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3x3 Eyes Fanfiction - "What If... OF COURSE"
Written by: Mr. Kaiyanwang
Email: Sanjiyan82@hotmail.com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/mr_kaiyanwang
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Copyright info: The cast of "3x3 Eyes" belongs to Yuzo Takada, Pioneer, and other copyright 
holders.


"OF COURSE a human can be made Sanjiyan by the Humanity Ritual!!!"


Chapter Two:


Radio: Go, Johnny, go, go! Go, Johnny, go, go, go!

Mama-san was still standing in the doorway, quite annoyed. Yakumo attempted to apologize, but 
it was futile. At that moment, something dropped and landed on Mama-san's scalp.

..it was the mistletoe that Haan had stapled into death earlier.

Mama-san (picks up the mistletoe): What's this?

At that moment, Haan had begun to regain consciousness again. This was a fairly unfortunate 
time to be awake, because Mama-san was holding his mistletoe in her hand. And he, of course, 
noticed. He also noticed the horrible fact that Mama-san was standing in the doorway. It 
only took seconds for the Magic Merchant to realize he was in deep, deep, deep trouble. The 
love-struck expression on Mama-san only served to confirm it.

Mama-san (looks towards Haan's direction): SOOOO... did you hang this up, Haan?

Haan (horrid expression): M-M-M-M-M-Mama-san! I-i-it's not... w-w-hat you t-t-hink!

Faster than the speed of Benares, Mama-san dashed after Haan. Hazrat screamed in agony and 
scampered off, which of course, caused a big chase scene between Mama-san and himself.

Mama-san (chasing): Haan! I never knew you felt this way!

Haan (horrifed, running): MAMA-SAN, NOOOOOO! STAY AWAAAAAAAAAAY!!

Radio: Go, Johnny, go, go!... Go, Johnny, go, go, go! Go! Yeah!

Yakumo (disturbed): ........ ^_^;;;

Pai (disturbed): ........ ^_^;;;

As if God himself was laughing at Haan, Youko stepped into the apartment at that moment, 
ever-so-cheerful. Of course, that didn't last as she saw the carnage between Mama-san and 
Haan.

Youko (confused): Hey, what's going on here?

Pai (notices Youko): Ayanokouji! You're here! Great! You can come and help Yakumo and me 
cook! Long-san, Ling-Ling-san, and everyone else should be here really soon!

Youko (points at Mama-san and Haan): Yeah, sure, but, um... what about them?

Yakumo (sweatdrops): They're hopeless. ^_^;;;


* * *


Not too far away were Benares and one of his many servants, Shapeshifter. Shapeshifter, as 
you can imagine, had the ability to change his shape on command. And that's exactly what 
he was doing. The guy had transformed himself into the shape of... Santa's sled. With 
reindeers. And even elves. Benares can be seen merrily riding on him in the air. This 
scene allowed children who were lucky enough to be out in the streets to claim this as 
the final proof they needed to confirm a certain fat man's existence.

Santa's sled (yelling): Yo, yo, yo! We be flyin' in da air, son! We be kickin'! Aiiiight!

Benares (annoyed): Shut up.

Santa's sled (still yelling): Aww, but boss! It ain't everyday we be in da air, kickin'!

Benares (getting more annoyed): I said, shut up.

Santa's sled (STILL yelling): You ain't know nuthin' 'bout partyin', dawg! We kickin' it 
like it's da year 2000, mama!

At that moment, Benares stomped his foot on the sled -- which, when in "normal man" mode, 
happened to actually be the Shapeshifter's back. Yeow.

Santa's sled (screams in pain): Owww! What you doin' herb?!

Benares (sighs): How long is it until we get to Parvati, idiot?

Santa's sled: A couple of minutes more, dawg! But if ya want, I could slow down da ride 
and we be enjoying this more! Aiight?

Benares (VERY disturbed): "Ride"...? Uh.. I don't even want to know what you meant by 
that. Just get me to Parvati's as fast as possible. NOW!

Santa's sled: Aiight! I be zooming to Parvati's now, dawg! We be there mad fast, B!

And with that, the sled practically charged away like a missle in the sky, much faster 
towards its destination than before.


* * *


Radio: Hand in hand we'll journey as pioneers! Unlocking the greatest mysteries! Don't 
listen to anyone who says we're wrong!

By now, everything had finally calmed down at Mama-san's apartment, and every guest 
present at the table. The Christmas tree glittered with sparkling ornaments and joy, and 
presents set neatly underneath it. The entire apartment had been decorated with lights, 
angels, and other assorted Christmas things. Dish and dish of delicious food could be 
found on the table, just waiting to be eaten.

Sitting among the table were Yakumo, Pai, Haan, Youko, Mama-san, Steve Long, Meixing Long, 
Ling-Ling, Chen Aguri, Natsuko, Don-chan, Ken-chan, Youko's grandparents, Jake MacDonald, 
Naparva, Gupta, S. Connelly and Maria. Yes, Mama-san had to purchase a new, longer table 
just for this occasion. Not far away from the table and nearby the Christmas tree and 
presents were Hong-Nyong, Takuhi, and Fei-Oh.

Yakumo (smiling): Everyone, I'd like to say grace before we --

Jake (annoyed): Shut up, boy! Let's dig in, everyone!

And dig in they did! Even Hong-Nyong and the other guys by the Christmas tree! Immediately, 
everyone grabbed plates and... well, they basically trashed the brand new, very expensive 
table in a matter of seconds. No, the table won't be of any good future use after this 
night.

