STEVE STICKFIGURE- Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is. He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc. Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a rep. It's to bad Steve weighs 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains included.
THE PEC-DECK POSSE- They generally move in groups of five, so beware!! No one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter their circle!! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.
CARLA COROLLA- Carla is quite the legend! No one has bigger balls than Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can recognize her by the 1/2 inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out the divots. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla than runs forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next...forever!
ANNA DROL- Anna is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the dudes in the gym, and has sexual organs longer than a footlong hot dog. Her voice sounds like Tone Loc when she asks for a spot, and stretch marks accross her pecs that would rival the hardest core lifter. After her workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey wearing a mini skirt...Stretch really digs this chick!
BILL FLOODGATE- Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use caution when approaching him!
RANDY RATCHETJAW- This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours, greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble from that wadgobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill Floodgate needs a spot...Heh heh heh!
LITTLE COUSIN BOBBY- This is the slightly(mentally) challenged guy who works the front desk. Bobby is VERY intense, and generally foams at the mouth when you forget your membership card. DO NOT make Bobby mad!
AUNT BEE- Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a waif of perfume vapor that lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen her....Never discuss a recipe with this broad!!
THE BENCH BUNCH- I don't need to go into this to much. They are three guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all the way around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns!
CANDY CARDIOBUNNY- The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts weights because she doesn't want to look " Bulky " . Candy can be identified simply because she looks as though she could hang glide from a Dorito Chip!
BEN BACKINTHEDAY- Ben's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises, and training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Ben suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no cure. Around the gym it's known as Exageratted Lat Syndrom, which forces the afflicted to walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the impression of huge, Coleman-like lats. Wide-grip chins have been reported to reduce the effects of this grossly deforming disease.
BUNNY SPANDEX- Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop workouts, make older men act 18, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole! She wears the latest " Show me everything " attire, blonde hair, perky breasts, and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!
ARNOLD ROIDHEAD- No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to imense proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.
GARY GOATFARMER- Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. Comes in straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots, dirty jeans, and removes his flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt to work out in. Gary can simply clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for Gary, but it has been reputed that soap may reduce the after burner qualities he has!
WILLIE WIFEBEATER- They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts, pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body peircings spread out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains uknown at this point.
LARRY LOCKERROOM- Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no one knows for sure. Larry, after his workout, likes to spend at least an hour in the locker room naked, prancing around with elephant like wrinkles, and more chins than a Chinese Resturant. He will use the blow dryer to dry private parts of his body, and feels no shame at striking up a conversation with you at this point in time. I think my training partner Stretch has the best cure for this. He calls it ABC!! Absolute Bowel Control, as he puts it, his squat hardned ass doesn't hit porcelin until Larry has cleared the locker room. I feel this is sound advice and should be followed at all times.
FRED FITNESSTRAINER- Fred has all the certifications, and has passed all the written requirements, he just seemed to forget the physical ones. Usually can be seen with 2 to 3 others built like him, and can be heard telling them what everyone is doing wrong. This of course is bewteen bites from his Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet he has been training for, for the last 12 years. Need training? Submit application to Stretch or myself, photo's must be included.
JIMMY CHIA-PET- Jimmy can make the most hard core lifters shudder! He seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is straight from the jungles of Bangledash!! Very tight onion-skin running shorts left over from the mid 80's, and nipple showing lifting tee's straight from any hard core BB magazine, and with no socks or shoes, Jimmy is awe inspiring!! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of his troll like body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean shaved, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your gym, see the movie Lord of the Rings, he had several parts in that flick I've been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.
GREG GORILLABOY- Greg works out alone, and is the oppisite of the Benchbunch gang. Greg has very short legs, but his arms drag the gound. Greg can be identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't scrape the carpet. Never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's pants must be special ordered from K-mart.
THE GERBIL- " SHUDDER " I'd rather not go into this, but he's the guy that hides back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. Looks like Hannible Lecter, and talks with a lisp. Never make eye contact with him, act like he's not there. Avoid at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3 foot plot of ground in his back yard!!
SALLY SPREADLEGS- She comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers. Never works out, and can ruin a good workout with one Pall Mall voiced sentence. Has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving by the eight children she has in tow. Avoid at all costs, or your gym carrer is over!
