~Weekend Update with Seadog~
Cast: Seadog as himself
Frisco as Emma Whiskers
Hodgepodge as Mr. Popular
Seadog: Good evening, I’m
Seadog. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Pompey back in the news, as a customer told Bean
Watcher that he got two Pompeys in the mail even though his requests to find
where they have been were denied. This is a happy ending for a Beanie collector
who paid $80 for his bears and could have paid $30 now.
Pompey Sport announced orders for the Pompey
Beanie Baby were lost during a computer crash. The orders were reportedly lost
in a crash involving the Squirmy the Worm Virus.
War against the Chubbley Bears began Wednesday
night with planes flying over Chubbley Headquarters and having it raided with
Beanies’ diapers as bombs. No casualties have been reported yet, but we’re sure
that all Chubbleys will be stained or dirty by April Fool’s Day.
The new Peace Bear was unveiled on Ty.com on Wednesday. The idea is great and is well anticipated, as the bear would honor the ideas of love and profit making.
Ty retired Luck-E on St. Patrick’s Day, two days after he hosted the chat with us… to promote his new movie “Kiss-E and Luck-E’s Box Office Bomb Spectacular!”.
Pictures of the Yours Truly Beanie Baby exclusive to Hallmark Gold Crown card members had surfaced on the Internet on Tuesday, which means Hallmark Gold Crown cardholders, can now have a chance to see the Beanie Baby even before they go to Hallmark. Just don’t keep screaming to your computer, “Can I hold it?”
Recently, Mr. Beanwell has had a little trouble on Yahoo, discovering a lot of inappropriate material on Yahoo while looking up IDs to come join us in chat. It crossed the line last Saturday when the chat was held in Messenger and sexual predators joined up. Here now to speak out is children’s safety/protection activist Emma Whiskers.
Emma Whiskers: Yeah! Seadog, the
reason why I am here today is to talk about pornography.
Seadog: Am I allowed to step
out for the time you’re speaking?
Emma Whiskers: No. Mr. Beanwell is innocently trying to run his
business: getting Beanie Babies collectors to come into his “Beanieday Night
Live” chats, and he stumbles upon pornography in the pages. A few names
beginning with the letter “A” he needed to report included messages in their
profiles like “Click here to see me naked” and “Click here to see me f***ing”.
If kids wanted that, they could have just watched the Howard Stern show. One ID
Mr. B had to report had naked pictures of her in her briefcase. What child would
go on the Beanie websites and want to look at that sleazy trash? If he wants it
he can just sneak into the girls’ locker room! And another ID he reported was a
girl who had a picture she drew of Bart and Lisa Simpson naked on there. And
who wants to see them naked? They’re little kids from a cartoon who speak a
language different from mine! That little brat likes saying “damn”, “hell”, and
“ass” too much! What’s up with that? And during the last Beanieday Night Live,
a couple entered the chat desiring cyber-sex! Adults too are unhappy about
this. Why would anyone want to look up an innocent collectible only to find
naked pictures or sexual dialogue? Cover up and don’t burn the children’s eyes!
These sexually crazed jerks will see what’s coming to them!
Seadog: Next time can you please talk to Dr. Phil about this and not me?
Emma Whiskers: No! I am a
speaker for the Beanies! I am a speaker for the children of Beanie collectors!
They will not have to take this garbage!
Seadog: Emma Whiskers,
everybody! (under breath) I’m going to have nightmares.
The Ty Store was redecorated Monday with spring
decors and a bear peeking out the window instead of a bunny. Ty made the switch
because the bear ate the bunny.
On Wednesday, Ms. Janie celebrated her website
anniversary. We wish the best of luck to Ms. Janie and her lovable sock puppet
dog mascot. Oops, wrong website.
According to a Hallmark employee, Yours Truly will be limited to one per customer per day. In other news, Frigid, Morrie, Wiggly, and Dinky will be limited to 20 per customer per hour.
A pattern of numbers appear on the Decade Beanie
Baby, with sparkles forming the numbers “1” “2” and “3”. In a related story,
the letters “F” and “U” appear on the sparkles on the 2001 Signature Bear.
John McDonough, vice president of marketing and
broadcasting for the Chicago Cubs, recently told Publicity.org about the
success of sponsorships such as the first Beanie Baby promotion. In other news,
Sammy Sosa says that he’s going to marry the 1998 All-Star Game Glory Beanie.
Dianne E. Butts, the author of the book Beanie
Baby Stories, held a seminar today in Lamar, California, called “How to find
markets and submit your work”. Diane was very pleased with the attendance,
especially when they crowd chanted at the end, “I like Dianne E. Butts and I
cannot lie.”
And now, back again after a month long absence is
entertainment correspondent Mr. Popular.
Mr. Popular: What’s up,
Seadog?
Seadog: Well, when you left us
I thought you’d never come back. Who’s big in the Beanie stores right now?
Mr. Popular: If you buy only one Beanie this year, it should be Yours
Truly. That Beanie has got game. And by game, she’s valuable. Booties the cat
is doing great in the Info Beanie polls. People don’t really like her as much
as Yours Truly because she’s black.
Seadog: Oh, come on. Don’t
judge each Beanie every time you come on here. Last time you came here, you
said Snocap’s long white fur was better than Sly’s.
Mr. Popular: Audience, what do
you think? (nothing)
Seadog: Don’t believe
everything you hear. You’re not called Mr. Popular for anything.
Mr. Popular: You know, I hate
to read who’s not popular.
Seadog: Who’s on that list?
Mr. Popular: You. It says here “You can find Seadog at over one million
Ty retailers. He’s a common dynamo. Y’all feel it?”
Seadog: It really says that in USA Today?
Mr. Popular: I was reading USA Today? I wrote that on a fake newspaper I
got at a carnival.
Seadog: And I really am unpopular?
Mr. Popular: Okay, in this article it says “Seadog Sucks” as the
headline and reads “Beanieday Night Live cast Beanie Seadog delivers lewd punch
lines and offensive material on the Weekend Update segment, making many Beanie
Babies disappointed.”
Seadog: Did you see that activist who came in here a few minutes ago?
What do you think of her?
Mr. Popular: Oh, Emma. We’re dating.
Seadog: You’re dating that activist?
Mr. Popular: Uh-huh. In other big dating news, Peace has just started
going out with Serenity the dove.
Seadog: I think they’ll make a great couple with what’s going on with the Chubbley Bears right now.
Mr. Popular: But I did hear that the new Peace bear
wants in on the dating fun. Who does he have?
Seadog: The new Peace should wait a few years, then Ty will probably
make another Peace bear or something for him.
Mr. Popular: Was I funny?
Seadog: No.
Mr. Popular: Okay, then. I guess I’ll be going.
Seadog: Mr. Popular, everybody!
Wednesday night we began war on Iraq. In light of
these events, Ty has postponed the release of the rare Iraq exclusive bear
Saddam to the 12th of never.
Good luck to all the troops serving our country in Iraq. That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.