mary, it is a simple
equation. Male plus female plus sex equals a child. There is no other way that
the equation works.
M: There is.
J: There is what?
M: Another way.
J: I’m sorry, what?
M: There is another way to have a
child.
J: Are you being serious?
M: Completely.
J: Are you telling me you are pregnant
without having sex?
M: Yes.
J: How the hell would that work?
M: God.
J: More like oh my God.
M: No, God.
J: God?
M: Yes, God.
J: The almighty? The man upstairs? The
creator?
M: That’s the guy.
J: You’re telling me God made you
pregnant?
M: Yes.
J: How would that work?
M: God works in mysterious ways.
J: Mysterious is one thing, this is
another.
M: Listen Joseph, dear, God is the
father, accept it.
J: If God is the father then wouldn’t
that mean it is…
M: The Son of God? Yes.
J: You’re carrying the Son of God?
M: Yes.
J: How do you know it is a son?
M: The archangel Gabriel.
J: Obviously…listen Mary; you haven’t
eaten anymore of those funny mushrooms have you?
M: No.
J: What else did ‘ole Gabby told you?
M: He said we should name the child
Jesus Christ.
J: Jesus Christ!
M: Yes.
J: But Christ means Messiah.
M: I know.
J: Isn’t that like naming a kid, Jesus
Banker. It kind of limits his future career opportunities doesn’t it?
M: God says he will be the Messiah.
J: Well I suppose God only knows. But
wait what about my family name?
M: Sorry, no room.
J: But that name has passed down from
generation to generation.
M: Joseph I don’t want you to take this
the wrong way but your family name sucks.
J: What!
M: It’s nothing personal.
J: How could it not be personal! You
have insulted the Higgingbottom name.
M: Like I’m the only one.
J: Pardon?
M: Nothing.
J: Couldn’t we name him Jesus Christ
Higginbottom?
M: Doesn’t have much of a ring to it.
J: Like Jesus Christ does.
M: It’s certainly a name you would
remember.
J: So is Higginbottom.
M: Yeah but for different reasons.
J: I can’t believe my first born son
won’t bear the family name.
M: I’m sorry but it the will of God.
J: I still don’t believe you about the
whole God is the father thing.
M: What is there to believe?
J: My soon to be wife is pregnant but I
haven’t had sex with her. I think there are grounds for disbelief.
M: Have a little faith Joseph.
J: You said that my brother on the
mountain.
M: Listen God told me he could make it.
J: No one can jump that far.
M: Are you saying God was wrong?
J: He was wrong.
M: Only slightly.
J: Slightly? Try 600 metres.
M: Metres?
J: Romans have forced us to go metric.
M: Damn Romans.
J: Well, what you going to do? What we
need is some sort of leader.
M: Yeah, how about that guy down the
street?
J: Turns out he was insane.
M: Insane? Wouldn’t have thought it.
J: I know he had some good ideas. The
whole turn the other cheek thing that could have caught on.
M: I don’t know about that.
J: What is wrong with it?
M: It’s a little impractical.
J: How?
M: Well, if someone slaps me then I going
to slap them right back.
J: Maybe he didn’t mean it literally?
M: How could he not mean it literally?
J: It could be a metaphor for the
struggle of life.
M: No it couldn’t.
J: Yeah, you’re right. No wonder he was
insane. Man I’m so tired, I’m just going to go for a little kip.
M: No Joseph! Wait!
J: Mary, whose underpants are those?
M: Yeah…I can explain them. It is not
what it looks like.
Author’s
note: All characters portrayed are not based on anyone living or dead, any
similarities are purely coincidental except for the ones that are intended for
their comedic effect. Thank you…please don’t sue me.
POTUS
Key
POTUS = President of the United
States
COS = Chief of Staff
PM = Prime Minister
United Kingdom = Greatest country
in the world
POTUS: Hey you!
Assistant: Me sir?
POTUS: Yeah, you. Who is the
President of the United States of America?
Assistant: You sir.
POTUS: Damn straight!
[Assistant leaves and another one
enters]
POTUS: Hey you!
Assistant: Me sir?
POTUS: Yeah, you. Who is the
President of the United States of America?
Assistant: You sir.
POTUS: Damn straight!
[Assistant leaves]
POTUS: Hey you!
COS: Sir, we have a problem.
POTUS: What is it?
COS: It seems that someone has
stolen the F-19 Stealth bomber from you-know-what in you-know-where.
POTUS: Do we know whom?
COS: We think it might have been
the British.
POTUS: The British?
COS: Yes sir.
POTUS: Aren’t they one of our
allies?
COS: Yes sir.
POTUS: Why would they steal our
stealth bomber?
COS: We don’t know, sir.
POTUS: What should I do?
COS: I suggest you call the
British Prime Minister.
POTUS: Good idea. [Looks around]
COS: Here’s the phone, sir.
POTUS: What’s the number?
COS: You just press the button
that says United Kingdom, sir.
