~The Class Room~
Cast: L’amore as Fifi

Fancy as Natalia

Nuts as Squirrello

Decade as Nick Hollis

Smartest as Howard Tassel

 

Fifi: Bonjour, you have just entered “The Class Room”, the place where we talk about fancy-schmancy stuff. I am Fifi, and I am a poodle. I am the most sophisticated poodle I know of. Name me one other and I’ll say no. Here with me is my lovely wife and co-host, Natalia. Even though she’s a cat, we get along.

Natalia: How do you do?
Fifi: I do fine. We never liked the whole “cat chases dog, dog chases cat” thing. Too commercial. We’re not interested in that.

Natalia: But what we are interested in is that Tour De France cycling junk. We love it because it’s in France.

Fifi: If I could do a triathlon it would be a great thing, wouldn’t it, Natalia?
Natalia: Take a shower and get all that cheese smell out.

Fifi: After the show. Let’s get to it right now and talk to a good friend of ours from Canada. Please welcome the stunning Squirrello.

Squirrello: Bonjour, Madam Natalia, Monsieur Fifi. Love-a you both.

Natalia: I think that’s Italian.

Squirrello: Sacre Bleu! I spoke Italian!

Natalia: Well, I’ll rescue you. “Parlez-vous-francei? Yada yada French!”

Squirrello: That really helped me. Da, da.

Fifi: I think that’s Russian.

Squirrello: Whatever. I speak many language.

Fifi: Now, what brings you here to the Class Room?
Squirrello: Well, I wanted to talk to you about my new French course at Princeton. It’s called “Squirrellovision I” and it’s named after myself, of course. Everything I do, it’s named after myself.

Fifi: Then I should make, like Fifi cheese and Fifi TV and all this other stuff with my name on it? Good idea.

Squirrello: And I only use French perfume, drink French wine… I’m not interested in any other country’s stuff. I don’t like imported acorns. They taste like skunks.

Natalia: I ate Canadian peanuts once, and they tasted like syrup.

Fifi: Dog food from Mexico makes you gassy.

Squirrello: Yes. Anyway, about this course, I only teach French, and it’s very expensive because it’s fancy. If it’s expensive, it’s fancy. If it’s fancy, it’s expensive. I don’t want hoboes coming in for French lessons. They need to make money, then come to my French lessons.

Fifi: Why haven’t I thought of that idea?
Natalia: You only think about writing “Madeline” rip-offs.

Fifi: I can’t think of any other French names of 12 little girls in two straight lines!

Natalia: Think of something better, like that Harry Potter. He’s even got a movie.

Fifi: Madeline had a movie, too… it stunk.

Squirrello: Yes, I remember that. I think the guy who played Lord Covington is looking out the window.

Fifi: Nigel! Come in here if you want to talk!

Nick Hollis: Yes! Fine!

Fifi: Settles that. Ladies and gentlemen, Nigel Hawthorne, who played…

Nick Hollis: I’m not Nigel Hawthorne… I’m Nick Hollis! Nigel Hawthorne is dead!

Natalia: Oh, he’s dead… I forgot.

Nick Hollis: I’m coming up now to beat you… stinking stairs! Why did you have to…

Fifi: Stairs are fancy. Anyway, let’s meet our next guest who’s waiting backstage, he’s a fashion designer. Say hecklo… I’m sorry, I don’t say “hello” because it has “hell” in it. I want to be refined and sophisticated.

Natalia: Why do you say beavers live in dams?

Fifi: They live in dangs… darns… makes no sense. Anyway, he’s a fashion designer, please welcome Howard Tassel.

Howard Tassel: Thank you, Fifi and Natalia. Nice to meet you, Squirrello.

Squirrello: You heard of my French course?
Howard Tassel: I hear about everything. That’s why I’m an owl.

Squirrello: I’ll take ten of your wigs, if you have any…

Howard Tassel: I have plenty. I especially have a lot of the Monica Bellucci wig.

Squirrello: What, you want me to look like a Belucci? I’m not an Italiano!
Fifi: You two crack me up. Anyway, Howard, what do you design?
Howard Tassel: Fashions for burglars. I design a lot of outfits for the Hamburglar and his French cousin, the Cheeseburglar.

Natalia: That gives me an idea, stealing cheese… I especially love bleu cheese, because it sounds French.

Squirrello: Hmm, you guys are obsessed with being fancy and French. I have to tour all around the world to give millions of assemblies…

Howard Tassel: And I have to deal with crooks. You know, I did outfits for Winona Ryder when she stole from Saks Fifth Avenue.

Fifi: Cool. Well, that’s all the time we have…

(Nick Hollis enters)
Nick Hollis: I hate your stairs! I don’t understand why you couldn’t get an escalator in your building!

Howard Tassel: Is he a guest?
Natalia: Originally, but…

Nick Hollis: I’m gonna kill you, Fifi! (starts fighting with Fifi) Interrupt my sightseeing to think I’m some dead actor!

Howard Tassel: Squirrello, when’s the next flight to Spain?
Squirrello: Um… 10:00.

Natalia: See you next time on The Class Room.