KENNY KNOWSTHEMALL- Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, " Ronnie told me " or the famous, " Flex has said many times " and lest we not forget " King Kamali and I did " These types generally cannot distinguish between fantasy land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot enter any bodybuilding function due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on your physique level, you may wish to avoid, usually gives sound advice to Arnold Roidhead.
MARK MrO- Marks been training for the Mr. O for many years, very much like Stretch and myself. And Mark is the first to let you know he's going this year, of course we did as well, but our tickets had better seats than his did. Harmless, but can be irritating.
PETER POPAZIT- This gym wonder forgot side effects of steroids and has a roadmap atlas of zits accross his back and chest. He gets his name due to the popping noise his zits make when doing heavy bench and bent over rows...For safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working around Peter!
CARLY CAMELTOE- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout protion of her day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....Although Stretch and I enjoy her presence very much I must add!!
HARLOD HOCKEYSTICKS- The upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Upper body is flawlees in every respect, and actually seems to be a nice guy in a way. Wears nice baggies to workout in, decent shoes, good form, what else could you want. When you see him at the beach is when the shock sets in, Harold never works legs, and in the tight swim suit he's wearing his legs look like hockey sticks, or perhaps he's riding a chicken...Stretch and I are undecided at thias point though.
THE HALF-REP GURUGODS- A must for every gym, and not complete without them. Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! I must admit Stretch and I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead(a hardcore habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they precieve it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!
HAL HALITOSIS- AVOID at all costs. Hal's diet consists of shitburgers for every meal, and his breath reeks of their after effects. If you're caught unaware and he starts a conversation with you, Stretch has the best advice. Take deep breath, turn face to the side, and close one eye, as Stretch puts it, " It's better to be blind in one eye than both eyes! " Truly a nightmare.
DEREK DRUNKGUY- Gibbering to himself, covered in filth, eating his own toenail clippings, curling in the squat rack. There's no end to his perversions!
THE SUPERHERO GANG- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!
ANGIE DIMPLEKNEES- The self proclaimed Oreo-Cookie Queen of Bodybuilding. Easily spotted due to the fact you'd have to roll her in flour to find a wet spot. She appears out of hibernation January 2nd, but her life is short lived and returns to hibernation Febuary 3rd for another year. Harmless, but a GREAT cook!!
SPOT PUMPKINHEAD- Rather small High School kid with a head so big, it looks like his neck is trying to blow a bubble. He rushes from member to member giving a spot and advice whether it's needed or not. Very irritating, but Stretch cures this snapper-head with a simple growl....Works wonders!!
Stretch and I have tried to cover all the various characters we have seen in our many travels. I know we can in no way cover them all, but we've tried. Please use caution in your gym should you come in contact with one, or several of these types....
HENRY HANGNUTS- he's the old fart that hangs around naked for like a half hour in the lockeroom, proudly displaying his nuts hang further than his dick...As some stated above, beware, for Henry loves to strike up a conversation about anything in order to get you to see his little package.......
RAINMAN- actually Rainman is a nice guy but he can't stand shit unorginized, so he straightens all the dumbbells in their proper order, unloads bars people have left behind, etc. Note, he is not employed by the gym he just can't stand a messy place...
He also has an annoying habit of talking to you in the middle of a set...
TED BUNDY- he's the serial killer looking motherfucker, who usually works as a prison guard or something similar. He can be seen squeezing an occasional zit in the gym mirror, or doing strange never before scene movements on the cables...Keep your eye on Ted, he's a treat.....
FRED THE FOLLOWER- He's the little weirdo you see following you around doing the exact same workout only 2 stations behind you. He hasn't the balls to come over and ask you something but he beleives that doing as you do will somehow propell his body into yours...Not quite Fred, you need the other peices of the puzzle in place..Watch out for Fred, he could become a problem one day when you're not in a good mood...
SANDY SADDLEBAGS- This is the 30 something broad with cellulite that would fill a dairy isle cottage cheese section. She doesn't mind though, it won't stop her from wearing those tiny spandex shorts...Sometimes if you get on a machine after her you'll notice a small "snail track" on the seat, don't be alarmed, it's just a little something she forgot to wipe up...Yuck!
