~Star Search~
Cast: Baby Boy as Arsenio Bruin

Smitten as Naomi Hugg

Woody as Bear Stein

Pappa as Amish Zappa

Carnation as Catty Couric

Decade as Lenny Louser

Dippy as Peter C. Tail

Mother as Mrs. Louser

 

Arsenio Bruin: Good evening, and welcome to “Star Search”. As you may know, this is our third season, and hopefully this will be our last. This is our semifinal competition, too, and hopefully the audience will vote for me, the stand-up who can’t sit up. Let’s meet our judges, first country music sensation Naomi Hugg!
Naomi Hugg: Hi, how are y’all?
Arsenio Bruin: Please don’t talk like that. Next up, my main man Bear Stein! We have lots of fun together, huh, Stein?
Bear Stein: (in Ben Stein voice) I’m not sure how you think of fun. I think fun is doing commercials for things I don’t even use.

Arsenio Bruin: But what about that time when I took you to the dance party?
Bear Stein: I couldn’t take it. I mean, who invented dancing, anyway?
Arsenio Bruin: I think I did. (starts dancing)

Bear Stein: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Arsenio Bruin: Enough. Next, even in our third season, he still can’t use electronics and he still can’t wear whatever he wants, and his kids can’t play with Barbie dolls. Say hello to Amish Zappa!
Amish Zappa: Hi! That’s hi in Amish!

Arsenio Bruin: There’s a difference between religions and languages, okay? Now, each week or twice a week we feature a guest judge better than these three people, so let’s hear it for nervous NBC reporter Catty Couric!
Catty Couric: I’m doing a thing here on “Star Search”. Competitions like this are ruining people’s reputations.

Arsenio Bruin: Just be a good judge, okay?
Catty Couric: But a judge gives people sentences! Come on! You can work on sentences in school! It’s grammar, for crying out loud!
Arsenio Bruin: Someone give that cat some tissues. I need some tissues too because I’m allergic to cats. Anyway, before Montel Williams fills in for me, let’s get to junior singer. He didn’t make it into the semifinals last season but he did this time around – please welcome the lovable Lenny Louser!

Lenny Louser: (singing) “Stop, in the name of love,

Before you break my heart!” That’s all I remember and that’s all you need to know! Thank you!
Arsenio Bruin: Hmm, Lenny was always lovable. This may be where he went wrong. Let’s hear what the judges thought. Naomi?
Naomi Hugg: I hated that performance. Two lines of a popular song and then you add an insult.

Bear Stein: I loved that performance. For one thing, I thought it was less dull than I was. I say yes to Hollywood.

Arsenio Bruin: We haven’t decided where we’re going to send him, Bear.

Bear Stein: Oops, wrong show. I give you a ten!
Arsenio Bruin: Better. Amish?
Amish Zappa: Love it, love it, love it! Too bad I can only hear it in the supermarket.

Catty Couric: Stopping in the name of love? Why? You have to love! Without love, where would you be right now?
Lenny Louser: Um, hell?
Catty Couric: Maybe! I’m worried about you!

Arsenio Bruin: Quit your whining because I have to watch your husband’s war coverage.

Catty Couric: I don’t have a husband!
Arsenio Bruin: Who cares? I like that guy! Anyway, we… I just like his coverage, that’s all. Why are you looking at me like that? Anyway, we have to get to our second semi-finalist for the singer person, please welcome Peter C. Tail! The C stands for Cotton!

Peter C. Tail: “Here comes Peter Cotton Tail,

Hoppin down the bunny trail

Hippity, Hoppity, Hippie, Floppity,

Beanie Baby bunny, Easter’s on it’s way!” Thank you! I’ll see you next Sunday!

Arsenio Bruin: Naomi?
Naomi Hugg: I’d hug you for that performance, but I think I have osteoporosis.

Bear Stein: I think you sing like a real gentleman. I’m a gentleman, but I act like a real bringer-downer. You… you’re the finest young man I’ve met. I can’t raise a family because I have glasses.

Peter C. Tail: Are you sure?
Bear Stein: Yeah, I’m sure. What do you think I’m not?

Amish Zappa: I have to agree with Bear on that, except I need to convert. Why can’t I marry? Because engagement rings today are against my religion! Why, why, why?
Bear Stein: I know a great woman who can dress up as an Amish chick for you. Hope you don’t mind she’s a nerd.

Amish Zappa: I don’t mind at all! I need a woman and a family!

Catty Couric: I’m highly embarrassed by these judges, but you sang great. I’ll have to play this back on tomorrow’s broadcast.

Peter C. Tail: Thank you.

Arsenio Bruin: Well, we’ve had some great talent here, but I say Peter C. Tail is the winner!
Lenny Louser: Lousers should not be losers! Lousers should not be losers!
Arsenio Bruin: Oh no, not again. The mother’s coming up on stage.

Mrs. Louser: Lenny! Stop crying and take it like a man!
Arsenio Bruin: What the…

Mrs. Louser: I’m not sticking up for you this time because Peter was better! Take reality like a man! That’s why they call these reality shows! You’re a…
Arsenio Bruin: Oh, I just got word that we’ve been canceled. People don’t like reality shows anymore. Stay tuned for “Wanda At Large”… wait, that’s on Fox. Okay, then stay tuned for whatever comes up next on whatever network this is. Good night.