~Catty Couric Reports: Easter~
Cast: Carnation as Catty Couric

Smitten as director

Mother as Mrs. Diet

Dublin as Dick Cheney

Smartest as Jesus
Grace as the Easter Bunny

 

Catty Couric: Good evening, this is NBC News. I’m Catty Couric. They don’t call me Catty just because I’m a cat. Anyway, tomorrow is a holiday best known to children as a time where bunnies give us candy. But that’s not the true Easter. Easter is when Jesus was resurrected, according to this bible.

Director: That’s not a bible, Catty. That’s a Beanie Babies Collectors Value Guide. If you want to check, I’ll go get you one. I have it in my car.

Catty Couric: Nah, I’ll just do the news. Thanks.

Director: Okay.

Catty Couric: Now, we have mixed opinions on this issue, but many kids in America are, no offense, fat. Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks… you know the rest. Here to explain her thoughts on Easter is the woman who’s finishing Dr. Atkins’ next book for him while he’s in his coma, Mrs. Bethany Diet.

Mrs. Diet: Thanks for having me, Catty.

Catty Couric: So, let’s get this straight, your last name is really Diet?
Mrs. Diet: No, I had it legally changed to…

Catty Couric: Shame on you! You can’t pass that legacy on to your children! At school… “Hi, my name is Joey. What’s yours?” “I’m Bethany Diet Jr.” “That name is so gay! Can I push you?” But that’s not the issue we’re here to discuss. Tell me, why do you think children should not celebrate Easter.

Mrs. Diet: They won’t understand the real meaning of Easter, which is to celebrate the resurrection of Christ, so all they’ll understand is that they can gobble whatever chocolate they want.

Catty Couric: Hmm, tough crisis. We polled website viewers on this yesterday and they responded to the question “Should there be no more Easter?” 50% said yes and 50% said no. Tough crowd.

Mrs. Diet: I believe that some want to honor the religious tradition but those who only believe in the chocolate-gobbling one want to do away with it.

Catty Couric: Do you have any suggestions for us to have a low-fat Easter?
Mrs. Diet: Um… no.

Catty Couric: Now, joining us from Washington, DC, is a good friend of ours who’s had his share of heart problems and can tell us how much NOT to eat during Easter, Vice President Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney: Good evening, Catty.

Catty Couric: Now, Vice President Cheney, how much chocolate did you have last Easter?
Dick Cheney: Nothing. I decided not to eat any chocolate because of my heart condition. No one should eat chocolate under a heart condition. But if you don’t… stuff yourselves ‘til you’re full.

Catty Couric: Are you sure it won’t result in weight or health problems?
Dick Cheney: A lot of studies today are proven to be scientifically correct, that being overweight results in bad heart conditions. I’m not overweight, but yes, I have one. Why? I just don’t know.

Catty Couric: Well, thanks for your input. Say, what do you think about the war on Chubbley Bears?
Dick Cheney: I’m sorry; I have to go. That’s my doctor.

Catty Couric: Now, here with a debate are two significant figures in the celebration of Easter: Jesus and the Easter Bunny. Jesus, you were resurrected on Easter Sunday after being crucified. How do you feel about your second special day being stomped on by this ludicrous rabbit?
Jesus: Ah, she’s not so bad. I got to talk to her a couple of times. You know, everybody seems to ruin my holidays… Santa Claus ruined my birthday, my kids ruined Thanksgiving… it’s unbelievable. So I believe in my own religion. Instead of turning against those who ruin my days, I share the joy. I give Santa Christmas gifts.

Easter Bunny: It’s true. I think Jesus is a great… I don’t know how to describe him. He’s not living, he’s not dead… something like that. But I would like to ask him if he eats chocolate on Easter.

Jesus: Um, no, I don’t. My disciples don’t like me eating chocolate.

Easter Bunny: That’s okay. My bunny friends don’t like me reading bibles. I don’t know why because it’s good to believe in you. You love everyone, but those creepy Halloween people don’t.

Jesus: Hmm, I never thought of that. Um, Catty? You interviewing any Halloween ghouls or anything? I can protest against them. I mean, I think Halloween is the holiday that ruined spirituality.

Easter Bunny: You want a Cadbury egg?
Jesus: No, I told you I don’t like…

Easter Bunny: That’s okay, Jesus.

Catty Couric: Finally, a friendly debate. Any concluding statements?
Jesus: I hate Halloween!
Easter Bunny: Buy my new chocolates!
Catty Couric: Fine. We’ll join you again after the Chubbley War. I’m Catty Couric. Good night.