JOHNNY SPANDO - He likes full body spandex suits. He also like to walk around pretending he doesnt have a huge gut.
GODZILLA - Huge (tall) Japanese guy who does the worst workouts ever and never gets bigger. Runs from station to station.
CELLY CELL - Wont stop talking on his phone. Likes to talk at astounding volumes.
THE CROW - Looks like Brandon Lee in The Crow when he works out.
THAT'S A HUGE BITCH- This very attractive women who is about 6'4" And towers over everyone.
DON JUAN VAGINA- - A personal trainer who has no muscle and just talks to his female clients for the entire session. And he is always about 3 inches from their faces.
BILLY "BADASS" SLAPDICK -No muscle pusssy who always wears Under Armour spandex shirts to accentuate his lack of pipes.
In this one health club I go to train a client.In the bathroom the norm is to walk around and chat with the other guys butt naked.You see they even blowdry their hair and ball naked.This is not a gay club jit is a regular heath club.
I don't get it.I have been around gyms all my life. I have never seen this kind of behavior before and in Texas too.
Who the f*** started this anyway I would like to know. And it seems that when I enter the locker room,I find a small corner,where no one is and as soon as I pull off my pants, BOOM, there is a guy next to me wanting to get into the locker in front of me.DAMN!!!EVERY F****** TIME!!!
SHELLY AND SAM SAME OLD- No Matter what time of day or what day of the week, you always see these gymgoers wearing the same clothes.
WANDA WONDERBUILT- She looks a lot like Bunny Spandex, but when you see her workout, you wonder how in the fuck she can keep that body she's got. Oh well, Bulimia will never die.
IGNA IMPLANTS- is a version of Bunny and Wanda, but she wears a swimsuit top or toddlers sportsbra to show off her $5000 pair of tits that look so hard and never move that you just have to give her a 'goddamn are you stupid' look whenever you can. Stare her down and make her feel like the slut she is wanting to be!
PETER AND PENNY PIG- Hope you guys have good enough radar to pick out the pigs in your gym! They are generally the talkers and scanners and workout about as much as the wifebeater clan.
TINA TAKEAPEEK- The chick that more or less follows the good looking guys around or is nearby their workout and you catch her taking a view of your crotch more than once during a workout. Interesting, but don't know if it's (she's) always good to have around.
LESTER LEGPRESS- This is the guy that you dread to see when you want to use anything, but especially the leg machine. It's gonna take him a half hour to put on the wts and take them off with his 5 minute rests between his quarter presss with his hands on his knees. You know you see him because when you do you just say, 'Awe fuck!' and try and find something else to do or you go set your stuff down beside him and ask him how many he has left in the middle of a set. HAHA!
GINNY AND GINA GIGGLES- The homely high school girls who come in and look about in a dumbfound manner and do a couple 'events' while giggling idiotically the entire time. It's great to think about how stupid they will feel, perhaps that night, when they realize what it woulda be like to look more closely at the kinda a meat they just made a total ass of themselves in front of!
SINGING SALLY AND SAM- The total dumbfucks who are totally tone deaf, but sing to their headphones as if nobody can hear them! To fuck with them, if you hear them, run up in front of their station and start to gyrate your hips in a bump and grind manner because they singin is so on!
MONTY MUMBLES- The inbred family member of the morons above. He wears his wife beater and his headphones and talks to himself loudly and incoherently like nobody can hear how stupid he is.
THE SUNNY SIDESTRIPE SKUNKS- These are the dumbfucks who are brown and red with a big white stripe somewhere on their body from where they forgot to turnover while in the tanning bed with the new bulbs.
JOHNNY MIRROR- who cannot have a conversation, a walk to the water fountain, or at any time walk parallel to mirrors without glancing at his massively pumped 13 inch arm in the mirror----he is usually part of the williewifebeater crew....he is usually the guy doing weird flexes after his set, checking out 13 inches of veiny, striated, pipecleaners of fury. He will talk to someone--and say 4 words (glance at the mirror) say 4 more words (glance at the mirror)and on and on.
CHEST GUY-everytime you see him, he's working chest. Watch out. He might switch it up one in a while and do shoulder press or curls. For this reason don't bet more than you can afford to lose on him. He thinks he's the biggest guy in the gym. He is... the biggest fag.
Bwaaaaaahh!.
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