~Fineselled~
Cast: Sport as Jerry Fineselled

Pappa as George Chipstanza

Decade as Kramer

Frisco as Elaine Beanies

Muddy as The Beanie Nazi

Baby Boy as Newbean

Neon as Jerry’s girlfriend

Baby Girl as tough guy 1

Red White & Blue as tough guy 2

Mother as customer

 

(“Seinfeld” theme plays)
Jerry Fineselled: Okay, now, when I go looking for Beanie Babies, I always want to make sure I know the retailers are nice, because if they aren’t nice, I know I’m getting ripped off. It’s a rip-off because I know the ones who jack up their prices are mean and nasty morons! Don’t go to their store!

(open on apartment)

Jerry Fineselled: George, what’s going on?
George Chipstanza: Did you hear about the Beanie Nazi?
Jerry Fineselled: The Beanie what?

George Chipstanza: They call him the Beanie Nazi because he’s got a temper if you don’t follow his rules, but he’s got the best selection of Beanie Babies! And he’s better than Hallmark!

Jerry Fineselled: Better than better?
George Chipstanza: Better than better.

Jerry Fineselled: Always better than better?
(open on Beanie store)
George Chipstanza: I’d like a lilac Sherbet, please.

Beanie Nazi: I’m sorry, but we sold out of those immediately after they came here.

George Chipstanza: Then can I take a Red Beanie Baby?
Beanie Nazi: Yes, and just pay up because you’re holding up the line!

Jerry Fineselled: George, stop thinking. You’re holding up the line.

George Chipstanza: One second… um, could you give me a Soar Beanie Buddy with that?
Beanie Nazi: No Beanies for you!

George Chipstanza: Okay… let’s go.

(open on street)
Elaine Beanies: I really would like to get my hands on that new Lumberjack Beanie, but Jerry warned me about the Beanie Nazi who works over there.

Kramer: Yeah, I was there to get a Nectar Beanie after it retired, and he wouldn’t let me just because I said “It’s worth 20 bucks and I’m getting a bargain.”

Elaine Beanies: Why don’t I go in there for a minute? You watch on that Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack I bought from the Ty Store.

Kramer: Out on the street? Um… okay.

(back to Beanie store)
Elaine Beanies: So, you’re a Beanie Nazi, huh? Well, of all the crazy Beanie nuts I’ve met in my life, you’re the craziest! You’re so crazy, I think you should work in a crazy house!
Beanie Nazi: Hmph…

Elaine Beanies: And you smell so bad… I mean, what do you smell like? Don’t tell me you roll around in filth all day!
Beanie Nazi: Grr! No Beanies for you! Come back one year!

(back to apartment)

Newbean: Fineselled, we meet again.

Jerry Fineselled: What is it now, Newbean?
Newbean: I heard about the Beanie Nazi, and I think I know how to get the Beanies without being kicked out?
Jerry Fineselled: How, do you figure? Because figuring it out is good.

(back to Beanie store)
Newbean: I’d like three Sherbet Buddies. Jambalaya! (runs out of the store with Sherbet Buddies)

Jerry Fineselled: What an idiot. Why don’t I try it now… Schmoopie?
Jerry’s girlfriend: No, you’re Schmoopie!

Jerry Fineselled: No, you’re Schmoopie!

Jerry’s girlfriend: This is getting old quick. Hi, here’s my Beanies, here’s my money…

Beanie Nazi: I thought I told you to come back one year!

Jerry’s girlfriend: Jerry…

Jerry Fineselled: Do I know you?

(open on street)
Kramer: What are you two doing to the Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack?
Tough guy 1: We’re taking it for ourselves.

Kramer: Are you talking to me?
Tough guy 2: Yeah, I’m talking to you. Leave us alone, you stinkin’ hobo.

Kramer: Oh, I’m not a hobo…

Tough guy 2: Then why do you have a sleeping bag out on the street?
Kramer: I’m camping out tonight.

(open on Beanie store)
Beanie Nazi: No Beanies for you!
Customer: What?
Beanie Nazi: Get out!
Customer: I’ll never shop here again, even when I’m in a rush.

Kramer: Hi. You won’t believe this… I was out on the street and these two guys came up to me and stole that Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack I’ve been holding for Elaine…

Beanie Nazi: I have another Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack with me I can give you…

Kramer: Thanks so much.

Beanie Nazi: But you still have to pay me. Five dollars.

Kramer: What? You said “give”!

Beanie Nazi: Don’t make me mean again.

(open on apartment)

Kramer: Elaine, some creeps stole your Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack, but don’t get mad. I got this other one for you from the Beanie Nazi.

Elaine Beanies: So he’s not just a dumb-butt?
Kramer: No… not that I know of.

Jerry Fineselled: Hey, look! This backpack has a list of all the other Beanie stores that are on the same block as the Beanie Nazi! I didn’t even realize they had Beanie Babies!
Elaine Beanies: So if I show him this list, he’ll go out of business, hmm? Take that, you greedy dirtbag.

(open on Beanie store)

Beanie Nazi: I thought I told you, “Come back one year”.
Elaine Beanies: Why come back one year when I can go to one of these fine Ty retailers?
Beanie Nazi: Where did you get that list?
Elaine Beanies: It was in the Teenie Beanie Bopper backpack you gave Kramer. So, it looks like you’ve fallen in my trap after treating me this way.

Beanie Nazi: Hmm, I should go back to barber college.