| You're probably wondering: "who the fuck starred in this movie?" or "why the fuck haven't I heard of this movie." These are pretty standard questions, considering the film's extremely cocky title. Honestly, who is so bold as to title their film "Ninja Wars" except the Japanese. You read right. Ah...the Japanese, how we love them. Skilled in a lot of seriously-fucking-cool stuff like video games, manga, and anime, how can you help but want to be Japanese? Well, let me be the first to tell you that their selection of movies is certainly lacking. And don't get me started on the titles of their films, as "Super Fun Fighting Movie!" would not be considered completely ridiculous in The Land of the Rising Sun. Wait. Wasn't I supposed to be like, reviewing something? Oh yeah, "Ninja Wars." I'm sure you've heard of ninjas. You most likely love them, as do I and everyone else I know. But if you jump in to this movie expecting to see black jump suits and ninja stars, well, you'll get that. Expecting wierd demon people? You'll get that to. And even if for some reason you expect to see naked, fat, Japansese women, you won't be disappointed. So...if you're like Dave, you probably shat yourself after hearing the movie's high-points. Fuck, Dave shat himself after reading the title. But that's Dave, who's level of ninja-love messes with the line between hetero and homo. "Ninja Wars" doesn't fuck around. It starts off with a war, quite possibly including ninjas. You soon learn of a princess, eligible for marriage, who's elopification (shut up) will gain you instant dictation of Japan. So, of course, the typical greedy, rich, ruler guy wants to do it. But, wait, he's one ugly mother fucker. He needs The Secret Aphrodesiac, which is capable of seducing any woman. What happens next? Uhm...as far as I can remember, about 6 too many plot twists, an assload of ninja action, and some things you wouldn't be astonished to see in a Japanese film. Let's not kid ourselves here. If you love ninjas, fat naked women, and bad acting, then this is your movie. If you don't, go read the "Road to Perdition" review. |
