Author’s Note:

Shit, I’ve done it. I’ve finally written a fanfic. That’s what you get when you’re itching to write something but, (being lazy and uncreative) you find yourself chock dry of ideas. So what can you do but sit down and start writing a piece of fan-fiction. The ending is weak; maybe I’ll get around to editing that some time, if I find the right idea for it.  

 

Only Human: A Hellsing Fanfic

 

 

 

London, 1955

 

Sir Hellsing was a tall, unruly man, with brightness in his eyes that bordered upon madness, as bright as the silver cross on his throat, gleaming silkily under the streams of sunlight that spilled through the tall windows of his office. Thrumming his fingers on his heavy oakwood desk, the man's lips twisted in a maniacal smile as he looked upon Walter, who stood crossing his arms by the door, quietly smoking a cigarette. When the lord of the House of Hellsing spoke, his voice was loud and clear, with an eccentric cadence that seemed to be a trademark of prodigies -or the hopelessly insane, there was not much of a difference-, for the man was a genius, in his own right. 

        "Getting old, Angel of Death?" Sir Hellsing said, lighting a cigar and speaking through the explosion of smoke that followed. "You seem quieter now, more relaxed."

        "I am a grown man now, Master," Walter replied, still crossing his arms. "Not the reckless child I may have once been. War made me what I was. Now that it is over, I intend to settle down, a bit."

        "Very well, very well." Sir Hellsing laughed, a harsh bellow that had sent many a chill down his colleague's spines, during his time. "I wish my daughter would do the same. She's quite the little screamer, that one."

        "Ms. Integral is very still young. She will learn of the world, in time."

        "And maybe that is what I am truly afraid of," Sir Hellsing mused. Walter maintained a polite silence. "But enough witter. I'm sending you on another assignment."

        "As you wish, my Master," Walter said.

        "It'll be a killing. And this time, the target will be human." Sir Hellsing puffed on his cigar. "There is man here in London, goes by the name of John Farlane. A very rich man, even I will allow that. And lately, it's come to our attention that he's been sending exceedingly generous donations to certain fund groups. All which happen to be operated by vampires. Coincidence? I don't think so."

        Walter nodded. "Another would-be vampire. I don't see what the fools find so grand in the idea of spending all eternity as a monster."

        "As do I, Walter. Farlane seldom appears in public, these days. You may have to find him. And that's not all."

        Walter listened patiently.

        "We've sighted a freak with Farlane, called Fritz Kampfer. The vampires must have sent him in to guard Farlane, to make sure their little goose will keep on laying those golden eggs. He'll be trouble. Though nothing you can't handle, I imagine."

        "I'll keep that in mind," Walter said, tugging at his gloves.

        "Good luck," Sir Hellsing said, as he reached for the ashtray with the hand holding his cigar.

        Walter promptly twitched a finger, and whipped one of the five ultra-fine wires that extended from his right hand at the smoldering tip of the cigar, slicing it off cleanly. The severed end of the cigar plopped into the ashtray, instantly crumbling into gray ash.

        "Ah, thank you, Walter," Sir Hellsing said, grinning as he fitted the slightly shortened cigar back into his mouth and clacked away at his lighter.  

        "You're quite welcome, my Master," Walter said, smiling slightly as he bowed. He excused himself from of the room.

 

It was a clear, sweeping winter day, the first rays of sunlight scalding in the morning chill. Walter Cumm Ddollneazz walked briskly down the dirty alleys, gravel crunching under his shoes. He wore gray pants, a black jacket over a similarly black vest and white shirt, accompanied by a flowing red bow tie. His hands were enveloped in open-fingered gloves. A straight crop of short raven hair spilled from under a black bowler's hat. His eyes were his most striking feature, slightly upturned, narrow and playful, alive with an animal sadism that flickered here and there, like a cat on the hunt.

        Walter stopped by a rotting door, stained by vomit and blood and piss. He rapped smartly on the soft wood. There was a fumbling on the other side of the door, and it swung upon with a croaking creak. The overpowering smell of blood billowed out from inside, but Walter didn't so much as blink. A voice rasped from inside.

