The Bums Rush Story

Not long ago in springtime the year 2001 I went on this really poop holiday in the isle of Wight.

I was the ONLY teenager there in a group of like 300 old age pensioners and the facilities were very limited so I took up smoking and I drank a lot of alcohol during the holiday there out of boredom.

After about 1 week of pure misery there I had been whining on and on about the fact i wanted to visit what I call home "Southampton", i also had money to spend and knowing me I am very bad with money. I am notorious for blowing my money on any old crap I find.

So on the way back we had this full fried English breakfast, u know the usual bad for you stuff, sausages, fried eggs, hash browns etc... which was delicious i must admit but a few hours later we were driving into Southampton city center so i could spend my money, so when we arrived i went instantly into "HMV" to look at the cd's as planned.

5 minutes after i arrived in hmv i noticed i started farting really badly, and i mean REALLY badly so i could tell a few people weren't amused and kept walking away, so i bought a cd and went along to "virgin mega stores" (No that's not a place where you pick up virgin girls lol) before I embarrassed myself anymore to look at the cd's there and i noticed i began to break into these sweats.

I was stood there beginning to shake like a leaf and i kept stopping looking like i was constipated, really i wasn't constipated i was actually clenching my bottom cheeks tight because i instantly recognized the problem as "Diarrhea". So I thought.

"Screw the cd!, I got to get the heck out here!"

And I put the cd down then began to walk out the shop with stiff legs.

I looked like either a very greedy man who's trying to not make the change jingle in his pockets to avoid paying charity people or a man half way through rigormortice.

As soon as i left the shop I went down the road to this bookshop which was where my mum was. I couldn't find her very easily so I panicked and went downstairs and there she was stood up with her legs crossed trying to read a book.

I went to my mum and I started whispering saying I got an upset stomach and it turned out, so did she.

So she put the book down and we both left the shop walking funny like I did before panicking coz we both had diarrhea and we had no tissues handy.

So what happened was my mum told me to wait while she went into "Woolworth's" to get some serviettes, so I said

"I will meet you in virgin mega store"

I bought the cd I wanted while I waited and then we met back up.

Now we had another problem,

we had to find a toilet,

so me and my mum noticed a C&A's close by and there was a restaurant inside.

So we both began going up the stairs in C&A's into the restaurant and at the same time my mum who was panicking started giving me huge wads of baby bottom wipes and serviettes just incase there was no bog roll. We both went to the toilets and i was sat there with my butt exploding like mount vesuvious for like 10 mins then these kids and they're dad came in.

Problem was even though I didn't want them to know, I think they did notice someone had diarrhea in the toilets because the kids began to talk in a coded language to each other going

"SO?!"

"So what?"

"U KNOW!"

"OHHH...!"

which was very embarrassing for me.

It was then that I started to panic just incase anyone noticed how long I been in the toilet and give me funny looks when I left. so I quickly did my business and flushed the toilet.

Guess what happened?  lol yes, the worse thing imaginable,

THE TOILET BLOCKED!!

So I panicked put the lid down and ran like the clappers to the sink to wash my hands.

As i was drying my hands this really tall man about 7 foot high entered the doors, I discreetly watched him and noticed he was heading towards the cubicle I just blocked and it was then that I was crapping myself as my whole life flashed through my eyes and I thought to myself

"To hell with drying my hands I don't want him seeing me blushing, if he knows it's me I'll be pounded into dust!"

So i ran like crazy out of the Men's room door drying my hands on my trousers laughing my head off to find my mum outside the door leaning against the vomit yellow tile walls in the hallway. I told my mum what happened and she went

"come with me a second"

and we both started leaving the restaurant and just as we got to the stairs she laughed and went

"You  know what?!, the same thing happened to me".

LOL You think that was was a embarrassing?, well there's still more yet keep reading.

As soon as we left we remembered that my dad was waiting in the car looking after my mums dolls she bought which were worth about 300 British Pounds or whatever and were collectable items.

Knowing my dad had a fried breakfast to we thought to ourselves

"Oh crap!!, what if dad needs the toilet to?!"

So we figured we needed to get some spare underpants just incase and we went into Marks and Spencer's" looking for some Y front underwear for me and my dad,

5 mins later after getting the stuff my mum can't remember where the car is parked so while carrying like 50 shopping bags of food, drink and underwear we end up running all over the place because my mum is asking for directions for the car park.

We were given the directions to like 3 car parks. So we went to like 2 of them and I was getting frustrated coz I 1. could see out car park from where I was standing and 2. I Couldn't keep up with my mum's speed.

So I kept saying the lords name in vain out of frustration trying to get my mums attention who kept telling me to shut up coz she needs to think.

Anyway it got to the point where i finally got her attention and we went towards the car park and she was swearing and stuff saying

"ITS NOT OUR CAR PARK!!!"

and I kept saying

"IT IS!! IT IS!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!, IT IS ALLRIGHT!!, DON'T GET YOU'RE KNICKERS IN A BLOODY TWIST!!"

and was loosing my rag,

anyway we climbed the stairs of the car park and it turned out to be our car park and we had done a full circle of the car park by foot because my mum was getting frustrated and was panicking trying to find it.

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