~Today~

Cast: Bo as Cat Lauer

Carnation as Catty Couric

Tubbo as Al Croaker
Neon as Sara Susselsoff

Sport as security guard

Fancy as Ann Flurry

 

Cat Lauer: Good morning, and welcome to the Today show. I’m Cat Lauer. We also have Catty Couric here.

Catty Couric: Good morning, Cat. Pretty funny seeing it’s two cats here working together.

Cat Lauer: They should start calling this the Catday show! Anyway, for those of you still curious, yes, I am an ugly bald cat. They shaved me because – well, I don’t know why.

Catty Couric: I kept all of my hair because I don’t like the Sinead O’Connor look. Too 90’s. I’m going for that Tabs the cat look here. What kind of look do you want for the summer, Cat?
Cat Lauer: I want to look like a normal human being. Anyway, before we get to the news, here’s the weather with Al Croaker. Al, will it be a sunny day today in New York?
Al Croaker: Well, put on your bathing suits, put on your sunscreen, and take off your shirts unless you’re a chick cause it’s going to be a warm one today! I’m already looking for those delicious bees that keep on hiding in my bushes. I especially like those big, juicy dragonflies.

Cat Lauer: Trying to broaden your horizons?
Al Croaker: Yes. I’ve eaten all kinds of insects and I think I’ll try some more.

Cat Lauer: Let us know when you find something good I like.

Al Croaker: Oh, you won’t like anything I eat. Too gooey.

Cat Lauer: Well, thanks for your input.

Catty Couric: We have a big story at the hour: Al Croaker is pregnant with his first child. Guess he’s desperate to get rid of that fat.

Al Croaker: I’m big boned!
Catty Couric: I’m not sure who wrote that… Anyway, if you haven’t read the new “Harry Potter” book, don’t – it doesn’t come out for another two weeks. Here now to explain why is a fan of the Potter books, Sara Susselsoff.

Sara Susselsoff: Thanks, Catty.

Catty Couric: Sara, you were arrested last month for what?
Sara Susselsoff: Well, one day in the merry month of May I was strolling through the park.

Catty Couric: Jaywalking? Those monsters…

Sara Susselsoff: What are you talking about? I didn’t even finish.

Catty Couric: Jays can’t walk! They can fly, but they can’t walk! How can you be arrested for flying?
Sara Susselsoff: Right. Anyway, I found in the field a copy of the book, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”, and I didn’t even realize it until I noticed the cover. I thought it was the last book, “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”, so I went to pick it up and I wanted to know if anyone dropped it because if not I would have taken it for myself.

Catty Couric: You’re obsessed with it, then?
Sara Susselsoff: Yes. As a matter of fact, my mom just had twins – a boy and a girl – and I had her name them Ron and Hermoine.

Cat Lauer: She’s ultra-obsessed, isn’t she, Catty?
Sara Susselsoff: You’re right, ugly bald guy.

Cat Lauer: Well, at least she noticed I was ugly. Think I should go with the Coolio look next time?
Sara Susselsoff: Hmm. Well, I took the book and read it. When the police found me, they chased me like in those Benny Hill skits, then they caught me. I was sentenced 15 days in prison for possessing a bootleg copy.

Catty Couric: You handled it well, right?
Sara Susselsoff: Not really. The inmates at juvie thought I was a nerd and I got beaten up every day. I’m not a nerd – I’m more of a spazz.

Cat Lauer: Well, you’re a good girl, and I think you’ll get out of it just fine… (whispering) Catty, get the security guards. (normal voice) and it was nice seeing you.

Sara Susselsoff: You know, Cat, I have a little surprise for you… I can turn into a Beanie Baby! Ha-ha-ha-ha…

Catty Couric: Nah, you can’t. Get her.

Security guard: All right, you punk, nobody messes with Harry Potter. Get out.

Sara Susselsoff: You’re going to hear from my lawyer, NBC!
Security guard: Sure we will, and the NBC peacock really is a peacock.

Catty Couric: Um… let’s go to Ann Flurry at the news desk.

Ann Flurry: Thanks, Catty. You look like you got sunburned…

Catty Couric: Yes. This is a grade P sunburn, which means I got the pinkest sunburn I can get. I’ll never get a hot pink look.

Ann Flurry: If I get any sun I’ll melt. Anyway, here’s one of the big stories we’re getting today: a Canadian HERO bear may be released soon. Remember when you got to see the HERO bear, Catty?
Catty Couric: Yes, I remember.

Ann Flurry: Well, now I think you’re going to have to bring in another one. Someone told a collector there might be one, and now I think it’s going to be true because most rumors about new Beanies now are true. The only one so far this year that wasn’t true comes in from February: “Comfy the bear, Milk the cow, Stormy the dog, Mommy and Daddy bears.” What kind of liar wrote that?
Cat Lauer: I have no idea.

Ann Flurry: Quiet, Baldy.

Catty Couric: Hey, you do look like Baldy the eagle in that suit.

Cat Lauer: Would it make you happy if I wear a toupee tomorrow?
Ann Flurry: It would. It really, really would.

Catty Couric: We have to take a break. Stay tuned when we have people talk about the G-8 summit and when I play Bingo with them to see why it should have been called the B-8 summit. And only people with long, beautiful hair are coming back. Before we go, we leave you with Al Croaker’s forecast.

Al Croaker: Thanks, Catty. It’s gonna be hot, hot, hot! And when we come back, I’ll be participating in New York’s first annual bee-eating contest – I know I’m going to win because I’m competing against humans! We’ll be right back!