| I don't like talking about myself. I'm a procrastinator, but I always have something to do tomorrow. I'm a loner, but I save money on phone calls. I never set goals, I like surprises. I'm a poor dresser, but it helps because people give me money thinking i'm a bum. I have a receding hair-line, but I get more for my money down at the Tan-o-rama. I was terrible in school. I remember in junior high, coming home from school all depressed. My Mom asked me what was wrong. I told her I was upset because I had no friends at school. She told me to just be myself like I was around the house. People would like me. The next day she had to come pick me up from school early because I had been suspended for peeing out of a window, and walking around in my underwear. |
| I love to channel surf. However, I only pick up two channels. The other forty-eight channels I flip through are just blue screens. Somehow it still satisfies me. All I have for an antenna is a clothes hanger with some aluminum foil wrapped around one end. If someone two blocks over turns on a hair dryer, my reception is screwed. On a quiet, cold night I can sometimes pick up someones baby monitor. All I hear is a little baby crying, moaning, and farting. Its cute. I was thinking of getting cable, but then I realized that I don't have any neighbors close enough to steal it from. I also don't have a remote. Well, except for the nights I baby-sit. |
| I like reading the back cover of books because I like to read about the author. Find out what he's been up to, what he looks like, and if he has any other books available. Why do they always want you to know who his roommates are? "Bob now lives in Palm Beach where he resides with his family." or "Delores grew up in Michigan, but now resides in Florida with her husband, two daughters and a dog named Peanut." Just once I'd like to read one that says,"Dick, the son of a wealthy businessman, grew up in West Virginia. After graduating at the top of his class in high school, he attended Harvard University where he required a degree in Journalism, and also a degree in Literature. After blowing all the money he made from this book on crack, he now resides in the New York subway system with whomever will give him his next hit of smack. Be sure to look for his new book titled '101 Uses for a Hefty Cinch Sak." |
| I hate it when I hear a woman say,..."I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned." You're not big-boned, you're just FAT!! Bigfoot is big-boned! You're just FAT! Eat a banana instead of a Big Mac. Do a sit-up. |
| Its amazing to me that everyone has the option of marriage. Why? Because there are some really ugly people out there. I mean, really, really ugly. And they're married! How did this happen? Can you say chemical dependency? I saw a lady, wait, no, I saw a woman the other day. Has to be the ugliest woman in Mississippi. Seriously. She weighed about four hundred pounds. She had four hairs on her head. Not four clumps of hair. Four individual long, black hairs.I assume they were long, she had them in curlers. She had no teeth, and all of her fingernails were black. Not painted black, just black. She had her pants on backwards. Not because she didn't know any better, but because she had more fat in the front, than she did in the back. I don't know how in the world she has sex with all that fat in the front. She has to be on a knee at some point. And, I know you think its sick of me to even be thinking of her in that way, but she was just one of those people. You know, so damn ugly, you can't stop yourself from imagining them having sex. It's like when you're fllipping through television channels, you'll go through a hundred channels, and then all of a sudden, you'll see two hippos screwing on the Discovery channel. You immediately put the remote down. The thing that blew me away about her was that she was wearing a wedding band. WHAT? Are you serious? How? Did some guy's truck break down one night right in front of her house? He went to use her phone, she offers him a drink. Then two drinks, because the tow truck is late. The next day, he wakes up married to Bertha. Ceremony done by her father, who happens to be the local Baptist minister, her maid of honor, the cat and of course, his best man, the tow truck driver. (who strange enough, was wearing a tuxedo) |
| Yes, You guessed it, More Crap |
| I hear people all the time saying, "We were so poor when I was growing up, all we ever ate was bologna sandwiches." Wow, you had bologna? If we ever wanted meat on our sandwiches, we had to go look under a log for some crickets. Don't get me wrong, we weren't really that poor. We were just on a strict "budget". Whenever someone says they're on a budget, it means, "I'm poor." Want to go the ballgame? "Nope, I'm on a budget." or, no, I don't have any money. I'm not poor, but I do like to save money however I can. I like to eat a lot of Chef Boyardee. Especially the beefaroni. I don't eat it because its all I can afford. I just like the picture of the old chef guy on the can. He looks like a really good chef, he has the hat and everything. And that makes me feel good. |
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