~Fran the Feline~
Cast: Frisco as Fran the Feline

Carnation as Fran Jr.

Mom-E as Ty Canada retailer

Bo as Customer 1
Sport as Customer 2

Decade as Customer 3

 

Fran the Feline: Honey, want to stop in here and look at all the toys?
Fran Jr.: Oh, sure, Mommy! I love looking at these toys. You know, each time I go into the toy store, I like looking at the toys and checking to see if there’s a price tag on everything, because if there’s no price tag, I don’t want to buy it. If I don’t want to buy it I usually go for something else.

Fran the Feline: Well, that’s not me. You know, I always like to shop at a place where people are friendly, because friendly people always treat me right, and I don’t like people who don’t treat me right because they never do anything right. Do you know right from wrong, Junior?
Fran Jr.: Of course, Mommy. Right is right and wrong is wrong, but if you’re right and someone says you’re wrong, or you’re wrong and someone says you’re right…

Customer 1: Um, excuse me? You’re holding up a line here.

Fran Jr.: …and the thing about being wrong is that when you’re wrong, people like to admit you’re wrong, and when you’re right, people write about you like “Writing about Right”, “Mr. Right Writes”, “This Guy With The Last Name Wright Rights and Writes”…

Customer 1: You’re wrong. I’m right. Pay for your damn items or go shop someplace else!

Fran the Feline: I don’t like when people say that to my daughter, because when people say things to my daughter like, “Wow, you’re hot!” and “Are you looking for a good time?” I get afraid. I don’t want her to turn into some alley cat who can’t find right from wrong…

Customer 1: I’m shopping at Hallmark. You two cats suck.

Fran the Feline: Sucking reminds me of when I bought these delicious sucking candies, they were called “Suck-a-Lot” but then they became Jolly Ranchers. I don’t like that they call them Jolly Ranchers because ranchers aren’t really jolly. I’ve seen ranchers before and the ranches they live on really…

Ty Canada retailer: Um, can I help you?
Fran the Feline: Oh, hi. You sell Beanies?
Ty Canada retailer: Oh, not anymore.

Fran Jr,: Oh, it’s a shame. I remember when Canada used to be loaded with Beanies, because every time we went we saw loads and loads, but now it’s only scant and scant, and I don’t even know what that means so I don’t know why I’m saying it, which reminds me of that dictionary I picked up and I found out how to spell “embarrassment” which has two R’s and two S’s which wasn’t the way I spelt it. I spelt it E-M-B-A-R-A-S-M-E-N-T.

Ty Canada retailer: Your kid says the darndest things.

Fran the Feline: Oh, yeah, I loved that show. I remember that time when Bill Cosby said, “I wouldn’t have done this show if it weren’t for Art Linkletter”, which is because it was based on a segment on Linkletter’s show “House Party”, which is also the name of a movie starring the rap group Kid ‘N Play, and I don’t know who they are because I don’t like rap, and when I saw this Linkletter person…

Ty Canada retailer: I should just stop talking. I don’t matter.

Fran the Feline: Oh, you do matter. How much for the new manta ray?

Ty Canada retailer: 75 dollars.

Fran the Feline: What? I saw that on MetaExchange for a lot less than that, which reminds me of a time when that Princess bear came out, and I wasn’t able to get it because it was too expensive, then it went down in price and…

Ty Canada retailer: This is the most recent manta ray we have: Sting. We couldn’t get the new one yet.

Fran the Feline: But why? Is it because you’re leaving, which is because of low sales and stuff, and stuff I don’t understand, or how about stuff people buy?
Ty Canada retailer: STOP SAYING “STUFF”! You two are getting on my nerves!
Customer 2: Yeah, get off the line, you talkative morons!
Fran the Feline: Mormons? I remember that time when these Mormons came to my door and asked me, “Would you like to convert?” I don’t know what that means, but I think it has something to do with the bank, so I didn’t want to take a risk. I let my sisters deal with that. I’m a single mom, so my sisters take care of everything I do. They take care of my other kids Stan and Matthew. I don’t know why I depend on them, I just like to because I don’t like talking to strangers. Now, why I don’t talk to strangers is because…

Ty Canada retailer: MEOW MIX IS MADE OF POOP!
Fran the Feline: Wha- How dare you say that about the food I eat!

Customer 2: I didn’t say Mormons – I said morons, you morons!

Fran Jr.: I learned in school that’s a bad word. In school I learn a lot of things, like why crack is a drug, why bullies like to hurt people, why 2 plus 2 equals four, why Shakespeare writes great plays, and things like when Christopher Columbus found America…

Ty Canada retailer: I don’t care about school! I never even went to school! Just get off the line!

Customer 2: I have to go home now. My baby’s crying in the car. Left my wife in there to take care of the little terror… I can’t believe this.

Ty Canada retailer: You’re driving away my customers! Can you pay for your stuff or just leave?

Fran the Feline: First, about the last hunting experience I had… my two daughters and two sons drove me nuts when they only had four Nectars left and I let them have my Nectar… turns out my oldest is $25 richer than me from doing that! All my kids got Nectar for $6 and I got mine for $40. What a gyp. I have seen gyps like that at the movies lately… have you seen this movie called “Pluto Nash” starring Eddie Murphy? It’s like this space adventure thing, which is more like watching “Lost In Space” mixed in with that stupid “Flying Nun”!
Ty Canada retailer: Why did you start talking about TV?
Fran the Feline: I compare movies to TV and contrast them as well.

Fran Jr.: I’m learning about comparing and contrasting in school…

Ty Canada retailer: Oh, dear Lord. Another compare/contrast conversation.

Fran Jr.: I learned that compare means to find what’s similar and contrast means to find what’s different. Now, contrast also means something with color, but I didn’t learn about that in science yet, which reminds me of when I did that experiment on trying to find out how chlorophyll is made…

Customer 3: SHUT UP! I have to pay for my stuff! I’ve been waiting in line an hour! I’m already 20 minutes late for my date, and my girlfriend is gonna dump me for sure!
Fran the Feline: Don’t you dare talk that way to my daughter!
Customer 3: No way! I can get you two to stop talking too, because to stop talking is to find out how two stop being two, too, and to be two years old is to be like a baby, too.

Fran the Feline: You really do act like you’re two. Honey, why don’t we go to Nova Scotia now?
Fran Jr.: Nova Scotia. See, “Nova” is a TV show on PBS, and “Scotia” is like another word for saying “place where Scottish people live”, so…

Customer 3: Just go already.

Ty Canada retailer: Yeah, buzz off. Jeez – they give me a headache, which reminds me of that time when I met that guy who kept on saying “Gimme this! Gimme this!”

Customer 3: Let’s go, lady!