~A Message From Ty Warner~
Cast: Decade as Ty Warner

Dippy as Mary Beth Sobolewski

Spunky as Loverdog

 

Announcer: The following is a message from Ty Warner.

Ty: Good evening, collectors of the world. If you don’t know it yet… yeah, I look good. Thanks. If you don’t know it yet, I have taken full ownership of the Beanies and More magazine once owned by Mary Beth. After she announced she and Karen Gomes were quitting, this was the change that we had decided to take place. Some are thrilled with the change, but some dislike my new approach. But guess what? I still get rich off paper. And by the way, for all you hippie chicks out there, yes, this is recycled. I’m not lazy like you think I am. I am a normal human being who likes to take my part in helping the world. Don’t say, “Ooh, look, here’s Ty Warner, the tree murderer.” I think that’s a harsh criticism. But don’t take my word for it. I suggest you get second opinions from Mary Beth.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: Collectors, everyone needs to say goodbye sometime, and now is my time. My goal now is to hang out with people I don’t know and drink with them. I like barhopping and clubbing. I couldn’t do that while working for the mag. But look at me now – I can do whatever I want now that I don’t associate with a children’s collectible anymore. CRAP! See? I can do anything I want now. Like, um, sing a song with bad words in it – “Hey, I love you like a fat kid loves cake, and… something else where I say F”… I can’t rap; I’m drunk.

Ty: Well, sober up, because you need to get out of my house. You’ve been here for three months.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: It’s comfortable. Your bed is great. Mine is made of tar and feathers. I hate it so much.

Ty: Hmm, that must be why you’re drunk.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: Or recite a line from an R-rated movie without having to explain a kid, “That quote’s from a movie you’re not allowed to see unless you like getting fake I.D.’s.”

Ty: Funny. Get out.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: No magazine equals no more Beanie business! I’m going to find the closest dog and take it with me to Chippendales clubs! I don’t see any, so maybe I’ll take a cat…

Ty: I have to get her out of here. Loverdog?

Loverdog: What is it, Ty? You’ve kept me in the stock room since you released Cupid two Christmases ago! Why now is it you want to release me?
Ty: You can make a home now with Mary Beth.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: Seriously, you’re giving me your dog?
Ty: For you to club with.

Mary Beth Sobolewski: You can’t handle your dog!
Loverdog: You’re drunk, aren’t you?
Ty: Well, finally, a little time to myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot something: LIVE FROM THE BEANIE ZOO, IT’S BEANIEDAY NIGHT!