~Lemony Snicket Conference~
Cast: Scat as Lemony Snicket

Carnation as publisher

Smartest as J.K. Rowling

Pappa as Brett Helquist

Tubbo as lawyer

Dippy as Violet Baudelaire

Baby Boy as Klaus Baudelaire

Baby Girl as Sunny Baudelaire

Frisco as Count Olaf

 

Lemony Snicket: Hmm, what should I write about? Grr… I just love writing children’s books. It must be a joy… an unfortunate joy! Because I write about unfortunate events! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmm… okay, about this pig, hmm, a pig. Yeah, I like pigs. Okay, and what should this pig do? Hmm, he should eat children! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmm…

Publisher: Okay. Will you stop saying “hmm” so much? It’s getting on my nerves.

Lemony Snicket: Don’t tell me what to say and do! I’m the greatest author since whoever wrote that “Harry Potter” crap!
J.K. Rowling: Um, excuse me, Mr. Or Mrs. Snicket, since I have no idea what gender you are because I have no idea what kind of mother would name their kid Lemony…

Lemony Snicket: I’m a guy. My name is Daniel Handler.

J.K. Rowling: I would be the author of that so-called “crap”, and I’m a household name because of that. And what do you have besides your illustrator and your Kid’s Choice Award?

Lemony Snicket: Brett? Don’t talk bad about Brett!

J.K. Rowling: Why do you think you’re so big? These books are like the Beanie Babies… they’re fads! Remember “Goosebumps”? There were so many copycats… “Fear Street”, “Bone Chillers”… they faded out! You will, too! There can only be one in the game and that’s me! My books are movies with Hollywood hottie Daniel Radcliffe!

Lemony Snicket: Well, I’m making a movie, too, and one of the funniest men alive is going to be in it, Jim Carrey!
Publisher: Do we need so much aruing? Go back to saying “hmm”, Daniel.

Brett Helquist: Are you really sure we have Jim Carrey?
Lemony Snicket: I know my agenda. Hmm… anyway, Brett, did you get those illustrations done for my comic strip?
Brett Helquist: Comic strip?
J.K. Rowling: You get a comic strip, too? Who’s going to put it in? The Lazy Times?
Brett Helquist: I know myself. I’m not doing a comic strip.

Lemony Snicket: Joanne, quit being jealous. I understand you have a lot. I pick on C.S. Lewis a lot.

J.K. Rowling: Well, I should write my own series of unfortunate events… about you and me actually being together in this crazy conference! We’re not even talking about anything!

Publisher: I agree. We’ll dismiss… now. Anyway, Daniel, do you have anything yet?

Lemony Snicket: I haven’t written anything new down. Now I have to go home and torture myself for ideas.

Brett Helquist: I need to go and do what he’s doing for ideas for illustrations. I also like looking at those gothic artists, like that one who does the Marilyn Manson videos.

J.K. Rowling: And when I go home, I need to make lawsuits. I’ve seen way too many knockoffs… “Harry Pooper and the Chamber of Manure”, “Hattie Potter and the Barbie Dolls”, “Horace Potter and the Goblet Game at the Carnival”… I also need to sue the makers of porno movies… I’ve heard of “Horny Potter and the Prisoner of Asskaban” and “Harry Father and the Baby Making”.

Publisher: Um… goodbye. (leaves disgustedly)

Lemony Snicket: Well, I’ll see you…

Lawyer: Hmm, Lemony Snicket… if that is your real name?
Lemony Snicket: You know it isn’t.

Lawyer: I’m an attorney at law, an unfortunate attorney at law. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Lemony Snicket: Hmm… your point?
Lawyer: You’ve been sued by the Baudelaire children, who claim that you’ve been mistreating them and putting them through unfortunate events. Violet, Klaus, Sunny?
Violet Baudelaire: Mr. Snicket, can you please stop treating us so cruel, you horrible father?
Lemony Snicket: I’m not their father.

Klaus Baudelaire: SURE you are, Father Goose. And Sunny is only a little baby, and she still hates you. Say your first words.

Sunny Baudelaire: Da-da… Lemony… bad… stupid… idiot!

Klaus Baudelaire: It’s your fault Count Olaf makes us chop wood for no damn reason, and make us live in one of the filthiest rooms I’ve ever lived in!
Lemony Snicket: I just write this stuff.

Sunny Baudelaire: Da-da… sucks!

Lemony Snicket: I’m not your daddy! Shut up!
Violet Baudelaire: We’ll see you in court! Take us home, Olaf!
Count Olaf: Hey, you better not tell me what to do! Now, when we go home, I want you to watch my new play “Transylvania’s Most Wanted” or else I’m sending you to acting camp!
Violet Baudelaire: What’s acting camp?
Count Olaf: I make you work with my people, and it’s unfortunate! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Lemony Snicket: I have never met those people in my life.

Lawyer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re still going to court.