~Date With a Bird~
Cast: Nectar as Linda

Baby Boy as Joey

Carnation as waitress

Eggs III as customer

Baby Girl as customer’s daughter

Smitten as customer’s mother

Gracie as Linda’s mother

 

Linda: So, this is your first time with a bird?
Joey: Yeah. I’ve stuck with bears so long I can’t bear it any longer.

Linda: Well, I’ve dated so many bees, I made it a habit to marry them, divorce them, and steal their honey.

Joey: I did the same thing to the bears I dated.

Linda: So, what’s your name?
Joey: I’m Joey. People like to call me “Joe Schmo” and “Joey Doughy”. I’m neither an idiot nor a fat “A”.

Linda: I’m Linda. People like to stare at me because I’ve got a sexy beak.

Joey: Yeah, that is huge. But I like it. Hummingbirds are beautiful.

Linda: Thanks for saying that. I want to be a singer, but people don’t like that I hum so much. They think I sound like a 14-year-old girl struggling on a final exam. “Hmm? What’s the answer to this question? Hmm?”
Joey: You’re funny, too. I like a creature with a sense of humor.

Waitress: How may I take your orders?
Joey: Um, I’ll have the honey-baked ham with a honey-glazed potato. And for drink, I’ll have… Honey Delight.

Waitress: Honey D. Good choice. And for the lovely lady?
Linda: How you said that, you must be attracted to me. Creatures like you are supposed to eat me.

Waitress: You’re slim. I only eat fat birds. Anyway, what do you want to eat?
Linda: Just get me an ant farm and some Vanilla Coke.

Waitress: Okay. Now, how many ants?
Linda: Ten. I’m on a diet.

Waitress: Okay… can’t believe I had to be a waitress. Millions of jobs in the world and I had to be a waitress.

Joey: So, have you scared waitresses away like that before?
Linda: Not as bad as her. The most I can do is say “oops” before a waitress walks away.

Joey: I know; that’s a turn-off.

Linda: I love eating insects. It’s my favorite kind of food. I just don’t understand why people are afraid of me because I eat bugs. My favorites are the juicy, poisonous kinds. Mm-mm-mm.

Joey: It’s good for the environment.

Linda: Yeah.

Customer: Hi. Um, listen, my daughter is a little grossed out by your conversation. Is it all right if you keep it down and stop being so graphic about your favorite foods?

Linda: You know, that’s your problem. If you don’t like it, why don’t you go to McDonald’s?

Customer: You know what? I think I will do that…

Customer’s daughter: Yay! McDonald’s!
Customer: …but I came here for my mother’s birthday and I will stay.

Customer’s daughter: Aw… why do we have to celebrate your mother’s birthday?
Customer: If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t be here, and if not, you wouldn’t be here.

Linda: Listen, the two of us are on a date and thought we’d come here. It’s a nice restaurant that we both like. We’ll try to keep the conversation to a minimum.

Customer: Okay, thank you. It’s just my kid was uncomfortable.

Joey: I’m sorry, but you know, it’s great that we’re out together, and we’re having a good time, but maybe we shouldn’t have come here. This is more of a fancy place, and I didn’t expect you’d be ordering anything… antsy.

Linda: Antsy?
Joey: Yeah. You can get ants anywhere. I came for ham.

Linda: Besides bugs, I also like to eat leaves. That’s why I ordered a salad with mine.

Joey: I’m a carnivore, so I stick with ham. The good thing about eating ham at a restaurant is that the pig isn’t in pain.

Linda: True.

Joey: And the thing with pigs is that if I eat them in the wild, they always scream and bite. And the taste stinks. They taste so muddy when eating them alive.

Customer: Um, pardon, but my mother is screaming at my table.

Linda: Oh, boy. Not you again.

Joey: What seems to be the problem now?
Customer: My mom hears you talking about eating pigs alive and is screaming and shouting.

Customer’s mother: AAAH! This cannibal eats pigs alive! AAAH!
Joey: You’ve never seen a bear in his natural habitat? Shame on you!
Customer: Shame on me? This is my mother you’re scaring! She’s celebrating her 90^th birthday!
Customer’s mother: AAAH! Oh, my lungs! (collapses)
Customer: AAH! Look what you two have done! My mother is dead! If it weren’t for you two…

Joey: You should have gone to McDonald’s.

Customer: I’ll see you in court!
Linda: Joey, I’m sorry, but you’re right. Maybe we should have gone someplace else. This restaurant doesn’t appeal to us.

Joey: Maybe we were meant for each other… we gross people out so much, we drive people away from what they’re doing.

Waitress: Here’s your food, you murderers. Eat up and get out.

Linda’s mother: You listen to me, you fool, this is my daughter you’re dealing with! I can’t defend her fowl language…

Waitress: Ha-ha. Fowl.

Linda’s mother: You better let her eat here or else your business will be shut down! I work for the food council!

Linda: Mom, why did you come here?
Linda’s mother: When I heard about when you scared away that family.

Waitress: Um… okay. Just eat here as long as you want. And you get free refills on your drinks. Bye!
Linda: We really were meant for each other, Joey.

Joey: Yeah. You have a nice mom, too.

Linda’s mother: That waitress and family won’t take no garbage from me.