POTUS: Ahh, excellent. [Looks at
the phone]
COS: This one sir. [Presses
button]
POTUS: Hello, is this the United
Kingdom? I am the President of the United States I wish to speak to… [Puts hand
over the phone] Who do I wish to speak too?
COS: The Prime Minister.
POTUS: Shouldn’t I be speaking to
their President.
COS: Sir, we have been over this.
They don’t have a President. They are a constitutional monarchy. They have a
Queen and a Prime Minister.
POTUS: Oh yeah. [Takes hand off
phone] I would like to speak to the Prime Minister. [Hand over the phone] They
are putting me through.
COS: What song are they playing?
POTUS: God Save the Queen…by the
Sex Pistols.
COS: Good song.
POTUS: Yeah, but I don’t get the
part where…oh hello Mrs. Prime Minister.
COS: Mister.
POTUS: [Hand over the phone]
what?
COS: Mister Prime Minister not
missus.
POTUS: Are you sure?
COS: Yes, sir.
POTUS: [Takes hand off phone]
Hello Mister Prime Minister.
PM: Hello Mr. President, what can
I do for you today?
POTUS: It seems that one of our
stealth bombers is missing.
PM: Really? Is that the big black
plane?
POTUS: Just a minute. [Hand over
the phone] Is it the big black plane?
COS: Yes, sir.
POTUS: [Hand off phone] Yes,
that’s the one.
PM: And you say it is stolen?
POTUS: Yes.
PM: Who would do something like
that?
POTUS: Well according to our
reports it was you.
PM: Us?
POTUS: Yes.
PM: Are you accusing me of
plotting a massive military operation to break into one of your top secret
airforce bases and steal the most secretive aeroplane in the world to be bought
back to England for intensive study?
POTUS: Err…yes?
PM: I don’t know what you are
talking. We British are not thieves and we do not like being called thieves.
POTUS: Yes I understand that
but…just a minute. [Hand over the phone] What is this?
COS: It is satellite photos
showing the stealth bomber being stolen, systemically dismantled, being placed
aboard a Concorde and flown back to England.
POTUS: [Hand off the phone] Mr.
Prime Minister I have just been given evidence showing that the stealth bomber
was placed aboard a Concorde.
PM: That doesn’t mean it was us.
It could have been the French.
POTUS: And that Concorde was
flown to England.
PM: Yes, well, I can explain
that.
POTUS: Yes?
PM: You see we do have a stealth
bomber that fits your description.
POTUS: So you did steal it?
PM: No! We err… found it.
POTUS: You found it?
PM: Yes that’s it. We found it.
We didn’t know it was yours we thought someone had abandoned it.
POTUS: Where did you find it?
PM: Area 52.
POTUS: The high-level, top-secret
American airforce base, area 52?
PM: Yes that’s the one.
POTUS: And you just happened to
find a stealth bomber in area 52?
PM: Yep.
POTUS: Just a minute. [Hand on
phone] He says they just found it.
COS: Found it?
POTUS: Yep.
COS: Sir, I think they might be
lying to you.
POTUS: Lying?
COS: Yes, sir.
POTUS: I don’t understand. What
is lying?
COS: It is where you purposely
don’t tell the truth so that you get your way.
POTUS: Oh you mean campaigning.
COS: Err…yes, sir.
POTUS: [Hand on phone] Are you
lying to me?
PM: Lying? What is that?
POTUS: Campaigning.
PM: Oh, well, err… yes.
POTUS: So, you didn’t find it?
PM: No.
POTUS: How did you get it then?
PM: We were, err… given it.
POTUS: Given it?
PM: Yes, given it. We asked your
military if we could have a stealth bomber and they said yes.
POTUS: [Hand on phone] He says
they were given it.
[COS shakes his head]
POTUS: [Hand off phone] we have
no record of that.
PM: Oh. Okay, we bought it.
POTUS: [Hand on phone] bought it?
[COS shakes his head]
POTUS: [Hand off phone] Nope.
PM: Okay to tell you the truth we
stole it.
POTUS: But why?
PM: Does it really matter?
POTUS: I don’t know the reader of
this might want to know. They are probably expecting some kind of punch-line.
PM: Yeah but I don’t really care
about the reader, do you?
POTUS: No, I suppose not.
PM: Shall we end it here just to
piss them off?
POTUS: Okay.
President of the United States of
America Mark II
POTUS: Damn it! I don’t care what you
think we are doing it my way!
COS: Yes sir, now onto matters of
state.
POTUS: Matters of what?
COS: State, sir.
POTUS: You lost me.
COS: It means stuff about running the
country.
POTUS: Which country?
COS: America.
POTUS: America?
COS: The United States of America, the
country that elected you their President.
POTUS: Elected me what now?
COS: Okay shall I get the diagrams
again sir?
POTUS: Dia-what?
COS: Forget it sir, I’ll get the
Vice-President.
POTUS: I thought you said I was
President. Who is this Vince guy?
COS: Vice, sir, not Vince.
POTUS: Vice as in bad stuff.
COS: No vice as in the one below.
POTUS: So this Vince guy is one below
me.
