~Weekend Update with Seadog~

Cast: Seadog as himself

Decade as Great Bear

Frisco as Virunga

Colosso as scientist

Red White & Blue as Uncle Sam

 

Seadog: Good evening, I’m Seadog. Here are tonight’s top stories:

 

The manageress of a store that sells Beanies said there might be a Canadian HERO bear coming soon. All proceeds will go to save Ty Canada so that unfortunate people can get their Beanies again. However, I’m planning to buy mine from a secondary market dealer who’s donating his proceeds to PBS to save “Reading Rainbow”. Let’s not also forget, Canada is not taking part of the fighting in Iraq, and they booed our national anthem! I wouldn’t be made into some special charitable helper if I booed the Chubbley Bears’ national anthem. As a matter of fact, since I hate the Chubbley Bears, why don’t I do that now? Great Bear, come on and sing!

Great Bear: “O Chubbley Bears, O Chubbley Bears, we love to beat up Beanies! O Chubbley Bears, O Chubbley Bears, we love to beat up Beanies!”
Seadog: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Great Bear, everybody!

 

Anyway, the point of the bear was to acknowledge the countries serving in Iraq. The US, the UK, and Australia, yes. Canada – go back to saying “eh” and punishing BJ Smith. Don’t give us a HERO bear because you’re not heroes. And fight your own damn cause to get Beanies back. Do something worth your time.

 

A Planet Beans viewer said that there should be a HERO for Poland. I’d be glad if they did because I can’t make fun of them for having an accent. I don’t even know if they even have one.

 

Problems with Beanies in Canada, as I said, still continue. Order service has not been restored, and receivership hasn’t been settled, which means no new Beanies were able to enter. That’s because as we feared Canadians would bring us SARS, Canadians were scared our Beanies contained anthrax.

 

Ty has started shipping Australian HERO bears to those who ordered them. In response to rumors, Ty stated, “No, a dingo did not eat your Australian HERO.”

 

Well, it seems fans predicted right – Ty’s June 2003 Beanie of the Month is a gorilla. Virunga was unveiled on Ty’s website on Monday morning. Now you can’t say that King Kong wearing a pin that says “Beanie of the Month” is retarded.

 

We have the Beanie of the Month here because scientists forced her to come. Ladies and gentlemen, Virunga.

Virunga: GRR! GRR!
Seadog: So, doctor, what does Virunga do?
Scientist: I’m not a doctor. I’m an amateur.

Seadog: So you’re not really a scientist?
Scientist: I AM a scientist, dang it! I don’t have my degree yet! What we’re trying to get Virunga to do is to jump over fire because she comes from an area with all kinds of volcanoes and stuff, but most importantly, we feel she should make contact with human life.

Seadog: So you want it to communicate with the dude at Burger King who says, “May I take your order, you smelly ape?”
Scientist: No. I’d like to travel the world with it. I’d go on tours… opening act for the Barnum and Bailey circus, maybe… anyway, I wanna be rich. Say something to her, Seadog.

Seadog: Me Seadog. Me reporter on the Weekend Update. What news is going on right now?
Virunga: GRR! ARGH!

Seadog: Nothing, hmm? Yeah, it is slow. Want a banana?
Virunga: GRR! THAT IS A STEREOTYPE! NOT ALL MONKEYS LIKE BANANAS! I WANT BROCCOLI!
Seadog: I thought you were hungry.

Scientist: She talked! It’s a miracle! Now I can put my kids through college! Thank you, Seadog!
Virunga: NEVER FEED ME AGAIN! GRRR!
Seadog: Virunga and her scientist, everybody!

 

This Wednesday Sal’s Attic webmaster Sally Grace revealed that the Tyra Attic Treasure with pom-poms was not included in the site’s price guides because Ty had never officially sold them. If Ty officially sold these Tyras, they would be included in the price guide at the lovely price of five dollars.

 

Rumor has it that the lilac Sherbet Beanie Baby will be the rarest in the set of new Sherbets. As for the food sherbet, I’d like mine well done with a little steak sauce.

 

Ty retailers can no longer order Red White & Blue and Red Beanie Babies, as well as Iceberg and Baby Iceberg Ty Classics. In a related story, Ty retailers can never order Playboy.

 

Enter to win two unreleased Chubbley Bears at Bearsandbeans.com, Klondike and Nugget, in the Chubbley Lottery, or as I like to call it, the Anti-American Lottery.

 

Chubbley Corners will be celebrating their first anniversary throughout the month of June. Congratulations on a year of success, and beware of the new Sherbet trio who’s planning to eat your Chubbley Cubs.

 

The Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack is no longer for sale at the Ty Store, and a curtain with the shade down has replaced the image of the backpack. That means for all your back to school needs, go to Wal-Mart, the department store where no one’s a copout.

 

Here now to explain why the Beanie-buying market is hoping to do better with USA exclusives is Uncle Sam.

Uncle Sam: Thank you, America. The USA exclusives are supposed to be a symbol of pride and value to the American people, and to trade in for exclusives from countries we can’t go to just by driving half an hour. But the American market is very much declining, and as an American, I believe Ty should draw away from countries that hate us! That way, we’ll have less to ship to!
Seadog: Is that really true? Is Ty shipping to too many locations?
Uncle Sam: Yes, Seadog. For instance, Korea. He ships to Korea, but Korea hates us! Look at that Kim Jong Il person…

Seadog: I haven’t heard about him in very long, so I don’t understand why you’re afraid.

Uncle Sam: Okay, I was able to get people to enlist in the armed forces, and I’ve been putting up posters saying “I want you” to get people to buy more Beanies, and maybe the American market will do better because of me.

Seadog: You think?
Uncle Sam: I’m a thinker AND a doer. You can’t lose, Seadog. Just buy Beanies more often. Ty is making too much and too many countries are being shipped Beanies. And I can also blame the crisis in Canada for this. Canada needs Beanies so we don’t have too much.

Seadog: So, to have a stronger market, we just ruin Canada’s?
Uncle Sam: That’s my opinion.

Seadog: I should start doing that. Anyway, great to see you.

Uncle Sam: You too. Good night, America!
Seadog: Uncle Sam, everybody! That’s the news; good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!