From the "I wrote these not David Letterman" dept

TOP TEN LISTS

TOP TEN SIGHNS YOU ARE VERY DUMB

10. When you are on the phone, you wave goodbye before you hang up.

9. You can't figure out why every time you dust your house, the duster keeps
meowing.

8. You got arrested because they told you to take a seat and you ran home
with it.

7. A repairman tells you next time your radio doesn't work, turn it on.

6. Rednecks and blondes make dumb jokes about you instead.

5. When invited to a play, you bring a remote control with you in case it
really sucks.

4. You stopped watching "Saturday Night Live" and "Monday Night football"
because it's not only too intellectual, but it's tough to remember what
night it's on.

3. Your'e not offended by "I'm with stupid" T-shirts because you can't read
that well.

2. You don't want your skateboard stolen, so you put the club on it.

1. You had problems predicting which number came next.

TOP TEN EXOTIC COFFEE FLAVORS

10. Snapplecino.

9. Peaches and cream and sugar.

8. Espresso spaghettios.

7. Cinnamon Salmonella.

6. Cafe latte flambe.

5. Creme de menthols.

4. Mocha Viagra.

3. Mountain grown dew.

2. French Vanilla tickler.

1. Java Nagila. (EVERYBODY! Java Nagila! Java Nagila..........)

TOP TEN WINTER OLYMPIC EVENTS THAT WERE BANNED

10. International snowball fights.

9. Syncronized angel-in-the-snow making.

8. Blindfolded downhill skiing.

7. Playing chicken with bobsleds on a cliff.

6. Naked water polo. (In ten degree below water.)

5. Full contact ice skating with baseball bats.

4. The fruit flavored icicle eating contest.

3. Bumper cars with snowplows.

2. Dead polar bear lifting.

1. X-rated snowman making in 60 seconds.

TOP TEN 21st CENTURY PREDICTIONS I MADE IN 1999.

10. All forms of cancer will mutate and become household pets.

9. The Kelloggs company will have a new cereal called "Special Y2K."

8. The President of the U.S.A. will be Bill Gates and the V.P. will be a
robot designed by Microsoft.

7. Twentieth Century fox will be forced to change their name.

6. Sex will be so unsafe, you will only be able to do it in space with a
full-body rubber suit on.

5. We will run low on hurricane names and be forced to call them goofy names
like Fergie, Buffy, Mac daddy, or Dilbert.

4. Disco music will die again and return in the 22nd century.

3. Losig weight will be easier when they come out with "Virtual food."

2. Doctors and scientists will find a cure for the common cold, which is
scary because one of them will be Dr. Kevorkian.

1. Monica Lewinsky will get married and catch her husband in bed with
someone from the Royal family in England.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DRINK WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE

10. Juan Valdez is beginning to have visions of you.

9. Your new nickname at work is "The trembler."

8. Your wife calls you "sugar" and you call her "cream."

7. Your doctor has trouble figuring how you managed to drink enough coffee in one lifetime and live.

6. One day, you decide to stop going to the local coffee place where you normally hang out and it closes a week later.

5. Whenever you pass gas, it sounds like a cappucino machine.

4. You named your children "regular" and "decaf".

3. When your'e in the coffee aisle at the store, you could swear that you hear a talking coffee can calling your name.

2. As you nestle all snug in your bed, you have visions of coffee beans dancing in your head.

1. Your blood type is Sanka.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR'E AN ALCOHOLIC

10. You not only have drinking buddies, but people who hold your head over the toilet for you.

9. You can't breathe over an open flame because it's considered a fire hazard.

8. The Irish have drinking songs about you.

7. Complete strangers in bars make bets to see how much longer until you pass out.

6. You know exactly how many six-packs fit in the trunk of your car.

5. You don't think a cocktail party after an AA meeting is a stupid idea.

4. Your blood type is 120 proof.

3. Your'e always late for the AA meeting because you need more time to sober up.

2. The only thing that gives you road rage is being chosen the designated driver.

1. Your favorite barmaid welcomes you with an open smile and a bucket.____________________________________________________________________________________