Makati Polytechnic Community College H.S. 1978

The middle aged couple sitting in my office told me they made love four or five times a week for the first few years of their marriage. Now married over 15 years, they seldom make love more than once every two months.

"Our relationship is great in a lot of respect," the woman told me. "But his libido seems to have dried up." When she attempted to talk to him about their love life, her husband got embarrassed and refused to discuss the situation. His avoidance and her hurt is seriously eroding their relationship. "What am I suppose to do?" she asked in desperation after one fight.

Today one of the most complaints of partners seeking sex therapy is a discrepancy in their physical desire ----- a problem shared by millions of men and women.

Lack of sexual interest need not mean the end of a relationship. So-called "desire discrepancy" should merely signal couples it's time to spark up a partnership that's begun to feel stale. Here's how to deal with some common causes of marriage-bed burnout.

Have Realistic Expectation

We are bombarded everyday by sexy ads or steamy movie scenes of attractive men and women leaping into bed. But as Carole Lombard supposedly said about husband Clark Gable's prowess as a lover, "Gable's no Gable." In fact having a super love life most of the time is like climbing Mount Everest: possible but very difficult.

When reality fails to meet expectations and we blame ourselves or our partner, self-fulfilling prophecies abound. If a man believes his seven years of marriage mean he can't have sexually exciting times at home, that may happen. If a woman thinks that because her skin has wrinkled, she is no longer sexy, she won't become sexually aroused. Remember the three factors that determines a couple's chance of improving their love life: a positive attitude toward each other; not obsessing about a so-so love life; and some willingness to experiment and be flexible.

In their survey of 300 happily married spouses wed for 15 years or more, researchers Jeanette and Robert Lauer discovered that many people didn't make love as frequent as they'd prefer; but when man did, he called it "a beautiful act of giving and sharing, as deeply emotional as it is physical." The important thing is to stay active. he old adage, 'Use it or lose it' holds true," says noted sex researcher William Masters.

Listen to Your Body

We all know that men are suppose to lose virility when they're over 30 and that, in marriage, lovemaking is "supposed" to slow down after the first year or two. So shouldn't we just accept the status quo?

Loss of interest in sex over the years is usually psychological, not hormonal. For example, men in their 40's usually discover the focus of their sexual pleasure changing. In their teens and 20's, it was the orgasm. If they shift their focus to the total sensual experience --- including physical stimulation such as fondling, rubbing or kissing --- they can often be just as sexually active as in their younger years.

"A healthy man," says medical sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan, "is able to enjoy sexual intercourse throughout life. Freed of the inhibitions of his youth and the need for fast orgasmic release, the older man often enjoys more satisfying and imaginative love play." And a healthy woman ----- once she learned about her body and what her pleasure triggers are ----- is also more capable of enjoying lovemaking throughout her lifetime.

You can learn to accept physical change by concentrating on what you can give your partner instead of what you can't. Emphasize your sensory input. And don't be afraid to experiment. By expanding the ways the body can be "played," you can keep lovemaking fresh and active.

Break The Routine

Many people believe that once you've done the same thing hundreds of times with the same person, lovemaking can no longer be exciting because there's nothing new to expect. It's true that repeated sex over a period of years may make it harder to get quickly or simultaneously turned on. But your sexual switch does not need to be turned on instantaneously to get the electricity flowing.

After a young professional and his wife had been married three years, their daily love life fell off to once every couple of weeks. As the husband's work pressures became more pronounced and his wife struggled with the demands of a promotions, the intensity each of them put in their lovemaking seemed to be diverted into other aspects of their lives.

For many painful months they both grew increasingly anxious about what they felt was the end of their passion. Discussion seemed only to make matters worse. When she suggested they try sexual fantasies, he protested. But eventually, they helped each other stop feeling upset about having to work at lovemaking instead of waiting for desire to happen; they found that with a little effort and a handy bottle of massage oil, things rolled along nicely again.

Keep Battles Out of the Bedroom

Anger can be a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. Because of it, a spouse may withhold sex or even feel sexually repulsed.

Night after night in their bedroom, before dropping off to sleep, one man watched the eleven o'clock news, ignoring his wife as she nuzzled sexily against him. She tossed sleeplessly for another hour, thinking thoughts like: he doesn't love me and my marriage is a failure.

"What really gets me mad," the woman went on, "is that I've tried to talk to him, but nothing works. I finally blow up because it seems the only way I can get through him."

I explain to her that a few years ago it was considered good to express hostile feelings; that way, they wouldn't escalate out of control. However, recent psychological research reveals that the more heated people ventilate their rage, the more hostility they feel.

The appropriate way to vent your anger is to do what effective couples do. When they fight, they don't necessarily mince words. But instead of getting stuck in communication ruts ---- "You're shouting." "No, you are!" ----- they clearly define the issue and agree they both have a problem; they also stay focused on the topic of discussion and attempt to understand each other's position. They see conflicts as challenges that can provide something they both want, rather than battles where one wins and the other loses.

Acting on my advice, the woman told her husband, "I wish you weren't avoiding me sexually or avoiding any discussion of sex. I feel sad and frustrated. I wish we could work together to find a solution."

When I asked her what happened, she said, "The next morning he gave me the longest hug he has for a long time and told me that he loved me." Clearly, they were on the road back.

Make Time for Love

With sick kids, business trips and aerobics classes tugging at both spouses, lovemaking is often one of the first things to be sacrificed. Couples make dental appointments, but won't set aside time for intimacy.

Make it a priority to carve out private moments when you are physically and emotionally together. "If necessary, we postpone the laundry, cancel our tennis date or call in a baby-sitter," confided one of the busiest yet most loving couples I know. "A few years ago, when we just fell into bed exhausted each night, we were ready for the divorce courts. But we're fine now, even though the house isn't as orderly as it used to be!"

This couple taught their kids not to interrupt them when they were in the bedroom, and they even added a lock on their door for extra peace of mind. Yet non of this planning precluded spontaneous lovemaking: "We still manage to grab those moments when we can," they told me.

Your love life and other crucial life conditions may undergo change, but change doesn't equal crisis, unless you let it happen. So if you suffer from desire discrepancy, take heart. You're not alone. With a little good will and effort, the prospects of renewing the passion in your life are excellent.