Status: Classified
Author: Hargus Kersplang
Date: 1322/452/50749
Title: Prospects of development upon Sol-3
After recent visitations upon the planet Sol-3 with a prospect of development for the advantage of our race, our team has gathered enough evidence for a preliminary report.
The temperature, composition and biochemistry present upon the planet surface are adequate for our means and this promising planet fulfills all Multi-planetary directives for habitation. The only possible problems are the indigenous life forms.
There appears to be one primary life form who are unresponsive to all our communications attempts. Where possible we have bombarded them with all our possible communications systems, but they do not even respond to the most primitive of them. The circles we have created in their food crops, for example, have been dismissed as merely patterns formed by UFOs, those pesky alien life forms from Quogoor-4 who seem intent on using circular craft. This is despite some of our patterns being far more advanced than Quogoorians could manage. We even found evidence of some of the bipedal life forms attempting to copy some of our patterns with primitive tools! They don�t even use a tri-tuganiust-yurigulator to aid them in their feeble attempts! A shabby life form at best.
Our other attempts have met with similar indifference. We have abducted the entirety of the nation they regard as the most powerful on their planet and tested them in a variety of different ways, without any response. These �Americans� seem unaffected by these experiments, to the degree that their tales are recounted in a planet-wide story telling consortium known only as �Jerry Springer� without any even mild surprise from the rest of the planet. Such attempts have now been given up.
The life form also seems very much inclined towards self-destruction. In the period we have been studying them, there have been internal conflicts on a scale not seen since the Yarcaskians fought over who owned the novelty toothbrush shaped asteroid. They have developed their means of killing to an extent which frightens me. They use their most advanced nuclear energy generating technology to spread radioactive rays over a large area, with the intent of killing each other. Their futile conflicts seem to be escalating to such a degree that if we do not intervene their entire race will be wiped out by widespread war within a few years. It seems this would not be a bad thing for the most promising species on the planet, the �lesser spotted Patagonian Fruitbat� which has been mercilessly hunted to near extinction by the current primary life form. With a little intervention this �fruitbat� could become a life form of the highest development, possibly rivalling our own.
Thus we suggest immediate moves to terraform the planet, removing the disease known as �humans� whilst we do it. The Fruitbats, of course, shall be treated with supreme reverence and left in their natural habitats. All we require is a close shaved hamster and a (small) tray of blackcurrant tarts and our task can begin.
Hail to the brood mother,
Qasduakfhajhfbsdfhbasdhfbmksadfbjkasdf the Unpronounceable
- Report Ends -