Ken Morrison, he may not be in charge of the company anymore, its some dutch twat that used to be one of the directors for Heineken, you know that company that makes piss in bottles, or beer or whatever you want to call it. Somewhere in there is the reason the company gets more and more rediculous every day. Morrisons still proudly bears Kens name though so why cant we hear that unmistakible Yorkshire accent on the tannoy from time to time? Theres the reminders that theiving cunts might nick your belongings so why cant we have old Ken reminding the retards that shop in there that theyre in his territory now and that theyd better not open their filthy sewers and spout out their sheep shit or he'll put one of those expensive just polished shoes up their arse as a reminder. Heres a list of announcements that he should pre record and have played in his stores at regular intervals every day:
1. Just a quick few words to remind you not to get too cocky on his turf
Gay sounding announcer: "Ladies and genlemen, Sir Ken Morrison has an important announcement to make"
Ken: "Hello there, im Sir Ken Morrison, owner off this fine store you have somehow found your way into. There is no finer store than a Morrisons, so as you buy me fine products today just keep in mind that your in MY store, in MY territory and you should be fucking grateful for the oppertunity and if you suddenly think im just going to let you waltz around like the dumb cunts you are and do whatever the fuck you like and say whatever the fuck you like to whoever the fuck you like, think again. If I catch you doing any of that i'll take the company jet down there, parachute out, land on your fucking head and stick one of me shoes up your bitching arse, you got that? Good, have a nice day ya tossers."
2. A reminder that old cunts wont be tolerated
Gay sounding announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Ken Morrison would like to make an important announcemt for the elderly shoppers in the store today"
Ken: "Fucking hell, I can almost smell the piss from here. Hello ya old cunts, im Sir Ken Morrison, owner of this fine store that you old bastards have managed to slowly hobble into without falling and breaking your hip for the 100th fucking time. Id like to give ya all a warning: First if you even think about opening your fucking old mouths and complaining im going to come down there and stick your walking stick down your fucking throat and second if I find any piss on me floor i'll fucking drown ya in a bucket of it alright? Hope ya all die soon but for the love of god not in me store, old cunts."
3. A clear message for all the poor and retarded cunts
Gay sounding announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Ken Morrison would like to make an announcemt that will appeal to the average person"
Ken: "Hello there, im Sir Ken Morrison, thats right, SIR, that means I make more money in one day than you'll ever make in your short miserable life. Im the owner of this fine shop that you thick cunts have come into, congratulations on actually working out that this is a supermarket and not a fucking car dealership. Let me start by saying that that money youve got in your pocket there came from MY pocket in the form of tax so thank fucking god that youve come to give me it back. Anyway, if you fucking retarded cunts even think of asking one of me staff if that kettle you want to buy is suitable for vegetarians im going to come down there and bury you alive under me spare change. Nobody gives a fuck about you, so either shut up and buy me bettabuy shite or piss off to Asda, their dole friendly range is even cheaper than mine ya moaning brain deprived tramps, get fucked of with ya."
