tMY BELATED BIO
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This is my official biography. I wrote it myself. Which is a good thing, because chances are, if someone else wrote this it would be full of things that aren't true. I admit, it's a little sarcastic, but hey! What do you expect? I can only imagine how upset I'd be if it turned out that this whole page was loaded with horrible things about me and it was all made up stuff. I really don't look forward to having nothing but angry e-mail and death threats from people I don't know from around the world. Not to mention strangers coming up to me yelling obscenities and throwing garbage in my direction. I get enough of that as is. And who wants close friends and family members turning on you at the expense of the world wide web? I don't. That's why I had to do this myself, folks. I have no one to blame but myself, and I can sleep easier. So remember, if someone is going to write something bad about you, make sure it's nobody but you. Enjoy!
One more thing.........I hope you don't hate this picture of me as much as I do. Eeeeeeeecccchh!
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NAME: Dan Diaz. (what else?)
OTHER NAMES I'VE GONE BY: Spazzo the Clown, Dan the Hungry Juggler & Mr. Cane. (Marvelously Rehearsed, Creative, And, Nicely Executed.)
BIRTHPLACE: Ithaca, NY.(pronounced Ith-uh-kuh.)
HEIGHT: Not enough to see over people's heads in movie theater's.
WEIGHT: Not yet worth it in gold.
AGE: 07-06-73. It's a state of mind, really. Unfortunately, it's also a state of senility.
RESIDENCE: "Somewhere in Tampa Bay."
SSC NUMBER: "How dumb do you think I am?"
ATM CARD NO: "I'm not falling for that again!"
MARITAL STATUS: It oughta change once the chicks start to log on to this.
OCCUPATION: Professional struggling artist.
LIFE'S GOALS: To spend the rest of my life entertaining the world without ever becoming some washed up, no-good hack.And make some money while I'm at it. I don't care much for fame, just success, prosperity, inner peace, contentment, and all that other down-to-earth nonsense.
TALENTS: In no particular order. Juggling, balloon animals, acting, poetry, writing, comedy, and annoying people.
ROLE MODELS: None. Role models are for suckers and malcontents. You should be your own.
PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE: Al Franken, Stephen King, Jeff Goldblum, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Marc Anthony, and others that I'm told.
PLACES I'VE PERFORMED: "Here and there in Tampa bay." Some places include The Renaissance Festival, Gulfport Casino, Mother's Milk coffeehouse, Limey's, Jannus Landing, the USF campus, The State Theatre and others.
FAVORITE DRINK: Bahama Mamas. I learned about them in the Bahamas, too. They're as fun to drink as they are to say.Orange juice is my favorite non-alcoholic drink.
FAVORITE ACTOR: Bugs Bunny. He can put on any disguise, improvise a character, and fool anyone who's out to get him into thinking that it really isn't him underneath. Such range and versatility!
FAVORITE LIE: "I'm related to/married to Cameron Diaz." I once wrote a letter to Entertainment Weekly magazine and told them I had a distant relative named Cameron and asked if they could find out if it was really her or not. They replied with a thank you note. Personally, I think it was their way of saying "Nice try smart aleck. Now quit bugging us."
FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS: It's all the same to me. As far as I'm concerned, sports are meant to be played, not watched on TV. The less sports you watch, the less likely you'll turn into a de-evolved pre-historic ogre with a small brain, a loud mouth, a beer belly, and a tendency to pay more attention to the TV than your spouse. No matter what happens in sports, life goes on and it doesn't matter. It's also pointless to go out in public with face and body paint on if your'e not a professional clown.All you're proving to the world is that you have way too much time on your hands.
STRANGEST THING EATEN: One night when I was asleep, a baby cockroach crawled into my mouth. As soon as I became conscious and aware of what happened, I swallowed it. I went back to bed with my pillow in my mouth.
TURN ONS: Any facial expression or body language that says "Come and get it."
TURN OFFS: Not a lot. I tend to keep my distance from any woman who either has a ring, looks like a skank, or might bring me jail time. I also don't care to be flirting with a woman for ten minutes only to hear a male voice saying "Get the hell out of here, she's mine." "Sorry King Kong, I didn't know."
FAVORITE MUSIC: I like a music act that not only plays instruments, but also writes and composes their own stuff. Being a rocker, these are my standards. If what I'm hearing isn't being played by human hands, it sucks. No sampling, no computer enhanced synthesisers, no idiots with fancy costumes on dancing around with drive-thru headsets on in place of musical instruments. Either play for real or go home!
THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
* Cameras with flashes. I could really do without those little spots I see when someone wants my picture taken.
* People who act disgusted when I tell them I have to "go to the bathroom." Come on! It's the most discreet way of wording it. Now quit whining!
* Retired or unemployed people who ask if I'm working hard or keeping busy.
* Anyone in my home that I didn't invite who has the nerve to complain about anything.
* Really happy lovey-dovey couples who can't stop talking about how wonderful the other person is. Especially when they get on my case about my current status.
* Anyone who laughs when I talk about something that angers or annoys me. That's why I put it on my homepage. I don't hafta hear it this way.
* Anyone who tells me to smile. What for? Did I just wander into a Miss America pageant or something?
* Not being able to find a parking space or having to pay for one.
* Those recordings on the phone where you "press one" for this and "press two" for that. Apparently technology has replaced people who know what their doing.
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