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In the News |
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1/4/07 |
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Chaz the Beaver Bites Trainer, Runs From Banking Authorities |
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When authorities responded to a desperate 911 call they never imagined they would be called on to arrest beloved Rimville mascot Chaz the Beaver. The call was placed by animal trainer-to-the-stars, and Chaz's closest friend, Carl Rockman.
"It was all so horrible," sobbed a thoroughly stunned Rockman. "We recieved a call from the First Bank of Rimville. Apparently Chaz had taken part in several illegal high-yield investments. They demanded he turn himself in to the authorities." |
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But Chaz refused to give up, and three hours later federal authorities kicked in the door to his five bedroom apartment.
Rockman recounts, "I tried to talk him out of this foolishness, but when the Feds came he bit me and ran for it." Leading federal agents on a three-county-long chase, Chaz quickly waddled his way to Southern Oil Company State Forest where he vanished in the underbrush. The FBI is asking that anyone who might have important information call the Rimville police. "I'll be out here searching for him until it's over," said Rockman. "He needs a friend, and I won't abandon him." |
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12/30/06 |
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Aging Matriarch Kills Five in Orgy of Destruction |
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74 year-old Selma Wipplestein went berserk Friday afternoon, killing five people and injuring nine more. When asked why she did it, a shaken Wipplestein told police that she had been feeling "rather lonely" lately, and was desperate for attention. Marching upon the downtown city market with a semi-automatic assault rifle, Wipplestein opened fire, sending fried foods, passerbys, and fresh produce everywhere. Friends close to the assailant say she is a "kindly woman, not usually given to violence." Police searched her Havenwood Homes apartment and discovered a baggie containing crack cocaine, and an assortment of pornography. |
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12/15/06 |
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Mayor Derkins Arrested on Indecency Charges. |
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Early this Thursday, officers of the RCPD once again arrested Mayor "Wilt" Derkins at his Sunnydale Drive home. He was charged with indecency in public for running down his street naked, repeatedly yelling, "Me wants me moo-moo". Authorities are still not sure what Derkins meant by "moo-moo". |
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12/4/06 |
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Area Children Solve Mystery of the Pirate's Ghost |
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Laurie, Reginald, and Skipper Berman solved the 104 year-old mystery of the pirate's ghost yesterday afternoon. It turns out the legend of the dead pirate One-Eyed Abraham was being exploited by smugglers in Diamond Cove. "We just knew they were up to no good," said 10 year-old Laurie. The three kids were playing outside their house when they decided to "snoop for clues." The ghost itself was apparently a cardboard cut-out hung from a tree. |
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