COS: Yes, sir.
POTUS: What does he do?
COS: Nothing really.
POTUS: And why am I not doing that job?
COS: Because you wanted to run the
country.
POTUS: Did I?
COS: Yes, sir. You spent a whole year
telling everyone that.
POTUS: Funny, I don’t remember that.
Are you sure I did that?
COS: Pretty sure, sir.
POTUS: Okay I’ll take your word for it.
So what am I doing today?
COS: Well you were going to a budget
meeting.
POTUS: I don’t need to budget. I have
lots of money.
COS: I know sir, you keep telling me.
But it is not that kind of budget meeting. In this one you decide how much
money the government is going to spend and where that money is going to come
from.
POTUS: Oh. And what do I want the
government to spend money on?
COS: It is all in the brief, sir.
POTUS: Excellent.
COS: Shall I point out which one is the
brief?
POTUS: Please.
COS: That one.
POTUS: I thought that was cartoon
section of the newspaper.
COS: No it’s definitely the budget,
sir.
POTUS: No wonder I didn’t get it.
COS: Oh wait you mean that one. Oh,
that’s the cartoon, I was pointing to that one.
POTUS: Hey what does Missile Defence
mean?
COS: Pardon me, sir?
POTUS: Under Missile Defence there is a
really high figure I was just wondering what it meant.
COS: That is for the research and
development of an integrated system for protecting America from missiles
launched by Rogue nations.
POTUS: Uh-huh.
COS: Do you want to explain further,
sir?
POTUS: Yes.
COS: There are some very evil countries
in the world and they have these really powerful missiles. Now at the moment
there is no way of stopping these missiles from hitting America but the missile
defence system would mean that the missiles could be destroyed by other
missiles before they hit. Understand?
POTUS: Err…yes. So who are these evil
countries?
COS: Iraq, North Korea, France, Syria,
Canada and Iran.
POTUS: You said Iran twice.
COS: No I said Iraq and Iran.
POTUS: You did it again.
COS: No, sir. Iraq and Iran, they are
two different countries.
POTUS: Then why do they have the same
name?
COS: They don’t.
POTUS: Then why are calling both of
them Iran?
COS: Sir, do you have a cold at the
moment?
POTUS: Yes why?
COS: It appears as if you are hearing
qs as ns.
POTUS: Is that bad?
COS: Only if we go to war in the next
few days.
[Red light starts flashing]
POTUS: What does that mean?
COS: We have gone to war.
POTUS: Who is attacking us?
COS: France.
POTUS: Why?
COS: We seem to have nuked Paris.
POTUS: Did we mean to do that?
COS: It is hard to tell. Apparently
someone in a missile silo was playing a prank and convinced one of the
operators that France was threatening to send over a plague of French bread.
POTUS: A plague of French bread?
COS: Yes, sir.
POTUS: And he fired a missile?
COS: No, he sent an angry email to the
Pentagon suggesting that we attack France in response.
POTUS: And they fired the missile?
COS: Yes. It seems that there was a
computer gitch in the Pentagon meaning that every email they received appeared
as if you sent it.
POTUS: So we attacked France based on
an email.
COS: They also joined thirty-three porn
sites and entered a competition for a week on a pacific island.
POTUS: If they win, can I go?
COS: Sir, I think we have more pressing
matters. France is preparing a retaliatory strike against four of our major
cities.
POTUS: That sounds bad. What should I
do?
COS: You must call the President of
France and use all your powers as a diplomat to somehow prevent…sir, give me
the tennis ball.
POTUS: Aww…
COS: Okay, here is the President.
POTUS: I know I am here.
COS: I was talking about the French
President.
POTUS: He is here as well?
COS: No, it is on the phone.
POTUS: Why isn’t he on a chair?
COS: Just talk into this, sir.
POTUS: Hello?
President of France (POF): ‘Ello.
POTUS: Are you the President of France?
POF: Yes. Are you the President of the
United States?
POTUS: Yes.
[Silence]
POTUS: So, how are you doing.
POF: Fine, fine, and you?
POTUS: Good. It seems as if we have
accidentally nuked Paris.
POF: Yes, I am aware of that.
POTUS: Yeah, sorry about that.
POF: Think nothing of it.
POTUS: You aren’t mad?
POF: No.
POTUS: So, you’re not going to attack
us?
POF: Of course not.
POTUS: Can I ask why not?
POF: Yes you can.
POTUS: Why not?
POF: Well, you see, we told the French
public that it was the English not the Americans who were responsible.
POTUS: And why did you do that?
POF: I don’t know really. It was kind
of a spur of the moment decision.
POTUS: I know about them. Just today I
had to choose between Frosted Flakes and Frosties.
POF: What did you choose?
POTUS: I haven’t yet.
[Screen starts to fade]
POTUS: Hey the screen is starting to
fade.
POF: Yeah that happens when the writer
can’t think of a decent way to end this.
POTUS: Oh that happened to me before.
POF: What did you do?
POTUS: We just ended without
explanation.
POF: Good idea.