A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night, she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ....I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox, the
cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father.......I'm very sorry.......We did everything we
could........But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't know kid..there are so many places they can
hide."

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror....I feel like throwing up. What's wrong
with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."