Funny Stories.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why, in buildings do they mark all of the doors? How in the world did you get in there in the first place?
Exit signs are colored to stand our in fires; so why did they choose the color red?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
What not to say to the nice policeman
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific!
The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
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Two young children in need of punishment, were sent to their minister. The minister called the youngest child in, and told him to sit in a lavishly decorated chair. When the child was seated, the minister asked, "Have you been attending Sunday School regularly?" "Yes Sir" the boy answered. "Well, then you should be able to tell me where God is." The minister asked. He received no answer, so he shouted. "Tell me right now. Where is God?" The small child still did not answer so, after several tries, the minister told him to get his older brother. The child went to the other room, and told his brother, "We are in deep trouble. God is missing and they are blaming us for it."
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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."
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A Guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you polish?" The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says "Well, no."
The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten
dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
For Strong Bright Women
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that
I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb
guy. -Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36
hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good
for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog
or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our
carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner-
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get
a free dog. -Wendy Liebman-
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have
given birth. -Erma Bombeck-
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would
still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one
you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
9. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
10. When women are depressed they either eat or
go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised
woman. -Maryon Pearson-
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what
doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on
how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to
marry. -Gloria Steinhem-
16. I never married because there was no need. I
have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as
a husband.
*I have a dog which growls every morning
*a parrot which swears all afternoon, and
*a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable
truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill-
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the
day by tying a little noose around your neck. -Linda Ellerbee-
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I Ieave
a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
Daddy's Date Rules
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is danceing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM". They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be
skinny like her Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also
said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around
town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U"-that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a ....
COMMON TATER!>
>
1. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
2. Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to MacDonald's makes you a hamburger."
3. "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."
4. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."
5. "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."
6. "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."
7. "Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
8. "People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."
9. "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it."
10."Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
11. "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
12. "There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him."
13. "Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."
14. "Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."
15. "When it comes time to die, make sure that all you have left to do is die."