Just as everyone was eating, something smashed through the window, sending glass all over 
the apartment! What has happened, and who was behind this heinous act? Why, it was none 
other than Benares and Shapeshifter!

And yet, as spectacular as that entrance was, no one in the apartment could really give 
two rats' collective furry asses about it. Why not? Well, being starved for a couple of 
hours, then suddenly to be dropped in the presence of food will do that to you.

Benares (raises an eyebrow): Uhh... hi! I'm here! Fear me! ...bwahahahahaha?

At that moment, a greasy chicken drumstick flew from the table and landed on Benares. 
Score! The stick found itself smearing off the Wu's face, leaving grease particles and 
chicken meat all over. Benares promptly grabbed the leg and tossed it aside.

Benares (annoyed): Arrgh..!

Shapeshifter (looks around the table): Ooh! Yo! They be eatin' turkey in there! Quick, 
boss! Let's get sum food before those fools finish it all!

Benares (growls): I... don't... want... food! We're here to capture Parvati and her Wu 
for the Humanity Ritual! Remember that?!

Shapeshifter (points at the 3x3 Eyes gang): But it ain't possible to get in that mess, 
dawg! Look at them, sucka! It be mad suicide if we get in dere, stupid!

And how true he was. Literally, the 3x3 Eyes gang were mashed up into a ball of frenzy, 
each of them attempting to get a piece of the pie. You could hardly tell who was who in 
there.

... but that was no obstacle to Benares!

Benares: Bah! Forget that, then! We'll do the Humanity Ritual right here and now!

Shapeshifter (shocked): You.. you be serious, boss?

Benares: Yes, of course I'm being serious. Now, Shapeshifer! Go get the Ningen no Zou!

Shapeshifter (confused): The Ningen no what!? Yo, you be trippin', boss! I ain't 
understand a word you be sayin'!

Benares (raises eyebrow): Now isn't that ironic?

Shapeshifter (crosses arms): Nah, son! I ain't ironing nuthin'! I ain't nobody's 
housewife!

Benares (very annoyed): Just go and get the damn Statue of Humanity before I have you 
killed!

He needed no further instructions, and at once, Shapeshifter shaped up. Yes, I realize 
I've just used a bad pun. Shut up and enjoy it. A second later, Shapeshifter transformed 
his form into a... bumblebee... and flew out the window to pick up the statue.

Meanwhile, Benares grumbled at his fate. How the hell could he had forgotten to bring 
the single most important thing to the Humanity Ritual? And to leave it at the rooftop, 
too? Well, if anything, this was another reason not to drink at night, he supposed.

And so, an hour passed.

And then another hour passed.

And another.

And another.

And another...

And by then, Benares had grown impatient. That pest Shapeshifter had sealed his own fate 
by toying with the Dragon King's patience, and Benares decided to terminate his existence 
the second the idiot arrived with the Ningen no Zou.

However, a certain thing that the Wu had failed to notice was.. well, everyone in the 
apartment had finally finished eating. And they were staring at him.

Jake (points at Benares): Hey, ain't you that --

Everyone else (screaming in shock): Benares!!

Benares (shrugs): ...yeah, yeah, yeah. You people should've said that 5 hours ago when 
everything was still fresh and exciting. Now? Noo. So just wait here peacefully until my 
wretch of a servant returns. Then maybe you all can scream "Benares!!" in unison again.

Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear! In that precise moment, the.. uh.. bee 
returned from his task and buzzed about the room.

Bumblebee: Yeah, son! I'm back!

Benares: Finally! Give me the Ningen no Zou!

Bumblebee: Aiight, boss!

Benares chuckled evilly as the Bumblebee "handed" him the Ningen no... Zou? Uhh, well, 
not exactly. It *resembled* the statue, but there were many factors that contributed to it 
being NOT what Benares had ordered. Sitting on Benares' hands, in place of the actual 
Ningen no Zou that was... an Academy award statue?

Benares (outraged): ...what the hell is this??!

Bumblebee (buzzes around): Heh heh, well, uh, boss, I ain't found no Statue of Humanity at 
da rooftop, so I be a good guy and got you sumthin' similar to dat!

Benares fumed in anger.

Bumblebee (buzzes away): Aww, c'mon, boss! The Statue of Humanity got 3 suckas on it, 
right? This statue might only got 1 sucka, but it's still good! I mean, there's still a 
sucka standing there, right?

Vains were visible on poor Benares' forehead.

Bumblebee (laugsh nervously) Heh heh, uhh... listen, boss, I be out, aiiight? I gots a 
party I gots ta' be goin' to now, so... uhh... I be seein' ya, cool? Aiiight?

Benares (yells in anger): By the name of Benares! I summon you, Insecticide!

At once, a can of Raid's POOF'D in the palm of Benares' hand! Fearing for its life, the 
Bumblebee attempted to scatter away, but Benares was too quick. With one or two sprays, 
Shiva's Wu easily killed the Bumblebee that used to be his servant. As the little insect's 
legs twitched in an attempt to survive, Benares stomped a mighty size 15 boot atop it.

Benares (points at everyone): Shit! Since I don't have the Ningen no Zou, I obviously 
can't perform the Humanity Ritual with Parvati and her Wu. So, now I must go on search to 
revive it! Be fear, humans. Fear the day when the Humanity Ritual shall dawn upon you!

And with that, Benares smashed out of the window to the left of the one he arrived in. 
Bizillion pieces of glass shattered all about the room and the outside air.

Mama-san (growling): Somebody's gonna get me some new windows.

Everyone else: ........


* * *


END OF CHAPTER 2