~Birdhead Criticizes New Releases~
Cast: Colosso as Birdhead

Smartest as Mr. Luzer

Pappa as Orange Decade

Rumba as Orion

Tubbo as Bonzer

L’amore as Quivers

Chocolate as Tricky

Carnation as Fizz

 

Birdhead: These are the worst Beanies ever. I mean, Ty’s thought of a lot of better garbage before this. And where did he introduce these – Chicago? Oh, yeah, home of Ty Inc. Headquarters. And Ty Warner Park. Why don’t they name that auditorium “Ty Warner Town Hall”? Jeez-a-loo-zus. What has Ty Warner done for me lately? Nothin’. That’s why I make fun of all his Beanies and do a lot of stuff with them. You listening, Mister…

Mr. Luzer: Mister Luzer. My name is Luzer.

Birdhead: You must be a real loser! What kind of a last name is Luzer?
Mr. Luzer: I wish you wouldn’t make fun of my name. I supply these Beanies for die-hard collectors and you stand in their way.

Birdhead: Yep, that’s what I do.

Mr. Luzer: If you keep doing that I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Birdhead: That’s nice of you to tell me that, but no. Oh, is this the orange Decade I read about on the Internet, the one that’s supposed to stink?
Mr. Luzer: I don’t know if it is, but I can tell you, don’t make him mad.

Birdhead: Why? Is he going to beat me up with his army of colored Decade bears? What does he have against me?
Orange Decade: This is why you’re only one color, Birdhead. Ty doesn’t make Beanies in different colors for no reason.

Birdhead: Well, you sure proved a point… loser. You’ll never sell. The only way you’ll get sold is if people burn the whole lot of you.

Orange Decade: Take me! Take me! Please, somebody buy me! I don’t even care if you steal me!

Mr. Luzer: I told you not to make him upset. Oh, Orion is consoling him.

Orion: Sorry, Decade. (growls at Birdhead)
Birdhead: Wow, what big teeth you have… not! You can’t scare me with those, you cowardly lion! Go bite some candy! I’ll give you some if you bark like a dog.

Orion: I can’t bark like a dog, but I can growl like one.

Birdhead: No deal.

Orion: Okay, I propose a bargain: How about I chomp your head off for a million bucks?
Birdhead: How would I get the million? I’d be dead.

Orion: That’s the point. You die, you get nothing.

Birdhead: Can you at least bury me with the money in my hand?
Orion: What are you, a pimp? The pimp here is the new koala, Bonzer. He’s got the fur coat and all, and the ladies love him. They make him go… (growls at Birdhead)
Birdhead: I still think you need to use mouthwash. For a Beanie Baby, you stink.

Bonzer: Were you talking to me, Bubba?
Birdhead: Bubba? Don’t Bubba me. I’m Birdhead. And I don’t think you stink… I think you reek like heck! What does that leaf symbolize… that you’re Adam and I’m Eve? Gimme a break already!

Bonzer: I’m a koala. I eat eucalyptus leaves because it’s the only food I like. I’m so picky, I only like to eat leaves in which the name I don’t know how to spell.

Birdhead: Then learn how to spell it because there’s a Beanie Baby also with that name, and he stinks too. Realize it. You’re one in the stinky koala crowd. Have fun with your mates taking baths in mud.

Bonzer: I’m a sophisticated koala, you see. I’m not about taking baths in mud. And don’t start with my nose. “Oh, What am I, Jan Brady?” I hate that!
Birdhead: Then get used to it… people will make fun of you a lot.

Mr. Luzer: Why are you doing this to my Beanies? They’re petrified! And they hate your guts!

Quivers: Let me handle this… BOO!

Birdhead: Quivers, the new ghost bear. Grow some legs ‘cause you look like a snowman who just melted! Ghosts don’t wear scarves, but snowmen do, and you look like one, especially with that red nose!
Quivers: Shhhhuuttt uppppp! I’m happy to have a QQQQQ in my name, so now Quaaaaackers doesn’t feel left out. Think of that as Ty’s goaaaaal.

Birdhead: (mocking Quivers) You look like traaaash.

Quivers: How dare you mock me! I’m a newbie! Quit pushing the newwwww guy around!

Birdhead: You sound like a tree that just got cut down. Try to be a little less excruciating.

Quivers: I sound like a treeeeee? So I’m deaf-muuuuute? You loser!

Birdhead: You’re the loooooooser. Now, let’s see your friend, Tricky…

Quivers: Don’t give my friend a baaaaaad reviewwwww!

Birdhead: No. Tricky is a little pot-bellied pig disguised as a bear in a pumpkin costume. And… why are you brown and have horns?
Tricky: Because I wanted to be different. I don’t understand why I should be a green bear just because it’s Halloween. Brown is a harvest color.

Birdhead: Go harvest your butt off the shelf. Ty better retire you before October begins.

Tricky: Well, this is why my name is Tricky – I get that way if I don’t get my way.

Birdhead: I think your theory is trash. I can’t wait til your pumpkin rots… oh, wait – it already did.

Tricky: What am I going to do right now – cry?
Mr. Luzer: I think Tricky’s got you there, Birdhead. You’d better leave before Fizz sees this.

Birdhead: Oh, and what’s Fizz going to do? Tune me out with pink power?
Mr. Luzer: Maybe something more.

Tricky: Yeah. Fizz is terrible. Give her a bad review, she beats you up.

Birdhead: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I’m a well-respected critic.

(Fizz enters, staring at everyone)
Fizz: So, you Birdhead?
Birdhead: Yes.

Fizz: What do you think of me?
Birdhead: So, you’re Bubbly, the bear who can’t stand all the bubbles? The bear who’s so bubbly he can’t stop? Never heard of him.

Fizz: No, that was last weekend, buddy. I’m Fizz, and I want an honest review… and it better be good.

Birdhead: It was nice talking to you. (exits scene)

Fizz: What a fool.

Mr. Luzer: I agree with you.