~Abraham Lincoln~

Cast: Seadog as Abraham Lincoln

Scat as Mary Todd Lincoln

Eggs III as host

Carnation as Clara Harris

Bandito as Henry Rathbone

Woody as Harry Hawk

Hodgepodge as John Wilkes Booth

Smitten as doctor

 

Announcer: Coming up next on the History Channel, some dog in “The Last Moments of Abraham Lincoln”.

Abraham Lincoln: Well, this is a great way to spend the night… with my beautiful wife watching a play at Ford’s Theater.

Mary Todd Lincoln: It was a long war, and I’m glad you finally brought peace with both sides.

Lincoln: Yeah. If only it could be like this every day. The north and south fought like dogs vs. cats.

Mary Todd: Huh?
Lincoln: Just… whatever.

Host: And now, ladies and gentlemen, “Our American Cousin” starring Laura Keene and John Wilkes Booth.

Lincoln: I thought we were going to see “Aladdin”.

Mary Todd: I don’t want you laughing at Robin Williams.

Lincoln: Who’s Robin Williams?

Clara Harris: Like you know. Robin Williams is a famous comedian.

Henry Rathbone: Yeah, you know, he’s like “Are we fighting the war or what?” and then he goes out and gets his gun, and says “Shoot the guy! Shoot the guy!”

Clara Harris: You can’t say, “shoot” in a crowded theater, you dingbat.

Henry Rathbone: Some people are watching the play.

Harry Hawk: Heh, heh.  Don’t know the manners of good society, eh?  Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal - you sockdologizing old mantrap. Why aren’t you laughing? You people don’t know entertainment if it lost a war!

(laughter)

Mary Todd: Good thing we didn’t go to Aladdin.

Lincoln: I like this guy already.

Henry Rathbone: Look, it’s our president, Abraham Lincoln!

(orchestra plays “Hail to the Chief”)

Clara Harris: All that for you, Abraham? You should be proud.

Lincoln: That I am, for I cannot tell a lie.

Mary Todd: That’s Washington.

Lincoln: I know my own life.

John Wilkes Booth: Yeah, I know that’s the president. He’s here because he’s helping the south, isn’t he? Well, he’s dead meat. (leaps onto presidential box and shoots Lincoln)

Lincoln: Yow! My achin’ heart!
Mary Todd: Oh, my god! That man shot Lincoln!
Henry Rathbone: Somebody call 9-1…

Booth: You’re dead meat too, Rathbone! (stabs his arm)
Henry Rathbone: 1.

Clara Harris: You heard him! Call 911!

(Next scene takes place at the Peterson House)

Doctor: Are you sure you’re going to be fine?
Lincoln: No.

Doctor: Somebody help him!
Mary Todd: Abe, I love you. Please feel better soon.

Lincoln: I’m not going to make it. There’s one thing I want to say to you before I die…

Mary Todd: Yes, dear?
Lincoln: Can they perform an encore in heaven?
Mary Todd: You’re crazy, Abe.

Lincoln: Sorry, that slipped. I love you with all my heart, and I will watch over you from heaven.

Mary Todd: I’ll pray for you, but I won’t let the actors do an encore for you.

Lincoln: You can’t let them do that! I’m President Lincoln!

Announcer: Stay tuned for the conclusion of “The Last Moments of Abraham Lincoln”.