| Mr Rat's Script.. |
Ok. So maybe it's not a full movie script (hell it ain't half a movie script) but I reckon it looks like the sort of stuff that if you filmed yourself on a camcorder and sent it to channel 4 you'd probably get on (although it would be half 2 in the morning). Still read them for yourself and tell me what you think (good, bad or plain shite). Also don't get any funny ideas about nicking these ideas unless your prepared to give me credit, pay me money or get me a co-staring role with Jennifer Anniston in a porno flick. |
We are in a room at night which is not very well lit although it is obvious the room is bare except for a table with an old tape player and tape. There are 3 people (X, Y and Z). X is a rather large fellow. Y is extremely camp while Z is a type of hippy/surfer/stoner person. X: As much as I enjoy listening to your stories of the 3 tubs of yoghurt, a bicycle pump and the Reverents daughter, I must go to the toilet to do a crap. Z: Wooah man, are you sure your not going for a jacking off session after hearing my radicle story man? Y: Ooooh, Z. You are a character. Don't listen to him, my chubby little friend I can give you a hand.,.. X moves rather quickly out of the room. Z gets up and tries to walk..has problems but eventually stablises.. Z: Hey dude�I just noticed something on this table. Lets play it, man!! Y: Ohhh, I don't think so. Look what it says. Z: You mean "DO NOT PLAY THIS TAPE EVER,EVER COS YOU'LL DIE"? Hey man don't worry. It's problaby somebodys old Celon Dion tape. Screw it man I'm gonna play it cos I'm feeling manly. Y: Does Manly mind? Flashs back to X in the toilet room. He stares at the bowl. We see a shot of him looking into the bowl with the camera in the bowl. He looks disgusted. Meanwhile Z has put the tape on and has decided to play it Voice: Hello. I am Professor Bonk and I'm currently translating this piece of manuscripte which was written on a roll of toilet paper that is older than my Mum. From what I gather�If I read out the words a great evil will arrive and destroy the world. My wife, David will read out the words David(very femine voice): BIG FLOPPY WILLY SITTING IN A TREE BLAH BLAH BLAH EVIL BAD GUY PLEASE ARRIVE PING PING DING GANG GOOLY. Z: Hey dude. You should write lyrics for Slayer, man Flash Back to X in the toilet looking down the bowl. Suddenly the camera jumps from out of the bowl and towards him and pounces on him. He screams a lot. Y: Oh good lordy. Either he's been killed by some evil creature summed by this incantation or he's got the end of his penis caught in his zipper again�. Evil Voice: SILENCE YOU SNIVELLING CREATURE! OBEY ME OR DIE IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN FEACES AND VOMIT Z: That is not cool, man Evil Voice: HOW DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT BOY!!!! Z: Don't call me boy, man. Y: Listen, Z has much as I appreciate you entertaining our guest� you really ought to see why X is screaming. Normally I would be there in a shot if some fellow man had a problem with his John Thomas but if he has got it caught I don't think I could stand the heartbreak of an injured willy Evil Voice: I AM THE EVIL OVERLORD.I DO NOT TOLERATE SUCH CRAP. Z: I'm going to see if fatty needs some bogroll, man Z leaves the room Evil Voice: FOOLISH MORTALS YOU HAVE FOLLYED WITH MY PATIENTS LONG ENOUGH! NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO RELEASE MY FULL ANGER ONTO THIS WEAK WORLD�� Y slowly walks to the tape recorder Evil Voice: AND CLAIM IT FOR MY OWN AND MY DARK KIND AS DARKNESS WILL RULE OVER THE ENTERNAL�. Y: Excuse me, sweety�what will happen if I just press your off switch Evil Voice:�W-WH WHAT!?..WHAT?!�..hmmmmm�errrrrrrrrrr���oh crap! Y turns the tape off and walks out *End* |
Act I There are 3 people, A, B and C. A is the leader of the group and headstrong while B and C are very passive and follow A around. They are in a kitchen Camera is currently at an upside down/to the side angle, with B and C muttering if its on or not. Eventually they get it. A: O.K. rolling?