~Dog Talk~
Cast: Hodgepodge as Dog Griffin

Seadog as Holmes

Frisco as Cat 1

Carnation as Cat 2

Nectar as Spotty

Baby Girl as Spotty Junior

 

Announcer: This is Dog Talk, with your host, Dog Griffin.

Dog Griffin: Good evening, and welcome to “Dog Talk”. I’m Dog Griffin, and I talk to dogs about dogs and what they’re up to, so let’s get right to it and introduce our first guest. He was February’s Beanie of the Month, but was recently silently retired, please welcome Holmes! How are you, Holmes?

Holmes: Thank you, thank you. I’m good. Thank you.

Dog Griffin: So, Ty retired you. How does that make me feel?
Holmes: Stupid Groom. If he hadn’t hogged first place in the Info Beanie polls I would have been it. But no, Ty had to retire me. I feel very, very tired.

Dog Griffin: Hmm. Well, I’ve met all the current Beanie Babies, and they are outta order. I mean, how many cats does Ty release? You’ve got Booties, Tabs, Cappuccino, Carnation… how many of these do we have to chase? I get older by the day and I have to chase more and more cats! By the time I’m 50 in dog years all of Ty’s Beanies will be cats!

Holmes: I’m sure you remember Ty’s first four plush toys were cats.

Dog Griffin: I remember that, then came us. I still wonder what it would be like in a world of cats…

(fantasy sequence)

Cat 1: 18 years ago, Ty first created my mom Angel. Since them all of the things this guy created were cats. What do you think?
Cat 2: I don’t know, but I’m glad I live in a world without dogs.

Cat 1: You got that right.

Cat 2: Yeah. I’m happy and healthy ‘cause I don’t have to run away from them.

(back to show)
Dog Griffin: What the… Okay, so in your new book, “Chicken Soup For the Cat Hater’s Soul,” you discuss the principles of a dog who loves chasing cats, but what about those dogs who just hate it so much they die every time they smell a cat?
Holmes: Oh, I can’t imagine that. I’m retired. Let me enjoy my time off.

Dog Griffin: Well, it was great seeing you. Anyway, I wanted to share with the viewers an email sent to me by a fan of Holmes: “Mr. Griffin, please don’t invite Beanies of the Month on your show when it’s not their month. You booked Holmes too little too late. He’s too old now.” Whoops. My mistake. I wanted to watch him on Leno but I think I’ll sleep through it instead. Maybe I’ll watch one of those guest hosts on Letterman. Too old, that Holmes. He should go into the retirement Holmes. Well, here’s someone who isn’t too old, though, my daughter Spotty.

Spotty: Like, hello.

Dog Griffin: Okay. You saw our last guest, didn’t you?
Spotty: I can’t believe it. I hate those old people. They smell like cabbage. I had to eat so much cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, even looking at it made me sick. Even hearing someone say “cabbage” made me sick.

Dog Griffin: That’s young people talk. I like that. Now, talk about dogs.

Spotty: Did you know male dogs drool every minute I’m around?

Dog Griffin: You are the youngest (bleep) I have ever seen!
Spotty: I’d prefer if you didn’t call me that.

Dog Griffin: Old?

Sneakysly34: how about pickled onion and jam sandwich
Spotty: No, the other thing that began with…

Dog Griffin: Beautiful. Okay, now you brought your sister with us who is 3 in dog years?
Spotty: Yeah, and she can talk, too. Ladies and gentlemen, Spotty Junior.

Spotty Jr.: Hi! I on show now! Chirpy-chirpy-woof-woof!
Dog Griffin: Is the father a bird or something?
Spotty: I mean, I wouldn’t go off and marry one of those birds. Glider is one ugly-butt bird. I hate his guts and he looks like a masked dude.

Dog Griffin: I see.

Spotty Jr.: My daddy had beaky-weeky! He was big and black!

Spotty: I did have a thing for Baldy the eagle, but he was afraid of me…

Spotty Jr.: She feeds me birdseed!
Dog Griffin: You feed your baby sister birdseed?
Spotty: It’s not like I’m rich… I can’t afford decent dog food so I have to get what I can get, but all I found were poison mushrooms and birdseed. I don’t want my baby to die off a poison mushroom, so I gave her the birdseed. I didn’t know birdseed actually turns you into a bird.

Spotty Jr.: Chirp-chirp-chirp! I wanna learn to fly!
Spotty: No, you don’t! I have to take you to the vet!
Spotty Jr.: Why? I want to fly like my daddy!
Spotty: Hmm, okay, but why don’t we give it a few years. We’ll be back in a minute. (takes Spotty and flies off set)
Dog Griffin: Um… Spotty, everyone! I’m speechless! When we come back, we have Snoop Dogg here to perform his hit “Beautiful” and a scientist who believes he has created an antidote which keeps dogs from flying. That would probably be good for Spotty. We’ll be right back… actually, I think we’ll have to cut all ten minutes we have Snoop Dogg on the show or else I’ll get fired. So, to fill it up, more with Spotty and her sister. Be right back on “Dog Talk”.