~The Golden Paw Awards~
Cast: Sport as Bruno
Frisco as Fran the Feline
Smartest as John Johnson
Carnation as Mary-Kate Olsen Cat
Fancy as Ashley Olsen Cat
Tubbo as Ruben Studdard
Red White & Blue as Clay Aiken
Announcer: To recognize the honor
of cats, it’s the only annual Golden Paw Awards, with your host, Bruno the dog!
Bruno: Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Bruno the dog. I don’t know why I’m
hosting a show direct to cats. I saw “Cats” one time before it closed, and I
said, “I’m never going to see another cat again. This stunk.” Well, now I have
to deal with so many cats here. Okay, now for the award for Most Talkative Cat
of the Year. And the nominees are: Joan Rivers the cat, Howard Scat, and Fran
the Feline. And the most talkative cat of the year is… Fran the Feline!
Fran the Feline: Thank you so much
for the award. You know, when I win awards, I always make sure my acceptance
speech is long, because I want to get everything that I want to say out so I
don’t have to talk again. So, let’s see if I can keep this short, because if I
don’t keep it short, things are going to get ugly.
Bruno: How could you let the
stupid academy let her win?
John Johnson: I, John Johnson, like to let people win.
Bruno: Cut her off or
something.
John Johnson: Aye, matey.
Fran the Feline: I like pudding;
because the thing with pudding is that it’s not too fatty and not too low fat,
which is because I’m pretty chunky for a woman my age. Now, my kids are very
fussy. The only thing they’ll eat is that crud they make they put anchovies in.
I hate anchovies because they smell and taste bad, but they like it because
they’re into fish! It reminds me of a time when we went to the aquarium, and I
thought something stunk, but it was just my kids farting in the tank after
eating all the fish. (audience groans) And because I…
(band plays theme music)
Fran the Feline: …because I
remember that, I’m making sure my kittens wear underwear from now on. I don’t
know why they even invented underwear, but I really think it was one of the
best inventions they made, since I don’t need to know whether my kittens have
a…
Announcer: Please welcome the
Olsen Cats.
Mary-Kate Olsen Cat:
The thing with this next award is that we award it to kittens like us…
Ashley Olsen Cat:
Kittens who are young, gifted, and can’t gross enough money at the box office.
Fran the Feline: I hear the band
is playing some good music right now. I like when I hear songs I know without
words so I can guess what the song is. I heard them play “One Sweet Day” by
Mariah Carey and “Foolish” by Ashanti in the supermarket, which reminds me of
when I…
Bruno: She just keeps going on
and on. Continue the music; bring out the American Idols.
(theme music continues)
Fran the Feline: …and the woman
said, “No, you can’t get this Beanie,” and I said, “Well, why can’t I?” and she
said, “For display only.” So I…
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, performing
the new singles they will be releasing Tuesday, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken!
Fran the Feline: …it was so rare
that I was so greedy, and because I was greedy, I…
Ruben Studdard: “You’re flying without wings…”
Clay Aiken: “This is the night…”
Ruben Studdard: “Without wings…”
Clay Aiken: “It’s Beanieday Night…”
Fran the Feline: …and when I saw the car crash, I immediately called
911, which was better than just leaving the man there, and I was deemed a hero
until I talked too much about how great an honor it was. I thought it was an
honor to do a lot of stuff too, but I never was told it was a great thing
because people never wanted to listen to me… (guards strangle Fran) Idols, sing
out what’s on the cue cards!
Ruben Studdard: “Flying without wings…”
Clay Aiken: “This is the night…”
Ruben Studdard: “Fran the feline is such a jerk…”
Clay Aiken: “The moment is right…”
Ruben Studdard: “LIVE FROM THE BEANIE ZOO…”
Clay Aiken: “THIS IS THE BEANIEDAY NIIIIIIIIGHT!”