�..good. *cough* Hello I am A and for my BTEC National Diploma in Pretentious Studies I am making a film regarding the old Monkey Forest that exists round the town of Ballynintendo. The legendary story goes that a man by the name of Thomas O'Luvey used to steal childrens goldfish at night and then brutally nail them to the trees using old abonded catheters. They say an evil witch made him to it. End Act I Act II We are now standing on the edge of the wood A: Here we are standing on the edge of monkey forest and it is� B: I need to use the toilet�. A: What? B: I need to use the toilet�quick A: Well just go behind the tree. B: I can't. You'll watch and film it and send it to some TV show. A: Don't be so bloody stupid..I am a professional film maker�I will not waste valuable tape on you using the toilet. B: I don't care�.I want to go back and use my toilet there� A: Listen to me you snivelling little worm..you better get used to roughing it cos this so far has been a bleedin' picknic with barney the dinosaur and his fruity chums. We are going to be out here for 3 days without TV, food, electricity, warmth shelter.. C: �..eletric toothbrush, radio, A's crack smokin' ho of a momma A:..electric toothbrush����..I told you..she's giving that up for lent�.now where was I�� B: It's alright�..I don't need to go now�. End Act II Act III Inside the woods A: We are here in the centre of the woods where the legend of old Thomas� D: Big Issue, Big Issue, Big Issue, sir? The fourth character of this film appears. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt with an old coat on holding copies of the big issue. A:No..go away D: aww go on Sir. There's this really good feature on the price of cardboard boxes becoming 4% more expensive�. A:No I said go away�I'm busy.. D: Hey there's an depth interview here with the man who used to be a roadie for Cliff Richard�I bet he has some revelations� A: Listen for God's sake piss off. I don't want to buy your crappy magazine. It's crap. There's not even any good looking woman in it to gloat over. The only reason people buy it is because they feel sorry for bums like you�.either that or their scarred your going to beat them up� D: So you wouldn't be interested in the centre poster pin up of Richard and Judy? A:NO! Now bugger off. Me and my small troop are making a film on our hiking adventure in this forest so if you don't mind� D: Can I join? A: What? D: Well there's 3 of you, right? You can't have a gang of 3..you need to make it four�..just think�..the four ninja turtles�the four tops�the four musketeers�the twenty-FOUR steps�.you need me to make up the numbers� B & C: aww go on..please. A: Just don't piss me off����� *Cough* We are here in the centre of the woods where the.. D: Big issue, Big issue�.. A: grrrrrrrr End of Act III Act IV It is night fall and we are sitting around a camp fire. B: I'm hungry..we haven't eaten in 2 days C: Well I guess those Big Issue magazines are that useless after all. Throws a copy of the 'Big Issue' on the fire B: I'm hungry D: My livelihood ..*sob* I'll never get to Las Vegas Now�� B: I'm hungry A: We all are��however�we have a greater problem�.due to some member of the group using our map as toilet paper and trying to cover up the mistake by redrawing it with crayon on a leaf��������.we are�.dare I say it������.screwed. D: No we're not. B: Excuse me? D: Oh hang on..there's my pizza I ordered� A pizza boy turns up with a pizza. B:Yeah! We're saved! C: We can eat now..oh praise the Lord. Pizza Boy: A chicken & sweetcorn with old tramp vomit on top? D: That's me� B: ehhh�I'll think I'll pass.. C: me too� A: What do you mean 'No we're not'? D: I have a house just 2 hours walk in that direction� C: really? D: Sure..You can stay if you like. Hell you probably want to use the phone to get home I imagine. B: This great A isn't it? A: (looking annoyed but biting his tongue)..yes isn't it? End of act iv Act V Still in the woods. However there is a large cardboard box. D: Ok. Here it is. Just go on in and I'll put the kettle on. A: You are joking aren't you? D: Oh come on�I'm selling the Big Issue for god's sake what did you expect a 5 story mansion with swimming pool with satellite TV? I do get a half decent reception of channel 5 though. A: You know where you can stick your big fucking Issue. Down your fucking stupid throat you fucking moron� D: So you don't want to come inside then�.? pity cos the Oprha Shows just about to start and it's a good one� A: SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP! I DON'T BLOODY CARE! AAARRRRGGG!!! THIS IS ONE BIG FUCK UP AND I'M GOING TO DIE OUT HERE WITH THESE FUCKING CRETINS!!!! (A runs into the forest) D: That's strange I thought he'd want to use the phone. Pulls out a phone from the box and hands it to C. C: Hello dad could you pick me up at D's house in Monkey forest��.and can B have a lift to�.? Thanks. Bye. He'll be here in 15 minutes. End of Act V Act VI We see a shot at a distance of A running through the forest screaming obvious that he is completely lost and never going to be found again. End of Act VI *end* |
