~Paul Bunyan~
Cast: Shasta as narrator
Kookie as Paul Bunyan
Pegasus as Babe
Huggins as Johnny Inkslinger
Colosso as purple cow
Narrator: Hello, and welcome back
to “Myths and Tall Tales”. I’m your narrator, and, let’s just say I choose not
to say my name because I testified in the Scott Peterson murder case. Tonight’s
story is about the greatest lumberjack who ever lived.
Announcer (talking fast):
Greatest lumberjack who ever lived may not have actually lived.
Narrator: His name is Paul
Bunyan, and tonight, we have a never-before-told story about the legendary
lumberjack and his blue ox, Babe. The same man who dug up the Mississippi River
also had a mind of his own and tried to abandon his once true friend, Babe.
(open on a field where Paul Bunyan is cutting
trees)
Paul Bunyan: Hey, I’m Paul Bunyan! I’m big, strong, and full of lumber!
I can’t go a day without lumber!
Babe: You say that every day like you’re the king of lumber.
Paul Bunyan: I look like a
king and I eat like a king, and you do too, Babe.
Babe: What’s a king look like
to you when he’s a blue ox? Did you imagine yourself ever traveling with a blue
ox?
Paul Bunyan: Maybe a green hornet, but never a blue ox. You’re one of a
kind, and I like you for that.
Babe: Thanks.
Narrator: Meanwhile, that’s not
what was really on Paul Bunyan’s mind. Paul talked to his biographer, Johnny
Inkslinger, nicknamed the king of ink in his town.
Johnny Inkslinger: “And
thus far, created the best darn lumber a man can lumb. The end.” Okay, no
crossed T’s or dotted I’s… perfect.
Paul Bunyan: Johnny, I need
your help.
Johnny Inkslinger: Don’t
worry, your biography is all finished. I’ll let you read it tomorrow.
Paul Bunyan: No, it’s about
that blue ox, Babe.
Johnny Inkslinger:
I told you he was gonna get to your head sometime.
Paul Bunyan: Tell me about it.
Babe’s been very selfish lately. He wants more and more. Blue isn’t enough for
him, food isn’t enough for him, being big… gimme, gimme, gimme! That’s all he
thinks about! I can’t keep being his boss!
Johnny Inkslinger:
I told you not to adopt Babe. Oxen are always a troublesome type. No wonder why
they’re on the axis of evil.
Paul Bunyan: I need you to do
me a huge favor and send Babe someplace far away.
Johnny Inkslinger:
But where do you want me to take him? I’m your biographer. I write biographies
for all these young’uns. I’m not some ox-napper.
Paul Bunyan: I don’t want to
do it because Babe thinks I’m all lovey-dovey over him – well, I used to, but
you know, people divorce each other now.
Johnny Inkslinger: How
much?
Paul Bunyan: Let’s just say
that you’ll get all the money from my biography rather than give me a portion
of the profits.
Johnny Inkslinger:
Deal.
Narrator: And so, Johnny took
Paul’s advice and decided to think of how to kidnap Babe and send him to a
faraway place. But Johnny faced some trouble as Babe was as difficult to Johnny
as he was to Paul.
Johnny Inkslinger:
Come on, Babe! Free horseshoe shine!
Babe: It’s too good to be
true! Every time some guy offers me that, they charge me anyway! 75 cents –
what a rip-off! I can get a shoe shine for 25 cents in these parts!
Johnny Inkslinger:
Good hay, too!
Babe: Everywhere Paul takes
me, the hay is cheap! I can’t trust you! I want fine, quality hay in my diet!
And I want mine with no carbs!
Johnny Inkslinger:
Even better…pancakes!
Babe: Pancakes? Yum! I love
pancakes! I love mine with butter, and maple syrup, chocolate chips… a lot!
Pancakes are my favorite!
Johnny Inkslinger: Well,
then let’s go! Pancakes ahoy!
Babe: Ahoy to the pancakes!
Narrator: Little did Babe know
that the pancake restaurant was far, far away from home. Johnny and Babe walked
for miles and miles and miles for days and days and days, but they didn’t find
a pancake restaurant.
Babe: Hey, we’ve been walking
for miles and miles and miles for days and days and days! Where are the
pancakes?
Johnny Inkslinger: I don’t know. They should be here. Ooh, that reminds
me, I need to go back home and check on something. Stay right here and we’ll
check back for pancakes later.
Babe: Thanks, Johnny! Sorry
for being so hard on you!
Johnny Inkslinger:
Hey, buggy! Take me back to Mississippi!
Narrator: And so, Johnny
Inkslinger left Babe alone near a place that wasn’t a pancake restaurant that
was supposed to be a pancake restaurant, and Johnny returned home to tell Paul
Bunyan the news.
Paul Bunyan: Is that annoying blue
ox gone from my sight forever?
Johnny Inkslinger: Yep.
Paul Bunyan: That’s good to
know, because now something else is getting on my nerves – a purple cow.
Purple cow: Paul, I want water! I
want oats! I want everything coming my way – even pancakes!
Paul Bunyan: You know, Johnny, there’s always something I should be thankful
about, and it’s this: thank goodness I don’t exist.
Narrator: That concludes tonight’s “Myths and Tall Tales”. Join us tomorrow for the untold story of Pecos Bill. Good night.