        "Who is it?" Walter could see a sprawl of red glowing eyes in the dimness within. He counted three, four pairs in all. Yellow fangs glinted as the voice rasped again. "Name yourself."

        "Walter. From Hellsing," Walter said.

        "Hellsing!" Walter leapt into the room just as the vampire shrieked in outrage, lashing out with a kick that caught the creature full in the chest, sending it crashing into a stack of chairs. Even as he did so, he was spreading the wires fixed to his fingers, letting them snake through the room to loop around the neck and limbs of the snarling freaks. "Don't move!" Walter shouted, as he swiveled on his feet to dodge a swipe of clawed fingers. He tugged at the wires that extended from his fingertips and laced around the vampire's bodies. The vampires froze, feeling the wires biting down on their skin.

        "If you so much as twitch, the wires will hew you to shreds," Walter said coolly. He waved a hand, to demonstrate. One of the freaks screamed as its hand flew off, landing on the floor with a sick plop.

        "Walter. I've heard of you," a white-haired freak murmured fearfully. This one appeared to be the leader. "Angel of Death Walter. What do you want from us?"

        "Your brood's been having dealings with a human named Farlane. I want to know where he is."

        "Farlane...? We've never heard of him," the white-haired freak said, eyes bulging.

        Walter walked toward the freak, careful to keep the wires taut. He looked about for a handy object, and picked up a small brandy bottle from the table. He popped the cork and poured the whole thing empty. He grasped the vampire's jaws and pulled them open. In one smooth movement, he shoved the bottle into the freak's mouth, then closed its jaws and hammered its chin with a knee. The bottle shattered into a dozen shards of razor-sharp glass inside its mouth, completely mangling its tongue, gums and the inside of its cheeks. Tears welled in the white-haired freak's eyes as it helplessly hung its mouth open, pieces of bloody glass and saliva pouring out of its mouth and tinkling on the floor.

        "How's that? A taste of your own blood," Walter said, smiling. The freak gagged, as blood began to fountain down onto the floor. "Now tell me where Farlane is."

        "Hith thuite," the freak moaned, glass cracking as he spoke. Talking drove the glass further into its mouth and throat.

        "A suite? Where?"

        "Eatht Ithland Hothel."

        "East Island Hotel. So Farlane is hiding at a suite in the East Island Hotel, correct?"

        The white-haired freak nodded weakly.

        "Next question. What do you know about Fritz Kampfer?"

        "Not muth. He'th an outhsither. The bosses broughth him throm out-thide. Creepy fellow. Quieth."

        Walter stared at he freak for a moment, then smiled. "That's all I needed to know," he said cheerfully. "Thank you."

        He could feel the vampires relax, though the wires, before he pulled, crossing his arms over his chest, decapitating every last one of them. They fell like puppets with their strings cut.

        Opening and closing his gloved hands, Walter marched out of the dim room, pooling blood lapping at his shoes.

 

Fritz Kampfer took another sip of collected blood, ice tinkling within the crystal glass. He ran his tongue lightly against his needle-sharp canines as he regarded John Farlane, lounging on a expensive-looking sofa across the room. He slit his lips into a chilling smile at the human he was supposed to defend at all costs, consciously revealing his pearly fangs, still wet with cold blood. Farlane averted his own eyes, away from Kampfer's unblinking gaze. Kampfer suppressed the urge to laugh.

        For Fritz Kampfer considered himself a creature that could savor the taste of irony. Here he was, the most ruthless vampire killer in the underworld, protecting a human from a human assassin. The situation was simply delicious. Kampfer widened his smile, and Farlane shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

        Kampfer was a slight, wiry vampire, with snowy skin and pale crimson eyes. A shock of inky black hair fell down his neck, pulled back and tied into a ropy ponytail that snaked over one shoulder. He wore a loose black cassock, woven of heavy fabric so that it hung impeccably straight, causing his silhouette to look like a black tombstone, quiet and ominous.

