~Garcia at Lollapalooza~
Cast: Garcia as himself

L’amore as Grateful Dead Bear salesman

Muddy as Chris Cornell

Bo as Brandon Boyd

Decade as Chali 2na

Rumba as Josh Homme

Carnation as Donna A.

Seadog as Perry Farrell

Sport as Dave Navarro

 

[SUPER: West Palm Beach, Florida, 8/5/03]

Garcia: Hmm, this “Lollapalooza” should be good. I’ve never heard of this before, maybe because I’m an old fart. But this should be great. I haven’t been to a concert since Woodstock ’99. I almost got killed there – back in ’69 it was all about peace. In 1999, it was all about Limp Bizkit. Pretty funny – I see someone selling Grateful Dead Beanie Bears, my faves.

Grateful Dead Bear salesman: Grateful Dead bears! Get your Grateful Dead Bears! Throw them at the bands that you think suck! Don’t sell them – they ain’t worth nothin’!

Garcia: You’re a good guy. I’ll take 10.

Grateful Dead Bear salesman: That’ll be $200.

Garcia: Damn it, it’s like Disney World here. You sell garbage that ain’t got no flavor for as much as you can get.

Grateful Dead Bear salesman: What can you say? Go complain to Jane’s Addiction – they started this whole tourfest thing.

Garcia: Hmm, Jane’s Addiction? Wonder why I haven’t heard of them?
Grateful Dead Bear salesman: They haven’t released a new album in 13 years. That’s why they’re doing this thing again. Perry Farrell is so poor and he needs a lot of money. That’s why I’m selling all of this.

Garcia: How much of the profits do you get?
Grateful Dead Bear salesman: Zilch. Oh, you better hurry up before all the good seats get taken. Audioslave is about to take the stage.

Garcia: Who in the world is Audioslave?
Grateful Dead Bear salesman: Guy from Soundgarden joined dudes from Rage Against the Machine. I don’t know them either.

Garcia: Well, I’m looking forward to hearing from them… only problem is, I hate Audioslave.

(open on stage at Lollapalooza)

Chris Cornell: Thank you, people! Are you ready to rock?
Garcia: Rock? What about the roll?
Chris Cornell: Don’t question the band. Anyway, are you ready to rock? (loud applause from audience)
Garcia: SHUT UP!!!
Chris Cornell: Okay, “Show Me How To Live”. 1, 2, 3… (band plays Audioslave’s “Show Me How To Live”) “Nail in my hand, from my creator, you gave me life, now show me how to live!”
Garcia: BOOOOO! You old-timers! You sound like fools! You’re singing about nothing! You’re the Jerry Seinfeld of rock bands!
Chris Cornell: Our music has meaning, baldy, and you better accept it. I’d love to get you thrown out if I could. Bye! See you in the next city, and enjoy Incubus!
Garcia: Incubus? Can you tell me who they are?
Chris Cornell: You ever hear that song “Drive” on the radio? That’s them.

Garcia: Oh, that song that makes no sense to me? Give me a break. (audience applauds)

Brandon Boyd: I’m Brandon Boyd from Incubus, and I just wanted to say, don’t be violent. Lollapalooza is about peace, just like Woodstock ’69 and ’94.

Garcia: Yeah! Vietnam doesn’t rock!
Brandon Boyd: Hippie. 1, 2, 3… (band plays Incubus’s “Drive”) “Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there…”
Garcia: BOOOOO! I had to hear that song ten thousand times on the radio! My kids love it!

Brandon Boyd: Did you bring your kids with you to enjoy, Grandpa?
Garcia: Don’t Grandpa me, Mr. Whatever Your Name Is!
Brandon Boyd: Well, you’re not gonna like the next act, Jurassic 5. They rap. Chali 2na, show Garcia what I’m talking about.

Chali 2na: (rapping) “I’m Chali 2-nay, and I’m hear to say, in the USA, what’s goin’ on today, is that the dude named Garci-ay better pay me so I can buy courvoiseur!”

Garcia: Woof! That stunk! And I thought Queens of the Stone Age were terrible! That Josh Homme… what kind of name is that?
Josh Homme: Are you making fun of my band and my name?
Garcia: Um… yeah. Why?
Josh Homme: I don’t think you belong here at Lollapalooza. Go find out where Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett are and they’ll sing to you whenever you feel like it.

Garcia: I hate Alan Jackson.

Josh Homme: Then I don’t understand what an old f—sorry, I think my girlfriend’s calling me, Donna A. from the Donnas.

Garcia: It says here her real name is Brett Anderson. I think she changed her name because Brett is a boy’s name.

Donna A.: First you make fun of my boyfriend’s name and now you make fun of mine? I’ve longed to find out the answer to the question I asked in one of my songs… who invited you?

Garcia: Some guy.

Donna A.: You know what? Everyone’s tired, and the audience is angry. Better send Jane’s Addiction up and head for the unemployment office.

Josh Homme: Let’s go, Brett. And, Garcia, a word of advice… don’t be making fun of Jane’s Addiction, or they’ll totally creep you out.

(audience cheers as Perry Farrell and Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction take the stage)
Perry Farrell: Thank you, everybody! If I hadn’t created the Lollapalooza tour 11 years ago, I wouldn’t have made it into the butt of many spoofs!

Dave Navarro: I’m getting rich off the money I made from doing that song with Michelle Branch, so I don’t care if I suck tonight!

Garcia: You already do!

Dave Navarro: Perry, ignore him. Let’s play.

Perry Farrell: Okay, “Been Caught Stealing”. 1, 2, 3!

Garcia: BOOOOO!
Perry Farrell: You idiot, we haven’t even played the song yet. Why are you booing us?
Garcia: Because I don’t like your music.

Dave Navarro: Then why did you come here?
Garcia: I thought it was good. I thought the Dead was playing here.

Dave Navarro: They live up to their name, don’t they, Perry?

Perry Farrell: You’re telling me, Dave.

Dave Navarro: Tell you what, take a free copy of the solo album I cut two years ago…

Garcia: I bought it and it sucked! Worst album since the “Star is Born” soundtrack!

Perry Farrell: You know what, you’re killing yourself here, old man.

Garcia: Don’t call me that!
Perry Farrell: Take it easy. I’ll give you double your money back, then get out and never come to any of our concerts again.

Garcia: Wow. Thank you, Mr. Farrell.

Dave Navarro: How come I don’t get a thank you?
Garcia: Don’t you get enough thank you’s from Carmen Electra? (walks away and stops to see the bear salesman again)

Grateful Dead Bear salesman: Wow, what happened?
Garcia: Bad concert experience.

Grateful Dead Bear salesman: I hate the bands too. Double your money back, man, that’s tripped out. Can you give me some money?
Garcia: You’re not THAT desperate.