~Color Me Beanie Gallery~
Cast: Frisco as Jacques Marquis

Sport as Dog McCartney

Pappa as William Shatbear

Dublin as Frog Hunter

Mother as Parisian Pie

Spunky as Madogna

 

Jacques Marquis: Welcome to the Color Me Beanie Gallery. It is me, Jacques M. again. The “M” stands for Marquis. I didn’t give out my last name last time because of the war on Iraq. If I gave my last name out Americans could track me down and try to send me hate mail, like they did with all my neighbors. As always in the show, we will meet up with all of the great pieces of art I cherish, like Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Salvador Dali, and my favorite, moi. The Beanie Baby, in my perspective, is the best work of art. Today’s show is about my art coming to life and making music – the Beanies really do that. I paint the Beanies; they make music. I get more money that way. Here with us now is one I designed back in 1995, Dog McCartney. It’s a Bones Beanie Baby with a little charm.

Dog McCartney: I’m bigger than Jesus!
Jacques Marquis: I told you not to say that because it keeps customers away from my gallery.

Dog McCartney: (singing) “I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your haaaand…”
Jacques Marquis: Beautiful. Now, since I am a Beatles fan, I had voted online for that worst Beatles cover thing, and it was that William Shatner guy with a spoken word version of “Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds”. To recreate the tragedy, here is my next work of art, William Shatbear.

William Shatbear: (spoken) “Lucy… in the sky… with diamonds. Lucy… in the sky… with diamonds. Lucy… in the sky… with diamonds. Ohhh…”

Jacques Marquis: Ah! Somebody kill me! I hate you so much and your music is garbage!

William Shatbear: Now how many songs must I ruin now?
Jacques Marquis: You’re fired!
William Shatbear: But why? You created me! I’m your art!  You can’t fire the art!
Jacques Marquis: GET OUT!

William Shatbear: Mr. Tambourine Man? Where are you, Mr. Tambourine Man?

Jacques Marquis: AHH! Now, returning to our show tonight is a favorite among our viewers, the Frog Hunter. What do you have for us today?
Frog Hunter: I don’t know. I’ve been high on licking frogs lately all I can sing is Pink Floyd. Seriously, though, I don’t need no education.

Jacques Marquis: Everyone’s getting on my nerves. So, how are you with the frog things?
Frog Hunter: Kids are still dissecting frogs, and I had decided to put an end to that crap with the frogs typing Shakespeare.

Jacques Marquis: That was monkeys, Frog Hunter. Do you want some Whine Wine?

Frog Hunter: Of course. Whine is the finest of the wine made from whiners.

Jacques Marquis: Great. See you in a week.

Frog Hunter: Au revoir.

Jacques Marquis: Okay, now Parisian Beauty broke up with me, so I thought I’d settle for a new girlfriend, Parisian Pie. In case you’re wondering, Pie, Mena Suvari is still a rotten American, yes! Beauty and pie were symbols of the French until she made movies!

Parisian Pie: The reason why P.B. broke up with you was because you kept on bringing up rotten Americans and how they ruin our culture. You obsess with saying, “I love the Dixie Chicks, in fact, I want to marry Natalie Maines,” and “If there’s one person I want to go out with on a blind date, it would be Susan Sarandon.”

Jacques Marquis: I really do. Now, what song did you re-record?
Parisian Pie: I butchered that stupid song by Don McLean “American Pie” and put it in as my name. Listen: “A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music made me smile…”
Jacques Marquis: Get to the point already!
Parisian Pie: “Bye, bye, Miss Parisian Pie, drove my buggy to the chuggy but the chuggy was dry, and good ol boys were drinking whiskey and wine, singin’ this will be the day that I dine, this will be the day that I dine… Did you write…”

Madogna: Hi, Jacques. Did you want me to make another music video where I throw grenades at people?

Jacques Marquis: Madogna, what a pleasant surprise. Remember when you covered “American Pie” for that movie you made and people thought it sucked?
Madogna: Parisian Pie, your version is the worst of them all, right behind my own version!
Parisian Pie: Strong words, pup.

Jacques Marquis: Now, I have to end the show early because I have a date with P.P., but before we say au revoir, how about we do a little duet?
Madogna: I would love to. We all suck here, so, fine.

Jacques Marquis: 1, 2, 3, 4…

(Madonna’s “American Life” plays)

Parisian Pie: “I… tried to be good art, but where would I start?”
Madogna: “I don’t make good movies, nobody wants to see… any of them at all…”
Jacques Marquis: (rapping) “I’m drinking a whine wino, it makes me feel so fine-o, it makes me feel like mine-o and you know I’m satisfied,

Each week I host this art show and I wish that all of you know that the bathroom’s where I must go, then I will be satisfied.”
Madogna: (continuing rapping): “I study the Kabbalah but I don’t believe in Allah, yo they tell me I’m a balla and you know I’m satisfied.”
Parisian Pie: (continuing rapping): “I’m buying Beanies on the Internet, this MetaExchange crap is debt, and if all of this could help me get, you know I’m satisfied!”
Jacques Marquis: That’s all the time we have! Madogna and Parisian Beauty! Au revoir, so long!

(rapping continues until end)