        The doorbell rang. Farlane jumped off the sofa, eyes wide. Kampfer restrained him with a wave of his hand.

        "I'll get it," he said, walking out into the hall of the suite and for the door.

        He looked out the peephole and saw a young maid, standing nervously outside the hall. "What do you want?" he asked.

        "Mr. Farlane called," the girl said. Kampfer raised an eyebrow. Farlane? What the hell was that fool thinking? He found himself hesitating, unfamiliar with human practices, but finally he put a hand on the knob, and turned.

        His world exploded in a flash of sound and light. Kampfer's superhuman reflexes took over a quarter second after the blast; he leapt back to fix himself on all fours -spider-like- onto the wall of the hallway, before kicking off the wall and shooting back into the room where Farlane sat. He turned for the sofa, and knew it was too late.

        Death himself stood over Farlane, tall and thin, dressed in black. Farlane gurgled brokenly, then relaxed, as still as stone. Death stooped lightly to retrieve the knife that had buried itself to the handle into the man's heart, clean between his ribs. The curtains fluttered madly in the winter night's breeze.

        "Well played," Kampfer said, grudgingly. No doubt the man had planted the one-way bomb beforehand, then scaled the thirty-four stories to the window of the suite to wait for the maid to lure Kampfer into triggering the booby trap. It was the perfect assassination. Kampfer felt that smile again, creeping around the edges of his mouth.

        "Thank you," the fellow assassin allowed.

        "You do realize I will have to kill you now," Kampfer continued, "a point of honor, if you will."

        "I see."

        The two stood there for a while. The assassin crossed his arms over his chest, nonchalantly leaning against the windowsill. The wind ruffled his short black hair.

        "Name?" Kampfer suddenly said.

        "What?" the other man cocked an eyebrow.

        "What is your name?"

        "Walter. Walter Cumm Ddollneazz," Walter said. Then, grinning; "You're Kampfer, right? Fritz Kampfer."

         "Correct," Kampfer said, slightly surprised that the man knew his name. He wondered who had sent this man. The Vatican? No, no. Not those fanatics. They were too far away from London.

        Hellsing; that was it. He must be an agent from the Hellsing Organization. And that was just as well, just as well; Kampfer had a score or two to settle with the 'ol maddog Sir Hellsing.

        The two men smiled at each other, both pondering upon how to kill the other in the quickest way possible. A mutual understanding of sorts passed between them. Killer to killer.

        Walter moved first. The man was fast, way fast, even for a vampire. One second he was there, and the next second he had vanished out of the window. Kampfer ran after him, for the windowsill, and he saw half a dozen wires whipping out of the darkness to coil around his limbs. The wires dug painfully into his flesh -though not strong enough to harm him through his inhumanly tough skin- as they dragged him out over the windowsill and into the night sky. Before he knew it, he found himself free falling down a thirty-story building, streetlights and car lights streaming far below him, the howl of the wind deafening to his ears. Walter was falling a couple dozen feet under him, capturing Kampfer with his damn wires, taking him down with him. Walter laughed at him as he fell. The son of a bitch was suicidal.

        Kampfer reached out with a hand and slammed his hand into the hotel wall as it rushed past him, his abnormally strong fingers digging joint-deep into the concrete. He ran five ten-foot gorges into the side of the building before he came to a stop, Walter hanging from under him.

        Suddenly Walter released the wires that held him to Kampfer and shot another stream of twine from his other free hand, letting them trap a lightning rod atop a building on the other side of the street. He swung away to attach himself to the face of the building. Walter began to climb rapidly, grappling his wires, and using windowsills and light cables as holds.

         Kampfer would be damned if he could let him get away that easily. The vampire reared up and launched himself -a good thirty feet- diagonally into the air, flying through the night sky, his cassock sweeping around him like a black cape. He landed on the rooftop of the building just as Walter, finishing his climb, hauled himself up at his feet.

