~Fran the Feline at Dallas Gift Show~
Cast: Frisco as Fran the Feline
Carnation as Fran Jr.
Jimbo as guard/voice of radio DJ
Pegasus as Ty employee
Fancy as Chili
Huggins as Banjo
Union as Deutschland
Fran the Feline: Honey, want to
see all the nice new Beanie Babies?
Fran Jr.: Yeah! I love Beanie
Babies. The reason why I love Beanie Babies is because they never stop looking
good, and it’s so good that Ty thinks of all these ideas to keep them fresh,
you know, like they do with apples and grapes and other fruits, which reminds
me of this time when I ate a rotten apple.
Fran the Feline: Well, I like the
way Ty’s planning to make the items collectible. He’s going to make ones for
the Beanie hunter, and then ones for the Beanie collector. That works out for me
because I love collecting and I love hunting. I just don’t like the kind of
hunting where I have to shoot and kill something.
Guard: Good morning, welcome
to the Dallas Gift Show. May I see your Ty retailer ID’s?
Fran the Feline: Um… sure, I’ll show
you my ID. I work for the Ty retailer Time to Ty, which is in Kalamazoo,
Michigan. I’ve always wondered why the hell they call it Kalamazoo, because
it’s such a funny name, and I like cities with funny names. That’s why I like
that I work there. It reminds me of a time when I was at this kid’s birthday
party, I was the clown, and the kids thought I was goofy…
Fran Jr.: Mom, he’s letting us
go!
Fran the Feline: All right, let’s go to the Beanie booth.
Guard: Nice kitties. Wonder
why they talk…
(open on Ty booth)
Fran the Feline: Are you in charge
of the Ty booth?
Ty employee: Yes. I work for Ty Warner.
Fran the Feline: Ty Warner
himself? I love Ty Warner. He’s my hero. I look up to him because one day I
want to be a toy designer, because I like toys and designs, and I’ve always
wanted to experience how it is to do that, so that’s why I came here. I wanted
to see if there was any way possible I could get a job with Ty, like that guy
Donald Trump. When you go on the show, you can compete to work for him. It
reminds me of this time when my old boss had a competition to see who would be
best to get a promotion and a raise. Then there was this ugly, bratty black
lady… I think her name was Ana something, Onomatopoeia…
Ty employee: Omarosa?
Fran the Feline: That’s it! I used to work with THE Omarosa.
Fran Jr.: Tell him about the time
when you went bananas in the shopping mall when you saw her there, and you were
so bananas you wanted to leave and stop by the store so we could get some
bananas, which reminds me of when I was in school and I threw a banana peel on
the floor and that bratty Jenny Goldenmayer slipped and broke her…
Ty employee: Excuse me?
Fran the Feline: Sorry, my daughter’s up for unusual conversations. I
only like it when the conversation is usual or if it’s about something I like.
I don’t like to hear, “This is unusual for me, out of this world,” because I
don’t like to leave the world. It’s a scary place out there…
Ty employee: I bet. Now, are
you ordering any Beanies or what?
Fran the Feline: Order? No, I’m
just window-shopping. See, I’m just browsing, and when somebody asks me if I’m
buying anything, I say, “Just window-shopping.” They look at me like I’m some
freak because they think I’m buying windows. It’s a figure of speech – and get this,
“figure of speech” is also a figure of speech. I said to someone the other day
“Give me a figure of speech” and they gave me a miniature statue of a man
talking on the telephone.
Ty employee: Normally, if you
weren’t ordering anything, I would ask you to leave, but I’ll let you stay
‘cause if I ask, you’ll just go on about some crazy adventure you had.
Fran the Feline: Relax. Ooh, I
like this one, the polar bear.
Ty employee: Chili?
Fran the Feline: See, I don’t like
Chili because it’s too spicy – hate the peppers. Too hot. Then, I hate when
it’s chilly, as in the weather. Too cold. See how two things pronounced the
same have opposite meanings? It’s like that Paula Abdul song, “Opposites
Attract”, and I never knew who Paula Abdul was until I saw “American Idol”,
because I like the way she treats the singers. Not like that Simon Cowell guy,
who loves to hate.
Chili: But I’m a polar bear.
What do you want from me?
Fran the Feline: There’s another
saying right there – polar opposites! I’m staying on topic with my
conversation!
Fran Jr.: No you’re not. Why did
you go on talking about Paula Abdul? It reminds me about when I went to the
basketball game and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was playing, and I thought Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar was a woman who got married and changed her name to Jabbar. I
didn’t know it was a man until someone told me, “What the heck are you talking
about?”
Chili: Nothing. Absolutely
nothing, you freak.
Fran the Feline: Here’s another
good one – this dog, um…
Banjo: My name is Banjo.
Fran the Feline: You know, I like
you, although I’m supposed to run away from you as part of my nature. It’s like
you’re the mafia boss and I’m the squirt who’s going to get whacked unless I do
something for you, which reminds me of this movie about a godfather starring this
guy who I really like, Marlon Brando, and he’s supposed to be the greatest
actor of all time, and he died this week…
Banjo: Marlon Brando died? Oh
my god!
Fran the Feline: It’s a shame
because he’s my favorite actor. He was in some good movies, which reminds me of
the time I went to see his movie “Don Juan Demarco” in the movie theater, and I
had no idea…
Banjo: Still going on, I
guess… too talkative, isn’t she?
Ty employee: They’ll get over
it.
Fran the Feline: …and then he said
“I’ll give you an offer you can’t refuse”, which reminds me of this time I was
offered ten dollars for an expensive car which was like a thousand bucks on the
time, and I refused the offer, then I realized I should have, and the next day…
Ty employee: SHUT UP! You’re
scaring the Beanie Babies! They have feelings too!
Fran the Feline: Deutschland? I
thought you weren’t available here.
Deutschland: They’re making me
available here in America now, just like they did with Jack.
Fran the Feline: Well, I took a trip
to Germany this one time…
Fran Jr.: Let me tell this story!
We took a trip to Germany and we ate at this tavern called “Schnitzel Parlor”,
and we almost threw up because we didn’t like the food. We don’t like their
sausage, their imported beef, and especially hated the sauerkraut. We also
hated the sights. I mean, I didn’t see anything interesting except for…
Deutschland: THERE’S A NUDE
SCENE IN THE GARFIELD MOVIE!
Fran Jr.: Thanks, Deutschland!
Now I can’t see the movie! Mom doesn’t want me to see nude scenes because
they’re too sexual, and she thinks too much about the whole…
Ty retailer: Ladies, you know
what? I’ve been polite to you since you got here, and you are embarrassing us
all, and now we really have to ask you to leave.
Fran the Feline: Leave? That
reminds me of the leaves that fall from the tree each year, leaving the places
we visit on vacation, leaving my last boyfriend who cheated on me for some
redneck trash bag…
Voice of radio DJ:
Okay, this next song goes out to Fran the Feline, who’s visiting the Dallas
Gift Show today, this is JoJo with her hit “Leave”! (song plays loudly to try
to convince the cats to exit the building)
Fran the Feline: Let’s go,
sweetheart. I hate this song. It plays too much on the radio. I hate when songs
play too much on the radio…
Fran Jr.: Which reminds me of
that time when I recorded my voice and had it broadcast on the radio ten times
a day…
Ty employee: SECURITY!