I stood at the edge of the drop looking down, I remember feeling the fear of being so close to the edge at such a height and yet, at that moment in time, there was also a sense of calm deep within me.  The others pressed around me, each of them trying to get a view to the bottom of the drop, crowding that small overhanging ledge.  And as I leaned over to see what lay at the bottem I remember a sudden quiet in the air, as if someone had found a volume control for the universe.  There was nothing, even the sounds of the Fete from the school had seemed to stop, frozen.  That one moment seemed to hang in the air, suspended by whatever laws rule our perceptions of time.  That moment was peacefull, that moment was divine, that moment seemed to last for minutes.  And as I straightend myself to move away, one more person crowded that ledge, one more person moved that crowd forward an inch, towards the person standing at the edge of the drop.  Even before I realised what had happened, I was falling head first towards the bottom in a slow tumble.............

What?????  That's what I always think to myself when anyone gives me a compliment.  If you've ever known a person in your life, who just cannot take a compliment, then I'm probably on par with them.  If you've never known one, well Hi there, nice to meet you.  I pretty much grew up with a really bad self image of myself, inspired by my lack of confidence.  Whenever a person would give me a compliment, I would immediatly assume that it was a lie just to make me feel better about myself.  Yeah I know, your probably thinking, "if this is true, how come he plastered his website with photo's of himself?"  Honestly???  I actually didn't have anything else to put up on it.  I only have had one compliment.............. well two really, but the second one was just a lot of hard work, heard too often and a whole lot of fun...............  ?:OP  But honestly, I have only had one compliment in my whole life that I actually treasured.  I remember it well, and I remember the feeling I had inside when I heard it.  I know at the time it was true, but nowdays I wonder, would it still be true?  I'd like to think that it would be, that I haven't chanaged that much.  But sometimes I wonder, I remember how differant my life used to be, how differant a person I really was.  Although it doesn't feel that I've changed much as a person, I know that in certain ways I have.  Having said that, there's still a lot that hasn't changed about me in the past 18 years or so.  I know there's a lot of people out there who are torn apart by self hate, they loathe who they are.  I don't hate myself, I don't hate who I am, and I don't hate what I've become, and even though I don't love myself, I can certainly tolerate myself.  Funnily enough, now that I have my webcam broadcasting on the net, I'm getting a lot of comments from people about my looks.  I don't know what the picture quality is like on the net, I can't see the feed myself, but my guess is that it must be pretty blurry or something.  Then again, all the compliments are actually from men, so I'm not that phased by it all.  I've never considered myself to be a good looking person, I still don't.  I guess there's a lot of things that I never really liked about myself.  There are however, two things that I do like about myself.  My eyes because I think that they actually reflect my personalilty, and my hands, because there are artistic and creative.  My brain?????  If it ever wakes up I'll let you know.  Although to tell you the truth, it hasn't let me down just yet.

Life has left me with a lot of questions that are unanswered so far.  Will I ever be able to fulfill my dreams?  Will I die a happy person who knows their life was worthwhile?  Is there a nicer icecream then Bailey's Irish Cream Hagaan Daas???  Well ok, so maybe I know the answer to the last one already, but still, I look forward to finding out the other answers.  Hey, if I get the chance, in about 80 years time, I'll even post them up here!!  Will you still be around? I'm actually hoping that you will be, not just because you (like many other people) think that it's great to look at someone else's diary, but because you sincerely are a friend, and that you genuinely care.

Ian H. Moore
01/03/00
After a guelling 12 hour night shift with his eyes falling out of his skull.