~Catty Couric Reports: Raiders Riots~
Cast: Carnation as Catty Couric

Hodgepodge as Ace

Rusty as Bull

Dippy as Mary Lou

Peace as himself

 

Catty Couric: Good evening, this is NBC News. I’m Catty Couric. This week, fans around the world have cheered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as their Super Bowl champions, however, it’s struck a recurring issue in Oakland, California: riots by Raiders fans. Hope you’ll understand what we have to say tonight on Catty Couric Reports: Raiders Riots. When the Oakland Raiders won the playoffs and got into the Super Bowl, fans of the Raiders started riots and torched down cars and buildings. And when they lost the Super Bowl last Sunday, they did it again, and it was just as worse as last time. The police needed to bring in the tear gas. Come on, people! The tear gas! It makes you cry! That’s why it’s called tear gas! Here with us tonight on the show are some of the people who got involved in these riots. First, let’s welcome the tough-guy dog that claims he’s the Raiders’ biggest fan and hates all other football teams, Ace.

Ace: Yo, yo, yo, thanks fo havin me.

Catty Couric: Now, do you understand most Beanie Baby dogs don’t use slang like that?
Ace: Yo, I represent Ty Warner, y’all. Show some love, baby.

Catty Couric: Uh… anyway, why did you participate in these riots?
Ace: I want to show these homeys who don’t like the Raiders that we’re gonna kick some Beanie behind!

Catty Couric: Wait, wait, you’re saying you don’t like Beanie Babies?
Ace: Only Beanies from Tampa.

Catty Couric: You had me very worried. We are nervous because we might be fighting a war against the Chubbley Bears, who, because of the market decline, are doing better than us. How do you feel?
Ace: I feel bad, y’all. I mean, we gotta represent here and these Chubbley dudes hate us for it.

Catty Couric: Great. I feel like we accomplished nothing. I’m cutting you off because if I leave you on my producer will fire me.

Ace: Hey, man, you can’t shut me down ‘cause of yo producer man!
Catty Couric: I’m bouncin’. Anyway, now that that’s over, let’s introduce another Beanie Baby who participated in these very, very sick acts after the Super Bowl, Bull.

Bull: How you doin’?
Catty Couric: So Bull, I heard that you took part in the damage of a truck carrying televisions, and the damage cost nearly half a million dollars. Are you sympathetic?
Bull: Forget about it. We just do what we do.

Catty Couric: Come on, Bull. After rioting you know…

Bull: Hey, hey, we riot because we want to send a message. Tampa, we’re comin’ back next year.

Catty Couric: What if Tampa isn’t in the Super Bowl next year?
Bull: They got the best defense in football. They’re comin’ back.

Catty Couric: You’ve got diddley squat compared to the Bucs.

Bull: The Cali fans should get what they deserve. Although I’m from Joy-sey, I’m a big fan of the California Raiders.

Catty Couric: You’re lying. Let me guess – you only went because Bon Jovi performed after the game?
Bull: Yeah. I took part in a different riot. I rioted because I wanted Bon Jovi to perform more.

Catty Couric: But that truck…

Bull: I saw other people doing it and I only damaged it because I thought it was ‘cause of Bon Jovi.

Catty Couric: You are a sick Beanie Baby. I mean, just because of Bon Jovi?
Bull: I didn’t even get Jon’s autograph!
Catty Couric: I’ll buy you one if you just get off the stupid show! Okay, we have him cut. Here with us now is another Beanie Baby who was one of the rioters after the big game, Mary Lou.

Mary Lou: Well, howdy-do, little muffin. Mind if I burn down your car?
Catty Couric: I want my mommy. Now, where do you come from?
Mary Lou: I’m from Texas, and I wanted to go to the Super Bowl with my husband, who works as a bodyguard for Shania Twain, who was the main act at halftime. I’m a big fan of both Shania and the Raiders, so I tagged along.

Catty Couric: And what did you do when the Raiders lost?
Mary Lou: Well, first, I threw a football at the Lombardi Trophy so I could try to break it, and since it didn’t work I just threw footballs everywhere. I’m dang guilty.

Catty Couric: Now, you’re a southern lady, and southern ladies are supposed to be kind and good role models.

Mary Lou: Sweetie, listen to me. I want my Raiders to get that trophy or nobody does!
Catty Couric: Don’t you like the Cowboys?
Mary Lou: Those Cowboys are an embarrassment to Dallas! They have overrated cheerleaders, too!

Catty Couric: Are you the most violent Beanie Baby I’ve met? I should hook you up with this dog that talks like Martin Lawrence…

Mary Lou: …always with the silver and blue! Those are the worst colors ever!

Catty Couric: Okay, thanks for your feedback. John Walsh, if you’re watching right now, please, lock her up. Let’s go live to Ty Headquarters in Chicago, where activist Peace the bear is slated to give an address.
Peace: All the Beanie Babies who rioted at that game should be PUNISHED! Here’s how: we should take their tails, cut them off, and mail them to the guys that make footballs! The best footballs are made of pigskin, but the better footballs are made of PIGTAILS! These people and Beanies should be ashamed of themselves. War is not the answer. At least for now. If we can’t make peace with you people, Ty will do everything he can to turn back time and make sure he never created you. Ty wants money, not violence. Don’t destroy things – you only ruin the Ty Corporation with hatred. Thank you.

Catty Couric: Wonderful speech. Coming up next, a sneak preview of the new reality show “The Shelf-Real Life” where Beanie Babies who used to be rare like Princess and Fuzz live together in one house. We’ll be right back.