~Weekend Update with Seadog~
Cast: Seadog as himself

Sport as Balto

Mother as Mrs. Seadog

Hodgepodge as Mr. Popular

Frisco as Emma Whiskers

 

Seadog: Good evening, I’m Seadog. Here are tonight’s top stories:

 

The Dad-E 2003 Beanie Baby was released on Monday. Ty retired it on Wednesday. We just reported both stories to you at the same time so you don’t go to the Ty Store and say, “Seadog was wrong! F*** him!”

Catty Couric switched spaces with Blue Jay Leno on Monday, as Catty hosted Blue Jay’s “Tonight Show” and Blue Jay hosted Catty’s “Today Show”. Either way, I didn’t watch them because I can’t get up too early and can’t go to sleep too late. Besides, I don’t care.

 

Cookie and Tumbles Beanie Kids had appeared at a Dollar Tree store as reported by a Planet Beans reader from an unannounced location. Ty, your kids are available for pick-up in Aisle 3.

 

The fuzzy bear shadow has returned to the Ty Store after Dad-E 2003 was posted for sale. The image looks like that of Dad-E 2003 II: I Can’t Think Of Any More Ty Store Exclusives, So Here You Go.

 

Due to new ownership, British secondary market dealer Rye By Post will no longer be selling Beanie Babies or plush products of any kind to focus on film cells. The job to sell Beanies was given to Ken Smith Ltd., a unanimous decision between him and Jacques Chirac, Incorporated.

 

Sandals designed by Ty Warner will appear at the Steppin’ Out show at the Hospice of Santa Barbara, which utilizes flip-flops as a work of art. Now you can wear Ty’s affordable footwear at the price of $2 million.

 

This week, British-born attorney Stephen Joseph filed a suit in California claiming that the Oreo cookies licensed by Nabisco should be banned because it contains trans fat, but the suit was withdrawn. Here now with a commentary is health correspondent Balto.

Balto: Thank you, Seadog. Just to let you know, I don’t eat Oreos because it makes me sicky-sicky.

Seadog: Do they even have Oreos in Alaska?
Balto: Yeah. My owner eats a lot of them.

Seadog: Good that you don’t. I don’t either because I can’t eat chocolate because I’m a dog. I consider dog treats my type of chocolate. So tell me, what happened with the Oreo?

Balto: This British guy wanted the Oreo banned because it has the trans fat hidden in it, which he considers inedible. But if trans fats are used in everything, why ban it? Just ban the stupid ingredient! Then everyone will be healthy!
Seadog: Um, aren’t we forgetting something? Obesity, anorexia, poverty… shouldn’t we take care of those problems as well instead of rather banning one ingredient?
Balto: Honestly, I have no idea what trans fats are. I just read about it when I did the report. In Alaska I have to rescue people and deliver medicines. I can’t go all science experiment on you.

Seadog: This isn’t an experiment. We’re talking “no more Oreos” here. Ever. Forever.

Balto: Didn’t you just say the suit was withdrawn?
Seadog: I was just worried, is all.

Balto: People should eat what they want to eat, and whatever they eat is none of my business. Since 1912 – that was way before I was even born –

Seadog: You were born in 1924, Balto. And according to these records I printed out online, you died 70 years ago.

Balto: Maybe someone carved me out of Oreos and I came back to life. I guess that’s why I have diabetes.

Seadog: Well, thanks for coming. Balto, everybody!

 

Ty responded to the Ask Ty question, “Have you ever thought about making a Beanie movie?” by saying, “if you made a Beanie movie, what would the title be?” I for one have many suggestions: “The Godpappa”, “E.T.: The Extra Teddy”, “Wish the Starfish Wars”, “The Manny Reloaded”, “Lord of the Ringos: The Fellowship of the Ringo”, “Hope Alone”, “There’s Something About Maple”, “Pompey of the Apes”, “Gizmo With the Wind”, “Celebr8 Mile”, and my favorite, “My Big Fetch Grunt Weenie”.

 

Malaysian exclusive bear Wirabear has a name that translates to “Hero bear” and contains a reference to a literary character in Malaysia, Hang Tuah. Or, for a simpler interpretation, “What the banana is Hang Tuah?”

 

The Singapore Peace Symbol bear has a different peace symbol emblem on its chest with no color on the open spaces surrounding the peace symbol. In other news, he’ll be signing autographs at the Noodle House.

 

At an estate sale, some of the older rare Beanie Baby styles such as the dino trio sold for under $12, as reported by a Planet Beans reader. In other news, I gave away free gold.

Mrs. Seadog: I don’t like you making jokes about people’s yard sales. I like yard sales because I’m old.

Seadog: Oh dear, it’s my mom again. She came when she found out Mom-E was hosting and she wanted to appear in the sketch “Help, I Hate My Kids”. Luckily that got cut during dress rehearsal.

Mrs. Seadog: Okay, well, just don’t make any more yard sale or estate sale or garage sale jokes, because I love cheap garbage and redesigning the objects.

Seadog: Okay, go ahead. You can do a lot of stuff with that interest.

Mrs. Seadog: Yeah, right.

Seadog: My mom, everybody!

 

About.com collectibles reporter Barbara Crews states that Ty has taken full credit to the Mary Beth magazine and renamed it “Ty Beanies and More”. Barbara’s review said it’s too cutesy and puts more focus on silly pictures and collectors’ collections. Don’t forget Ty has split personalities.

 

Barbara also says Ms. Janie’s newsletter is the best source for Beanie news and information. True, but just remember she takes vacations and sick days. Whenever she’s gone, stick with the alternative: Halfassedbeanienewsandinfo .com.

And now, here to tell us which Beanies have been big while he was out on vacation, Mr. Popular!

Mr. Popular: Thank you, audience members! Who’s having a good time tonight? (silence)
Seadog: Well, some audience response. Now, it’s been two months. Who’s big in the Beanie stores?

Mr. Popular: Well, in dating news, I think I’m getting married to Emma Whiskers.

Seadog: Oh, no. The activist. I forgot you were going out with her.

Mr. Popular: She still thinks I shouldn’t read men’s magazines with the chicks in them, but I have to read them because if I don’t, I won’t find out who’s doing better than who in the Beanie biz. They have Maxim For Cats, Dog Stuff, and FBZ: For Bearz.

Seadog: Are you sure you HAVE to read those?
Mr. Popular: Who wouldn’t have to?
Emma Whiskers: Mr. Popular, we’re going to be late for that sit-in at the Thai restaurant! Those creeps like to say that their food is made of Beanie Babies!

Mr. Popular: Just a minute, sweetheart. (whispering) I really hate her. Get me out of this.

Seadog: Um, Emma, I think – (laughs) I think Hugh Hefner’s in the audience tonight.

Emma Whiskers: Forget the sit-in! I’m checking the audience!

Mr. Popular: But what about the dinner with the cast of “The Matrix Reloaded”? I thought I’d finally get to see Jada Pinkett Smith without her saying, “That jiggy song by my husband is still stuck in my head!”
Emma Whiskers: You’ll have to wait until November when they release the third movie. We’re doing an audience check.

Mr. Popular: I hate these. You’re sick. (scratches Emma’s face)
Emma Whiskers: Ah – I’m so surprised! I thought I finally found a journalist who won’t go out with a Victoria’s Secret model! But you’re dumping me – third time I’ve been dumped!
Seadog: I’m not surprised. If you want to hit on people, don’t constantly call them pedophiles.

Mr. Popular: Well, I’m off to dinner. I hope Keanu Reeves wears his sunglasses.

Seadog: Mr. Popular and Emma Whiskers! That’s the news; good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!