        Walter looked at Kampfer, standing there cool and unruffled, and blinked.

        "What in the blazes are you doing here?" he said. The man wasn't even out of breath.

        "We have our ways," Kampfer said, showing his fangs. Walter vanished again, reappearing a good twenty paces away. Here it was again; the quickness. It was all Kampfer could do to keep track of him with his eyes.

        It was windy up on the rooftop, and cold, lashing his own hair against his face. Kampfer reached into his coat and produced his weapon; a long, thick iron stake. He gripped it with his right hand, the wickedly tapered end gleaming viciously in the night-lights. He took a step forward. Walter took a step back. Kampfer thought of his opponent's weapon. Reinforced steel threads. No matter where he moved, the wires would trap him and dismember him in a second. Kampfer needed to get close.

        Walter waved both hands into the air, like a conductor commanding his performers. This time he did it fast; the wires appeared from nowhere to snake everywhere around Kampfer's body.

        Walter spread his fingers and pulled. Kampfer fell apart into six parts in an explosion of blood; his head spun out into the air, and his arms and legs tumbled down onto the concrete in a pile, along with the bloody stump of his torso. The vampire's head hit the rooftop with a heavy thud. Kampfer's disembodied head was grinning from ear to ear, baring its fangs. A pool of blood began to collect itself around the severed limbs.

        Walter was withdrawing his threads, when the lines of Kampfer's body wavered, then began to dissolve. Kampfer's cassock crumbled into a thousand insects, rattling their wings together as they took flight. The insects swarmed toward Walter, before suddenly melting into a rolling black mist that completely enveloped him, shrouding his sight. Walter dropped down into a semi-crouch, squinting his eyes, trying to see through the mist.

        Something cold and hard struck at Walter's shoulder from the behind, juddering him with pain. Walter twisted around as he jumped out of the way, coming face to face with the grinning face of Kampfer, holding his stake, bloodied with Walter's blood. Kampfer's cassock was the last to materialize out of the black haze, and the vampire stood there as if nothing had happened, looming like a tombstone.

        "You know, Alucard would love you. A real live A-class," Walter said, clutching at his wounded shoulder. "Too bad he's sleeping in a vault someplace."

        "Ah, the queen's pet. How could I ever forget," Kampfer said. "How does he fare, the No Life King? I do hope he's well. I've always wanted to cross swords with him, one time or another." 

        "Somehow, the idea of Alucard and swords don't seem to mix," Walter mused.

        Just then, the night was shredded in a horrific flash of light. Walter squinted as he shielded his face with a forearm, and Kampfer snarled in irritation as a helicopter burst out from nowhere, agleam with lights. Through the beams of white, Kampfer could just make out the official emblem of the Hellsing Organization. He cursed, and turned to Walter.

        "It was fun playing with you, Mr. Ddollneazz," Kampfer shouted, over the roars of the chopper. "But I guess all good things must come to an end."

        "Oh, yes. Very fun," Walter shouted back, still clutching at his bleeding shoulder. "We should get together again, some time. Maybe I'll bring Alucard along, if he decides to crawl out of his vault."

        "That would be delightful," Kampfer agreed. "Now I really must go. May we meet again, Walter Cumm Ddollneazz."

        And just like that, Fritz Kampfer was gone; his body scattered into a swarm of black insects that melted away into a night.

        The helicopter had landed, and Hellsing soldiers were running towards him, cradling their rifles. Walter turned to smile at them, and the barely concealed bloodlust that gleamed in his eyes was so unnerving that it stopped the men in their tracks. Still smiling, Walter circled around them and started walking for the chopper. A gust of wind toyed at his bowtie, and he absent-mindedly ran his fingers through his hair.

        It had been so long since he had taken on a class-A vampire. "Just like the good old days," Walter murmured, to nobody in particular. He hated to admit it, but he found himself missing Alucard, damn his sadistic soul.

After all, in the end even Walter Cumm Ddollneazz –Angel of Death Walter- was only human. 

       

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