It was in this very pub. I was sat in the seat you�re in now, I think. No, it was the one next to it, the one over there. I ordered a pint, real ale of course, a pint of �Hairy Monk�s Toe� it was. Don�t brew them like that now, of course, it�s all gassy and heady these days. So there I was chatting to Brian, the landlord in those days, he had a mullet, generally resting after a hard day. �Alright?� said Brian.
�Aye,� said I,
�Good, good.� Said Brian, and then walked off to serve another person. Now, normally, I would have asked him how he was too, but this time I seemed to forget. I do that sometimes, it�s my chilblains you see. So I felt awful, very rude at having not asked Brian how he was. He looked all right, but you never can tell with people.
Suddenly I noticed something then. Everybody had stopped moving. Not stopped like as if they had arthritis, or forgotten something, or gone into rigor mortis, like usual, but like they was all frozen in place. I tapped the chap next to me on the shoulder, not hard mind you, but hard enough. He didn�t even blink. I turned round at that point and noticed something astonishing. Brian had redone the upholstery on the old sofa. I had been on at him about that for years, but he never changed it, then he goes and does it while I�m not looking. Hasn�t been changed since then, neither.
So I turned back round and supped my lager. A voice spoke to me:
�Come, come with me.�
I turned again and there was this beautiful lady there, all in white. She had legs all the way down to her feet, and back up again. She had them flappy things on her back, like a bird. Her smile reminded me of old Lucy, who I haven�t seen for years. Behind her was this shining room filled with people. This wouldn�t normally be strange, as the function room is just about there, but this room was different. The wallpaper wasn�t peeling, plus the bulb went in the function room years before.
�Come with me,� said the lady, �I can show you delight greater than your comprehension, joy to warm the bleakest heart, knowledge to rival all your greatest scholars combined.�
I had a closer peep at this funny room behind her. It was full of people larking, and looking quite cheerful. I sat back again.
She looked at me like a dog after a treat, �Please, please, I want you to join me here.� She said.
So I asked, �What ale d�you have?�
�Ale?� she replied, �We have no need of ale, we have ambrosia finer than any draught you could ever taste, leaving you fulfilled and invigorated. We have food to satisfy a stuffed gourmet, all you could desire and more you never knew existed.�
�But no ale.� says I.
�Well, no.� Says she, a little worried now, �We don�t see the need of it.�
�Right then.� said I. With that I turned back and supped my beer. She pleaded a bit, and even left a bit of that food for me to try, but she got the message eventually. I wasn�t budging.
Soon the pub started moving again. I finished up and walked out. On the way I saw that bit of food the lady had harped on about, so I picked it up and pocketed it. My hound is fussy, you see, so I gave it to him, and he loved it. Gave him awful stomach pains next day though, howling and all that. Haven�t seen her around since to give her an earful about it though.
Another beer?